*Get Your Paws Off Me!*

I am about to head to Branson in a few minutes, and I have about five minutes to kill.

Yesterday at Senior Tequila I had this creepy waiter who would put his hand on my back every time he came by our table. The first time I literally jumped outta my seat, because it was outta nowhere, and freaked me out! I mean...nobody comes up and touches my back hardly at all. It's kind of a touch that a fiance would give his wife-to-be. Not a waiter/waitee relationship!I got to the point where I tried not to drink my drink, just so the creepstah wouldn't come and touch my back!!!! That is my back! Why was his hand on it?! YIKES!!!! So he did it again and when he left I turned to my friend and said"How do you say 'GET YOUR PAWS OFF ME' in espanol?!?!" lol Do I LOOK like a free for all?!?!?!

That is all. Goodbye for now.

*Not Afraid*

I used to be afraid. Afraid of almost everything in life, but I am hardly ever scared anymore. I know that most of the reason why I am not afraid is because I asked Jesus to put a hedge of protection around me. I have felt like a spiritual shield has been put up recently, and it has helped me so much! The girl I meet with every week prayed for the shield around me as well, and I can feel it working. I am just not very afraid. It is SO freeing! I can even spend the night alone at my house, and not have one single fear! Not even a skiddish moment! In fact, I like it when I stay home alone, because it is easier to sing loud to Jesus. I don't do that when people are home. I just played praise music as loud as I could and sang my heart out and got on my knees. You can't do that with other people in the house. And there's nothing like it.

Lately I have been so busy with life, and it kinda made me not notice the Lord as much during my days. A busy life can be a bad thing sometimes! It's harder to notice Jesus when life is just a whirlwind of people and places. Because of my busy life it had been like three days since I truly felt the Lord's presence in a real way. In my bathroom earlier I was putting my cold toes in warm water, and I just had this random, sudden sadness. I was so utterly alone in that room, and it cut deep. I was like "Jesus! I feel sad!!! I feel lonely!!! I am missing you!!!! " and the verse about him delighting in every detail of our lives came to mind. And I realized that Jesus delights in EVERY detail of my life. Even those random sad moments that make no sense at all and won't even matter tomorrow. He's there in every moment and cares more than I could ever imagine. I sat on the edge of my tub and stared saying "God, you care about even the little details of my life, don't you? These random seconds of sadness where I just cry out to you. These moments where I feel loneliest." ...then in my heart I heard these wonderful words in return: "Yes, more than you know." and I felt his presence in my knees like I always have since I was a little girl. What a nice, nice moment.

*Last Day*

Tomorrow is my last day of work and I can hardly believe it! I mean...these past 7 weeks have FLOWN by!!!! I have learned so much from it, and I am going to miss the kids like crazy! And I am DEFINITELY going to miss working with Kristin!!! She keeps me laughing and smiling, and like her mama says...we are two peas in a pod! I'm sad to say good-bye to everyone! I'm not good at good-byes at all....

One thing I've learned in life is that the only thing that never changes is that things are going to change. Life is all about changing and seasons...and I am really having to get that through my head. I like SAMENESS....change scares me so bad! But now I am learning to embrace it. And it is so hard to say good-bye to parts of my life, but I can rest in the fact that each new part will have it's own set of joys! The Lord has always been faithful and sent the right friends at the right time. Even if they are only in my life for a short amount of time. Each season will bring new people, and each season people will leave. And you know what? That's okay. It used to terrify me, and I'd freak out about it....but I have come to realize that the only thing I can't live without is my Jesus, and luckily He will never leave me! He is the only sameness I will ever have. And that's the only sameness I need! :)

Falling Into Place

"Falling Into Place" by The Afters
It was raining on the sun
The ground beneath my feet was crumbling
Day and night had come undone
It was the season of my wandering

Somehow Somewhere
You found me there
It was the moment that it all became clear

I was on the edge
Of a distant world
A shattered life
With no where left to turn
Till I saw You there
And everything I thought had gone to waste
Was falling into place

It's finally quiet in my head
As I lay the pieces at Your feet
It's finally starting to make sense
I guess I found the missing part of me

Oceans that I almost drowned in
I had to lose it all
Just so I could find out you were there to break my fall

*Exhausted!*

I am so tired right now! It is 6:30 pm and I'm writing this blog to try and keep myself awake, but I don't think it's gonna happen!!!! I might just be going to bed now, and waking up in the middle of the night! It's a good thing to be so tired from an amazing weekend, though. It is definitely catching up to me! I need SLEEP!!!!!!

Sometimes I wonder why I am so afraid when I serve such a powerful God. I feel like I am the one who would ask to walk on water, then look at the waves crashing around and sink. Jesus would have to ask me why I had such little faith...why I didn't trust Him. I know in my head that Jesus is more than trustworthy, now I just have to get it into my heart. My head and heart are usually opposites. My feelings contradict a lot of the things I know to be true. That's why I don't rely on my feelings to make decisions or evaluate a situation. Because when I rely on my feelings I just become a crazy mess of worry. All I know is.... I need to cease striving and know that He is God.

*Whispers on the Sidewalk*

This weekend was an amazing weekend, and the Lord spoke to me on a number of occasions which always gets me excited! I love hearing from Him, and the peace that He gives me. I know that there is never going to be a time in my life when He's not trying to teach me something. I love that....my life is going to be a journey of learning. And right now I'm learning a few things at once, but one main thing is working hard at being at peace with others. I have been WAY too selfish in my life, and it's time for me to become someone who truly understand the word love. I want to see people through the Lord's eyes and be a positive part in the lives of whomever God chooses. I want to be a grace giver and an encourager to those around me...I want a heart for others. And I am going to work hard at it....and if you see me not doing it, please tell me to get back on track! Because my human nature kicks in pretty quick at times. I am marking out a straight path for me, because the Lord has called me to it. I don't want to get sidetracked so I'm going to make out a list of my straight path. And it's probably going to take a few weeks to see exactly what path God has for me is. And obviously there will always be more to add as I mature in my faith. But I need some concrete path guidelines to follow! And there are parts of every detail of my life that needs to stick to that path. Part of the path is forgiveness and kindness no matter what happens.....working hard at showing love and not being so selfish....giving my love life completely to the Lord and striving for purity in the FAR future when the Lord decides it's the right time....and so many more, but I haven't mapped it all out yet. I'm also writing down situations like: If this happens, then I'll react like this...so I can be ready to react to things the way Jesus would want me to. Because when I'm surprised by things it never goes over well. So I'll make myself ready!

Now to the part that explains why this is titled "Whispers on the Sidewalk"....Me and some friends were running around the new dorms, and for some reason I got lost from the rest of the group, and that general area is just creepy when nobody is with you. So I was getting kind of scared and decided to go sit on the newly paved sidewalk while I watched the buildings to see if I could find anybody. I'd see a light turn on and off here and there, but there was no way to find them. So I just sat there and began thinking and praying about the upcoming school year. Painful memories from last year that caused my stomach to ache would flash through my mind every once in a while and I just began praying through them. I have flashes of bad memories every once in a while, but when I was actually at the location they happened, they came more frequently. And as I was praying about the memories and the fears about next year, I felt the Lord and heard Him whisper to my heart "I'm going to take care of you. Stop worrying my anxious Abby." I just had this peace come over me, and I knew right then that the Lord has some great things in store. And I don't need to worry, because He is going to work things out for me. And I know He sees my heart and how much I truly want to do what's right. Even if it's not what I think it should be, the Lord will work things together for my good. Whatever brings greater glory to Jesus is what I want. Even if it's not what I feel I want. Does that make sense? He is already working for my good in so many ways, and I can't thank Him enough! He will give me what I need if I make the Kingdom of Heaven my primary concern. And that is definitely what my heart's desire is now. I can't say it has ever been like this before.....but it is now. And I am so thankful for that, too. My eyes were opened to what shallow Christianity I had before, and I never want to go back.

*Itunes Night*

I am up much later than I should be, because I am putting on all my cds on itunes. It has taken me two nights in a row, and I am ALMOST done. I have so many songs, and I can't wait to get everything working so that I will have the best play list in the entire world! I have never been into the whole ipod thing, but we listen to ipods all the time in the fourth grade classroom, and it has made me want one so bad! SO I am now jumping on the ipod train...a bit late.

I just finished reading Redemption while doing my CD's and let me tell you...that book was GOOD!!!!!!!!!!! I am very happy that there are 14 in the series, because to say I am left wanting more does not cover my emotions. I can't wait to start the next book tomorrow!!!!!

I have been really great lately! I am VERY thankful to the Lord for that!!!! I owe everything to Him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) I am actually celebrating something very important tomorrow...a mile stone if you will!!!! A goal that I have been trying to make has finally come to pass! I am so proud of myself, but I couldn't of done it without the help of the Lord!!!!!He has shown Himself faithful in so many ways, and I know that His grace is sufficient for me no matter what comes my way in this life. I am loving my life right now so much! This has been such a wonderful summer!!!!! And I have nothing but hope for my future! This year at school will be great, and I have a lot more of the summer to enjoy!!!!!

I am done working next Friday! AH! I can't believe it!!!! I am going to miss it so much!!!!!!

*Happy Thursday!*

I could listen to Taylor Swift all day long. I just love her! There is not a song I don't like, and there is not a song that I have gotten tired of yet.

Summers go by really slow if you ask me! And it's really strange, because when I'm at school I feel like that's all that matters and life back home is just a blur. And now that I am home, I feel like I've never been to College at all! Like it is just a far off dream. I feel like this is all that matters and College is just a blur. When I graduate, I bet it will feel like it all went by in a blink of an eye, with only a few memories left to remind me that I went. I can only tell like four memories or so from each year of school, and everything else just like fades away. I have plenty of pictures to remind me what has happened in the past three years, though. But I never go back and look...it always weirds me out and makes me think too in depth about things that don't really matter anymore. So much as happened, but I can't really remember what....haha....life is weird like that. It's so fast and so slow at the same time. I wonder if I will even remember this day next year. I don't even remember what classes I took fall semester of last year. And at the time it seemed like I was in those classes ALL the time. Whatever classes they were. But now they have just faded.

Gotta go get ready for work...HAPPY THURSDAY!!!! :)

"All Along" by Remedy Drive

It’s not everything it seems - the world and its dreams
Slipping like water through my hands tonight
All the things I thought would fill me up inside
Left me empty here - and now I know why

All along I was looking for something else
You’re something else
All along I was looking for something more
You’re so much more
I finally found what I could never see before
You’ve always been the one that I was looking for

All of my castles in the sand - washed away again
And I'm left back where I began tonight
The only thing that can ever fill me up
Has been right in front of me all the time

I won't miss you - I won't miss you this time
I say I want you - yeah I want you in my life

*Grandma!*

So..I am officially on a grandma level when it comes to bed time. Last night I wanted to stay up, but I seriously COULD NOT stay awake past nine thirty!!!! I was like....it just got dark...and I can't stay awake! I am a grandma!!!! The youngsters are just waking up, while I go to bed. In fact, I am about to go to bed in a minute, and I am pushing it. I feel like writing this at 9:43pm is going to make me late for bed. I have many things I could be doing if I stayed up late, but I choose to go to bed instead. It makes my days SO much better! I NEED my sleep! Without it I am worthless, and quite the grumpy girl. But with it...I am my best. One girl in my class called me her hero, and I can guarantee she would NOT be saying that if I stayed up late the night before. My mom used to put us to bed at 6:30pm and we'd watch the neighborhood kids ride their bikes outside our window. But through that I learned to sleep a lot, and that has stayed with me all my life. Some people can have like five or six or seven hours of sleep and survive. Well...NOT ME!!!! I think I had something I wanted to talk about on here, but now I have forgotten what it was. And I'm kinda getting sleepy talking about sleep. What on earth was it that I wanted to talk about???? I don't just blog for no reason most of the time. Even if it does seem like the reasons aren't big...hmmmm....oh gosh...my brain is like spaced out. I just had a deshavue! I just spelled that so wrong. And I just took four spoonfuls of some cough medicine that is kinda making the room shake. But my nose is so stuffed up I can hardly smell! I took Zicam even though it was recalled, because it took peoples smell away. Well I can't really smell very well right now, so I am kinda wondering if it will come back. I am a hypocondriac I think. Okay, bye!

*Good Days!*

So...I have been really great lately! I am seriously having so many good days in a row, and finally moving past everything. That whole "it takes half of the time you dated" thing is SO true!!!! And now I am just super excited about my life right now, and I know that this next year at school is going to be AMAZING!!!!! I am hoping that a transfer group will be put together for WOW, because I want to make the transfers feel as welcome as possible! It's hard coming in halfway through! And most transfers have a story as to why they moved, so it might be a time where they need help even more. I know I had a story. A big one. And I'm just at a point in my life where I am able to deal with all that happened at Tech. I am finally becoming myself again, and it was only recently that I realized how much of myself I had lost. I had become someone I didn't even recognize. It feels good to have my confidence back. :) Because I have my confidence back, I know this school year is going to be ten times better than the last! Because I am not afraid to make friends, and I am not going to settle for something less than what I am looking for just because I am insecure and want a place to belong. In fact, I have decided not to date anybody this year, just to make sure that doesn't happen! I'm going to take care of my heart, and give the Lord full reign!!! Looking back...I totally got myself into the mess that has been my life recently. But now the mess is starting to be swept away, and everything is falling into place. I am really happy....and such a different person. I know this year is going to be absolutely amazing!!!!!!! I am so excited!!!!!!!!

So yesterday before school I read this in my bible:

And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward." Matt 10:42

And then it was really funny, because I got to school and this little girl came and said "Can I have one of your cups?". These children have been stealing my cups for a while now...I brought a lot of orange cups to school to use for an experiment, but now I use them for my 50 cent coke. SO I was like "No" and then the verse popped in my head and I was like "YES!!! I MEAN YES!!!!! TAKE MY CUP!!!!! PUT WATER IN IT!!!! HAVE A CUP OF WATER!" hahahaha! She looked at me like I was crazy! Then another kid asked if they could have my water bottle...and I usually would say no, because it's MY water bottle! But I was like "YES!!! TAKE IT!!!" haha...I hope they don't start to take advantage of my water giving...but maybe that's a good thing. But I won't get reward for those considering I'm telling about it....but it's still funny, because I take the word seriously! My conscience like took over, and now my cups are gone. But that's okay :) lol...Gotta get ready for work...bye!

*Oh, wow...it's EARLY!*

I am up at the crack of dawn, because I was woken up by a crazy spider dream, and I can't go back to sleep. I feel really happy for some reason...this time of day might be good for me. I haven't seen 6am in years!!!! I had no idea that things happened before 9:30!!!! This is basically in the middle of the night for me!!!!

Last night I got a call from one of my kids from school and she gave me a voicemail thanking me...and you'll never guess why! She thanked me for praying for her, because she said my prayers work better than anyones!!!! HAHA! It made me laugh so hard!!! She is going through something in her life and really needs comfort, and so she had me pray for her a day last week, and a day this week. She says that the days I pray for her are the best days she has had, and that I must be doing something special. Some other girl in the class said "I'll pray for you!" and she said : "No! Miss Abby's really work!!!!!" HAHA!!!! What a cutie! And I am definitely thankful that the Lord has answered my prayers for her considering I was really worried about her! I have no idea if she is a Christian or not, but it's nice that she asked me to pray for her. I am thinking no considering she thinks only my prayers are heard by God..which is definitely NOT the case. But it does make me laugh that she would see it that way. I don't talk about God first with the kids, but if they become interested I am definitely not going to ignore their questions. Especially when I know God in a way that gives me absolutely no doubt about Him. How could I ignore questions to be politically correct if eternal life is at stake?! And this little girl is starting to have questions. I told her Jesus was with her in the lonely nights, and she said when I prayed for her, she could feel Him there. How awesome is that?!?!

Jesus shows up when we ask Him to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can always count on Him! :)

*Called Out!*

So for the most part I have a trusting attitude towards the Lord, but there are also times where I am just extremely confused and let my foolish human brain take over. Kinda like last night. Let me explain....

Last night I was talking to God and myself out loud saying: "I just don't get it! I don't get it at all! I thought you were the God of justice...and there is no justice in sight. What about what you told me a few months ago? I know you said it won't come till I'm okay with it not coming...but will I ever get to that point?! I've been so hurt, it's so very hard. I wish I didn't care. The injustice is killing me. I hate how I'm punished in my life for things, but people who wrong me are not. Lord, I am getting tired, so very tired. Why do some people get away with things and other people do not? Why do people do such cruel things and you seem to reward them for it? I'm having a hard time trusting you tonight. I know I sound so foolish, but that's how I feel right now."
Then I opened up my bible and it fell onto the book of Malachi. Malachi 2:17 to be exact. And here's what it said:
You have wearied the LORD with your words.
"How have we wearied him?" you ask.
By saying, "All who do evil are good in the eyes of the LORD, and he is pleased with them" or "Where is the God of justice?"

Um wow...My eyes were about to pop out of my head while reading this!!!! Could that of been anymore clear?! Anymore blunt?!?! Anymore perfect for that moment?!!! Suddenly I felt bad for what I had said. Wearying the Lord is definitely not what I want to do. But I am so foolish sometimes. I didn't say the next part out loud, but in my head I was thinking to myself how I have been giving everything to the Lord and I still hurt! And it seems like cruel people get to live fluffy little lives with no pay-up!!! Ya, God is forgiving....but He is just as well! And he disciplines us for our own good and we reap what we sow! Part of free will is having to deal with our decisions. Forgiving is the blood of the Lamb taking the sacrifice for our sins so we can live in eternity. And, yes, the Lord never handles us how we deserve. We deserve death every single day. We are never dealt with the way we should be. But it doesn't mean we can abuse grace and get away with sin. God knows our hearts...He knows when we abuse grace. I definitely know that the Lord was listening to my thoughts because then I turned the page and read Malachi 3:13-15 which says:
"You have said harsh things against me," says the LORD.
"Yet you ask, 'What have we said against you?'
"You have said, 'It is futile to serve God. What did we gain by carrying out his requirements and going about like mourners before the LORD Almighty? ¹⁵ But now we call the arrogant blessed. Certainly the evildoers prosper, and even those who challenge God escape.' "

Talk about me feeling like inserting my foot into my mouth. I felt so bad and quickly apologized for the horrible ways I'd been thinking. Harsh thoughts against the Lord. He called them HARSH! Ah!!!! I was harsh against God! :(!!! My sweet, precious God!!!!! The One who has been beside me all along, and makes Himself close to me even when I'm thinking like an utter fool. That presence that is with me through my days and nights...making Himself known along the way.The verses after that one gave hope to the people who do follow the Lord. I need to trust the Lord and His plan. Serving the Lord is NEVER for nothing. All my efforts will be blessed one day, even if it is far off from now. And the Lord definitely blesses me each day more than I can explain. Which is so kind of Him considering I sometimes act like an immature brat and spit in His face in a sense. OH...man.....He is very merciful to me. And I am very thankful for that. I am also thankful that He speaks to me with no questions as to what He means. I mean, with those verses there is pretty much no interpretation. I was pretty much called out.

After I had read those verses I suddenly felt that familiar presence I have come so accustomed to lately ...I knew it was Him so I said:"I am so horrible! I said harsh things against you and wearied you!!!" and in return that still, small voice answered: "But I love you anyway." An unexplainable peace came over me.... and then I went to sleep :)

*I love them!*

With each day that passes I start to love the children in my fourth grade class more and more. I had no idea on the first day that my heart was going to be given away to so many people. There I was, trying to keep my heart to myself, and a couple of nine year olds came and stole it away! :)

Today I turned to a little boy who was giving me puppy dog eyes cause he wanted to draw instead of read, and I was like "Look at your hands..my heart is pretty much sitting there..this is unfair!!!!Okay...you can draw!"...But I made him read some, too. Gotta stay on target. I have recently developed such a love for this particular student. And the funny thing is, he is one of the more rebellious kids. He is a master at finding trouble. But something that I have learned is that the kids that get into the most trouble are more than likely the kids that need the most love. So I gave more effort to getting to know him, and I've realized that a little love goes a long way. This kid who used to be a thorn in my side has suddenly become someone I deeply care for. And it turns out his family background is extremely harsh...and all of it makes perfect sense.

I truly believe that no kid was put in my classroom by mistake. We were put together this summer for a reason. Some of the reasons I have already figured out...and some I have yet to understand. But I know that the Lord has a plan for me and each child in the room, and I am very thankful that our lives have crossed...even if only for a time. I love these kids,I really do. One little girl was crying cause she was having a hard time, and I cried on my way home for her! I cried because I didn't want her to hurt like that. I felt her pain, because I love her. Love is hard sometimes. But it's so worth it.