I haven't blogged in some time, because I have been super busy with life. I have been going on trips and having things to do almost every single second. I welcome a time to just write down things that I have been thinking about lately. I have been shopping for school and gearing up for that new chapter in my life. I hope that my first senior year will be incredible. I say first, because there's going to be a second senior year as well, haha. If the first one doesn't work out, I'll have another go!
I am bittersweet about my return to school. On one hand I am super excited about the new year and possibilities. I want to get involved more than I did last year, and I already have a ton of friends that I'm ready to see more often. I have made new friends that I like, and I also miss my friends from last year and I am more than ready to see them! I am excited about the new freshman class, and want to make their transition to college as smooth as possible. My dorm is going to be amazing, and I just have a good feeling about this year.
On the other hand I am terrified. I am terrified about potential awkward moments, and of hurt that might creep up suddenly. I am terrified of the memories that come to mind when I go onto the campus. My heart broke numerous times, and the pain is hidden there. I don't want it to open back up. I am scared that I will end up in this ratrace in which I care more about what people are my friends and how many friends I have instead of focusing mainly on the Lord. I don't want to be in this frenzy to make myself feel like I am social enough. Someone told me I wasn't social enough, and from then on I've just been like crazed out trying to prove to myself that he was wrong. But it's getting so tiring, and I don't want to wear myself out. I don't want to have to try so hard to prove something anymore. I just need to trust God. He has always taken care of me and given me the friends I need at the right time. I'm scared. Scared silly. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want something bad to happen this year like it has happened every single year since I started college. I just want to stay in the warm/snuggly summer where everything seems right in the world. But...I can't. I can't run forever. The Lord will be with me through anything I may face, and I can breathe a sigh of relief when I think about that. Everything will be just fine.........
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