Sunday, May 18, 2014

*Tears at a Coffee Stand*

"BRIAN!!!" I yelled louder and more dramatic than I ever meant to as everyone stopped what they were doing to stare.

He walked over with an amused smile trying not to laugh as I filled my coffee with hazelnut creamer. "I don't think I can do this!" I said with desperation and a tear in my eye, "You don't understand!!! I CANNOT do this!"

"Yes, you can." he said trying hard to make me feel like he was taking me seriously. "He will be FINE." He pointed me in the right direction so we could sit down before the service started. I had this overwhelming and unstoppable wave come over me…that wave of needing to cry and not having any capability to stop it. "Brian, I am seriously losing it here! I am about to cry, I am about to cry!!!" "Just focus on the screen…you CAN make it." "You're right..I'll just look like I'm really moved by this song." I kept checking his phone every five minutes just to make sure everything really WAS okay.

Now, I know this shouldn't be this dramatic of a moment in life, but for me it WAS. I promise you, motherhood makes people absolutely crazy. The reason I was freaking out is that I finally bit the bullet and sent Beau to the church nursery this morning and it was NOT easy. I had so many reasons before now that I could use in my mind not to send him: "It's flu season and he hasn't had a shot","He freaks out when I'm not around, I don't want him to fuss for the teacher the entire time", "I can just take him to the video church with me, no problem", "He's too little","Nobody can take care of him like I can","He seems tired","It's crawling with germs in there"!!!

I kinda ran out of reasons now that it's summer and his flu shot has come and gone and he's gotten completely social with strangers. He really is too big to take to video church because now that he's moving, sitting in his seat does not cut it anymore. Plus he scream talks really loud at the most inopportune times like when there's a song about death or something extremely serious. It just really ruins the mood for everyone. And, he REALLY likes people and wants to be in big groups. I knew in my heart of hearts that he was ready. I just didn't know if I was.

"Beau, it's going to be JUST fine." I said to him as he smiled at me bouncing in his bouncy chair while I wrote his name on everything in his diaper bag with a sharpie. I stared at his cute little face and realized that I needed to let go even though I didn't want to. I needed to trust that God would take care of him even when I wasn't around. I was really telling myself it would be fine more than anything. I KNOW that Beau is more God's than mine, and part of acting on that is making myself do things like sending him to the nursery and giving him up for even a short time.

Maybe that's why it felt so big to me. Maybe it wasn't even about the nursery. Maybe it's the fact that one day the feeling I had of just being a normal adult sitting in church without a baby is going to be every Sunday. And, honestly? I don't want to go back to being a normal adult. But I HAVE to do what's best for Beau and in this case, that was sending him to the nursery.

Of course he LOVED it. I came to pick him up and he was in a circle with eight other babies laughing and kicking his feet. Some sitting, some on their stomachs, some bouncing in a chair. Beau had his chubby little arm trying to grab a baby just out of reach. His teacher picked him up and brought him to us and he was absolutely glowing with excitement from being around all his new friends.

He is SO energized by people, it cracks me up. He kept hollering, laughing, and trying to touch everybody on the way out. I mean, this baby crowd was good for him and I love to see him that excited.

That made it worth it. That will make every single time I have to let go worth it. Because no boy dreams of spending their lives with their moms all the time no matter how much we wish that were the case, haha. I know that everyday that I hold him now, I'm just teaching him how to love well and hold his family later. It's not about me.

I know the lesson of letting go isn't easy and takes lots of time. I think of the parents with graduates this month and how they have to feel that same feeling only on a much larger scale.  It's not easy, but it's right. We are teaching our kids how to go and be their own people and be independent. We are reminding ourselves that they are God's and He is the Parent that goes everywhere with them no matter what. Even when we can't.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

*Life Under Construction*

Times like these make you realize the difference between you and your spouse. For example: Brian thinks that a house should be packed up two weeks prior to a closing date, when I am the queen of bringing out something glorious in the final moments. While watching "The Voice" last night Brian asked: "Hey, do you think we can get Beau's room packed up by the end of the week?"


The end of THIS week? As in, a week prior to when my amazing genius juice of last minute starts flowing? What could he possibly be speaking of? Before I could answer him, he already took all the decorations off the living room wall, put together four boxes, and pulled everything from the guest closet like the energizer bunny. "Sit down…REST", I said extremely confused. "I took off work today to drive back, I HAVE to get something productive done."

The other day he looked at Beau playing and said: "That baby has more equity in toys than any kid I know!" That statement says a lot about who he is and a lot about who I am. His wheels are always turning about business and assets and planning for the future/being productive, while I'm thinking about how to make Beau's play life more fun. 

In a marriage book about personalities and how it effects relationships, he is motivated by achieving goals and I'm motivated by fun and achieving goals does nothing for me. Apparently our personality types work the best together and have the least amount of work when it comes to coexisting which is funny because we are so different, but it real does work somehow. 

We decided to compromise and do it halfway in between, but I think I'll just pack it up early because he has enough to worry about as it is. If it makes him feel that much better, why not? I appreciate that he's so motivated and I wish he could give some of the juice to me!!! That would be really nice. I don't know how someone can live such a productive life, but I'm thankful my husband is that way. Even though it's very different than the way I think, it benefits me in so many ways.

We are truly under construction in every sense these days. Not only are we building a house, but Brian is building an office building as well. Everything that our future holds is just grass and dirt and a thought right now. It'll be interesting to see the changes this year both in our physical lives and inner lives as well. I have so many things I want to build on in my heart that God has already started a foundation for. I know that my inner "house" won't be completely built until I'm in Heaven, but the work done on it is important none the less. 

I know each phase of life brings opportunities to experience God in new ways and learn more and become a better person because of it. I'm hoping this transition time is a transition of the heart as well. I feel like I've been knocking on a spiritual ceiling for a while now, and I'm ready to break out and see what's on the other side. Moving here and experiencing the isolation that I have has been really good for me because it's forced me to think about spiritual things that I didn't have to think about before. Lots of times when God is teaching me something, my human mind can only fathom so much of it at a time. That's what I mean by banging on a ceiling…it's like I only see half of what He's trying to say, and when the rest is finally taken in and understood, I'll break free and move on to a new and beautiful place.

I still have a lot of construction to do when it comes to building my new life here, too. I am ready to stop wrestling with God about why He couldn't just bring the love of my life and my sweet baby to MY life in another state. But the thing is…He has me here. That is not MY life anymore and I have to stop fighting that if I want to grow here and build the life I'm supposed to. I have to stop thinking like that because it shadows out the incredible blessings that I've been given here that I absolutely don't deserve. Even though God has moved me from a lot of the things I held on to so tightly, He has given me more than He has taken away and any other thought than that is just not seeing it correctly. He has chosen to shower me with gifts and blessings and most of all His never ending, loving presence and friendship even though I throw fits at times about His plan.

It's taken a lot longer to make this place feel like home and I think it has a lot to do with my own fears and me fighting it. I know with all my heart that in ten years, I'll look back on this time and realize how much I was going in the right direction even if I couldn't see it. 

These days, so much of my life is just grass and dirt and a dream- completely under construction. But I know I'll see those dreams fulfilled in the right time and learn many much needed lessons along the way. I'm thankful for this journey ahead and like the old long haired Miley Cyrus who actually made sense would say: "It's the Climb", right?