*Relief*

I was woken up by the Lord tonight and at just the right time. Not only did I really need a word from the Lord, but I was also in the middle of a Deadliest Catch nightmare. I'm so glad to be awake at 3:42 am and not in Alaska on a Deadliest Catch boat in -49 degree weather. Me and Kate were both there and believe it or not….it was much worse than summer camp.

For the past few weeks I've been experiencing a major quarter life crisis. It's a crisis that nobody really prepares you for, because it's not really talked about. I think it's because people feel bad for having the quarter life crisis, like there's something wrong with them for feeling this way. I'm referring to the crisis that unexpectedly comes when you are coming to the end of your college career. You're trying to figure out where your life is going and realize things aren't how you thought they'd be. By now we've kinda all figured out that life is NOT like a box of chocolates, but more like a cool stream that we put our feet in only to be bitten by a large parana. Just when we feel secure and have life finally figured out…that little parana takes a bite out of our toe again and we feel like we don't know anything anymore. All of the optimists out there tell me life's a dance, you learn as you go….but dancing has always been fun to me. Life is not fun all the time. Let's just stop with saying all the right things for a minute and tell it like it is….every human being has times when life just feels BAD. Even when our life appears to be looking pretty good.

If you are looking for a cheesy cliche line that will make you feel good about life, that isn't coming today. I highly doubt you will ever hear anything like that from me. Cheesy lines about dreams and how life is like a wonderful day at the beach….not really my aim. My aim is to actually tell it like it is, not just make you feel good for two seconds of your life. I'm not here to make you believe everyone else but you feels like life is a box of chocolates. People feel like they are the only ones with hard times, because we upload all of our happy photos and freely throw out cute little quotes without actually talking about what's going on. We all give so much energy to make others feel like we have it together and are "LIVING,LAUGHING, and LOVING!" even when we don't always have it together. There are definitely times in life that ARE great and fun, but sometimes life IS hard. That is just a fact. But bare with me, because I am not bringing tidings of only negativity….there is HOPE by the end of all this.

Until tonight I haven't been able to freely talk to the Lord because I've felt very guilty for being in the funk I've been in lately. I feel like logically I have been very blessed and the Lord has given me more than I need. I feel kinda embarassed and wrong for admitting I feel this way. But emotionally, I'm discouraged and experiencing a taste of my quarter life crisis. I'm scared to be an adult, but I'm tired of being a child. I'm not sure at all what my life will look like and that is a scary feeling. My funk has not been pretty, but it's been there non-the-less. It's time I come to terms with the fact that my life may not look the way I was so sure it would look all those years growing up. I am on the edge of my adulthood and I will go into adulthood alone. I'm on the edge of adulthood and I feel more unsure than ever about my competencies. I figured once I was adult all my fear would just go away….adults seemed so brave, but I don't feel very brave. I feel scared to death!!! I'm glad I can't go back and tell my child self all this, cause I'd probably pass out from stress. I was supposed to be married two years ago and already have my first kid and be super awesome. I wanted my life to be just like my moms, but God has a different plan for us all. And no matter what someone's life looks like on the outside, we are all in a fallen world and have struggles of our own. Nobody gets outta this place without a little heartache. And if you are a drama queen like me…a little heartache can feel like an earthquake. That's one bad thing about having such a "passionate" personality. haha

My funk was much worse considering I was getting really tired of hiding the way I'm feeling and trying to say and do the right things even when I was praying. Again…my quarter life crisis is not really justified I don't think, because I am so blessed and therefore whining to God about it seemed wrong. That's what makes it even worse! I should be the happiest kid on the block! Or adult on the block….I really don't know what I am!!! See?! Identity crisis galore! Students think I'm an old lady, but old people think I'm a kid. Who am I? What am I? I am old to most college kids, but young to the people actually living in the real world. It's like a Junior high confused phase all over again!!!!

The good news is tonight I got some relief when I realized I was believing a lie about the Lord. I thought that He would be disappointed in me for feeling this way and want me to come to Him with only happy words because that's what He deserves. But no…He doesn't want to just hear my happy words. He wants to hear my heart…the good, the bad, the ugly. When I was woken up a few minutes ago, I felt like I was supposed to open this book I haven't even looked at in a long time. I opened it up randomly to these words:

"The One to whom we pray knows our feelings. He knows temptation. He has felt discouraged. He has been hungry and sleepy and tired. He knows what we feel like when the alarm clock goes off. He nods in understanding when we pray in anger. He is touched when we tell Him there is more to do than can be done. He wants us to confess our weariness. He, too, was human. He wants us to know that he, too, knew the drone of the humdrum and the weariness that comes with long days."

I felt so much relief after reading this…a relief I've been really needing to feel for a couple of weeks now. I felt the Holy Spirit so distinctly while I read and a lightbulb went off in my head about the lie I'd been believing. I'd been so scared to tell the Lord how I was truly feeling and been caught up in doing what I thought was the right thing. I felt I was supposed to just be "spiritual" and play the "God is enough so I should always be happy" card. The bible says that Jesus was a man of many sorrows….if we are always supposed to have it together and be full fledged excited about life, then why would Jesus of begged God to take away the day of His death if there was any way? Does that sound like He was completely gung ho with a smile on His face about God's will for Him??? Not really…sounds like He poured out His heart to the Lord and was discouraged hardcore. Crying out to the Lord didn't change God's plan, but it did show that we are able to talk to the Lord with our innermost thoughts and feelings. I think He'd rather have the realness of that than the holy words we are "supposed" to say. And Jesus was given the power He needed to do God's will. It wasn't always pretty and it wasn't always fun……but in the end it was DEFINITELY best I would say. We have an inheritance to the Kingdom of Heaven because of that plan for Jesus, and I know He'd agree it was worth it.

After I read that paragraph, I felt like the floodgates had finally opened and I just told the Lord how I truly felt. A few minutes later I had a realization that I hadn't had before…."Jesus, You were once my age on this earth weren't you? What was it like?" and I heard that small voice inside of me that had been drowned out by fear say very clearly: "It was hard." I couldn't help but smile….He's not up in Heaven looking down on my discouragement with anger, but with understanding. That wasn't it, though. Of course it wasn't! He is a God of hope. Do you know what He said next? "The power that helped me make it through my life of many sorrows is the same power available to you."

Relief. Relief that I'm not being judged for how I feel. Relief that I'm not condemned when my emotions get out of control. Relief that I was only believing a lie about God that wasn't true. Relief that He would rather see the broken sides of me than those perfect holy words that sound amazing. God is not a God who is up in the sky watching us from afar…No…He is like a father who kneels down to be on the same level as a child. He is a father that is willing to get blood on His hands when we have a skinned knee. He is a God who is willing to have tears and snot on His shoulder on those nights that we feel hopeless. He is going through every feeling and situation in our lives with us and understands us completely. Not only that, He is there to hold us up by our right hand and rescue us from all our trials. He brings us hope that one day things will be perfect, and the life we have longed for will come to pass through eternity.

God is not here to judge….He is here to give us hope in a world that feels hopeless sometimes. He understands being discouraged. He understands the quarter life crisis. Let's stop just trying to be all holy, and actually talk to the Lord with some real words in order to get the help and power we need. Admitting we are broken and discouraged opens up doors for the Lord to help and comfort. And we need His help and comfort.