Friday, December 2, 2016

*He Came Near*

There was a moment hours into watching my son suffer and fight for his life that I knew I would have to stay with him alone. I was told parents only and possibly only one in the room. Not that it mattered, Brian was hours away trying to get to us. Shaken up and changed forever, I looked at my sister in law kelsey and said "This is a time you're glad when Jesus goes with you."

We spent hours in the ER after a fast paced "code red" situation. I knew it was whatever code red means because a nurse said it on the intercom after taking Beau's vitals and it seemed to be the loudest sound I'd ever heard in my life. 14 people surrounding my son as I was by his head rubbing him and holding his hand. "You're doing great, try not to hold his has SO tight" a really sweet nurse told me with a comforting voice. I WAS holding on so tight. One of my two greatest treasures was in front of me fighting for his life.

A little candy bar he got into without anyone seeing. A little candy bar is all it could take. I didn't know how serious it could get, I really didn't know.

We arrived at the ER around 7 and I'll never forget the security guard looking at him and saying urgently "Don't wait in line! Go!!" I've never realized how lucky I was to have to wait forever on the stomach bug infested chairs in an ER before. If you have to wait that's good news. We didn't have to wait...

Four and 1/2 traumatizing hours later my baby boy was finally asleep and I could breathe again. We were moved to the hospital and not long after I was alone with Beau in a hospital room. He looked so small in the bed. Sitting by a familiar computer screen lighting and steady beeps in the background, I finally let myself breakdown. I just cried and cried expecting to feel so alone but I didn't.

Chills hit me hard when I could feel God with me so near in that moment. He was there as He always is, but in a closer more obvious way. Comforting me. Holding us. Beau was finally comforted and so was I. God was THERE.

I believe in God because I know Him and I feel Him. I believe in God because He's not just something I read or hear about. He's the most important part of me.

Until the story ends and God can wipe away our tears forever, He's there with us in them. I know He hurts for us, too. I know seeing us suffer is so hard for Him. But He's there through the hardest moments of our lives feeling it with us, too. He's emotional. Sitting by us suffering is as hard for Him as it is for me to sit by my son and hold his hand while he was in agony and fear. God was human, He understands our pain. And more than that He loves us like His own children. His life was filled with more pain than I could ever imagine. He knows suffering and He's there with us through it.

Today Beau came up to me and said: "You didn't leave me, mama. Honey didn't leave me, mama." He was obviously talking about the actual ER because we both were there the entire time until he fell asleep. Even a three year old is impacted by knowing he won't be left in the hardest times. We won't be left in our hardest times, either. He is there. And He is GOOD.

Saturday, April 23, 2016

*So Much More*

Today I found myself amongst piles of clothes trying to figure out what fit Beau and what didn't anymore.

It never gets easy putting the clothes away that he'll never wear again. I have memories tied to so many of the outfits that might be lost if I pack them away. We are lucky we have so many good memories that I can't keep them all in my mind. These years of just me and Beau have been amazing and FULL. I can't help but be thankful.

I was pleasantly surprised by the feeling of being proud of myself, too. I felt proud that I've made it to yet another size up for my son and all the work it took to get there. I feel like moms give themselves way too much grief....when I'm proud of myself, I can be a better mom. Riddling myself with guilt never makes me better. Each mom has her strengths and they deserve to be noticed inside themselves.

We were created to do this, our kids were given to us for a purpose and it was no mistake that God gave our kids to US. I truly believe this verse has so much to do with being a mom:

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 3:10

It's overwhelming to think about the much bigger picture this pregnancy means and being a mom to my boys day to day. The mundane days that seem like they may not matter add up to a much larger plan than we could ever imagine. It's days like today when I'm cleaning out a closet that it hits me.....all of these little things are adding up to something big.

I can't wait to see what the something big will be for both of my kids. I can't wait to start this next chapter of my life knowing TWO sons and pouring all I have to give into them. And even more than that, pouring all I have to give with the help of the Holy Spirit which is much more than I could do on my own.

Maybe that's why I can truly feel proud? I know it's not ME doing the good, but it's God. I know I'm not the one equipped with strength, but it's God who gives it to me. It's not all on me at all. And we are human, we CAN'T be perfect no matter how hard we try so why do we beat ourselves up when we aren't? Anything I do right is because of God and anything I do wrong is forgiven.

I can definitely breathe a sigh of relief and turn down the noise of today where everyone has the ONE RIGHT WAY to feed/birth/parent a baby and realize, my kids were given to me on purpose. It's okay if I don't do exactly what people think I should. I'm going to point my kids to God and because of that guilt has no place and the outside noise turns down. I can enjoy this first year knowing what a wonderful beginning to something big it'll be no matter how I choose to do it. Because God has a BIG plan and those tiny things don't matter nearly as much as we make them seem.

What truly matters is knowing God and making Him known. Seeking Him in those long nights and tired days because He is the source of life and truth and all I need.

And He is what my kids need most of all. He's SO much more than anything we can give them ourselves. He's part of the much much much bigger picture. Actually, He IS the bigger picture.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Halfway There!

We are just a few days shy of being 20 weeks and things are definitely getting more exciting!!!

Here is a picture of me at 19.5 weeks:

Pregnancy photos are not my favorite to take but I do know now that it's fun to look back when pregnancy is a distant memory in life's rear view mirror. :)

We now know that our sweet baby is a BOY named Luke and he is kicking and moving like crazy! I started feeling him at 16 weeks which is much earlier than I did with Beau. He feels like a frog hopping and I love it!!

He now weighs a 1/2 lb which we got to find out at the gender reveal! He is SO cute!!! Here's some pictures of his head, little arm, and foot! My heart could explode:

We also found out there's a complication with the placenta placement which was a bit of a bummer but it definitely didn't take away the excitement of the gender reveal! I'm not allowed to move much or lift anything including Beau so that's been interesting! I'm still very nauseas so we'll see if I'll be in the hall of fame for being nauseas until he's here. It's looking good for that award around here!

One great thing about having a boy is we already have everything we need!!! I probably won't even make a nursery or decorate before the baby comes which is totally the opposite of my first pregnancy. We only use the pack n play beside our bed for the first six months anyway and we need guest rooms for visitors that will want to get their hands on our Luke!

I'm a little more practical this time around I'd say but I did splurge on something for the hospital of course!!! :) Here it is:

Just seeing that cute little onesie gets me really excited for what's to come. I now know I'll be an all boy mom and I am definitely okay with that!!! I only played with boy dolls when I was little which is funny because I was always meant to be a boy mom even then.
I've always had a special place in my heart for little boys and men in general and I am honored to be surrounded by them!!!! It's such a privilege! I feel nothing but feelings of joy ever since I heard the wonderful words "It's a boy!"

I'm really excited!!! :)