*I want you to love yourself!*

When you watch your twin sister walk down the aisle with absolutely no prospects, it can be a little bittersweet. Being the third wheel has it's humor, but it also brings a sting as well. But the sting is not so bad anymore, because my Lord is taking care of me. He's taught me for the first time how to put my life in His hands and stopped me from trying to figure everything out on my own. He's shown me that His time table is the best, and that I should trust Him with my heart. He's also shown me something really important lately that I didn't see coming. It seems like I'm always learning something from the Lord and it's never ending. But He only teaches me exactly what I can handle at that point, and then when I'm ready, He teaches me something new.

There's been a lot of talk negative talk about Valentine's day because of the feelings most single people have of it. I love Valentine's day and it's really sad to hear people talk like that, but I can also see where they may feel left out. I've been taking a purposeful break from dating for a year that won't end until April 1st, so it's not a big deal to me. But I guess other people have kinda rubbed off on me and I had one of those nights where I'm impatient and want God to speed up the time table already!!!! Come on, God!!! Let's move this along!!!!!! Send in that man on that white horse!!! (Only minus the horse, because white horses terrify me). You know, the usual ranting and raving that happens on nights like these. I just kinda had a time of telling the Lord that I don't understand and I'm not feeling patient…letting Him know about the partnership with Adam and Eve and Abby and NOBODY. It clearly wasn't matching up. And in the middle of my banter God gently showed me something very important. He showed me that I am not ready for someone until I learn to love myself.

Love myself?! God!!! What on earth are you talking about?! What have you got up your sleeve today?! Well, what He had up His sleeve was my next lesson from Him. The next step I'm going to take into being the woman that God designed me to be is to learn to love myself. He wants me to stop being so insecure and not valuing myself just because some people have treated me like I'm not valuable. Just because someone is so lost themselves that they treat me like that, does not make it true. And just because I have made mistakes in my life does not mean that I can't be freed of them! I don't have to hate myself for something I did years ago. I serve a God who is bigger than that. Someone who died so that I don't have to live in bondage to my past regrets. I'm going to write down this page from a book I'm reading called "His Princess Bride" that is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. The book is like letters back and forth from Jesus to His Bride (aka ME and YOU):

"Let me settle something in your mind and soul once and for all, my bride. I don't see you as you see yourself. You see your sin, and I see a forgiven princess. You see who you were, and I see who you will become when I crown you in My glory. You give yourself guilt, and I give you grace. You hold yourself hostage to your past, and I give you the key to freedom in Me. You are lovely in My eyes, and nothing you could say or do will change this truth. Now let me open your eyes so you may see all I have died for, that you may have a new view of you!" 'Come now ,let's settle this' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them white as snow. Though they are like red crimson, I will make them as white as wool.'-Isaiah 1:18

I have heard that verse so many times, but I guess it has never really clicked in my mind. God keeps all His promises and He promises to make my sin as white as snow. I don't have to dislike myself for anything I have done nor take what someone has done or said about me as seriously as I have been. In fact, I feel like the Lord has opened my eyes to the truth that I listen to human feedback way more than I listen to Him. The love of my life is begging for me to listen to Him….He is so desperate for me to realize my worth. And I turn my ears and listen to the words and actions of people who are highly imperfect. What is wrong with this picture? Why am I still this scared little girl that questions myself constantly? Shouldn't I be bold and confident because the Lord is with me?!

Basically the Lord has been letting me know that I will be of no use to anyone romantically until I learn to love myself. I was once told that you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. If you don't love yourself you end up falling in love with the way a person makes you feel instead of being in love with them. And honestly, that really make sense. Looking back on anything that I believed to be "love" was really not love at all. It was a way to find fulfillment and confidence from my insecurities than anything else. I've never just sat around and thought about all the things I love about a certain person when I'm dating them. Nor have I thought about putting their feelings above my own. It was all about ME.I think about how they might see me. How they might think I'm beautiful or funny or whatever and it makes me feel good about myself. It was in no way love. How can you love someone without loving yourself first? How can you build up someone else when you are too busy trying to deal with your own problems? How can you fully serve someone and truly put them first when you have no confidence? How can you receive love without realizing that you are worth being loved??? The truth is…you can't!!!

God, you make so much sense!!! Thank you for showing me this fact! I have no idea how I will do this, or how long it will take, but the Lord will give me all the power I need!!! I have come so far, and I can only see myself going further. I have been rising to new heights, and there are still even higher places to go. There will ALWAYS be higher places to go. I will never stop learning until the day I die! And I will most likely have to learn certain lessons over and over and over and over again. But for now….I'm going to learn to love myself. I'm going to learn to see myself the way God sees me!!! And I think you should, too!!!!