Tuesday, August 14, 2012

*Firsts Days and Foggy Mirrors*

I love first days. They bring so much excitement and mystery and imagination about what could be. There's so much newness and hope and anticipation of what the year will be like. First days are thought about long before they arrive, so when they do come our way-we are more than ready. These firsts are usually good days, but they rarely are a clear indicator of what will really be. You just never know what surprises you'll get that you never thought about before.

I think of my first day of 2nd grade when I finally went to school (still illiterate..it was TIME). Or my first day of 5th grade when I moved schools. My first day of college and my first days of work. I imagined all of them in my mind far before they happened and would go through scenarios in my mind I thought would come true. I even had a few dreams at night that gave me a picture of what I thought it would be like, but nothing I came up with in my mind was ever even close. And even when I got a visual on the first day of who I could be friends with or what could happen…it always surprised me how it turned out. It was never what it seemed.

My entire future right now is one blank canvas that I try to keep picturing, but can't even come up with an image for. I don't know the new place I'm going well enough to even have an idea. I don't know who i'll meet and be close to or what things will turn out to be. I've always at least been able to come up with some sort of picture, but for my new town it's just…empty. (I mean it's taken me 24 years to figure out where I am here, no telling how long it'll take there!!!)

I have a few glimpses of my new life from my first days….but I know enough about life to know that it won't be anything like I see now. It's so strange looking at my whole life through such foggy mirrors. At least here I can picture where everything is and am certain that it will look like that next year. Shipley's donuts has been my tried and true future promise from birth. I just have some hazy images of a CVS pharmacy in the new town, but that's about it.

Sometimes I have a little panic moment wondering what on earth I'm doing…but I know with all my heart that Brian is worth it. And above all- God's plan is worth it. Like they said on Sunday...sometimes God will just come in and change everything about your life and blow up all you knew for a bigger and better thing.

But it's still the scariest thing I've ever done in my entire life. And as we all know…my life hasn't been void of scary things. ha

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

*Greater Plan*

There's just something about a thunderstorm…

I'm nestled up in for the night in my cozy room at my brother's house. I've basically been a nomad this summer traveling from free bed to free bed and I've made it back here for now. I'll be moving to my newest place soon that I will call home forever. I'm ready to find a new normal…whatever that might be. I actually have no idea.

The word nomad originally refers to people who traveled from one pasture to another which is completely true for me these days. The road between my city now and my new city is FULL of pastures. Pretty ones…creepy ones…redneck ones…flat ones. My new life is a very flat one, actually…but a really beautiful flat one with the man of my dreams.

Brian is painting the baseboards of our house white today and it's looking great. I'm not gonna lie..it's kind of nice to be the one typing on the computer while he gets it done there. He's so good at getting things done. He would be that mountain man in the olden days building our house and killing dinner every night without a problem. I can picture him easily with an axe and mule which is good because you never know when the end of the world is coming…choose your mate wisely.

Today is exactly a year from my first day of work and the day Samuel was born. It's made me really think through this past year and it amazes me how much I've been through and what all has changed. If I would've told myself last year that I would be here today…I wouldn't of believed it. But I know I would be extremely happy and would've had a hard time waiting for this time to get here! I guess it's good that God only shows us certain things at a time.

I am starting to see even more the bigger picture in my life and that God truly is working everything for my good. He sees such a different view of our lives than we do, and I wish I could just learn to trust Him because He ALWAYS comes through. I just forget that so easily, ya know? It's easy to forget that when things are unsure. It was easy to forget that on the countless nights I seriously thought I was doomed to be a crazy cat lady. I wasn't happy with God's plan then because I just couldn't see outside my life at that point. But God saw something greater…something bigger…something worth waiting for.

I am so thankful God brought Brian to me because he is exactly what I need in a husband. I trust him with all my heart and he sets such a good example for me in the way he lives his life. I respect him so much and stand behind him 100% and never doubt where his heart is. It's clear that the Holy Spirit lives inside him because it radiates through him. He's so sweet and works so hard and is a provider I can rely on. He's hilarious and is always ready to have fun and has the same sense of humor as me. He is so easy to talk to and you can't freak him out for anything. He literally knows everything about me that I remembered to tell and still loves me! I never have to be afraid to say things and he always makes me feel special. He's super strong and can pick up anything..he's like on Chuck Norris status from what I've seen. He's not afraid of emotion and has a steady way about him that makes me feel safe. He has a very smart brain that amazes me everyday…like he is a prodigy or something. He's a human calculator, I kid you not! He's the kind of guy that comes along and heals all the pain from the past…like it never even happened. He is the most forgiving and pleasant person I have ever met. He's just really a happy guy and it takes like a tsunami crashing into his house to bring him down….but then again… I could still see him positive on a day like that, too. He's just a glass half full type of person. He has high standards and morals that I honestly don't see very often at all and He's the type of man that is completely worth waiting for! He's the type of man that comes once in a lifetime and he's perfectly made for me. (He also smells good which is a bonus!)

I am so glad God didn't allow me to settle in life…I am so glad that He broke up any of my plans that weren't God's best for me. I am so glad God didn't answer a lot of my prayers the way I thought He should in many years past. I am so glad that He held onto the greater story and the greater good…because that's why I am where I am today.