These past few days of my life have changed who I am forever.
I tried my whole life to figure out what becoming a mom would feel like and I wasn't even close to getting it right. My heart feels a million times better than I ever dreamed and it's much less scary/overwhelming than I thought it would be. It's like God puts something in your body and mind to help you, so imagining being a mom before I was one was a lot harder than it actually is. It's true that you never sleep and you are in pain afterwards…but oh, the joy you feel and the love that washes over you takes control and you feel something in your heart you never have before. Something so great that only the Creator of this world could put it there. I'm a better person for knowing my little Beau already and I never want to go back to who I was.
To get to that moment of pure joy and bliss, it took many trials in the days before. The bible says: "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her hour has come, but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into this world." That verse couldn't be more true.
Tuesday morning around 4am my contractions started coming and my "hour" or many hours of pain were about to come. We had a C section scheduled that Friday for health reasons and I never even had one Braxton Hick so I thought I'd get out of the whole labor without meds thing. I am so not granola, so I was relying on the fact that I would probably be numb when most of the hard work happened, but that 4am wake-up call ruined that dream.
I called my doctor and told him what was going on and he said to go in to see if we needed to go ahead and get him out that day. They hurt, but weren't terribly painful but I wanted to go in for sure because I had high hopes in the pain relief hospitals readily offer and was ready to get on that train ASAP! When we got there I had the terrible realization that I had to actually dilate through contractions to a certain point if the baby wasn't 39 weeks along yet. He was three days away, so I was basically sent home to tough it out for a bit because it was only early labor and it could last a few days.
Fast forward to 11:30pm the next night after having contractions throughout the day and they steadily got worse and worse until they become VERY painful and five minutes apart. That's when they said to come in, so we rushed to the hospital and they put me on the monitor immediately. We were there from 12:00am-4:00am with me just laboring there and having contractions that made me bawl my eyes out only to be told I was still not dilated at all and had to go back home! Talk about disappointing!! Luckily they put me out of my misery for a little bit with a shot that stopped the contractions for a few hours and a pain killer as well.
The whole next day I contracted on and off and by that night it was to the point where I was begging the dear Lord to take me to my maker!!! I have never known pain on that scale and what I once thought was agony in my former life is a walk in the park. Recovering from a C section is rough, but I'm just thankful I'm not in labor because woaaaa…it is not playing around! It makes the recovery process pretty doable because it's like "At least I'm not having THAT happening anymore!" My insides all blended up feels MUCH better.
Since they had sent me home so much, I tried to tough it out because I didn't want to be sent home again and this time the contractions were fifteen minutes apart instead of five and that was too far apart so I thought. I finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and just wanted one of those miracle shots, so we rushed to the hospital where I was like: "You'll probably just send me home again" crying and the nurse was like: "OH wow, you're staying here!! The baby's head is right there!!"
FOR REAL?! You have GOT to be kidding me! I NEVER wanted to be the hero!!!!! I was so okay, ready, and willing to be judged by the la leche league for my love of doctors and medicine!
Anyway, we got to to hospital at 5:45am and the baby came out at 6:29am if that tells you how fast they got me in there. I got my spinal on the OR table so I got a good look at how many people this was going to take and all the tools that were about to dig into my gut. Talk about unfortunate moment in life. They didn't let Brian come in for all that so I was forced to put my head in the bosom of a woman I don't know while I got something shoved in my back. It should've been an awkward moment but since I was still contracting and I was in such desperation bawling my eyes out, I held onto her like she was my own mother! I remember thinking her clothes smelled extremely good…I kept commenting on that later that day even. Out of all that went on, her smell still stuck with me. I REALLY want to know what laundry detergent she uses.
I talked during my entire wedding ceremony so why wouldn't I talk during my entire C section, too? I kept saying things like "I think I can't breathe!!!" and "My arms!!! My arms! My arms are free!" Apparently they never were free but I swear I remember waving my arms in the air. The worst part was probably when they opened me up and air ran up to my shoulders causing a terrible pain that the spinal didn't get rid of. That's when I thought I moved my arms in the air but I think when they knew I was in pain they added a little somethin somethin because things got a little hazier from there.
Things went pretty downhill not long after that. We had no idea there was something wrong with our baby until I heard the doctor very calmly say to the NICU nurses…"We have some meconium here." I remember my heart sinking and my world started to spin. I didn't know much, but I knew that wasn't good. I then felt like I was going to throw up so I started yelling: "I think I'm going to throw up, no really, I'm going to throw up!!" So I got this bag put by my face but I had no idea what help that would do since I was stuck facing upwards.
I remember trying not to throw up and feeling a tug at my stomach then people rushing over to the baby on my right. I heard the quietest sound I have ever heard in my life and started saying over and over: "Why isn't he crying? Why isn't he crying? Isn't he supposed to cry by now?" The doctor just calmly and gently said: "Don't worry, we are just needing to jump start him."
I could see Brian looking at him and I told him to move, but he wouldn't no matter how much I begged. He didn't want me to see what he thought at the time was our dying child. I saw a little blue foot from around him, but that's all I could get a glimpse of and the feeling of throwing up rushed over me even worse. I waited and waited for what seemed like forever…right when I heard a faint baby wail and looked Brian in his teary eyes, I went blank and don't remember much from there. Maybe since I was panicking they put something else in to help calm me down…I really have no idea, I just know I went blank. But if that was the case, thank you whoever you are! I needed that relief…it was too much to handle and I was definitely in a panic which probably doesn't make sowing me up easy.
Beau came out with a score of one which was barely alive. He was not breathing and his heart rate was below 80. The cord had gotten wrapped around his arms and squeezed him so tight the blood flow was messed with is what I gather from what I heard. The miracle from God is that they revived him and in ten minutes he scored a 9! YES…a NINE! Talk about turn around!!! I am so thankful to Jesus for that miracle!!!!! Even though I had to go through those moments of shear panic, my baby was saved and the jump start the doctor spoke of worked. I can't thank the NICU nurses enough for what they did for my baby.
I can't remember meeting my son, but my mom told me as they wheeled me out I just kept saying: "I haven't seen my baby, they didn't let me see my baby!" Then when we finally got to the room Brian said I had my eyes closed shut saying: "I can't see him, I can't see him!" I vaguely have an image in my mind of someone putting him propped up on my arm since I couldn't really hold him normally since I just had surgery. Other than that…it's all a blur and I'm not even sure when my mind came back. I don't exactly have a first memory, but I DO have a first picture of the moment. Everyone says I looked like I was "glowing" but that was actually yellow from nausea. Bright as the shining sun yellow, I guess. ha
I may not remember details for the first hour or so, but I do remember over time coming to and falling in love instantly. Beau was cuter than I even imagined and he was MINE. I still can't really fathom that when I look at him. He had a really hard time with his blood sugar because of his hard birth so the nurses had me put him skin to skin for a couple of hours to help him get better. Nourishment only brought his blood sugar levels up 2 points, but being close to his mama and hearing my heartbeat brought it up 22 points. My body was able to help my baby and that seriously was one of the best feelings ever. It was sad that he needed it, but it was such an intimate way to get our relationship started. To have a baby rely on me and for me to be his place of comfort is a moment that will change me forever. To have such a cute little one so tiny looking with those little eyes like he knows me so well makes my heart swell with thankfulness. I love him so much more than I ever thought possible and my sweet baby gives me all that love right back. He's mine, and he knows he's mine…praise the Lord this precious baby is mine.