*I needed a point*

I started to suspect during a College class last year that I might be special. It hadn't really crossed my mind before, because my parents have always treated me like a prodigy. "I am proud of you!" they would say all the time. I'd search my brain to see what I could have done to be proud of. My C in math? Talking too much in class? Notes picked up and thrown away by an angry teacher? I know it couldn't of been my awards or sports endeavors, because those had all failed miserably. Even so, my parents were very proud of my "Personality". Mom used to say:"Even if you don't do well in school and are not athletic, the most important thing is that you are friendly and kind and love Jesus!"

So I kept living life up until last year thinking I was quite normal…nothing out of the ordinary. That is until we started learning how to deal with special students in our class that needed something different. There were scenerios we went through and one day the student she was speaking of sounded EXACTLY like me. "I think I might be special!!!!" I said out loud to the class. Everyone was laughing and thinking I was kidding, but I wasn't. I was being very serious. I was that little Johnny we were speaking of, and I needed something different.

There were only so many times I could sing a Shirley Method song without wanting to throw myself out the window. There was only so long I could sit there without bouncing in my chair or getting up to look at the fish. Apparently these were bad things, but my teacher didn't seem to understand. What she wanted to do was the bad thing to me! It was a crime….getting out of my chair to look at the fish was so much more interesting and fun than having to read my leveled books. Me and my twin were the only ones stuck on level one. All of the other kids would brag and carry on about what color they were on. I was stuck at the beginners level and can still feel the frustration i'd get every time. I'd cry because I really had no idea what was going on and my teacher was really scary. Not to mention the first level was not even a cute color, it was a drab color. The pretty colors I liked came after you had mastered the yucky colors. I stopped caring about school when I realized I couldn't keep up with the other kids. What was the point of feeling miserable and inadequate? What was the point of doing things that made me cry all the time and realize how dumb I was? I could see a lot of point in getting out of my chair and enjoying life trying to further my friendships. That was MUCH more important than giving the type A personalities their fix by letting me know how much better they were than me. It's all about perspective and priorities. My priorities were completely different than my teacher's were and most of the other students come to think of it. I needed a point…a reason to do what I was doing that I never got. Therefore, my mind was elsewhere.

I can now see some of my students having different priorities than me, but I can understand them in a lot of ways. What goes around certainly comes around! But at least I can remember what I felt and feel a little empathy. When I teach, I'm going to make sure I let my class know the reasons why we do what we do. I'm going to make sure that the students like me never have to stay in the dark or feel unsafe when they are not at the same level as other students. I might have lost all of my motivation for school that I carried through my entire life because of one year in elementary school. My first year of school really shaped how I feel about school, and it was a bad experience. That gives me a lot of reason to do my best and keep moving forward through this year. And i'll try to keep an open mind and not just think that my priorities are the only priorities. Sometimes you just gotta let someone bounce in their chair and keep livin life. Maybe that bounce every once in a while gets them by. Or maybe they are just looking for a point.