Thursday, December 19, 2013

*Three Months Later*

On a rainy September morning just a few days before Beau was born, I sat in the car listening to the wipers go back and forth in front of the hospital and wrote these words:

"In only a few short days I'll be in the hospital that stands before me right now meeting my son for the first time. It's so surreal to even be saying those words right now. So many emotions wash over me from excitement, joy, and anticipation to fear, anxiety, and apprehension. There's so much unknown with what's about to happen and the pain and weeks to come really scare me. I can't even fathom what a love like that will feel like. It's so good to be reminded that it's God's plan for me to be a mom and that He will be present with me along the way. God, thank you for reminding me that you know my shortcomings, yet decided to entrust me with this precious soul of Yours. He is even more Your child than he is mine and I'm so thankful that You the most perfect parent are here to help us along the way. Please come and be the parent to your baby with me and show me how to be what he needs."

It's crazy to think just how different the person is writing right now than the person who was writing then. Nothing in my life has ever changed me like becoming a mother has. I had so much unknown, fear, and uncertainties flowing through me then that have all but disappeared by now. It's hard to imagine what life will be like and how you will handle it when you don't KNOW that child yet.

God REALLY answered my prayer and has been with me every step of the way. The first few weeks weren't that bad because I was on many, many meds, but week 5-8 were extremely hard. That's when the narcotics faded and the help left. God helped me through those weeks and got me through them by His strength alone and it truly brought us closer. I couldn't of done it without Him. Those weeks are important though because it brings the bond between a mother and baby closer. Anything you sacrifice so much for becomes even more important to you.

After that things got so much easier, and now things don't feel hard at all. (Unless his routine is thrown off, then it's all another story! haha Prayers appreciate for Christmas week!!!) I have gotten up every single night for three months now and have survived! I have figured out so much that I didn't think I'd be able to and it's amazing how much more naturally this life fits me than I even thought.

Every time I look at my son and he is just staring at me with loving eyes, I know that there's no other job I'd rather be doing. I am extremely thankful to my husband for understanding and being behind me when I said being a stay at home mom was important to me. I am so thankful that I get to spend every day with my baby because one day he will have a whole new life and dear old mom won't be his number one favorite thing like I am now.

I mean...I am literally his favorite thing of all time. When I'm cheering for him in the stands when he's in fifth grade or waving at him obnoxiously in the school parking lot, it may not be the same. Brian is already telling me I have to tone it down for the poor fella. I love to cheer on people...I'll really have to restrain.

But not Beau loves for me to cheer him on and thinks I'm the coolest person ever. He also thinks I'm one of the only people on this planet. He thinks life is all about ME and I'm okay with that. He doesn't know any different and I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

I think way too far ahead so I find myself being sad over the fact that I won't get to spend all my time with him because one day that would be considered crazy. I can't stalk him at college or make him stay home with me forever. But for now...for now he's here. And mom says by the time I need to let him go, It'll be okay because I'll be tired of parenting anyway.

I hope she's right.

My thoughts on parenting three months in as you all probably know from my insane amount of pictures and chatter is that it is AMAZING. And much, much, MUCH easier than I originally thought. I think I'll probably have my kids far apart so I can keep saying that statement, haha. It's probably like's easy to just throw up and catch one ball but when you add more to the mix, I bet it gets pretty tough. One baby is not bad at all, though. In's a truly wonderful life.

Monday, December 16, 2013

*Let's Talk Body Image*

There's a fancy looking cup in my kitchen that I always thought was extremely valuable.

I keep it in a safe place on the shelf and barely use it because I'm afraid I'll break it. I've held it in such high esteem thinking that it's a costly item that cannot be replaced.

Well, two days ago I went to the grocery store and got a bottle of sparkling red grape juice. (That's about as crazy as we get around here.) I decided to get down the glass just for fun and poured Brian one, too. I went in for an over the top cheesy "clinking" of the cups only to hear a very different sound than I was expecting. "Are these...plastic???" Brian said looking at me with disbelief. We clinked again and then again just to make sure. It WAS plastic. A very thick and good looking plastic in my defense.

I think sometimes we have things on our minds and in our lives that we treat like the cup in my kitchen. We hold it in such high esteem and make it so important when really it should be treated like what it truly is...plastic. And maybe we treat our true valuable things like they are paper cups without even realizing it at times.

For instance...many of us as women focus A LOT on body image. Even super skinny girls that I think would never think of it are constantly thinking about it. We treat this search for beauty as the most expensive glass cup in our kitchen when really it's just a plastic cup. It shouldn't be as important as we make it and I'm NOT talking about a healthy lifestyle. I think it's good to lose weight and try to be healthy and stay away from foods that aren't good for us. I'm talking about when it overtakes our minds and gets to a place it shouldn't. I'm talking about the search for perfection and when body image takes up more of our mind than God does. I'm talking about the moment when we think we are worth more if we weigh less.

I know I've been guilty of treating body image like the fake glass cup in my kitchen, like it's more valuable than it is. I let too many times in my life when boys would pick the skinnier girl than me affect my thinking too deeply. I would see even the good Christian guys only go for the bomb shells and that would really get me down. In those moments when I thought the only way to get attention was to be smaller, my thoughts about God became more like a paper cup.

I have learned a lot by my weight gain during pregnancy believe it or not. I learned that there are more important things in life like self sacrifice and a baby that are truly worth it. I have learned that before I got pregnant I focused entirely too much on how I looked and put it in a place that it shouldn't have been. I am working hard to get back to where I was and I truly believe in a healthy lifestyle and exercise, but it will all be meaningless if I make it TOO important again. It will put me in misery if I believe the lie that the better I look, the more people will accept me. If my reasoning for doing it is's meaningless. If it takes too much of my thought life and overshadows my thoughts about will be in vain.

I guess I just want all of you to stop judging yourselves because it's exhausting. And there's much more important things in life to focus your mind on. Besides, if your mind and heart aren't doing well and you start treating it as more valuable than it amount of weight loss or beauty product will ever be enough.

(BTW..the links in orange are NOT my doing...the internet is just making it a link.)

Monday, December 9, 2013

*My Winter Goal and Putty in Our Hands*

I have a confession to make….

I haven't been out of the house for eight days and it would've stayed that way with or without the snow.

Not only am I incapable of this thing called "Cabin Fever", but I have a goal this year that I plan to meet. My personality is not very motivated by goals according to personality books and well, my own everyday living but this time I'm really serious about it.

My goal is to NEVER get cold this entire winter.

Now, if you know me that well you know that I have not faired well in the frigid weather in the past. I've never been able to escape it because in elementary school I had to go to recess and my brother's football games. In high school the team was extremely good so I was still on the sidelines cheering in December. In college I had to walk to class or be heating up my frigid car in the parking lot at 7:00am after a long and windy hike. When I finally became an "adult" I was braving the elements in my nice clothes for recess and carpool duty. Not to mention, many times along the way I had incredibly scarring moments on the ski slope that I'm not even ready to talk about yet. Let's just use the word desperation to give you a feeling of how "fun" I think skiing is.

But this year…this year is DIFFERENT. This year my job IS at my house and I'm taking the term stay at home wife/mom to the next level! I will literally STAY AT HOME whenever possible!! I no longer have to face my enemy winter like I once did before…I even have a car that heats itself up before I leave which means I can close the door on that old way for now. The future will hold years where I will have to brave the elements again, but the goal for this year is to never get cold. Not once…not even for five minutes. Wish me luck.

I think I'll be able to do this for sure because I never get bored. I don't even know what that means…I may have my mom to thank for that one because when I was little if I would say: "Mom, I'm bored!" she would get this look in her eye and go: "Bored, huh? Ohhhh…I've got PLENTY of laundry for you to fold to cure that!" *Scared face*…I was so afraid of boredom.

I do think her tactic was pretty good and I will use many of her techniques for my own kids. It's funny, though…me and Brian talked about our different parenting ideas long before the baby was born and Beau is way more putty in our hands than we even thought. We had all these strong opinions about how not to spoil him etc. until we saw his face. The little prince just pooped on Brian's pillow because that's where he likes to be in the morning and who am I to say no to that face?! I am sooo hoping this whole not spoiling thing will work out when it's old enough to matter cause right now we just want to give him the world. Maybe it gets easier when they are old enough to learn the word NO and aren't just staring at you with chubby cheeks and sparkly eyes and a loving smile.

I remember a conversation when I was pregnant with Brian where he said very firmly a person should work hard for everything they get so when he's sixteen he will work for his car. I got my car from my parents so I'm more on the let's get him a car, but not a new/amazing one road. WELL…not two weeks after the baby was born I caught Brian talking to him saying: "And we're going to get you a lifted truck and a dirt bike and a four wheeler…" So much for that. Hoping we get a backbone by then cause it's important but oh my goooodnesssss that face just melts us.

Good thing you can't spoil a newborn as they say, let's just hope the terrible twos make this putty in our hands become a little more solid. We literally spent most of our snow days just staring at Beau laughing at everything he did. He is our very own play toy and we both talk about how surprised we are that we aren't yearning to get out more or wanting a babysitter. We don't want to give up any time with him!! We thought we'd feel a little trapped having 24/7 duty over a baby, but it's the opposite. It's our PRIVILEGE! There's no hope for us…this little boy has stolen every bit of our hearts!