I remember the first time I ever left Beau in his own room for the night.
It was well past the time when many other parents decide to do it for a few reasons. The "right" time was the day he turned 6 months old and I remember looking at his pack n play right beside me thinking no way hosay. I had gotten so used to him being there, my comfort had started to depend on it. And if anything were to happen (and I had thought of every outlandish thing that could) I would be there. By the time I thought I had mustered up enough courage to actually move him, we were in between houses and he didn't have his own room.
A year ago when we moved into this house, I was determined to finally move him. But when night fell, I was so used to him being with me that I set up his pack n play next to my bed like always because I just couldn't do it. What if he gets cold and I have no idea? What if the new place scares him? What if he gets right against the bumper pad? What if his socks are too tight on his cankles? What if, what if, what if? But then I heard a very gentle, familiar voice speak to my heart out of nowhere:
"I will be there to take care of him when you're not there. Do you trust me?"
I hadn't really had the chance to see if I trusted Him. I didn't want to have to know that answer. I hadn't left Beau for more than a few hours a handful of times and every time I thought of him the whole time.
In that very emotional and important moment, I told God that I did trust Him and put Beau in his bed across the house for the very first time.
Beau slept better and more peaceful that night than he ever had and we all made it out better for it. God took care of him just like He said He would and I realized I had not been trusting God like I should.
I was reminded of that special moment in my life tonight because I've been up with Beau who seems to be starting to have bad dreams. I went in and comforted him and prayed for him that God would comfort him when I was gone and help him not to be afraid. As much as I wanted to stay there for longer, I knew for all of our sakes, sanity, and sleep life, I needed to leave and close the door behind me. But I can confidently close that door behind me, it's not hard like it used to be.
There is always One who never sleeps who is with him. And He is the One who gives him even better peace than I can. I believe that with all my heart and nothing will ever shake that. My God is too real in my life to ever doubt. He's so loving and gentle and kind and forgiving and an ever present help. Even though Beau doesn't know God yet, I know he feels His peace and He's a huge part of his life comforting him and helping him already.
I watched Beau listen to his "Jesus Loves Me" bunny that sang to him when I got back to my room on the monitor. He cried a little but was quickly comforted by the song and once again I got to see that he is okay without me.
I know there will be many times I can't be there. He is independent by nature and daily takes his stuffed animals and cars to the door saying "bye bye" and waving to me like he's ready to go. He feels like he can make it without me already, but thankfully I still have some time. I do know that wherever the bye byes take him in his future, the One who loves Beau more than I ever could goes with him and I can always rest in that.