My poppy asked me the other day when I was going to blog and I said very honestly: "I don't know, I've kinda had a mental block ever since Beau was born." My nana just laughed and clearly understood.
It's been 7 months since I've published, but there were some days I got a few words out and just erased it. In the weirdest way, I have a harder time writing about the times in life that are really good because I'm afraid that when I look back and read it, I'll miss it entirely too much. I LOVE this time of life. Being a wife to Brian and a mother to Beau FITS. I finally don't feel like the awkward what on earth am I doing in this thing called life and how am I the single twin graduating a year late and having so many awkward moments and why on earth am I mediocre at EVERYTHING?!
I actually LIKE being a mom and feel like I'm a good one. Even though I do so much in my parenting life that is not vogue, I confidently feel good about it. I don't need my mom style to fit some blog or book or organic google search. I am Abby and God thought Beau should be with me and so I better just be myself. Not all moms let their kid send their lunch plate down the slide in the middle of the living room and eat it at the bottom…and I feel good that I can do that. It's my way and I'm proud of it. I feel content and fulfilled being Brian's lady and Beau's mama. "Abby" as he calls me…we will have to figure out how to get that stopped when he's a little older and has more than five words.
When my blog was on fire, it was literally my THERAPY. I needed it. And looking back, I'm like "Good riddance to college and the hard years, buh BYE" Looking back, I don't mind that it's over. But if I write too much about my day to day life with now, I'm afraid I will just ache for it one day. I know that may be totally weird, but that's how I feel. Even right now I'm not exactly sure if I'm going to keep going with this or not, I feel like just pressing the close button right now. But I have gotten some great spiritual moments from God lately that are worth writing about. And that's something I for sure want to be able to go back and read.
God moments are ALWAYS worth writing about.
I have to admit, sometimes I use the bible like a magic 8 ball. If I've learned anything in my life so far, it's that God is better at making decisions for my life than I am so I really wish I could just open the bible and get very clear directions on what I should do. But the thing is…I think God doesn't always give me the clear answer because He's looking for something more than just directing me. His thoughts are different than mine. There is a much bigger picture than just getting ANSWERS.
My prayer life is a big indicator of where my mind is and I'm realizing that what I focus on are not the most important things to focus on. Like…I pray that I'll have the self control to resist wanting to eat chik fil a waffle fries all the time and that I'll please, please, PLEASE, PUH-LEASSSSE have a daughter next time because next time is the last shot! And when, oh when do we have the next baby? Timing? Can you just send a letter to my house and give me dates? Not really, but I do wish I just had an ANSWER.
When I opened my bible the other day, I got a major priority shift. I know He cares so much about even the tiniest things on my heart and I can pray about anything at all, even chik fil a fries, but I needed to hear some truth. In that moment, I needed to be reminded of what's more important than anything my eyes can see.
"Choose my teachings instead of silver. Choose knowledge rather than the finest gold. Wisdom is more precious than rubies. Nothing you want is equal to it." Proverbs 8:10
There is nothing I want that is equal to wisdom. This verse makes that really clear. I spend SO much of my time praying about what I WANT and not praying for what is much more valuable than anything else. That I would choose His teachings above all else and for wisdom that is more valuable than we can fathom. God wants so much more in our relationship than Him just being my magic 8 ball, vending machine, used mainly when I have nowhere else to go. Praying for wisdom can help me in so many ways, especially getting my mind right on what matters most.
He cares about the details of my heart and what I want and I will continue to pray about whatever is on my heart, but I want to start with praying for wisdom. Because if I don't get anything else I ask for, I know that when I ask for wisdom and don't doubt, the answer will always be YES. And the bible says that nothing I want is equal to it and so I believe that with all my heart.
If I'm not seeking wisdom, if I'm not choosing God's teachings above all else, then I won't be focused on the right thing. What does it matter if I get everything I ask for, if I'm not focused on what truly matters anyway?