Today I found myself amongst piles of clothes trying to figure out what fit Beau and what didn't anymore.
It never gets easy putting the clothes away that he'll never wear again. I have memories tied to so many of the outfits that might be lost if I pack them away. We are lucky we have so many good memories that I can't keep them all in my mind. These years of just me and Beau have been amazing and FULL. I can't help but be thankful.
I was pleasantly surprised by the feeling of being proud of myself, too. I felt proud that I've made it to yet another size up for my son and all the work it took to get there. I feel like moms give themselves way too much grief....when I'm proud of myself, I can be a better mom. Riddling myself with guilt never makes me better. Each mom has her strengths and they deserve to be noticed inside themselves.
We were created to do this, our kids were given to us for a purpose and it was no mistake that God gave our kids to US. I truly believe this verse has so much to do with being a mom:
"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 3:10
It's overwhelming to think about the much bigger picture this pregnancy means and being a mom to my boys day to day. The mundane days that seem like they may not matter add up to a much larger plan than we could ever imagine. It's days like today when I'm cleaning out a closet that it hits me.....all of these little things are adding up to something big.
I can't wait to see what the something big will be for both of my kids. I can't wait to start this next chapter of my life knowing TWO sons and pouring all I have to give into them. And even more than that, pouring all I have to give with the help of the Holy Spirit which is much more than I could do on my own.
Maybe that's why I can truly feel proud? I know it's not ME doing the good, but it's God. I know I'm not the one equipped with strength, but it's God who gives it to me. It's not all on me at all. And we are human, we CAN'T be perfect no matter how hard we try so why do we beat ourselves up when we aren't? Anything I do right is because of God and anything I do wrong is forgiven.
I can definitely breathe a sigh of relief and turn down the noise of today where everyone has the ONE RIGHT WAY to feed/birth/parent a baby and realize, my kids were given to me on purpose. It's okay if I don't do exactly what people think I should. I'm going to point my kids to God and because of that guilt has no place and the outside noise turns down. I can enjoy this first year knowing what a wonderful beginning to something big it'll be no matter how I choose to do it. Because God has a BIG plan and those tiny things don't matter nearly as much as we make them seem.
What truly matters is knowing God and making Him known. Seeking Him in those long nights and tired days because He is the source of life and truth and all I need.
And He is what my kids need most of all. He's SO much more than anything we can give them ourselves. He's part of the much much much bigger picture. Actually, He IS the bigger picture.