I think the reason that I like to write so much is I get to show a side of me that hardly anyone ever sees. I can write what's on my mind and what I'm thinking without feeling like I've made myself vulnerable to anybody. Writing is like an escape to my true self. The self I wish that I could show all the time, but for whatever reason I can't. I can express myself in text a lot better than in words, so I like it when I can finally figure things out through my writing. Sometimes I don't even know how I feel until I write it out. So maybe it's a way of getting to know myself as well. Because the Lord is the only one who truly knows me. He knows me better than myself. I don't have to try to show Him my side, because He knows how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it much more than I do. What a comfort that someone truly understands in a world full of different personalities in constant miscommunication…….I'm not quite sure who I'm talking to right now, because I never know who reads this unless I get a message, but maybe today I'm supposed to be talking to you. Maybe you can relate to where I am. Maybe we can figure out how to deal with this together.
Because the Lord has made Himself so evident in my life, I am quite ashamed to say what I'm about to say. I have no reason to feel like this, and so it is really hard to admit. I am convinced that one of the most vicious traps that the enemy sets in our way is the trap of hopelessness. I am so ashamed to say that at this point in time I find myself saying the same foolish words that Job spoke in Job 6:11: "What strength do I have the I should still hope? What prospects that I should be patient?" and you know what's even more shameful?! I HAVEN'T lost my entire family and everything I once had. I am so blessed, yet still finding myself saying these same words!!!!! WHAT IS THE DEAL HERE?!?! The deal is….my foot is completely caught in the sharp, painful trap of HOPELESSNESS.
I'm going to just be quite open here and let you know what's been going on in my mind lately. Maybe you can see what kinds of things go through a head of someone who has been completely taken over by this most ominous trap. I have been thinking things like: "I am in the middle of so much work, with only work to come. I can't see any good coming my way." "I will always be alone and I better start ordering my cats now." "I can see why a thin, beautiful girl may hope for an amazing husband one day. But husbands like that won't come looking for someone like me." "Everyone else will succeed around me, and I'm going to have to watch them." "I will never graduate college, I will never pass Spanish and Science." "No matter how hard I try, I will always end up hopeless." "I will always be sensitive and therefore nobody will want to put up with me" "I am bound to be left out, if not now, I will be left out soon." "Life will never get easier. I'm always going to feel like this."
YUCK…..reading these are making me sick. I am seriously not even wanting to post this because it is almost embarrassing how foolish my thought processes have gotten. Actually..not almost…it IS embarrassing. Especially when the Lord has been so evident in my life. I should never lose hope. He has given me so many reasons TO HOPE. It's so hard to read those words and to truly admit that I am thinking that way on a daily basis. For the first time I am seeing in complete light how much the enemy has overtaken me in the recent month. How did I get to this place? Sitting here with the Lord close by, I am seeing the lies that I've let pour into my head like an unrelenting hurricane. Why have I let this happen??? Why didn't I see those lies for what they were, and put an end to it? Why have I lost this hope??? Why have I stopped trusting the One who deserves the most trust? Why have I frantically searched YET AGAIN for something on this earth to make me feel important.
There's a verse in the bible that talks about the punishment that comes to someone who snuffs out even the smallest hope of a little one. Maybe because He knows how important hope is. The bible says in 1 Timothy 1:1 that the "Hope of Salvation" is to be worn as a Helmet in this battle we face everyday. Last time I checked, other than the sword, the helmet is one of the most important aspects of our armor we should be wearing!!!! I've been living life without a helmet with my head completely exposed. Without my helmet I have made myself vulnerable to lies that have come inside and started to fester. Proverbs 13:12 says that: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" and my heart is sick.
I think one of the most frustrating things in all of this is that I have come SO far this past year with the Lord. My hope was that I would stay on track and not let these traps that have often entangled me before hinder my life again. When I'm going hard for the Lord it's hard to believe that I will take two steps back after taking three steps forward. But the thing is, at least I'm still a step ahead. I'm still much better off than I was before. I was reading this book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity" and it talks about how the enemy likes to make us insecure when we take those two steps back. He likes to make us angry at ourselves because we can't stay in complete trust, and we know we should. This makes us even more insecure and only leads to much worse things. When we are taking those two steps back, we definitely need to do something about it. We can't just rely on God's grace and still sit in the mud without a thought of standing, because that will only keep us sick. And being angry at ourselves for being in the mud serves no purpose at all, and will only harm us. And when we react to friends and do things that we shouldn't, staying angry at ourselves for doing the wrong things helps nothing either. God's grace IS enough…His mercies ARE new every morning. But along with that mercy, we need to tap into the never ending supply of power to stand and change that is ours the moment we become believers. I need to start focusing on that step that I've taken. And I know that the Lord is big enough to bring me three steps ahead yet again. He always does.
I think it's easy for a lot of people to lose hope this time of year. The few people that I have really had in depth conversations with seem to be dealing with some of the same issues I am. We are in the middle of a work load and the end is not near. Loneliness is something I really struggle with, and I know I'm not the only one. I really believe that I'm not the only person that feels unwanted at times. Infact, many girls i've talked to when opening up for real tend to feel unwanted in someway. And if they are wanted, they fear being unwanted in the future. That's our biggest fear. We need to feel wanted. We need to feel like we are worth getting to know. We need to feel like we are worthy of getting excited about. And I for one do not put my best foot forward in the winter, so my hope of being worthy of love and captivating and beautiful to anyone tends to be snuffed out for good reason. I am not very lovable right now. I am not the most attractive thing to look at when my hope is deferred. I react to life so harshly when I feel like I am not particularly captivating to anybody. I want to be something that someone looks forward to. And when I'm not…I fall apart. Life is hard, and I can feel it. And those around me can feel it, too. And I know in time I'll make everything right. I just need time to get my hope back. Until then, I'll never make the correct decisions. I don't need to be hopeless any longer. I have been set free from this!!!! If we are the children of the Almighty, we have unlimited reasons to hope. Hope is something that we should cling to with all our hearts. I want my hope back. I am angry that my hope has been stripped from me yet again…and I'm going to get it back! And you know what? I am captivating to Jesus Christ….He rejoices over me with singing and delights in me…even when I do not deserve to be delighted in. And even when humans do not wake up and think about how much they want to talk to me…Jesus does. And that's something I need to keep in mind!
Now that I've realized that I've been living a life full of lies, it's time for me to get my hope back! I think that the first step to getting it back is lots of prayer. There is an obvious spiritual battle in my life that is raging around me unseen. I need to yell out the Lord's name and claim His victory over the demon of Hopelessness!!!! Because I know that that creature has plagued me many times. And I know it's creepy and weird and sounds ridiculous to talk about the spiritual war, but if we don't recognize it and actually go to war with it, our battle will be even harder to win….impossible really. When I am praying outloud and commanding the Lord to bring victory over whatever is trying to get me, I am always better off. When I am too afraid and try to tell myself that the spiritual battle is not real, I end up believing these lies and find myself hopeless. I need to fight. One of my spiritual gifts is being more aware of the spiritual realm, and it is scary as heck. But it has also benefited me in many ways, and I'm ready to win this battle. And if you ever want me to pray for your particular battle, please tell me and I will. I have had enough practice that I'm pretty comfortable with it. As comfortable as you can be doing the scariest thing ever!!!! BUT…I ALWAYS win. And seeing the Lord have victory after victory makes the fear get less and less. We seriously have so much power. We are scary to them.
Hopelessness..YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!!!!!!!!!!! I have the Lord Jesus Christ inside of me that will bring a Victory in my life!!!!! I want the demon of hopelessness to shutter at the thought of me!!! And I really think that it is, because I felt the Lord's presence right then, and that's how I know if what I'm saying is true. Now that I know how bad off I've been, I'm ready to go to war. I'm scared to go to war…but it's worth it. It's much scarier to live a life without hope. For those of you who are not used to reading things about the spiritual war, you are probably feeling weirded out. I know I would be!!! I'm the number one critic of weird things. But it's something very important, so I am willing to look a little crazy.
I have to go because I have a lot of work to do….for this earthly world, and the spiritual world as well. But I want to say that anyone who I am rude or mean to…I truly am sorry. I can't wait until Heaven when my sin nature is completely gone and we all live happily ever after. This battle is not against flesh and blood. And in closing I just want to pray this over anyone who is reading this:
God,
I pray for whoever has stumbled upon this and really needs You to help win their hope back. I pray that you would have a victory in their lives and show yourself in a new way that gives them the strength they need to move forward in this busy and cold time of year. Please show them how important they are. Show them that you delight in them and can't wait to talk to them. Show them that they are worthy of Love because you have redeemed them. Give them a glimpse of the amazing things to come, and put back on their helmet of hope that is needed to win this war. Protect our heads and hearts from the enemies lies, and give us a new hope in you. Thank you that when we search for you with all our hearts, will will always find you. Do a great work in my life and the lives of those around me. I love you and thank you for picking us to be on the winning team.
Love, Abby
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."- Romans 15:13
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