I am more than ready for tomorrow at 2pm to come so I can go home already! My life is so busy lately that I hardly have anytime to breathe! How am I supposed to think about eternity when I'm too busy consuming my life with constant busyness that is unavoidable? A busy life shuts out the Lord in a bad way! Being lazy is not Godly, either...so where on earth is a balance? I do not believe my life is balanced at ALL right now and it's really taking a spiritiual tole on me.
To do lists have become what I read instead of my bible. When I finally have time to spend with the Lord I am too tired to even pick it up because it feels so heavy and my eyes are starting to shut. I hardly have any time to talk to people about anything other than a lesson plan and I just want to say...I miss Jesus!!!! I feel so lonely!!!! SOOOOO lonely! I wouldn't feel this way if I could just find some time to spend with the very best friend I have. Because the rare times I do have free I end up talking to people just so I can get some sort of relief from this constant loneliness! Because it is possible to get relief, and we all have our relief mechanisms, but in the end they won't take care of the true issue. And my issue is I'm lonely because my busy life has drowned out the voice of the Lord. I'm sure there are lots of things I could be doing for eternity right now that I'm not. But what I have to remind myself is that when I get into the classroom that will be my mission field. Right now I'm just preparing for the difference that I'll make in the future. Because right now I'm not making a difference. Not even a little bit. Right now I'm too overwhelmed and stressed to be of help to anyone at all, and I hate that!!!! What is it even going to matter the day I die that I just spent an hour doing Spanish homework???? I guess working at everything to my fullest as if working for the Lord is something that is good. And learning hard work and dedication doesn't come without it's benefits, but I mean.....I want my relationship with the Lord to be in full bloom not being crushed beneath the weight of this busy life I lead.
How am I supposed to further myself? How am I supposed to see where I need to change if I don't have time for that to cross my mind? It's like I'm on autopilot and anything beyond what I'm doing work-wise that day is not important to me. I am too tired for anything else to be important! I just want to have time to be still and know that He is God. I am only able to write this because I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now and I'll suffer for it later...but I need to vent for my own sake!!!!! I need to scream from the rooftops..JESUS!!!! Please give me time for you!!!! I miss you!!!!! I am so lonely and useless without you!!!!!!! What will it matter if I "succeed" in this life but do not have Christ as my foundation?!?!? What will it matter if I do not know Him and lay Him aside striving for perfection?!?!?! That is not the life I want to live!!! Not at all!!!! Especially when I realize that even this striving for perfection is useless because I end up having a B because I forget to turn something in that I DID do because my mind is full of other things!!!
The other day in class we were talking about two different kinds of work. Work that you do for a reason/grade and work you just DO to feel good about it called intrinsic. UMMM.....why would I work without a purpose when my true work has nothing to do with homework at all???? My work has to do with bringing glory to the Kingdom and being close enough to the Lord that I am able to follow His lead. If I am busy making things perfect and finding so much for me to do, how am I supposed to do that??? How can I even serve others if I don't have that time to spend with the Lord myself??? How can I know what the Lord is trying to say if I have no time?!?! I feel like i have the most purpose and joy when I am close to the Lord and spend time with Him daily. I love to hear His voice and feel Him near and for the past week I haven't at all!!!!!!! Not once!!! NO TIME!!!! NO TIME AT ALL!!!!!!!! I may be getting an A in a class...but I'm getting an F where it really counts!!!!!! And honestly I'm not even getting A's even with my best effort!!! UGH!!!!! Jesus....I want you...I NEED you.....I need more than 24 hours in the day. I need to never get tired. I need this Spring Break and I need it bad. I am planning on spending a lot of time with the Lord, because that "A" or "B" or "C" that I'm working so hard to get will mean nothing to me if my first response when I see the good grade isn't: "Lord! Look what we did together!!!". I want Him to be my focus, not something else that should be second!!! Work can become our master!!! Striving for perfection can begin to control our lives! "Something else" may be VERY important..I'm not saying that it isn't, but if it isn't second to the Lord it can be our idol!!! Along with many other good things in life. What I'm doing with my days are very beneficial and definitely important....but NOT as important as my relationship with Christ.
Nothing should ever come before the relationship with Christ and that's just the truth. I am feeling it.....I need to bring my F in spiritual life this week up to something better. I just need to figure out how. Because I know I have to continue to do my best and keep moving forward...but how? Because some of my time is going to have to be given to the Lord...but what time? Where can I find it????? Am I just supposed to never be social in that few hours I do have free? Cause that hurts, too!!! How am I supposed to do it all?! These good grades I fear are going to mean nothing to me and actually hurt my life if I don't find a way to give more time to God. If I didn't need so much sleep, I could stay up all night. But that makes me sick. I need to figure out how to change something because this isn't working. Integrating God into my busy life and making Him a part of it is on my to do list. Just add another thing. :)
Thank you, Lord for Spring Break...because weekends at this school are no breaks at all.
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