In the car

I've been in the car since 3pm yesterday because all the pit stops along the way have made for a long trip. Last night we forgot to turn on the heater in our hotel room while snow was everywhere outside. To make matters worse my comforter smelled like a sweaty old bald man wiped his head on it! Blek! So I didn't sleep with that obviously. I basically went camping last night. Good thing we are almost there and a great bed in a warm house awaits me! The snow is piled so high!!!! It's incredible!!!!! I am very cold and my face blows up to twice it's size when it snows so the pics may be interesting. Happy Nebraska in the words of my three year old cousin!!! This is gonna be great!

*Rainy Christmas Eve Thoughts*

Right now I'm laying in my cozy bed looking out my enormous window into the rainy outdoors. It's so peaceful and sort of makes me want to stay here all day. I AM going to get up and go to the Christmas Eve service, though. Our big church has three services that are completely different, so my family is going to all three. Not really sure about that for me. I'm horrible at sitting down and paying attention for long amounts of time.

I am enjoying this break SO much!!!! I want it to go by super slow and never end! Physical Science is the looming cloud of doom in the near future, but I try to block that out of my mind as much as possible, haha. It's been nice seeing friends that I haven't seen in a long time and hearing the doorbell ring with fudge and other goodies on the other side. People are so nice!!!! I remember when we used to bake cookies and take them to friends and neighbors. Those were the good ole days! Christmas definitely comes with a lot of good memories for me. Everyone is just a little more jolly, and there are tons of festive stuff to do.

I really have nothing of importance to say, I am just biding away time until I leave for church at 2:50. I'm glad I have a church that is really enjoyable to go to. I also get a ton out of it as well, so it's fun and beneficial! I am so thankful!!!!

*That box lied to me!!!*

For a long time now I've been thinking about how I needed to get in a bit more shape by the time of the wedding. Well, the months have gone by and nothing but good intentions have remained. So I decided last night that I would start today once and for all.I woke up with a determination AND an uninvited friend. Mr. Munchies was plaguing me more than he has in a while. I just wanted to snack on something,ANYTHING, paper if it needed to happen. Maybe it was me realizing how much I wasn't going to eat that made me hungry. So I finally got the munchies calling so bad that I figured I would go get something small, and possibly healthy? I opened the pantry and everything looked like it was so good, but I saw a weight watchers sign and decided to pick up the box.

"One Point!" it shouted at me in a big happy number. Whatever one point means..one point is small, so I figured it was a good thing to choose. On the cover there was the most delicious looking chocolate cake with heavenly looking icing. "THIS WILL DO!" Yummy cake and only one point! This is ideal! So I joyfully opened the box only to hear myself scream out loud "AHHH!!!" This is NOT what was on the box!!!!! A black piece of something about the size of my thumb came out. This is NOT cake!!!! This is not okay!!! They lied to me! But I decided to eat it anyway....I got one bite in and had to throw that piece of cardboard cake away! No wonder people lose tons of weight on weight watchers!!! I've lost my appetite for the whole day! A weight watchers cake really does make me run from food. BLEK. There is a reason the phrase "fat and happy" was coined. Just sayin.

Cozy :)

I feel as cozy as a baby in a mothers womb because of this new heated mattress pad!!! I can't proclaim it enough!!!!!!!!! Put me in the fetal position on this heater and I'm happy as a clam! :)

Dark Ages No More!!!!

Until today I have been completely living in the dark ages. Sure, I have running water, a car, phone, and computer...but I was still sleeping in freezing cold sheets!!! There is no insulation on my dorm window and the heater is mediocre. My life as of late has been a frigid one, but that ended today!!!

I had no idea this even existed, but I bought a heated mattress pad today! It is the best thing since sliced bread!!! I do not have to suffer through the cold night any longer! I also purchased a space heater and am joyfully living in a cozy, warm room!!!!!

Thank you, Lord...I can't say it enough...for letting me be born in the new ages of technology and mattress heaters!!!!!!!!!!

"Stop Rejecting Rejection!"

I am up three hours before I need to do anything which means I'm taking time to look out my huge window and think. My brain first went through the subject of God wanting our hearts much more than our acts of good deeds. Yes, those are important, but what He's after first and foremost is our hearts. And then I began to bask in the joy that I can give my full heart to the Lord and He will always take care of it no matter what. When you give your heart to humans it's conditional whether we think so or not. But the Lord is teaching me that I can't hold my heart back from people forever out of fear. Why would I give someone who hurt me that much power? And why would i give up having the chance to raise children who hear the name of Jesus daily and never doubt they are loved? That is needed these days! Satan would love for me to live by my rejection. But I can't do that. But I also think guarding my heart is important. Giving it to Joe blow is not smart. Trust me.

But that's not the only rejection that's been on my mind. Mostly because of a phone conversation I had with a friend from my old college. We were talking and I said something about meeting his girlfriend if they are ever around and he said: "I don't think you'd get along. Nobody understands you, Abby. They think you are kinda odd, but i get ya!" My heart sank a million miles and I tried so hard to act like it didn't hurt. That familiar lonliness and rejection washed over me like a wave of freezing water. When I got off the phone I just sat there repeating those words in my head. "Nobody understands you...nobody understands you. You are odd to people." Granted these people who found me odd where people who were drunk all the time and had porn on their tvs half the time I walked by. Those people were the ones that would love to see me drop all my morals. As I thought about these things I felt a rush of the holy spirit and these words came into my head: "don't be surprised if the world hates you." And then it was like one massive lightbulb when off.

What if being rejected is not always a bad thing? What if being rejected shows signs that something is RIGHT with you? I mean..this is extreme, but if I hung out with hitler and he thought I was awesome, that would show a problem with me I think! If he thought I was weird and rejected me, wouldn't that be a good thing? If I could completely relate to the bin laden and we were buddies, would that be good? Or would it be better for him to look at me and tell me I'm odd? Would him saying something negative about me really make it true? Nope. It'd mean I'm odd to bin laden, and being odd to bin laden and hitler would show there was something right. I know those are extreme, but it's to make a point. Maybe people who find their joy in alcohol and have no concern for the Lord are not the best judgers of worth. The true judge of that is Jesus and He knows me more than I know myself, and loves me reguardless! Why would I spend my nights crying over the negative thoughts humans have about me, when I am already more than accepted and loved?

So me not being able to fit in with those people shouldn't have crushed me so bad. But when that's all that is around it FEELS like they are right. Luckily that isn't the case. Jesus was rejected much more than me and He is worth everything! Just because certain folks don't like me doesn't mean I am destined to be misunderstood forever. At this college I am definitely understood! And as they say...one man's trash is another man's treasure! :)

So..moral of this post...don't always reject rejection. Sometimes it can be a good thing. Find your confidence in the Lord and you will be able to see that!

*There Goes the Curtains!*

We just left my grandparents house from my dad's side who were an amazing host and hostess!! They were kind enough to give us their king size bed while they slept on an air mattress. Generosity like that is unheard of these days, but I'm not complaining because their bed was the most comfortable bed in the world! I need to get me a fluffy king bed soon for sure. My great grandparents on my mom's side were the first to own a king size bed in Arkansas. All the more reason to add one to my wish list! King beds are still too small to share in my book. I'm not a fan of sharing, because apparently I scream in my sleep, and the friends with me wake up worried. I don't like being woken up so I'd rather sleep alone.

So back to the amazing sleeping arrangements my grandparents gave me. They let me and Molly have thier entire nice room and bathroom to ourselves. Everything is decorated beautifully and put togethor to a tee. I shouldve thought twice before I started riding a pony stick around the room at high speed...but I didn't. There were two ponies in the hallway that were too appealing to resist. Molly was in the bathroom that was separated by glass doors and curtains. I thought it'd be funny to ride the pony over and stick it's head under the curtain and knock at Molly with it. I was right, it was hilarious. What wasn't hilarious was when I got comfortable and rode the pony stick in and out of the curtains and they came crashing down! One minute of pure bliss strait into panic! All I heard from Molly is a "You deserve that!!!" and I told her she better stay in and help me or her days as being my sister were over! We were laughing so it wasn't personal. Then we spent the next ten minutes laughing and trying to figure out how to put them back up when we heard "Get out here for the family picture!". But I was busy. Pictures would have to wait. Luckily I finally figured out that an important piece had flown under the dresser. I got it all fixed and was extemely relieved. That's the last time anyone gives up their room for me I'm sure! Haha

I just typed this in the car on my phone. That still boggles my mind!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!! :)

Blogging Application

I'm typing this from my new blog application on my iPhone! There is pretty much an ap for anything these days. I'm in the car driving through beautiful hills and enjoying this wonderful day! The weather is almost perfect!!! I've needed time to relax and not think about work at all. Sleeping and reading for a few days is exactly what I needed! Three more weeks of school then Christmas break....the end is near :)

*My Dream*

Today I have realized what my dream life would be. I can't believe that I hadn't thought of it before. Watching "Blindside" made me realize that I want to marry a man that owns 85 Taco Bells. I mean....can you imagine?! Free Taco Bell anytime you want!!!!! A home and means to bring in somebody off the street and give them the life they always dreamed of! Not to mention REALLY cute clothes! How NEAT would that be?!?!?! I would LOVE to bring a boy in off the streets and love him and give him all he needs to succeed. I would LOVE to change a life in such a meaningful way while being the owner of Taco Bell!!!! HOW AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's the most incredible thing I can think of. That is my new dream!!!!! So, if you see a single hottie who happens to own a few Taco Bells...you know where to find me. My cell phone will be on loud so I can hear ya calling!

That is all for tonight.

*Death and Dying Laughing!*

I totally forgot my password to this blog which means I haven't blogged enough lately!!! And it also shows that I am REALLY forgetful and should always have the same password. Anyway....as most of you know, our incredible granny died this week, and it's been such a great time of remembrance for us all. Each of us have such fond memories of her (and that's not just cause she died). Sometimes mean people become saints after they die, just because they died. At church we are asked how we want to be remembered when we die all the time, but what the preacher doesn't take into account is that EVERYONE looks good dead. That's just the truth. But she really was such a great woman!!! I am proud to come from such a strong foundation of Jesus-loving people!!! Not only that, she was a fun person to be around. I remember her taking me to the mall, and I would get so excited I could barely sleep the night before. I put some of the blame on her for my love for shopping. I think she would be okay with that. She and Paw had the first colored screen TV in Arkansas! They also had the first King size bed as well. Paw was the owner of a car dealership at the time. I think that is really neat! There were paper strips from times he was put in the paper in the memory books I was looking through. I come from a line of really successful people on both sides of my family. Even my great-great grandparents were super stylish and had incredible houses! I wish I could know their stories so bad!!! I wish I could wear those poofy dresses and make my hair into a cinnamon bun on top of my head like they did! So much about the past interests me. I wish I knew everyone's life story uncensored! I want to know so much about people, but most everyone is hush hush. I mean...we all pretend like we have these perfect lives, but there are definite skeletons in the closet that I want to hear!And also times when the Lord worked in lives that could be such an inspiration to people living now. I want to know things! I want to know stories!!! I'm sure Granny had times of deep sorrow and times of overwhelming joy. I bet she had many triumphs with the Lord's help. But what were they? All I know is that she was so much fun and gave the best hugs! I can still smell her and feel her soft skin. She looked great in her old age. I'm hoping that gets passed down to me!

Skipping to the dying laughing part of the title....My aunt flew in for the funeral and a group of the family went to the airport to pick her up. We made a scene (as usual) jumping up and down, clapping, taking pictures..you name it! We also had a very loud conversation about those new booty pops! It's like a bra for your booty and they are selling them in the airline shopping magazine! SO FUNNY!!! We were laughing till we cried. And while we were laughing about the booty pop there was this one bag that kept circling around the pick up about twenty times. We were waiting for her bag, and didn't even THINK to look at that lone bag. We thought it was the machine next to that one, and just kept waiting and waiting. The bag kept circling, but I didn't say a word. We googled the booty pop commercial on our iphones and watched it for kicks. It's got a booty then the screen has the word "POP!!!" and all the sudden it's huge! We made an even bigger scene when that happened until finally we realized that everyone else had left the building. Then my aunt said "OH! That's my bag!!!!" hahaha! Her bag had been there for a long time but we were too consumed in our airway shopping! Then we went a different way home so we could see one of Granny's old houses. We stopped in front of it, and everyone got all emotional, and then my aunt said: "Let's go in!!!" And Nana quickly locked the door so we wouldn't be able to get out! Apparently it's not polite to barge in on private homes, even after a death. I'm sure they would have let us in. Surely. But Nana has better judgment, and it was probably best to just drive on. This part made us laugh even harder! We were laughing from the very moment the family arrived! Then we all felt bad for laughing on such a grim occasion, but we thought Granny wouldn't have it any other way. If she were here, she'd be laughing along with us. She was a loud woman like the rest of us, and is probably proud that we let the legacy live on!!! If we didn't laugh in the face of adversity, then we wouldn't be the family I know and love. If we didn't scream and make a scene...then it wouldn't be right. And I am proud to say that we trust the Lord Jesus enough to laugh even when we are down!

*The Most Horrific Story Ever!!!*

I haven't blogged lately, because I have been writing on paper more and I don't have enough time for both. I end up writing about four pages a night, and that can be time consuming. It's my favorite part of the day, though. Any kind of sad feelings about not having anyone to spill my guts to goes away when I get my pen out.I might switch off every once in a while,because a few people have reported that they miss my blogging. I can't say I understand why, but if someone thinks that my life is worth reading..then read on!!! haha

I am in agony to report that I have the most horrific story ever to write about today. I went back and forth on whether I was going to write about it or not, but then against my better judgment, here I am typing! I wanted to pretend that it never happened. Maybe if I never told anyone or talked about it, it would just be a figment of my imagination. But the sad truth is that it did, and I think you will be happy that I shared. Maybe I can get some new friends from sympathy points. We'll see.

Let me start by telling you about this nine dollar burger that I ate at the Hogs game on Saturday. It was weird and greyish, and the burger was twice the size of the bun. And I really don't think it was only beef...I thought I saw a little cat meat mixed in there. But going against my better judgment, (yet again), I bought it anyway. It tasted a little funny, but I tried to think nothing of it. But the repercussion of my actions came without delay. I started to get sick not ten minutes after I ate it. The entire ride home was one big mess of nausea and trying to survive. When I got home it only got worse. To get some laughs out of my bad situation, I grabbed my phone to quickly text one of my friends about what was happenin! But unfortunately what I didn't realize at the time was that I accidentally pressed my EX BOYFRIENDS name and he became the receiver of what I was about to say. Sadly..VERY SADLY..I was too sick and typing too fast to even realize it. I can't remember it word for word, (since I deleted it immediately to try to make it go away), but this is basically what the text message said:

"That low grade burger from lunch is back with a vengence! I'm gonna need that extra toilet seatbelt tonight!!!!!!!!!"

I can't even tell you how bad I felt!!! On top of being MAJORLY ill, my blood was starting to run cold along with it! I tried so hard not to cry! "THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!!!!!!!!" I screamed to the thin air in my room. I was utterly rejected by someone and here I am, seven months later, giving them a text about my miserable digestive life. Luckily, he was really nice about it, and it softened my heart towards him. Maybe this was God's way of bringing about a heart change in me? It does say that if you have animosity towards someone, you are not in the love of Christ. Possibly the Lord is finding ways for me to live even closer to Him. That's nice! It's kind of a positive way to look at it, right? God works everything together for our good...even text messages gone REAL bad. I still have a knot in my stomach thinking about it. But, that's so my life, so I better get used to it!

That wasn't the first time a text message has gotten me into troubles, but that will have to wait for later. A secret writing project is taking up a lot of my time right now, and I also need to go to bed so I can drive back in the morning. NIGHT!

*Life is Precious*

I wake up every morning and never have the idea that something is going to go really wrong. But the reality of the situation is, this world is broken, and each day brings possibilities of tragedy into our lives. Luckily the tragedy I speak of today is not monumental, but it was bad enough to make me think.

I was about to go to an educational meeting when my phone rang and it was Kate panicking on the other side. It's hard to put into words what my body did at that point, but it felt like my heart sank to the ground. My heart started pounding and everything went a little blurry. I tried not to freak out, but the panic in her voice made me start to panic as well. She said that she'd been in a bad car accident and she needed me to come get her. Of course I told my group that I had to go and I ran as fast as I could to my car, with so many emotions running through my head. I didn't know at this point what exactly had happened. All I knew was that she'd been in a wreck and she was really shaken up. I knew the general area of where her car was, so I went to look for it as quickly as I could. Searching everywhere to see if I could find her was a horrible feeling. I didn't know what to expect, and my mind raced to so many places. My hands were shaking on the wheel, and I tried to compose myself to be the stronger person. I finally saw a bunch of police cars, and kate's poor totaled car. I pulled up and literally ran up to her. We hugged so tight, and I was glad to see she was okay. The airbags burnt her arm, but other than that she was okay. It was seriously a miracle! Her car had filled up with smoke, and it was smooshed completely. As we were hugging cars would drive by and pieces of her car would hit me in the leg.That is not something that we both planned on this morning, but either way, it did.

I know we all have to learn this lesson over and over again, but life really is precious. We can be here one second, and gone the next. Nobody wakes up and thinks "I'm gonna die a horrific death today!" No! Most of the people are ones who didn't see it coming. We need to be extremely careful on the road! We are NOT invincible!!! I am so thankful to the Lord for sparing her life, and helping everyone to be okay. But I know that if He didn't,He would have a plan. We need to trust God even when horrible things happen. There are opportunities in every loss, and in every heartache. God has great things in store, even through the bad. We need to look for the opportunities we will get through this situation. Bad things happen, but they can have more than negative outcomes. God can do wonderful things through trauma in our life. And it makes me wonder to myself if I could trust Him if something REALLY bad did happened. I hope that I get to a place in my walk with the Lord that I could. God is GOOD.And He is good whether He would of allowed Kate this blessing of being okay, or if He would allowed it to end much worse. And it might sound crazy to say that, but He is completely good. He is up for our good no matter what!!! I am VERY VERY VERY thankful that nothing truly horrible happened today. He has taught me lessons through this heartache already. See? Good is already coming from it.

*Where's my car?!*

It would be a lie if I told you that I don't lose my car on a regular basis. Usually I have to circle the parking lot at least once to find it, but today the circling was not doing the trick..... MY. CAR. WAS. GONE. Let me start from the beginning....

My alarm went off at 6:25 am this morning which was the first mistake of the day. Start mistakes that early, and you got yourself a problem.The night before was filled with movies and happiness so I decided to save my homework for the morning. In my defense, my homework ends up being best if I do it in the morning. If I do it at night, I've already spent all my energy in class and have nothing left to give. The morning causes me to start my homework clean and fresh on a hopeful step to the future. But I need to remember to push through on Thursday nights, because getting up THAT early on Friday is not worth it at all.Friday's are my earliest days to wake up, because I have a first grade class to teach at 8am.

When I woke up I was absolutely shocked at how dark it was outside. I kept opening my curtain and closing it and opening and closing it to see if I was imagining things. Not only was it dark, but the rain was pouring down in massive sheets. Getting up was not looking good for me, but I did anyway, as any studious and responsible girl should. I had to copy some pages so I scheduled some time to go to the computer lab before I drove to the school. After about an hour of homework I was getting a little close on time, so I decided I should leave early to make sure I got all the copies done. I put on my nice clothes and shoes and headed out the door into the monsoon. I finally made it to the back forty where I usually park my car and although my feet were freezing, I was still hopeful for the day. That is until the usual circling to look for my car turned into a twenty minute panic fest. Safety had their eye on me as was running around in the rain/making laps around the lot! I went through every single line in the pouring rain/pitch dark weather and my soul felt as soaked as my clothes. I was freezing and there were puddles in my nice shoes. I had to be at the school in twenty minutes, so I questioned what to do. Should I call somebody for a ride? No, I need to get the copies!!!! But what if I don't make it on time?!?! And then it hit me...I had parked over in the OTHER parking lot. Are you kidding me?!?! I had been panicking in the back forty for twenty minutes, when my car was safely in the front parking lot. I rushed to the car through the floods and finally made it to the copier that was conveniently out of paper. But I monitored and adjusted to make it work. Who needs copies anyway? Not me! Plus I was too freezing to care about anything else but finding a dry, warm area. And at least I had found my lost car....

I need to have a parking space with my name on it so tragedies like this don't happen every Friday. How am I supposed to find my car if I re-park it ten times a day in different places?!?! Seriously?!

10/28 of Jesus Calling

"Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young (Devotional for 10/28/)

Do not expect to be treated fairly in this life. People will say and do hurtful things to you, things that you don't deserve. When someone mistreats you, try to view it as an opportunity to grow in grace. See how quickly you can forgive the one who has wounded you. Don't be concerned about setting the record straight. Instead of obsessing about other people's opinions of you, keep your focus on Me. Ultimately, it is MY view of you that counts.

As you concentrate on relating to Me, remember that I have clothes you in My righteousness and holiness. I see you attired in these radiant garments, which I bought for you with my blood. This also is not fair; it is a pure gift. When others treat you unfairly, remember that My ways with you are much better than fair. My ways are Love and Peace, which I have poured out into your heart by My Spirit.

*Bask in these moments*

I am looking out a huge window at the perfectly blue sky and the red, orange, and brown leaves all over the trees. It is absolutely GORGEOUS!!! The sun is shining so bright, and my spirits seem to be follow. I am SO thankful for this time of year! Not only is the weather INCREDIBLE, but there are three Holidays are soon to follow! Halloween, Thanksgiving, AND Christmas!!!! Pumpkin painting and carving is on everyone's to do list, and Starbucks is FINALLY selling the Harvest Spice latte yet again!!!!! I am SO happy right now. I want to go jump around outside to music in a Halloween costume! I want to run through corn mazes and eat halloween candy until I'm sick. I want to be outside!!!! I am not an outdoorsy person, but this time of year is loaded with possibilities and the weather is calling my name! It's a little glimpse of Heaven in my life. Each year I can be reminded of God's faithfulness, because the winter does come,but HE is faithful to bring spring, summer, and fall back again!!!!! Every season has it's wonders, but I particularly like Autumn!!!! It's gorgeous...and it brings me new hope! Hope that one day the leaves in my life will change and fall off, and something new will grow. Thankfulness at the leaves that are in my life, because they are there for a reason. Thankfulness that I am exactly where God wants me to be, and those leaves won't fall until it's time. Sometimes our leaves are here for a reason, but eventually they need to change for new things in our hearts and lives to grow. There are many phases in our life, and the purposes will not fully be known until this side of Heaven. Yes, the leaves speak to me. I bet I would laugh at anyone else who was writing so seriously about leaves. Wow.

I hope that the Fall makes you guys as happy as it does me :) Let's bask in these moments of bliss, because life is hard, and the going gets tough...but the Lord brings about wonderful things to make the journey worth while.

Sometimes I don't understand everything that happens in my life. But you know what? That's just fine with me, because the maker of the universe has my life in His hands. And one day everything is going to make perfect sense. One day every knee will bow and everything will be just as it should be. I can't wait for my happily ever after in eternity!!! Today I felt the Lord so close and it reminds me how lucky I am to be His. I was having a moment where I was questioning myself, and I was like: " Jesus! sometimes I feel like such a broken human that I'm not sure i have much to offer. I want to do what you want, but what do I even have?" and He gave me a great answer that I wrote in my journal for future reference, He said " I have gifted you beyond what you realize." I know it sounds crazy to some, but I really do hear Him. Not everyday, but there are definite times when I hear Him speak. Only when I completely humble myself and know my only strength is in Him. How neat that the Lord says He has gifted me. I wonder what those gifts are. It was definitely what I needed to hear. He has given me what I need to follow His will. He is so good to me. I don't deserve all this love! I just typed this whole blog from my phone. Technology is amazing!!!!! Bye for now!

iPhone baby!

I am very excited to report that I am typing this from my iPhone!!!!!!!!! I am so happy! I adore this phone!!! It's like a best friend I've always wanted!!!!!

"Give It All Away" By Aaron Shust

(This song describes exactly what I want to say to the Lord inside. I love when songs just speak for me!!!)

Search my heart, search my mind, search my soul
Make me clean, make me new, make me whole

All of my plans, all of my dreams, I lay them down before Your feet
All of my time, all that was mine, I now submit to Your design
'Cause You are the one who can make my life complete
You are the one who can give light to my feet
You are the one and only one who dared to give it all away for me

You are my strength, You are my God, you are my King
You make me laugh, You make me dance, You make me sing

Everything inside, everything outside, I give it all away
You never change, but You rearrange my heart more everyday

*Twin Fun and Memories*

I went to FSM where none of the kids know about me and 15 of them thought I was Molly! I had a tally going on as an experiment per say. I was at Party City today getting my Halloween costume and a girl came up to me saying "MOLLY!!!!" and I said "Oh, sorry! I'm Abby..her twin!" Then at church later the SAME girl came up to me and said "Molly! I met your twin Abby at Party City today!!!!" HAHAHA!!!! FUNNY TIMES!!!! We don't look that much alike, unless you have no idea we have a twin. It was a really great time. I loved it. 15..that's a good number.

Being at FSM made me go down memory lane without even trying! I remembered what it felt like to be 14 years old and coming to church after two hours of trying to make myself look good. I didn't really know how to put on make-up that well, but I sure gave my best shot! All I cared about then was my boyfriend at the time...and for the next four years for that matter. I was distracted, because I looked around and saw countless girls making the same mistake I did. Holding hands during the prayer..whispering and laughing during the talk.Haven't they heard the Taylor Swift song "Fifteen"?! In my defense, that wasn't written yet! haha! We have no idea who we are at 15....and whoever we like feels like the one we are going to marry. But usually we don't have great judgement at all. Judgement on the character of boys I mean. I definitely had no judgment skills, and apparently I still don't, hence why the single life is for me. I wanted to just scream at those girls "RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!" but of course that would have been inapropriate. I just wanted this night to last forever, and time not to move so their precious hearts could be protected. I remember the days before I got my heart shattered into pieces. When you are 18 years old and your first love is stripped from you it FEELS like your life is ending. It FEELS like the tears will never stop. Luckily, it only FEELS that way, and it isn't a reality. Life goes on. Our teenage hormones and emotions calm down after a while. But I still don't want any one of those darling girls to have to feel like I did. That one took three years to get over, and I thought I was home free, but more heartbreak was to come. Maybe in this fallen world we are never truly home free. Maybe home free is on the other side of eternity. Sometimes we need to go through heartbreak for our greater good. The worst heartbreak I have ever known was definitely from that four year relationship in highschool. But I am better for it. I can relate to girls who are in that same mindset. Nobody could of talked me out of my decisions.I was such a fool. I was 14,15,16, and 17 years old thinking I had life figured out. Remembering back reminded me how far I've come....

It always seems like there's so much further to go, but I can rest in the fact that I have come so far. And the Lord has brought me through SO much!!!! I truly believe that there is nothing I can't do with Him. He has carried me and saved me from myself countless times. I pray that He will always save me from myself. That is the main thing we all need to be saved from. Like I always say..NEVER...NEVER...EVER follow your heart!!! You are BROKEN!!!!! Your heart is BROKEN!!!!! The natural thing for it to do is lead you the wrong way!!! So let the spirit lead! I wish I would have let the spirit lead back then! But I can't change anything from my past. What I CAN change is my now....and I am going to take advantage of that. :)

HAPPY FALL BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO happy being home!!!! I had the BEST day!

*Winning Isn't Everything*

Tonight CM won Tiger Tunes!!!!! So much good has come out of the past month working with all these people. We had devotionals every time, and made friendships that mean so much. Winning was not even in our vocabulary, so it was such a shock when we starting getting awards. We were all there to have a good time, and not worried about winning. I think we might have talked about winning one time in the whole month. That was the last thing on our minds...everything we were doing at practice made tunes worth it reguardless of the outcome. We had a BLAST!!!!!!!!! We worked so hard, and the feeling of team spirit was so intense.Everything was leading up to this one moment...the moment when Tiger Tunes is officially over and the winner is announced...I was surprised the first couple of nights when we got so many awards, so I started to wonder what it would be like if we won. But when we were finally announced the winner,it felt nothing like I thought it would. Anti climactic, really.

People try so hard, and give up so much time and effort to win Tiger Tunes. Some people may get sad if they don't place where they thought they would, and then there are people like me that can't believe they placed at all! Let alone first! WOW!!! I have yet to see the show, considering I'm in it. And I'm towards the front a lot, so I really have no idea what it looks like at all. I'll be happy to watch it online at some point! See what this winning team was all about. Yesterday was a lot more exciting than today, I'm not sure why. I think it's because today the winner was announced and then it was like...now what? I mean...I guess I don't see or understand why people strive so hard to win, when winning doesn't feel that different than losing! And then when you win..okay...life goes on and people forget.

I have been on teams that win, and teams that lose, and something that always amazes me is that I never feel any different either way! If I win, I may have that excited feeling for five seconds, but then I go back to normal. If I lose, I don't even get that upset, and then go on with life. It really doesn't matter to me. Why do people in general beat their brains out to win? I mean even in sports..in anything, really! What's the big deal, anyway?! I seriously have NO CLUE!!! YES..it's SO great and all..but winning should NOT be everything!!!! Winning will not make you feel any more fulfilled than you did before you won. You may spend your whole life working up to something that doesn't really matter. It makes me want to focus on setting my goals in life to things that matter, and not just winning. CM worked towards both, and I like that. We worked on growing spiritually before each practice, and also relationships with others was top priority as well. Not only were we working for Tiger Tunes, but we were also working on our hearts!!!!

All the hard work was completely worth it! And I'd do it all over again even if we were in last place every night. Because it's not about winning! It's about the memories and the team spirit that come with being a part of Tiger Tunes! And if you HAPPEN to come in first place, and win every award..so be it!!!! Just make sure that winning is not the only reason for doing something. Because you feel the same either way. Trust me on this one. When you lose, you may dream of what winning feels like, but it's really not that life altering. Winning will never fulfill anything!!!! Only Jesus can! :)

Question of the night:Now that I have my life back, and tiger tunes isn't taking all my time....what do I do now? haha

*TIGER TUNES!*

Tiger Tunes is finally here, and excitement is in the air! Opening night was so much fun, and I feel like everyone who came had a great time. I can finally enjoy it, because it's the weekend, and my Spanish test is over with!

Over the past few days I've realized that I have some hardcore stage fright. Before I go on my heart is about to come out of my chest it's beating so fast. I don't want to have practiced so many times, just to mess up for the real thing! My hair has tons of product it in, and it's kind of freaking out on me, haha. But dying my hair white and blue and teasing it up into a hot mess has been WAY worth it. I could write an entire blog on what it takes to get that stuff out!!!! I ask for prayers every night for the shower it takes to make the old lady go away, and bring the real Abby back out!

I don't have much to write, because I have been writing a ton of stuff on actual paper lately. It's easier than starting up a computer and writing on a blog. Plus, I can write secrets on paper that I can't write on here, because this is public and all. I love getting insight into peoples heads, so I try to be pretty transparent in my writing. I think that kind of writing is the type that people can relate to. I make myself vulnerable, so that somebody who might need to can relate. Some people might understand what I mean by that, and some might not. My favorite writers hold nothing back. And for the most part, I am an open book to the world. But there's also parts of my head that should not be written for the public. Sad for my one or two readers that are missing out on some stories. Maybe I'll transfer the good ones over at some point. Some really good ones I can't write right now, because it might cause drama. But in a few years I will, because it's too funny to pass up.

Lately I haven't had time for leisure, but when tunes is over on Sunday, I will be a free woman!!!! Free to have a life again! I might even sing "Free Bird" at the top of my lungs Saturday night! Who knows?! I just hope I don't become anti-social, because tunes forced me to to be social everyday. But now that the weather is getting cold, my room is looking better and better. I'm going to nap. Good-bye for now!

P.S. Harvest Lattes are finally being sold in Starbucks again...it's about time!!!!!!!!!!

*PAPER DELETED!*

I have been writing a paper since 9pm, and my Microsoft Word doesn't work, so I had to write it in an email. I finally finished, and breathed a big sigh of relief when I pressed the send button and the mailbox said "TOO FULL!". WHAT?! Too full?! I deleted emails all day!!! It ended up not sending, and deleting the WHOLE paper!!!!!!!! All of my work is gone. All of it. Good-bye, paper! I will have to wake up at 6am to write you again. :( There is no evidence that a paper was ever written. Gone. So very gone.That is not a very fun thing to happen right now. But my night has been very good, so I'm not going to let this minor set back ruin it.

But I do just wanna scream bloody murder for about five minutes.

This is quite the frustrating situation.

Why didn't I just watch "House" like I had planned? Homework and papers have it out for me. They hate me. They can smell my fear, just like a horse or dog. Horses and dogs hate me, too. They want to eat me for dinner.

*Snuggie Love!*

When I put on my snuggie, everything seems right in the world. I feel like my snug is a little glimpse of heaven on earth. The Lord put that incredible idea into the head of the snuggie maker, and it might as well have been just for me. Snuggies are a joke to most people, and that is very offensive. Not only do they warm my heart and self, but they bring joy and happiness to every moment in my life that is spent in it. That is nothing to joke about if you ask me. You can even ask my roommates...when I am in my snuggie, I have a big smile on my face. I snuggle up with it and make weird joyous noises! Doesn't matter what the noise is, as long as it gets the point across that I am in bliss.

I spend a ton of time in my pink snuggie lately, but tonight I had it on while watching "House" and eating brownie mix pudding. Yes, please. Life is good. I have been happy for the past couple of days, and I love it! I should probably be stressing over some school work, but I am just basking in the fact that I'm not stressing. Ever since I bought my snuggie I have been pretty low key and peaceful. That is very rare for me. I'm usually worked up and panicked about something or other. My teacher even said the other day "Abby, you are a panicker!", haha. True. Very true. But not in my snuggsie! It's my escape. My escape to a land of cozy bliss!!!! Thank you, makers of SNUGGIE!!!! You are the best!!!!!

Who needs a boyfriend when you got a snuggie by your side?! Thank you, snug baby! You are my new best friend! And just a little comment for any one of the desperate people I have talked to lately who say "I can't stand being single!!!WAH!!!" WELL..LIGHTEN UP..AND BUY YOURSELF A SNUGGIE ALREADY!!!!!

*Hello boys and girl!*

Last night I was driving back with some friends from the OBU game, and in front of us was a truck full of students. We were all excited and hyper from winning the game, so my friend stuck her head out the window and started screaming to them. I decided to join in on the fun by rolling down my window and yelling..."HELLO BOYS AND GIRL!" Then to my horror my friend in the back said : "Abby! Those are all boys!!!!". NO way. NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! Social flop right there. I started to make amends by saying "I MEAN, HI BOYS!!!!" and Rachel was like "Oh no!!! Correcting yourself just makes it worse!" So I tried to hide, but realized there was nowhere to run. We were stuck in traffic with the boys right in front of us, so I did what anyone would do, and pulled down my mirror over my face. I am seriously sorry for the gender mix up. I mean...it was dark outside, and if you are a boy with long hair you should realize there might be some confusion. Even with that said, I feel awful. Oh well. What do ya do.

I don't have anymore time to blog tonight, because I have SO much to do! I have work piled up to my forehead, which is why I'm going to sleep. Too much work overwhelms me. It messes with my sanity. What's a few more hours of hw verses sanity? Goodnight. :)

*EVERYONE LIVES!* (Bridesmaid dress update)

Some of you may remember that fateful day in August when I went to David's to try on my maid of honor dress. Not only did they not have my size, but the other bridesmaid dress I had ordered for another wedding made me feel like a monster!!!!!! I can't go into details again, because that day is too much for me. BUT I do have an update on the situation. I had to order my other dress cold turkey, because my size was unavailable....I can't think of a scarier dress situation! I am going to be on stage in front of TONS of people..and if the dress doesn't fit, talk about terrible. I'll have another great blog to write, but usually great blogs come from horrible days I'd like to avoid.

Today my mom told me she had picked up my cold turkey maid of honor dress and put it in my closet. I ran to my room and was bombarded with bridesmaids dresses, because that's what seems to fill it these days. I grabbed the one for Molly's wedding, and Molly asked what I was doing. Unzipping it and closing the door to her room I yelled :"Trying on your bridesmaid dress, and if it doesn't fit, somebodies gonna die!!!!". (I hear her laughing and telling her fiance that, but I was definitely not laughing.)Then one minute later I got to exclaim the wonderful news to her...I opened the door and happily declared "GREAT! Everybody lives!". The dress fits perfectly!!!! I actually feel quite pretty in it! What a miracle!!! I guess that's the good that comes from having the bride that picks out your dress be your twin. She knows what suits me best! GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!! I am happy :) What a wonderful update! I am going to feel beautiful as well!!!! I don't have to feel like the hobbit maid of honor!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the dress that used to make me feel like a monster, looks so much better now!!!!! I'm having a great try-on day!!!!!

*Why do I always have a stalker?*

For some reason, every year since I have started college I have had some type of stalker. An extremely bad thing happened concerning the first one freshman year, so I have tried hard to avoid such invasions ,of well...my life. The first stalker is unmentionable, because what ended up happening to him is quite the party ruiner. It's like noone can even laugh anymore, because the story is so bad. I hate telling stories like that. Especially on my blog. I do not like to be the party stopper. But before the bad thing happeend...there was some times where he definitely POPPED out of the bushes when I didn't answer my phone and would say: "Why didn't you answer?! I SAW THAT!" and after every class he would be waiting....he called me everyday about ten times. I never called him back. It was the freakiest of them all...so I will save that story for anyone who asks...but be prepared to be speechless afterwards! It's possible this post might be a party stopper, even if I don't want it to be. I just need to vent.

So I had that first stalker, then my second stalker had known me two whole weeks before tearfully telling me he's been in love with me since the first time he saw me. Now, I am not a person that thinks men are after me. I do not feel like I have a higher self esteem than normal...these are the stalker types. Aka the ones that are never talked to, but friendly me comes along and they think their bride has come! I hate letting people down, especially when they seem a little...whats the word? Psycho. Yes, that is the word that fits the profile. You can imagine my shock when this boy starts crying...TEARS..many tears...when professing his love. "Since the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew...you were the one for me." *insert sob fest* What do you say to that?!?!? Especially when you are wondering how he got in your room in the first place. Do locks mean nothing these days?! I remember grabbing a pillow to put in front of me to make sure a hug was impossible. I tried to blow my nose so a few boogers could string along my face. Didn't work. "Oh..uh..how nice...um...thanks???? Have you seen so and so down the hall? They are looking quite marriagable today!!! Me? I'm horrid! HORRID I TELL YOU!!!" Yes, I do throw other people under the bus when under pressure. It's one of my weaknesses you could say.

The next one was named jambo jangles...I kid you not. I was at Dixie Cafe at the end of my second year at Tech, and he was my waiter. He kept looking at me, so my friend decided to give him my number without my consent. Next thing I know my phone is blowing up every hour on the hour with things like: "I have been waiting to find you....we are going to move to Europe together!" and "I just know we are going to spend forever. Your hair is so soft. I want to touch it."and "I know you need saving." YA...CRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPY!!!! Did I mention I NEVER replied to ANY of his messages?!?! You can't make this stuff up!!! I wish I was!!!!!!!! And when I let him know that I was DEFINITELY not his damsel in distress waiting to be saved...he went NUTS!!! Anger like I've never seen in my life. Did I mention he was THIRTY and I was NINETEEN?! I blocked him hardcore, and ran like the dickens. NOT OKAY! Excuse me, Dixie Cafe...I'm gonna need a complaint card. Your waiter tried to move me to europe. That's a problem-O. And thinking about all this again is making me scaredeo!

I have a few other stalker stories, but I am supposed to be going to bed, and they aren't quite as bad. Kind of like the ones that are not exactly psycho, but maybe a little bit socially challenged. Those guys are just precious, and mean no harm. I would never give those stories away. But the first one would BLOW YOUR MIND!!! Hence, why I have issues when another strange man thinks I'm his wife. The newest one came to me just recently. It's because he knew my stalker of the year hasn't come, and he needed to fill that spot. I was hoping those days were over. But the life of a friendly girl is never far from creepahs. I was walking back from Tiger Tunes the other night, and I met three boys walking near my dorm. I dropped something, and they helped me pick it up, so naturally, I was friendly. Well, they ended up walking me back to my dorm, and using my phone to get my number to theirs. I thought letting someone see my phone was no big. Well....apparently it was a big. Because from then on I kept getting text messages from this strange number like every 15 minutes. I wish I was kidding. They came ALL the time. Things like : "You are such a beautiful girl, let me come see you again" and "Can you please give me the honor of your presence. I need to be with you. Let's walk."...Uh, first of all...NO...second of all HECK NO!!!!! Then when I don't answer I get things like: "What?! What's wrong! Why aren't you answering?!?! I can't lose you!!! What did I do?!?!" You can't lose me? Pal, you never had me to begin with. And take off that scary trenchcoat. Yes, he was wearing a trenchcoat. BUT I did ask to see his ID so I would know who it was if something bad happened. I definitely didn't add him on fb....blocked, blocked, and BLOCKED!!! All my stalkers are blocked, hence why I am talking freely about it on my blog. They know nothing of it. I don't think they are horrible, horrible men. Just a little....off, maybe?IDK. But what I DO know is that no girl likes to be suffocated by some random guy. If she likes the guy...then suffocate away. But if she doesn't, and you are wearing a scary trenchcoat...try to calm it down.

*Sick Day*

Today was my first sick day of this year, and it came at a really bad time. I have so much on my agenda lately, so I was really panicked about having to stay in. But it ended up being a wonderful day to slow down, and think about things that really matter. I hate that life gets busy, and my thought life turns to the here and now. How I'm going to get this done, who I want to talk to today, what I need to do. It's all such a whirlwind of thoughts, and when I'm forced to take it easy, I am reminded of what really matters. Nothing that I am concerned about right now is really going to matter in the end. The only thing that is going to matter is what I am doing for eternity. And I feel like I am going to do a lot for eternity in my classroom, which does make school important, but it's not everything. It should not take up all my thought life, leaving little for the Lord. I would rather not get all my reading done, and spend time with the Lord, than beat my brains out to get everything done just so. I believe I need to work at school with all my heart, but it does not come first. I think I needed a day to remind me of that. I needed a day to refocus. Maybe my sickness was divine intervention. :)

My status on facebook right now is that verse in Psalms about not being impatient for the Lord to act. I really needed to hear that today. I feel like I have been waiting for the Lord to do something big in my life, and I expect it to happen in my time frame. He has blessed me so much this year, and I am so thankful for that. But sometimes I feel like He has something even bigger in store. Like this is not all there is for me. Maybe that feeling has to do with knowing I was made to be with the Lord, and I'm stuck in this fallen world. Maybe I will always feel this ache until the day I die. Or maaaaybe....there's something bigger on this earth as well. I have no idea. But I do know that it kind of hurts, and I don't like it. This longing that goes so deep inside of me. It's a lonely longing...wishing that the Lord was touchable. Sometimes wishing I had a husband and kids to call my own. It's weird to think that the people who are going to mean the most to me, I haven't even met yet. But deep down inside I know that they will not fulfill me. No matter how wonderful he is, or how precious my babies are...they will never take my inner longings away. So what I think might be a longing for a husband, is probably a longing to be with the Lord. I'm an alien in this world. My real home is in Heaven. If this longing isn't fulfilled here on earth, it will happen in eternity. I am promised that. And that is a good thing to know.

*Um, that's MY desk*

When I woke up early on this rainy Wednesday, I had no idea what complications were in store. I am getting pretty sick, and that is not the best way to start off in the first place. I didn't get enough sleep, so I am losing and forgetting everything! I lost my wallet, and had to go on a wild goose chase to find it. Luckily, someone picked it up and emailed me, because I put my distress call in the classifieds on the school network. Thank you, Classifieds. But the real complication happened when I walked into my Spanish class and a girl was sitting in my desk. Let me give you the background of my desk life. When I choose a desk at the beginning of the semester it becomes my safety zone. I do much better in the classes that I sit in the front right. I have no idea why, but a GPA doesn't lie! This lucky side of the classroom is what has finally worked out for me. And I have no intention of changing it around. I am not a fan of change, and I am extremely weird when it comes to my desk. Yes, I admit it can come off as a little nuts, but I don't really care. I need my desk. That is MY desk. This is my grade and sanity we are talking about. I NEED my desk. It is my home away from home! It's the only thing that stays the same in this swiftly changing world of mine! You can take away my house, my clothes, my car, my life...but you BETTER NOT take away my desk!!!!!!!!!

With that said....I walked into my Spanish class and was shocked and horrified to see a girl sitting in MY desk. There was no mistaking how I felt, because my eyes were as wide as baseballs. Something about the chairs had changed, and she normally sits beside me, but now she was in my desk. I prayed last night that the Lord would help me to love people, and not be rude, so I decided to take the desk on the other side of her. It was a stretch, but at least it was on my side of the classroom and in the front, right? "Uh, I'm saving this seat for my friend...just so you know" she said to me. By the way...this "friend" of hers was not even there yet! My eyes grew wide again, and my mind swirled as I noticed the only other desks were on the left side of the classroom. Because of my sinful nature, the prayers of the night before were quickly forgotten in the madness. (Not to mention it's rude to save a seat) "Um, that's MY desk you're sitting in over there. You usually are in THIS desk." I tried to say as calm as I could pointing out her desk. "Ya, well, I'm sitting here now. It's just a desk."...JUST A DESK?!?!?! JUST A DESK?!?!?!?! NO. NO NO NO NO! You did NOT just say that about my desk! I forced myself to calm down, and tried to do the sane thing and find a spot on the left side of the classroom. I walked over like a good little girl, then sat down, got my books out, and met the people around me. But my world was falling apart. I longingly looked at my desk where this girl (who had quite the nerve) now sat. Not to mention Hannah and Justin, my Spanish friends, were over on the right side by my lovely desk. That was not okay. Nothing was okay about this whole situation.

I had to do something. I could not sit there and let this injustice happen for 50 mins of my life! I walked strait up to the teacher and said "Excuse me, but what exactly is going on with the desk situation? I think there is a problem. You see, I usually sit there. But we are missing a desk." "Oh, hmm, I have no idea what's happened to the desk. You can sit at THAT one, though" He pointed to a ghetto desk that probably couldn't even fit a book on it. I went and tried to sit there while I desperately looked at Justin. I was SO close to the white board! I could probably lick the board if I wanted to. Is the world against me?! Is someone trying to make me fail?! That desk should not even be considered a desk. It would work much better as a piece of firewood, or a passenger on a trash truck. Luckily, Justin offered to switch spots with me. Which was REALLY sweet considering he is 6'3 and 250 lbs. The desk he was switching to was very small, and he was quite the comical relief to look at. He moved the desk he was giving me up so it was in the position where MY desk normally is. This made the girl who had taken MY desk stuck in the middle ile. She now had a line all her own, and we were all squooshed together. We were literally sharing that part of the classroom. It was a fight over the desk, and I had won. She looked at me with this disgusted face "You know, I don't even care what side of the room I sit on! I am able to move around!" And all I could think was "THEN WHY DON'T YOU MOVE!!!!" I just looked at her and said "I'm crazy. Get used to it. I'm not going to fail, because you decide to take my desk. And you better get up pretty early in the morning to beat me to it next class." I said in a joking manner, so it was not as rude as I felt. After that, I looked back at Hannah who was laughing and said "I am so glad you are in this class, otherwise it would be really boring!" I saw the teacher watching so I explained the situation to him.. "You know those classes you took on those special students who have particular needs? Ya, that's me. So I need this desk."

I realize I am coming off as some lunatic with a desk issue. And you know what? It's true. I do have that issue.. And that is JUST fine with me...as long as I get that desk. I can have 100 people thinking I'm crazy, because that desk brings results. I am already in College five years, and I do not intend to make it six, because some freshman decides my desk is a free for all.

*Rainy Confessions and The Trust Triangle*

I love a rainy night. When I'm all clean and warm and in my pajamas listening to the rain. Feeling DRY and knowing that the scary coons are probably getting what they deserve. Yes, I love a rainy night. When I'm not having to be out in it that is. A rainy night is so not my friend when I'm having to walk back from the student center in a white t-shirt. I have said before that I like to play in the rain, but I have a serious confession to make. I DO NOT LIKE TO BE IN THE RAIN! I DON'T LIKE THE FEELING AT ALL!!! There it is!!! I said it! If I ever state otherwise, please stop me, because that means I'm just trying to fit in with you. And that is NOT me. Read my blog and see who I really am. haha. I think that's a reason why I like to blog. I feel like I can express myself without anyone forming judgments around me. I can truly be myself and talk the way I want to, because there's noone who is going to go against it. This is MY blog. It's all about my thoughts. I can write until my heart is content, and nobody ever gives negitive feedback. I do get positive feedback sometimes though. A 14 yr old girl fb messaged me today saying she has read all my blogs, and wants me to write a book! I told her that if I ever do write a book, she will be my first fan that isn't forced to be a fan. A forced fan is a family or friend. You know it's true.


My final word today is something VERY important that I have learned and should probably have learned long ago! It's definitely a DUH kind of thing! LISTEN TO THESE WISE WORDS!!!! Don't get involved in a TRUST TRIANGLE! Do you know what a trust triangle is? Of course you do! It's messed you over plenty of times before!!! It's when you are put in a situation involving three people that is a lose lose situation. A rock and a hard place if you will. There is absolutely NO WAY to win. Let me give you an example of the TRUST TRIANGLE. You and Person A are friends...Person A and Person B are friends. Person B and you are close/and or not close. Both can work. You and Person A start telling innermost thoughts and feelings. Person A goes to Person B and talks about YOU and Person B runs to you telling you what Person A said. You are then mad at Person A, and Person B is in trouble by Person A. Or Person B might not like what was said and get other persons involved that have nothing to do with the situation at all. That only leads to people acting weird towards you about something they don't even know about! I mean, those other people are definitely not going to see your side. You are dead meat socially with them. Just say bye right now! Then you have the other scenario where you are close with Person B and Person B is highly offended causing a quarrel that probably wasn't big enough to be a quarrel in the first place. Trusting person A with your innermost thoughts is how you get a big mess on your hands. Nothing against the person, it's just the way of the TRUST TRIANGLE!!! Everyone loses!!! Winning is impossible!!! If there was no triangle, those innermost thoughts to Person A would be fine. Probably a best confidant even! But since the TRUST TRIANGLE is in full force, run as fast as you can from showing your feelings!!!! All I'm saying IS...DO NOT...under ANY circumstances tell any of your secrets to Person A or B! Try to find a Person C! Because Person C knows nothing of Person A or B and your secrets are safe! And last but not least (possibly one of the worst trust triangle scenarios) You are close to Person A and Person B, but Person A and B are not close/fighting. Person A and Person B both want the juice on the other. Do not listen to the "trust me" talk!!! Just go with your gut and KEEP IT CLOSED!!!! Sometimes keeping your big mouth shut no matter how hard it is can be the best solution! The bible talks MANY times about keeping that trap SHUT SHUT SHUT!!!! Let's just learn to keep it to ourselves, people! That way nobody thinks you are something that you are not, and it keeps you from being in unnecissary trouble! You can go on having a happy life with little complications! VOILA!

*Sleep Brings Happiness!*

This morning I woke up on the right side of the bed, and have had a happy feeling inside all day! Every moment has been spent feeling this deep sense of joy that I don't normally have on tues/thurs considering they are my hardest days! But that was not the case today!!! I was sitting in class and I thought to myself "I am really enjoying sitting here right now!". I have been smiling or laughing by myself about random things even though all I've done is school and homework! I didn't even have time to eat lunch, or talk to any of my friends, because I was so busy. I had class all day, but I was constantly on the verge of laughter! This has been a day that feels like the joy inside of me could literally burst out of my skin it's so intense!!! Nothing in my life has changed, except that I went to bed at 8:30 pm last night. I slept for 8hrs. till 4:30am, and then I went back to sleep for three more hours before chapel! That equals 11 beautiful hours of sleep!!! And let me tell ya...It's like a serious attitude booster! I feel like a new woman!!!! I am going to try to go to bed really early at least once a week now! Because days like today are AMAZING!!!!!! Not to mention I didn't have to run into anyone I didn't want to run into! That just makes the day 10000million times better! It's like the sun shines brighter, and the butterflies follow me to class! No really, two butterflies seriously did follow me to class. lol Butterflies never follow me to class when I don't get enough sleep! How do they know?! :)

Needless to say...sleep brings happiness!!! Get some!

"It's True" by Nevertheless

Tell me whose right
Whose wrong
It sounds like the same old song
But if it's compromise they want
Then I don't belong
We paint you in pictures well
We praise you and live like we don't
If you'd ask do we love you still
Sometimes I can't tell

It's true,
I still believe in you
We've made it hard to see
The light shining through
The things we do

Holy and beautiful
Your grace is unstoppable
It's bigger than what we've done
Or how we feel

Underneath my skin,
In a place where no one goes
There is still a fire,
Burning in my soul
The world is such a mess,
But somewhere there is hope
Somewhere there is hope
You are still my hope

*Outgrowing College*

I have a feeling this year at College that I have never really had before. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized exactly what it was....I, Abby, am outgrowing College!!! I look around and everyone seems so young, and I'm not as excited about staying up late or doing all the College things. I see a lot of unnecessary drama, because people are insecure I guess. We all are thrown into this situation without the comfort of our families, so people (including me) tend to be selfish. But it's hard not to be, since you are basically having to look out for yourself! Nobody is looking out for you, that's for sure! I feel like this should be my last year. I feel like I should be starting my internship next fall. And I should be, but thanks to transferring I have two more years. I feel like I have this long, drawn out road that I'm too old for! I feel like I can relate to the people already in the classrooms so much more! Like last night I was talking to a girl who is the new highschool Lit teacher at PA, and I could relate to her more than all the drama at school. EVERYONE seems to be talking bad about each other. It's like...when I'm at home I have NO problem not saying something bad about others. Then when I get to school, it's like word vomit. I prayed this morning that the Lord would put a muzzle over my mouth, because it makes me sick to do those things. I don't like talking bad about people!!! I hate it!!!! And I definitely don't want to reap what sow. It feels so good to do the right thing, and that's what I want to do. MUZZLE. I need a muzzle. And so do lots of people at school. Let's order muzzles for all! I get the word 'muzzle' from the verse: "I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence."- Psalm 39:1-3

I think that Satan is always attacking OBU, because of it's Christian values. I feel so much spiritual war going on, it's insane!!!! And I think that one way He is trying to bring the school down is getting everyone to bad mouth each other. I also think Satan is trying to attack OBU by making everyone feel like they are the perfect Christians, when they are not! If I ever come off as a know-it-all Christian..a holier than thou..PLEASE,SLAP ME!!!! I will NEVER be perfect! I will ALWAYS FALL!!!! Yet, my Lord allows me to hear Him, and bestows some wisdom on me in His grace. I think Satan attacks some people by making them feel like being a "Professional Christian" is what it's about. I know that has happened to me before!!!! I am not acting like I am free from it! I am just as vulnerable! I've seen myself fooled, and that's why I get so frustrated as I look around and see people screaming the name of Christ, yet not living the way Christ would want them to. They may be the ones on the front row with their hands raised high in church, and they may even walk around with a bible in hand. Most of the time they are ministry majors, which was an eye opening thing to realize!They have all the "answers" but does their life show any fruit???
The Lord says:"Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. ¹⁶By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? ¹⁷Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. ¹⁸A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. ¹⁹Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. ²⁰Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them. ²¹Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. ²²Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' ²³Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!' "-Matthew 7:15-23

I think these wolves are ALL around campus...and you know the sad part? Satan has them SO fooled...they have no idea.

*Oh, this fallen world...*

This world is full of wonderful blessings as you can see from the post below...but it's also extremely twisted and broken, because of the fall. I have learned to enjoy my blessings as they come, but to keep my grip very loose on them. When our grip becomes too tight around our blessings, that's when we have a problem. And most blessings don't stay forever, but the Lord brings the right ones at the right time! And sometimes we get so angry at God for taking away blessings that He gave! What is that?! They are His to give and take away. And we DID make this a fallen world, not Him. The anger comes from a mind that has the wrong idea about who God is. He knows SOO much better than we do! I can trust Him, so I don't have to have my grip too firm on my blessings. I can trust that the right things will come into my life at the right time. And sometimes they will be taken away at just the right time, for reasons I don't understand. But what I DO understand, is that the Lord is much higher than I, who am I to judge what He sees as best?He will give me all I need from day to day, if I keep the Kingdom of Heaven my primary concern. And last night, I got my brain knocked into making the Kingdom my primary concern. A lot of the time since I have gotten here, I have focused on all the fun I have been having, and the new wonderful people around me! And that is all fine and good...as long as I keep my head in the game concerning eternity. I can't be too busy, or be having too much fun that I forget what is truly important! And I can't let the wonderful times make me forget that this is a fallen world. My struggles will never be over until the day I die. But, I am very glad that the Lord is gracious and allows me to have such fun things in life to make the ride worthwhile. He is SO good to all of us!!!!

The reason I started thinking about all this, is for two reasons. First of all, I had a night FULL of terrible nightmares!!! I also had a bad dream yesterday during my nap as well. Could this mean that I haven't been fighting the spiritual battle like I need to? I mean, these dreams have been SCARY!!!! Like...stuck in the ocean with sharks all around me, and a ship about to run me over! And to make it even worse, it was at night! And then there was a tornado when I got home, and my house flooded, and all my clothes were lost!!!! It was BAD! I woke up scared as it was, and then I read the email about a freshman here at school dying in a car accident last night. I mean that is always a sobering experience. I am really, really sad for that family, and those girls on her hall. The grief that will be brought about from it is overwhelming. My heart physically hurts for all that will be affected. I hate this fallen world. I can't wait until Heaven. So many tears and grief are a part of being human. When I see such terrible things happen, I need to rely on my trust in the Lord even more. God is NOT bad. He is everything good. That is something I have learned this summer, that will shape the way I live for the rest of my life.

*Baby, It's Morning Time!!!*

I am so happy to be able to blog this post! I have been waiting SO long to be able to write something like this!!!! I mean...I feel like my life consisted of tears and prayers of healing for such a long time!!!!! I feel SO happy! Joyful! I know that no matter what happens to me in my life, God is good, and He is up to my good whether I can see it at the time or not! I just feel like singing praises to Jesus all night and all day for all He has done!I can't stop smiling, because I am just so thankful that the Lord has healed me! And I know that there are going to be other trials in my life, but when they hit, I will remind myself that the Lord is up to something! The Lord CAN and WILL bring beauty from ashes!!! Sometimes you just have to give it time! Be patient when you don't understand! Be patient when it hurts!!!!! God is up to something MORE!!!!

Every fear that I had over the summer about the Fall was just a waste of time!!! I feared that I would have my feelings hurt all over again, but omg, that is so not the case! I am just happy! I feel absolutely NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!!! :) And I just laugh, because I didn't know how I'd feel, and it's seriously NOTHING! My heart doesn't race...my feelings feel fine...I am just HAPPY! Happy about all my new friends!!! Happy about how far the Lord has taken me! Happy I'm not the girl I was! Happy that no one on this earth has control over my heart or feelings!!! Happy that the one who has control is the Lord!!! Happy about all the wisdom that the Lord allowed me to get this summer! In my devotional last night I read this verse that is SO true!!! "Wisdom lights up a person's face, softening it's hardness." -Ecclesiastes 8:1 I prayed for wisdom, and I really feel like the Lord has blessed me with some! This summer was such a growing time for me...and I feel like I have finally found a part of me that was lost a long time ago! I feel more myself than I have in three years!!!! I HAD to deal with myself and see myself for what I really was. I HAD to change...I had no other choice, because the love of the Lord engulfed my life in such a way that I wanted nothing more than to become a different person! Things that I thought I never could accomplish..I did! That and so much more!!!! The power of the Holy Spirit is so much powerful than I could of ever imagined!!!! I feel so impowered! So confident with the Lord by my side!!!!

It doesn't take a dating relationship to make life feel great! It takes giving the Lord every single thing in your life! It takes being able to NOT have someone! To be able to be completely alone and in the world, and still be okay! Dying to yourself, and going through some pain! Yes! I said it!!! I think to get to joy, you sometimes have to feel pain first! But, it makes the joy that much sweeter! I feel so much joy in my heart, I just want to dance all night long!!!! Though sorrows may last for a night...joy comes in the morning!!! And, baby! It's morning time!!!!!!!!!!!

*Back to School and Baby Tigers*

I haven't had the chance to blog since I've gotten here, because it has been the busiest/best few days ever! I absolutely LOVE the new freshman class!!!! I would suggest being a WOW leader to anyone, because it really is a blast. It's also a great way to be in a position to help people. This is such a big transition in their lives, and they need someone to kind of be there to help them in that. I remember how I felt when I moved to ATU three years ago! I cried the whole way there out of terror! haha! But I made it through! And oddly enough...I'm starting my second year at OBU tomorrow, which I wasn't expecting at that time. It's funny the turns that life can make. And this turn was incredible. I LOVE THIS SCHOOL!!! It makes me sad that I didn't just come here first, but I know that God can use good out of the ATU experience. Maybe I just don't see it yet. I definitely got a culture shock or two, and that was good for me, I guess. haha.

The speaker we had on Sunday for our worship service was AMAZING! He talked about how we need friends in our lives who will tell us when they see something in our lives that might turn into something bad. Kind of like a baby tiger that is SO cute, and say a person wants it as a pet. At first it seems adorable, and like a good idea. But over time that thing turns into a huge, flesh eating animal. It will grow up and eat you! It's basically talking about things that come before God. If you are dating someone and they are your world, it may be a baby tiger right now, but it will grow into a huge, flesh eating tiger in the future. He said other things as well, but that's the one that stuck out to me, because I've made that mistake before! I had a baby tiger that I thought would be okay to have, but it ate me in the end! But I am totally happy that the Lord allowed it to eat me!!! What mercy He had on me! He loved me enough to let my plans fail! What a WONDERFUL GOD!!!! I totally understood what he was talking about!!! God needs to come first! Like when he said "To follow me you must hate your brothers, and even your life". He didn't REALLY mean HATE them! He just meant love God above all else! And that is definitely my goal! And so far I am just all around happier since I have pursued that! God is SO good!!!!!

*Can't Sleep!*

I am the type of person that needs A LOT of sleep. I try to get around nine hours a night, and getting even more than that makes me a happy girl. If I get eight or less, I get nervous about the next day. I do not function well without a lot of sleep like many college students these days. And if I do happen to only get seven hours at night, I end up taking a three hour nap the next day. So, there's a little backdrop on my sleep life so you can understand how odd this night has been....

I was not tired at all last night, but finally forced myself to go to bed at 1am. Then when 4:30 am rolled around, I woke up screaming from a dream I was having. My sister came in to see what was wrong which scared me even more. My whole body was literally SHAKING! It took everything in me to calm myself down, and make my hands stop moving. I could hear my heartbeat inside of me. It was SO freaky! I didn't like it at all!!! I realized what time it was and got really nervous, because I'm supposed to go to a doctor's appointment at 9:30 am. I knew that there was no way I would get an adequate amount of sleep, so I tried so hard to fall asleep really fast. That's a little inside view of my thought life. Calculating the amount of sleep I am getting is a normal aspect of my night. No matter how hard I tried to fall asleep last night, I just couldn't! My mouth was really hurting me, and my jaw not working caused me some panic, especially when I had nothing but time to lay there and think about it. I seriously can't open it. It's not that the pain is too deep to open it, it just WILL NOT OPEN! I really hope the doctor can figure out what the deal is. I want to feel myself again! It makes me thankful for the times that I don't have any health problems. They are such a hassle.

The good news about this odd night is that I did have a GREAT time with the Lord around 5:30! I never thought that I could get spiritual insight at such an early hour, because I do not function before the sun. Never have, and I can't see myself doing it anytime soon. From about 4:30 to 5:30 I was just laying there trying to fall asleep, but all I really did was think. I was thinking so many thoughts and my brain was just going crazy. Then I started reading "Me, Myself, and Lies" and it is about our thought closet!!! God really spoke to me through that book, and I felt His prescence in such an amazing way! I am happy about that!!!!! Being dead tired all day is going to be worth it. Plus, I wasn't going to get to say good-bye to my brother, but now I can, because I am up as early as he is!

I'm moving back to school today.......AHH!!!!!! (That was a scream of excitment,nervousness, and just plain freaking out!!!!)

'Yours Alone' by Phil Whickham

Lord You are the anchor
Refuge in the storm
Your words are wisdom
Shining in the dark

I hear Your voice on the water
I feel Your touch in the wind
Your above and beneath me
Surround my heart again

And I know that You are good
God I know that all You do is good

So I put my life in Your hands
I’m Yours alone, I’m Yours alone
Surrender, Lord I raise my hands
To You alone, to You alone

Lord Your voice guides me
So Tell me what to do
Your heart it drives me
To follow after You

*SO EMBARRASING!!!!!*

Today I had one of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life. I have come to the conclusion that the feeling of embarrassment is my least favorite feeling of all. I would rather feel extremely sad, then have to go through that feeling ever again. It is a terrible, terrible experience!

So, my face is extremely large and puffy due to getting my wisdom teeth out, and that already makes it hard to go out in public. I can't smile or talk very well, and I look like a marsh mellow. But i needed to get some errands done for school, and one very important errand was to get my toes done. No sickness will keep my from getting my toes shiny and pink. That is something I just cannot think about missing!!!! So I ventured out into the public eye to get my pedicure, not knowing what horrors were headed my way. The pedicure was great as always, and it seemed like the afternoon was going to go pretty well. After the pedicure, we decided to stop at heavenly ham to get some food before my doctor's appointment. I am having a really hard time chewing, and it's embarrassing enough just trying to eat. So we sat down and ordered our food, and I tried as best I could to get food down my throat. Next thing I know, a cute guy about 25 or so comes and sits at the table beside us. These tables are SO close, so he could hear everything that we were saying. I was horrified, because we made eye contact, which meant he had seen my swollen face. I was having the worst time trying to eat in a dignified manner, when all the sudden my mom SCREAMS: "HEY! You got a boogie in your nose!!!" Let me first say, I did NOT have a booger in my nose! It was a piece of bread gone astray on my cheek! Which happens all the time since I can't feel my mouth at all! When my mom screamed that I had a booger in my nose the man turned away really quickly and turned red. He was totally embarrassed for me! It was the worst moment of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was MORTIFIED!!!!!! Mom then asked if I wanted to sit there for a minute and I was like "No! Give me the keys!!!" Mom had NO IDEA about the awkward moment, and she thought I should have been more thankful for her "boogie" comment. I mean...seriously, mom! really?!?!!?!?!?!?! I am having a hard time even writing about it, because that raw feeling of utter mortification is still fresh on my mind. I hope none of you ever have to experience such a traumatizing situation in your days on this earth.

*The Life!*

I have been bedridden for four days now, and it is not that bad at all! I actually would love to have one week out of every month where I can just sleep and watch movies with no obligations. This is the life!!! I am not the kind of person that has to be doing something all the time, and it takes a while for me to get sick of being alone. I would probably have cabin fever by now if I didn't have so many amazing friends and family members who have come to visit! Since my dentist is my uncle, I even got a special visit from him the day of! Gotta love those family connections!!! And I have a ton!

Because of the pain pills I can't really stay coherent that long, and I am feeling really happy! I'm like stuck in bed with a huge face and just really okay with it all. Nothing is bothering me! "Don't worry, be happy" is my motto this week, and it is wonderful, haha! BUT, I do want to be able to focus more so I can start reading "Me, Myself, and Lies". It's a book that Beth Moore is doing a bible study with for her blog! I can't wait to see what's inside! I love having a new book to read!!!! I forced myself to read last night from "Dear Jesus" because I haven't been getting bible time in considering my brain is incognito this week! The words were like moving and it took like five minutes to read one sentence! Then it didn't really register what it meant, so I gave up and turned on Golden Girls. I slept most of the day yesterday, so I woke up at like 2am last night and had nothing to do! Just watched Golden Girls and played with some of the stuff nana gave me! People were very good at picking out what presents to get me! I have used it all! My nana is so sweet! She knows I love presents, so she wrapped every little thing so I had a ton to open! Everyone has been so kind and thoughtful!!!!! I feel so loved!!!!! I think if I fell off the face of the earth a couple people would notice. lol. And it's nice to have times like these to remind me of that! I have such a strong and wonderful group of people backing me up no matter what! I am very blessed!!!!! :)

*MUCH BETTER!*

I feel a lot better now than I did when I wrote the post below! I went to the Chris Tomlin concert, and it was incredible!!! God really showed up there! I'm sure everybody was moved by the experience. It was more a time of worship, than an actual concert. It' always odd to see the person who sings the song, when I never saw him as looking that way. Chris is kind of like a short elf, but attractive none the less. I am glad that the concert made me feel a lot better, and I just wanted to state that so none of my 2 readers would be worried that I'm still upset. I am great again, haha! The cool has been found!

*Me-Not at my best!*

I am about to rant and rave, because I am always trying to have it together and today on the eve of my wisdom teeth removal, I am NOT okay!!!! And you know why?! Because bridesmaid dress shopping is horrible! THE WORST!!!!! Why do people make it out to be a fun event!? Someone else gets to pick out a dress that looks completely unflattering, while they look perfect in their well-fitted wedding dress! To make things more stressful they didn't have my size, so I just got measured and ordered some dress cold turkey! Whose to say it's even gonna look right?!?!?! AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so upset right now! I have lost my cool!!! It is so lost, I have no idea when I'll find it!!! It has gone and hidden in a cold, dark place where noone has ever gone before! I cried in the middle of David's Bridal for all to see. All those brides trying on their dresses with not a care in the world look over and see me red faced and heaving! Because not only did that not work out, but the OTHER bridesmaid dress I have for another wedding came in and looks SO BAD!!!!!! Dresses normally make me feel beautiful, but this makes me feel like a hobbit!!!!!!!! AK!!!!!! The fact that I have been worrying about getting my wisdom teeth out has not helped in any way! I have been cleaning and doing chores to get ready for school for three days, and I am just stressed!!! I feel like the more I do, the more there is to get done!!!! My room is SO messy, but I've been working on it all the time! HOW is that possible?!?!?!??! I have been working so hard at living a calm, cool, and collected life. But right now....I'm throwing that to the wayside!!!!!!!!!!! I am just going to lay here in my pajamas with a box fan blowing on me until I feel better. Then, like I always do, move on and start a new day with a smile on. Luckily, my new day is coming with happy pills thanks to the surgery.

I do have a Chris Tomlin concert to look forward to tonight! And (as you can see by the post) some praying to do. lol.

*Bittersweet*

I haven't blogged in some time, because I have been super busy with life. I have been going on trips and having things to do almost every single second. I welcome a time to just write down things that I have been thinking about lately. I have been shopping for school and gearing up for that new chapter in my life. I hope that my first senior year will be incredible. I say first, because there's going to be a second senior year as well, haha. If the first one doesn't work out, I'll have another go!

I am bittersweet about my return to school. On one hand I am super excited about the new year and possibilities. I want to get involved more than I did last year, and I already have a ton of friends that I'm ready to see more often. I have made new friends that I like, and I also miss my friends from last year and I am more than ready to see them! I am excited about the new freshman class, and want to make their transition to college as smooth as possible. My dorm is going to be amazing, and I just have a good feeling about this year.

On the other hand I am terrified. I am terrified about potential awkward moments, and of hurt that might creep up suddenly. I am terrified of the memories that come to mind when I go onto the campus. My heart broke numerous times, and the pain is hidden there. I don't want it to open back up. I am scared that I will end up in this ratrace in which I care more about what people are my friends and how many friends I have instead of focusing mainly on the Lord. I don't want to be in this frenzy to make myself feel like I am social enough. Someone told me I wasn't social enough, and from then on I've just been like crazed out trying to prove to myself that he was wrong. But it's getting so tiring, and I don't want to wear myself out. I don't want to have to try so hard to prove something anymore. I just need to trust God. He has always taken care of me and given me the friends I need at the right time. I'm scared. Scared silly. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want something bad to happen this year like it has happened every single year since I started college. I just want to stay in the warm/snuggly summer where everything seems right in the world. But...I can't. I can't run forever. The Lord will be with me through anything I may face, and I can breathe a sigh of relief when I think about that. Everything will be just fine.........

*Get Your Paws Off Me!*

I am about to head to Branson in a few minutes, and I have about five minutes to kill.

Yesterday at Senior Tequila I had this creepy waiter who would put his hand on my back every time he came by our table. The first time I literally jumped outta my seat, because it was outta nowhere, and freaked me out! I mean...nobody comes up and touches my back hardly at all. It's kind of a touch that a fiance would give his wife-to-be. Not a waiter/waitee relationship!I got to the point where I tried not to drink my drink, just so the creepstah wouldn't come and touch my back!!!! That is my back! Why was his hand on it?! YIKES!!!! So he did it again and when he left I turned to my friend and said"How do you say 'GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME' in espanol?!?!" lol Do I LOOK like a free for all?!?!?!

That is all. Goodbye for now.

*Not Afraid*

I used to be afraid. Afraid of almost everything in life, but I am hardly ever scared anymore. I know that most of the reason why I am not afraid is because I asked Jesus to put a hedge of protection around me. I have felt like a spiritual shield has been put up recently, and it has helped me so much! The girl I meet with every week prayed for the shield around me as well, and I can feel it working. I am just not very afraid. It is SO freeing! I can even spend the night alone at my house, and not have one single fear! Not even a skiddish moment! In fact, I like it when I stay home alone, because it is easier to sing loud to Jesus. I don't do that when people are home. I just played praise music as loud as I could and sang my heart out and got on my knees. You can't do that with other people in the house. And there's nothing like it.

Lately I have been so busy with life, and it kinda made me not notice the Lord as much during my days. A busy life can be a bad thing sometimes! It's harder to notice Jesus when life is just a whirlwind of people and places. Because of my busy life it had been like three days since I truly felt the Lord's presence in a real way. In my bathroom earlier I was putting my cold toes in warm water, and I just had this random, sudden sadness. I was so utterly alone in that room, and it cut deep. I was like "Jesus! I feel sad!!! I feel lonely!!! I am missing you!!!! " and the verse about him delighting in every detail of our lives came to mind. And I realized that Jesus delights in EVERY detail of my life. Even those random sad moments that make no sense at all and won't even matter tomorrow. He's there in every moment and cares more than I could ever imagine. I sat on the edge of my tub and stared saying "God, you care about even the little details of my life, don't you? These random seconds of sadness where I just cry out to you. These moments where I feel loneliest." ...then in my heart I heard these wonderful words in return: "Yes, more than you know." and I felt his presence in my knees like I always have since I was a little girl. What a nice, nice moment.

*Last Day*

Tomorrow is my last day of work and I can hardly believe it! I mean...these past 7 weeks have FLOWN by!!!! I have learned so much from it, and I am going to miss the kids like crazy! And I am DEFINITELY going to miss working with Kristin!!! She keeps me laughing and smiling, and like her mama says...we are two peas in a pod! I'm sad to say good-bye to everyone! I'm not good at good-byes at all....

One thing I've learned in life is that the only thing that never changes is that things are going to change. Life is all about changing and seasons...and I am really having to get that through my head. I like SAMENESS....change scares me so bad! But now I am learning to embrace it. And it is so hard to say good-bye to parts of my life, but I can rest in the fact that each new part will have it's own set of joys! The Lord has always been faithful and sent the right friends at the right time. Even if they are only in my life for a short amount of time. Each season will bring new people, and each season people will leave. And you know what? That's okay. It used to terrify me, and I'd freak out about it....but I have come to realize that the only thing I can't live without is my Jesus, and luckily He will never leave me! He is the only sameness I will ever have. And that's the only sameness I need! :)

Falling Into Place

"Falling Into Place" by The Afters
It was raining on the sun
The ground beneath my feet was crumbling
Day and night had come undone
It was the season of my wandering

Somehow Somewhere
You found me there
It was the moment that it all became clear

I was on the edge
Of a distant world
A shattered life
With no where left to turn
Till I saw You there
And everything I thought had gone to waste
Was falling into place

It's finally quiet in my head
As I lay the pieces at Your feet
It's finally starting to make sense
I guess I found the missing part of me

Oceans that I almost drowned in
I had to lose it all
Just so I could find out you were there to break my fall

*Exhausted!*

I am so tired right now! It is 6:30 pm and I'm writing this blog to try and keep myself awake, but I don't think it's gonna happen!!!! I might just be going to bed now, and waking up in the middle of the night! It's a good thing to be so tired from an amazing weekend, though. It is definitely catching up to me! I need SLEEP!!!!!!

Sometimes I wonder why I am so afraid when I serve such a powerful God. I feel like I am the one who would ask to walk on water, then look at the waves crashing around and sink. Jesus would have to ask me why I had such little faith...why I didn't trust Him. I know in my head that Jesus is more than trustworthy, now I just have to get it into my heart. My head and heart are usually opposites. My feelings contradict a lot of the things I know to be true. That's why I don't rely on my feelings to make decisions or evaluate a situation. Because when I rely on my feelings I just become a crazy mess of worry. All I know is.... I need to cease striving and know that He is God.

*Whispers on the Sidewalk*

This weekend was an amazing weekend, and the Lord spoke to me on a number of occasions which always gets me excited! I love hearing from Him, and the peace that He gives me. I know that there is never going to be a time in my life when He's not trying to teach me something. I love that....my life is going to be a journey of learning. And right now I'm learning a few things at once, but one main thing is working hard at being at peace with others. I have been WAY too selfish in my life, and it's time for me to become someone who truly understand the word love. I want to see people through the Lord's eyes and be a positive part in the lives of whomever God chooses. I want to be a grace giver and an encourager to those around me...I want a heart for others. And I am going to work hard at it....and if you see me not doing it, please tell me to get back on track! Because my human nature kicks in pretty quick at times. I am marking out a straight path for me, because the Lord has called me to it. I don't want to get sidetracked so I'm going to make out a list of my straight path. And it's probably going to take a few weeks to see exactly what path God has for me is. And obviously there will always be more to add as I mature in my faith. But I need some concrete path guidelines to follow! And there are parts of every detail of my life that needs to stick to that path. Part of the path is forgiveness and kindness no matter what happens.....working hard at showing love and not being so selfish....giving my love life completely to the Lord and striving for purity in the FAR future when the Lord decides it's the right time....and so many more, but I haven't mapped it all out yet. I'm also writing down situations like: If this happens, then I'll react like this...so I can be ready to react to things the way Jesus would want me to. Because when I'm surprised by things it never goes over well. So I'll make myself ready!

Now to the part that explains why this is titled "Whispers on the Sidewalk"....Me and some friends were running around the new dorms, and for some reason I got lost from the rest of the group, and that general area is just creepy when nobody is with you. So I was getting kind of scared and decided to go sit on the newly paved sidewalk while I watched the buildings to see if I could find anybody. I'd see a light turn on and off here and there, but there was no way to find them. So I just sat there and began thinking and praying about the upcoming school year. Painful memories from last year that caused my stomach to ache would flash through my mind every once in a while and I just began praying through them. I have flashes of bad memories every once in a while, but when I was actually at the location they happened, they came more frequently. And as I was praying about the memories and the fears about next year, I felt the Lord and heard Him whisper to my heart "I'm going to take care of you. Stop worrying my anxious Abby." I just had this peace come over me, and I knew right then that the Lord has some great things in store. And I don't need to worry, because He is going to work things out for me. And I know He sees my heart and how much I truly want to do what's right. Even if it's not what I think it should be, the Lord will work things together for my good. Whatever brings greater glory to Jesus is what I want. Even if it's not what I feel I want. Does that make sense? He is already working for my good in so many ways, and I can't thank Him enough! He will give me what I need if I make the Kingdom of Heaven my primary concern. And that is definitely what my heart's desire is now. I can't say it has ever been like this before.....but it is now. And I am so thankful for that, too. My eyes were opened to what shallow Christianity I had before, and I never want to go back.