Yesterday was the first time I drove back to Oklahoma and felt like I was going HOME. This is a huge monumental step for me because until now it's felt like I've been dragged from my home every time I leave Arkansas and I'd feel upset for about three days after. I would like to give props to my incredible husband who has held me close during my many dramatic moments and sacrificed many tshirts to my tears while I wrestled with the new life change. He never made me feel crazy even if I was bawling about missing my favorite restaurants. It's taken nine months to get to this moment, but it feels really good. Yesterday was the first time I really let go and embraced that this is the place God has for me.
The nine month timeline is very interesting because it's close to the same timeline as pregnancy. Maybe it takes that many months to finally come to grips with a major life change? Just a thought I've had.
I think part of the reason I finally feel at home here is that the Lord has been really convicting me about my thought processes lately. It's so easy to imagine what my life would be like if my kids would grow up around my family and have all that access to grandparents and the lake house, the pool, and fun all the time. It's so easy to feel left out and look too far ahead and wonder what it will be like when my parents can't make it to all my kid's games or the time in life when my babies grow up and traveling won't be so easy. It takes no effort to get upset about the change in dynamics with friendships because I just don't have time in Arkansas to spend with the ones I used to spend all my time with. It's way too simple to picture something different than what God has clearly directed for my life and feel sad. And lately the Lord has shown me that entertaining thoughts of what could be is sin and brings no positive outcomes. He's shown me that the enemy uses these thoughts to direct my attention away from all the blessings God is showering on me.
Because God IS showering me with SO many blessings. He has given me a husband that has been better than I've ever dreamed and I am getting to become a mother earlier than I thought I would which is SUCH a relief. I seriously thought I would be the last person on earth to have a baby or just be a crazy cat lady, but that shows what I know. That shows how my thought processes can take me down roads I never even needed to go. OOOHHH if only you knew of the dramatic nights of my (what felt like) long, utterly dateless, single life. Some of y'all went through it with me on this blog, so maybe you do remember, haha. Our mind can be our worst enemy sometimes and Satan loves to use that!
So now that I've realized what a detriment to myself it is whenever I get upset over what COULD be, I stop myself and start to think about all the blessings that I have and of the hope of what will be in the future when I have made more of a home here. It has made my life a whole lot better and I wish I would've started thinking like this sooner! If we aren't on guard, the enemy will try to get us down even when our situation is as good as this life allows. He does not want us to be happy even if our dreams come true and will fight SO hard to get our minds on the wrong track.
Single years? Instead of embracing it and having fun and growing closer to God, Satan wants us to think we are not worthy of love and there is something wrong with us and that God clearly has a better plan for others than he does for us. He wants loneliness and comparison to eat us alive.
Finally found that one true love? Satan loves to use the wedding planning to bite you in the rear end and bring a little reality to the bliss. Oh…and he loves to make transition to a life together super complicated so that you get irritated about the strangest things. Like…where to put this certain picture on the wall suddenly becomes life or death. It's very weird.
Finally found that dream home? He loves to get you focused on the creatures that are after you in it or how long it takes for your family to get there.
Finally pregnant with your first baby? He will do whatever it takes to make you insecure and feel like a blimp/mack truck (*BEEP BEEP* she's backin up) and focus on that more than the miracle that is happening. And he tries to get you to focus on the fact that your body has never been more uncomfortable in it's entire life…anything to get your mind away from the blessing that pregnancy truly is. Though some people LOVE pregnancy, so congratulations. But I'm sure there's SOMETHING that gets those unicorns down, too. I don't know what because I can't relate but we are all human and our minds wander so easily. Comparison is another…it's so easy to get jealous of people who "Just feel carsick" or "Only grow a bump and not Michelin man it up" or "Just think pregnancy is SO beautiful and the BEST time in their life" while I'm sitting over here with a twitch from the toll. Comparison is KILLER.
Basically…I have been opened to the fact that whatever it is that God is doing for me that is GOOD, the enemy wants to focus my attention on something negative and allowing him to do that is a sin. I want to actively realize when my mind is being used against me to get me down and focus on the amazing things that God is doing. Nothing in this life comes without bumps in the road and that's just life, but we are not supposed to focus on those things and blow them up to be much bigger than the good. Because God is ALWAYS doing something good no matter what. It's in His nature. The bible says He works everything together for the good of those who love Him. Everyday, our lives and situations are working together for our benefit. Even when I'll be up all night with a newborn…God will be working. (Remind me of that, okay?! I'm thinking clearly now, but no promises then!)
When I stop myself from thinking negatively I am opened to a better relationship with Christ because I am looking at life in a better perspective and thankful for what God has done for me. I don't deserve any of the things He has given me over the years and still wonder how He could be on my team after my focus continually being taken off Him. I waver so easily, but He stays so strong.
It's time to take control over this battle of my thoughts and start thinking in the right direction that is constructive and brings me closer to the Lord. Even if it takes some trial and error, He is there to listen to me even if my thoughts and emotions make no sense at all. He's there to help me sort it out no matter how long it takes and His patience never ceases to amaze me.
And the fact that He chose ME to be Brian's wife and the mom to Beau still leaves me in awe. It shows that He is going to use His power to work through me because I know I can't do it alone. These boys deserve so much more than anything I can give on my own. It's good to know how perfect God's love is for them, because that's what I want for my family and they already have it no matter how many times I fail.
How can I not just stand in thankfulness? How can I even let me mind go anywhere else?? God has been SO good to me and He is with my baby loving him and taking care of him already. As a mom it is such a relief to know the creator of the universe is overseeing every little hair that grows and little fat roll that forms. He knows my child more intimately than I ever will and for that I am so thankful. My hope for Beau is that above all else he finds his worth and acceptance in Jesus Christ. That he finds that relationship with God early in life and can hear his voice above anything else. That he finds a girl who loves him as much as I love Brian and that we will be the kind of parents that raise him to love his wife like my husband loves me. Parents play such a HUGE role in who that person will be to their future family. A HUGE one. Thankfully, the Lord is here to help us. :)
What a good, good God I have who is here with me right now as I type this. What a perfect plan He has for me and my children here in Oklahoma….an even better one than I could ever come up with. And I can't wait to see how it all unfolds.