*Trusting God*

It's 8:51am on a Saturday morning and this is the latest I've slept in quite some time. I remember days of being a teenager when noon was an easy place to wake up to. I guess not being able to sleep in late is something that just happens when you get older. Adults don't understand how kids can sleep so late! I remember my dad would joke with me about sleeping so long. He still jokes with me when I say I have to get up so early at 7 considering he's up at 5am every morning. Getting up before the sun is totally unnatural. I disapprove.

So, I haven't been able to write in a while because my last two weeks have been absolutely CRAZY!!!! There's been hardly anytime to sit down and do anything. The good news is, I've started to trust the Lord again with my circumstances and it's caused me so much more joy and motivation to keep going. I have gotten my hope back by the grace of God, and I'm so thankful for it!!!!

Although, I must say, trusting God is really a minute by minute thing. I've been waking up lately and saying immediately "Lord, I need you today, I can't make it without you, and I trust that You have my best interest in mind." And that has seriously changed my view as I go into the day. It gives me this hope and joy that keeps me going. When my heart realizes that the Lord is working for my good, it brings me this immense comfort that I really need. It gives me the strength I need to make it through the day and actually enjoy my time on top of that.

But it's not as easy as it seems. Things will happen in the day that cause me to lose my trust AGAIN! But when I feel that and see where my heart is going, I make sure that I go deal with it. Sometimes I trust the Lord all day long, and other times I trust him for only thirty seconds. When things don't go my way or I get my feelings hurt it's REALLY hard to trust the Lord!!!! Because when my feelings are hurt I start feeling lots of bad feelings about things that have nothing to do with that situation and I start to lose trust yet again!!!!

In case you didn't know….I am the most sensitive person on the face of the planet!!!! I get my feelings hurt and it makes me so mad when that happens! Especially when it's something I know I shouldn't be upset over! I still feel sad regardless of how much I tell myself that it's dumb to have my feelings hurt over something so minimal. I get mad at myself that I feel something I shouldn't, which hurts my feelings even more. It's quite the cycle, really. Because of my sensitivity my trust in the Lord is tested A LOT. But I am training myself to rely on the Lord and bring my heart back to trusting Him so many times a day. I feel like a fool not completely trusting this incredible Savior that has made Himself so apparent to me. Sometimes the situations and things right in front of me begin to consume my thoughts more than the Lord. Okay, a lot more than sometimes. How foolish….how weak am I that I can't even trust for two days strait. That must be where grace comes in. I am constantly wavering between this earthly flesh and this new heart that the Lord gave me long ago when He came into my heart. I am so aware of this battle, and my weakness really makes me angry sometimes.

When my weakness begins to upset me, I really beat myself up a lot. But I've been learning that we can't be angry at ourselves for all these times we fail. I'm not saying that you can go on sinning and feel okay with it because you rely on God's unending supply of mercy to come through for you. If you've kept up with my blogs over the year, you know that is entirely untrue. The Lord loves us enough to not let us go on in blatant sin. I think it is vital that we follow the Lord's commandments and flee from any kind of sin. That doesn't happen nearly enough for me, but I want more than anything to be a person that commits herself to fleeing from anything that does not glorify the Lord. And sometimes I am fully committed to that and try my very best to do everything right!!!! But I never do everything right!!!

What about this sin nature???? What about the fact that we seriously can't stop sinning no matter how hard we try!? When I am close to the Lord I am utterly aware of my shortcomings, and that is so hard. It's hard to know that I'll never be exactly what I want to be. It's hard to feel my heart losing trust when I know that the Lord Jesus Christ is more than worthy of my love, affection, and trust. His promises prove true, but here I am doubting things. I feel His grace more than ever when I go back to Him and apologize for where I let my heart go. My heart goes to a place where I don't think the Lord will take care of me at all. My greatest desire is to feel taken care of and my biggest fear is that I won't be. Feeling like I won't be taken care of seriously puts me into panic mode, but I shouldn't be in panic mode!!!!! The Lord is big enough and has promised to never leave me or forsake me. What a broken human fool that I can't constantly trust this powerful Savior.

But I don't think the Lord wants me to call myself a broken human fool. I have realized that it's a sin to call myself names like that and torture myself for what I do wrong and how I get my feelings hurt. I'm mad about my sinning so I just sin more by constantly telling myself how horrible I am. I think it's good to realize how broken we are as humans and how much we need Him. But for the first time, I've realized that the Lord doesn't want me saying that all the time. He wants me to have confidence. He wants to raise me out of this place of hating myself for the way I feel and what I do. He wants me to realize that I am no longer those things because He has taken residence in my heart. His grace IS enough. I never understood what that song REALLY meant, but I get it now. His grace is enough to cover me and my constant shortcomings. If you are trying so hard to follow the Lord and continue to realize the places you fall short, don't beat yourself up about it too much. Don't let it cause you to stumble or bring your self confidence to an unhealthy low level. There is a balance between going on and sinning without a care, and beating yourself up if you sin at all. The Lord sees our heart. He knows where we are and what we are thinking…He knows every motivation both good and bad.

As I've started trying to constantly get back to trusting the Lord on a minute by minute basis, I really have been a whole lot happier. Trusting God for whatever reason is one of the hardest things to do. I have realized that God doesn't just give us what we want on a silver platter. We are put into situations where we must learn to trust Him when everything seems hopeless. When my future is unclear and I have no idea where my life will be, that's when trust REALLY comes in. I'm a planner and not knowing is very difficult for me. But it's for my benefit that I learn to trust. It's for my benefit that I'm put in situations where trust doesn't come easily. What would it matter if we only trust God when everything is clear and good in our lives??? Would that even be trust at all??? I really don't think so. When we trust in Jesus when things seem so uncertain, that's when we truly glorify the Lord the most!!!!

And I for one want to glorify God in the best way possible!!!! My heart's greatest desire is to do what pleases Him even if I don't always do that. My desire for Him far outweighs these desires of the flesh and that's why I know that trust will win out!!!! How about we learn to trust the Lord in all circumstances and give unconditional praise no matter what happens!?!?! Sound good? It sure does to me. :)