I have developed a nervous twitch in my left eye lid. I am not kidding you, at random points in the day it will just start shaking for a long time without my permission. I have no idea where this twitch has come from, but it has grown enough strength to become a bother in my life.
I started noticing this twitch last week after a few stressful days. On top of that I didn't get much sleep, so I figured that this was just a sign that I needed more pillow time. Well, I have slept plenty and the twitch seems to just grow in power. I even feel like people have begun to stare at it, which makes me nervously twitch even more. I don't know how to control this new issue that I am facing. It's quite awkward and uncomfortable to tell you the truth.
I notice that this peculiar movement of my left eye occurs every single Spanish class and shows up in Science on the more mathematical days. It also makes an appearance around lunch or dinner time when I'm thinking about what I'm going to do about eating with people. The caf has always been a place of sheer terror for me. The twitch is apparently turned on by my frightened feelings which does not make my comfort level any better. What if I run into someone I don't want to? What if I can't find any friends? What if I get stuck in a weird conversation? What if I drop my tray? What if the crowded room causes the twitch to do a double time speed drill?!?!?! It's a lot for a girl to handle.
The good news is that I'm I'm having a lot more hopeful feelings than I did last time I wrote. I've been feeling good and changing some of my mindsets for the better. I have realized that when my life gets super busy, it is more important to make time for God than time with friends. Even if I feel like I don't have much human contact because of the lack of time, it's more important for me to spend that time with the Lord. Because if I spend all my extra time with people and not with the Lord, I'll be miserable, and make others miserable. I think it's always best to find time for the Lord first. It's frustrating that I forget that sometimes. I guess I just get so caught up in my everyday life that I forget what really matters. It's so easy to get caught up in the world and things here start to feel like they matter more than things above and unseen. But that is very untrue…..the things unseen matter so much more than whatever is happening around me. That is the most important thing, and I have to remember that for my own good. :)
*Goodnight*
-My eye just twitched…it's twitching right now as I write this.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
*Hope is Our Helmet*
I think the reason that I like to write so much is I get to show a side of me that hardly anyone ever sees. I can write what's on my mind and what I'm thinking without feeling like I've made myself vulnerable to anybody. Writing is like an escape to my true self. The self I wish that I could show all the time, but for whatever reason I can't. I can express myself in text a lot better than in words, so I like it when I can finally figure things out through my writing. Sometimes I don't even know how I feel until I write it out. So maybe it's a way of getting to know myself as well. Because the Lord is the only one who truly knows me. He knows me better than myself. I don't have to try to show Him my side, because He knows how I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it much more than I do. What a comfort that someone truly understands in a world full of different personalities in constant miscommunication…….I'm not quite sure who I'm talking to right now, because I never know who reads this unless I get a message, but maybe today I'm supposed to be talking to you. Maybe you can relate to where I am. Maybe we can figure out how to deal with this together.
Because the Lord has made Himself so evident in my life, I am quite ashamed to say what I'm about to say. I have no reason to feel like this, and so it is really hard to admit. I am convinced that one of the most vicious traps that the enemy sets in our way is the trap of hopelessness. I am so ashamed to say that at this point in time I find myself saying the same foolish words that Job spoke in Job 6:11: "What strength do I have the I should still hope? What prospects that I should be patient?" and you know what's even more shameful?! I HAVEN'T lost my entire family and everything I once had. I am so blessed, yet still finding myself saying these same words!!!!! WHAT IS THE DEAL HERE?!?! The deal is….my foot is completely caught in the sharp, painful trap of HOPELESSNESS.
I'm going to just be quite open here and let you know what's been going on in my mind lately. Maybe you can see what kinds of things go through a head of someone who has been completely taken over by this most ominous trap. I have been thinking things like: "I am in the middle of so much work, with only work to come. I can't see any good coming my way." "I will always be alone and I better start ordering my cats now." "I can see why a thin, beautiful girl may hope for an amazing husband one day. But husbands like that won't come looking for someone like me." "Everyone else will succeed around me, and I'm going to have to watch them." "I will never graduate college, I will never pass Spanish and Science." "No matter how hard I try, I will always end up hopeless." "I will always be sensitive and therefore nobody will want to put up with me" "I am bound to be left out, if not now, I will be left out soon." "Life will never get easier. I'm always going to feel like this."
YUCK…..reading these are making me sick. I am seriously not even wanting to post this because it is almost embarrassing how foolish my thought processes have gotten. Actually..not almost…it IS embarrassing. Especially when the Lord has been so evident in my life. I should never lose hope. He has given me so many reasons TO HOPE. It's so hard to read those words and to truly admit that I am thinking that way on a daily basis. For the first time I am seeing in complete light how much the enemy has overtaken me in the recent month. How did I get to this place? Sitting here with the Lord close by, I am seeing the lies that I've let pour into my head like an unrelenting hurricane. Why have I let this happen??? Why didn't I see those lies for what they were, and put an end to it? Why have I lost this hope??? Why have I stopped trusting the One who deserves the most trust? Why have I frantically searched YET AGAIN for something on this earth to make me feel important.
There's a verse in the bible that talks about the punishment that comes to someone who snuffs out even the smallest hope of a little one. Maybe because He knows how important hope is. The bible says in 1 Timothy 1:1 that the "Hope of Salvation" is to be worn as a Helmet in this battle we face everyday. Last time I checked, other than the sword, the helmet is one of the most important aspects of our armor we should be wearing!!!! I've been living life without a helmet with my head completely exposed. Without my helmet I have made myself vulnerable to lies that have come inside and started to fester. Proverbs 13:12 says that: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" and my heart is sick.
I think one of the most frustrating things in all of this is that I have come SO far this past year with the Lord. My hope was that I would stay on track and not let these traps that have often entangled me before hinder my life again. When I'm going hard for the Lord it's hard to believe that I will take two steps back after taking three steps forward. But the thing is, at least I'm still a step ahead. I'm still much better off than I was before. I was reading this book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity" and it talks about how the enemy likes to make us insecure when we take those two steps back. He likes to make us angry at ourselves because we can't stay in complete trust, and we know we should. This makes us even more insecure and only leads to much worse things. When we are taking those two steps back, we definitely need to do something about it. We can't just rely on God's grace and still sit in the mud without a thought of standing, because that will only keep us sick. And being angry at ourselves for being in the mud serves no purpose at all, and will only harm us. And when we react to friends and do things that we shouldn't, staying angry at ourselves for doing the wrong things helps nothing either. God's grace IS enough…His mercies ARE new every morning. But along with that mercy, we need to tap into the never ending supply of power to stand and change that is ours the moment we become believers. I need to start focusing on that step that I've taken. And I know that the Lord is big enough to bring me three steps ahead yet again. He always does.
I think it's easy for a lot of people to lose hope this time of year. The few people that I have really had in depth conversations with seem to be dealing with some of the same issues I am. We are in the middle of a work load and the end is not near. Loneliness is something I really struggle with, and I know I'm not the only one. I really believe that I'm not the only person that feels unwanted at times. Infact, many girls i've talked to when opening up for real tend to feel unwanted in someway. And if they are wanted, they fear being unwanted in the future. That's our biggest fear. We need to feel wanted. We need to feel like we are worth getting to know. We need to feel like we are worthy of getting excited about. And I for one do not put my best foot forward in the winter, so my hope of being worthy of love and captivating and beautiful to anyone tends to be snuffed out for good reason. I am not very lovable right now. I am not the most attractive thing to look at when my hope is deferred. I react to life so harshly when I feel like I am not particularly captivating to anybody. I want to be something that someone looks forward to. And when I'm not…I fall apart. Life is hard, and I can feel it. And those around me can feel it, too. And I know in time I'll make everything right. I just need time to get my hope back. Until then, I'll never make the correct decisions. I don't need to be hopeless any longer. I have been set free from this!!!! If we are the children of the Almighty, we have unlimited reasons to hope. Hope is something that we should cling to with all our hearts. I want my hope back. I am angry that my hope has been stripped from me yet again…and I'm going to get it back! And you know what? I am captivating to Jesus Christ….He rejoices over me with singing and delights in me…even when I do not deserve to be delighted in. And even when humans do not wake up and think about how much they want to talk to me…Jesus does. And that's something I need to keep in mind!
Now that I've realized that I've been living a life full of lies, it's time for me to get my hope back! I think that the first step to getting it back is lots of prayer. There is an obvious spiritual battle in my life that is raging around me unseen. I need to yell out the Lord's name and claim His victory over the demon of Hopelessness!!!! Because I know that that creature has plagued me many times. And I know it's creepy and weird and sounds ridiculous to talk about the spiritual war, but if we don't recognize it and actually go to war with it, our battle will be even harder to win….impossible really. When I am praying outloud and commanding the Lord to bring victory over whatever is trying to get me, I am always better off. When I am too afraid and try to tell myself that the spiritual battle is not real, I end up believing these lies and find myself hopeless. I need to fight. One of my spiritual gifts is being more aware of the spiritual realm, and it is scary as heck. But it has also benefited me in many ways, and I'm ready to win this battle. And if you ever want me to pray for your particular battle, please tell me and I will. I have had enough practice that I'm pretty comfortable with it. As comfortable as you can be doing the scariest thing ever!!!! BUT…I ALWAYS win. And seeing the Lord have victory after victory makes the fear get less and less. We seriously have so much power. We are scary to them.
Hopelessness..YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!!!!!!!!!!! I have the Lord Jesus Christ inside of me that will bring a Victory in my life!!!!! I want the demon of hopelessness to shutter at the thought of me!!! And I really think that it is, because I felt the Lord's presence right then, and that's how I know if what I'm saying is true. Now that I know how bad off I've been, I'm ready to go to war. I'm scared to go to war…but it's worth it. It's much scarier to live a life without hope. For those of you who are not used to reading things about the spiritual war, you are probably feeling weirded out. I know I would be!!! I'm the number one critic of weird things. But it's something very important, so I am willing to look a little crazy.
I have to go because I have a lot of work to do….for this earthly world, and the spiritual world as well. But I want to say that anyone who I am rude or mean to…I truly am sorry. I can't wait until Heaven when my sin nature is completely gone and we all live happily ever after. This battle is not against flesh and blood. And in closing I just want to pray this over anyone who is reading this:
God,
I pray for whoever has stumbled upon this and really needs You to help win their hope back. I pray that you would have a victory in their lives and show yourself in a new way that gives them the strength they need to move forward in this busy and cold time of year. Please show them how important they are. Show them that you delight in them and can't wait to talk to them. Show them that they are worthy of Love because you have redeemed them. Give them a glimpse of the amazing things to come, and put back on their helmet of hope that is needed to win this war. Protect our heads and hearts from the enemies lies, and give us a new hope in you. Thank you that when we search for you with all our hearts, will will always find you. Do a great work in my life and the lives of those around me. I love you and thank you for picking us to be on the winning team.
Love, Abby
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."- Romans 15:13
Because the Lord has made Himself so evident in my life, I am quite ashamed to say what I'm about to say. I have no reason to feel like this, and so it is really hard to admit. I am convinced that one of the most vicious traps that the enemy sets in our way is the trap of hopelessness. I am so ashamed to say that at this point in time I find myself saying the same foolish words that Job spoke in Job 6:11: "What strength do I have the I should still hope? What prospects that I should be patient?" and you know what's even more shameful?! I HAVEN'T lost my entire family and everything I once had. I am so blessed, yet still finding myself saying these same words!!!!! WHAT IS THE DEAL HERE?!?! The deal is….my foot is completely caught in the sharp, painful trap of HOPELESSNESS.
I'm going to just be quite open here and let you know what's been going on in my mind lately. Maybe you can see what kinds of things go through a head of someone who has been completely taken over by this most ominous trap. I have been thinking things like: "I am in the middle of so much work, with only work to come. I can't see any good coming my way." "I will always be alone and I better start ordering my cats now." "I can see why a thin, beautiful girl may hope for an amazing husband one day. But husbands like that won't come looking for someone like me." "Everyone else will succeed around me, and I'm going to have to watch them." "I will never graduate college, I will never pass Spanish and Science." "No matter how hard I try, I will always end up hopeless." "I will always be sensitive and therefore nobody will want to put up with me" "I am bound to be left out, if not now, I will be left out soon." "Life will never get easier. I'm always going to feel like this."
YUCK…..reading these are making me sick. I am seriously not even wanting to post this because it is almost embarrassing how foolish my thought processes have gotten. Actually..not almost…it IS embarrassing. Especially when the Lord has been so evident in my life. I should never lose hope. He has given me so many reasons TO HOPE. It's so hard to read those words and to truly admit that I am thinking that way on a daily basis. For the first time I am seeing in complete light how much the enemy has overtaken me in the recent month. How did I get to this place? Sitting here with the Lord close by, I am seeing the lies that I've let pour into my head like an unrelenting hurricane. Why have I let this happen??? Why didn't I see those lies for what they were, and put an end to it? Why have I lost this hope??? Why have I stopped trusting the One who deserves the most trust? Why have I frantically searched YET AGAIN for something on this earth to make me feel important.
There's a verse in the bible that talks about the punishment that comes to someone who snuffs out even the smallest hope of a little one. Maybe because He knows how important hope is. The bible says in 1 Timothy 1:1 that the "Hope of Salvation" is to be worn as a Helmet in this battle we face everyday. Last time I checked, other than the sword, the helmet is one of the most important aspects of our armor we should be wearing!!!! I've been living life without a helmet with my head completely exposed. Without my helmet I have made myself vulnerable to lies that have come inside and started to fester. Proverbs 13:12 says that: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" and my heart is sick.
I think one of the most frustrating things in all of this is that I have come SO far this past year with the Lord. My hope was that I would stay on track and not let these traps that have often entangled me before hinder my life again. When I'm going hard for the Lord it's hard to believe that I will take two steps back after taking three steps forward. But the thing is, at least I'm still a step ahead. I'm still much better off than I was before. I was reading this book by Beth Moore called "So Long Insecurity" and it talks about how the enemy likes to make us insecure when we take those two steps back. He likes to make us angry at ourselves because we can't stay in complete trust, and we know we should. This makes us even more insecure and only leads to much worse things. When we are taking those two steps back, we definitely need to do something about it. We can't just rely on God's grace and still sit in the mud without a thought of standing, because that will only keep us sick. And being angry at ourselves for being in the mud serves no purpose at all, and will only harm us. And when we react to friends and do things that we shouldn't, staying angry at ourselves for doing the wrong things helps nothing either. God's grace IS enough…His mercies ARE new every morning. But along with that mercy, we need to tap into the never ending supply of power to stand and change that is ours the moment we become believers. I need to start focusing on that step that I've taken. And I know that the Lord is big enough to bring me three steps ahead yet again. He always does.
I think it's easy for a lot of people to lose hope this time of year. The few people that I have really had in depth conversations with seem to be dealing with some of the same issues I am. We are in the middle of a work load and the end is not near. Loneliness is something I really struggle with, and I know I'm not the only one. I really believe that I'm not the only person that feels unwanted at times. Infact, many girls i've talked to when opening up for real tend to feel unwanted in someway. And if they are wanted, they fear being unwanted in the future. That's our biggest fear. We need to feel wanted. We need to feel like we are worth getting to know. We need to feel like we are worthy of getting excited about. And I for one do not put my best foot forward in the winter, so my hope of being worthy of love and captivating and beautiful to anyone tends to be snuffed out for good reason. I am not very lovable right now. I am not the most attractive thing to look at when my hope is deferred. I react to life so harshly when I feel like I am not particularly captivating to anybody. I want to be something that someone looks forward to. And when I'm not…I fall apart. Life is hard, and I can feel it. And those around me can feel it, too. And I know in time I'll make everything right. I just need time to get my hope back. Until then, I'll never make the correct decisions. I don't need to be hopeless any longer. I have been set free from this!!!! If we are the children of the Almighty, we have unlimited reasons to hope. Hope is something that we should cling to with all our hearts. I want my hope back. I am angry that my hope has been stripped from me yet again…and I'm going to get it back! And you know what? I am captivating to Jesus Christ….He rejoices over me with singing and delights in me…even when I do not deserve to be delighted in. And even when humans do not wake up and think about how much they want to talk to me…Jesus does. And that's something I need to keep in mind!
Now that I've realized that I've been living a life full of lies, it's time for me to get my hope back! I think that the first step to getting it back is lots of prayer. There is an obvious spiritual battle in my life that is raging around me unseen. I need to yell out the Lord's name and claim His victory over the demon of Hopelessness!!!! Because I know that that creature has plagued me many times. And I know it's creepy and weird and sounds ridiculous to talk about the spiritual war, but if we don't recognize it and actually go to war with it, our battle will be even harder to win….impossible really. When I am praying outloud and commanding the Lord to bring victory over whatever is trying to get me, I am always better off. When I am too afraid and try to tell myself that the spiritual battle is not real, I end up believing these lies and find myself hopeless. I need to fight. One of my spiritual gifts is being more aware of the spiritual realm, and it is scary as heck. But it has also benefited me in many ways, and I'm ready to win this battle. And if you ever want me to pray for your particular battle, please tell me and I will. I have had enough practice that I'm pretty comfortable with it. As comfortable as you can be doing the scariest thing ever!!!! BUT…I ALWAYS win. And seeing the Lord have victory after victory makes the fear get less and less. We seriously have so much power. We are scary to them.
Hopelessness..YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!!!!!!!!!!! I have the Lord Jesus Christ inside of me that will bring a Victory in my life!!!!! I want the demon of hopelessness to shutter at the thought of me!!! And I really think that it is, because I felt the Lord's presence right then, and that's how I know if what I'm saying is true. Now that I know how bad off I've been, I'm ready to go to war. I'm scared to go to war…but it's worth it. It's much scarier to live a life without hope. For those of you who are not used to reading things about the spiritual war, you are probably feeling weirded out. I know I would be!!! I'm the number one critic of weird things. But it's something very important, so I am willing to look a little crazy.
I have to go because I have a lot of work to do….for this earthly world, and the spiritual world as well. But I want to say that anyone who I am rude or mean to…I truly am sorry. I can't wait until Heaven when my sin nature is completely gone and we all live happily ever after. This battle is not against flesh and blood. And in closing I just want to pray this over anyone who is reading this:
God,
I pray for whoever has stumbled upon this and really needs You to help win their hope back. I pray that you would have a victory in their lives and show yourself in a new way that gives them the strength they need to move forward in this busy and cold time of year. Please show them how important they are. Show them that you delight in them and can't wait to talk to them. Show them that they are worthy of Love because you have redeemed them. Give them a glimpse of the amazing things to come, and put back on their helmet of hope that is needed to win this war. Protect our heads and hearts from the enemies lies, and give us a new hope in you. Thank you that when we search for you with all our hearts, will will always find you. Do a great work in my life and the lives of those around me. I love you and thank you for picking us to be on the winning team.
Love, Abby
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."- Romans 15:13
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
*Thoughts after a Birthday*
I just want to start off by saying that kate is the best friend in the entire world!!!!!! She has done everything to make this day special for me since she knows how much I've hated some of my Birthdays in the past. Knowing how important it was to me, she bent over backwards to make sure that I had a great day. And she really did give me one of the best Birthdays I've had since I was 16 years old. When I turned 16 is really when Birthdays became more of a stress than anything else. But this year, it was so special because of all the work Katelind did. I am so blessed and want the world to know how lucky I am to be one of the people Katelind loves. Because Katelind knows how to love hard. She doesn't love too many, but when she does she loves to the fullest extent. I truly believe that there is nothing I could do that would stop her from loving me. She is fun to be around and we seriously have been through thick and thin together and come out just as joint as before. I haven't gotten sick of her at all over the years and I only love her more and more as time goes on. I know that God has to care about me through gifts like a loyal friend such as Kate. She is the most important friend to me, and I really feel like we are family. Seasons change…friends change….everything changes…but we've constantly remained. And for that I am so thankful!!!!!
You know? Friends like that are very rare to find. Ones that stick around forever and are not only loyal, but actually like you enough to talk to you on a daily basis! I have friends that I know will always be there, but are rarely in my everyday life. Katelind loves me enough to be there everyday, AND stick around. That is huge! Anyone who ends up with her is going to be the luckiest man. She loves like no other I've ever met. Birthday's to me are the times when true friends really stand out. And a lot of people have stood out today, and I really appreciate that. Especially Katelind and Macy who slaved away today for me! And all the people who gave me gifts, because it's my love language! And to my new friends Lauren and Kristen who really make me feel special!!!!! And everyone who has gone out of their way to make me feel loved today! Too many to count! LITERALLY!!!! It means so much!!!!!!
Off of the birthday subject….I had a realization today that just because I may want somebody to be a close friend, doesn't mean it's always possible. You can't fit a square into a circle no matter how hard you try. You can't make somebody want to be around you even if that's what you want more than anything. Sometimes you just gotta let go, and realize that the people who are meant to stay, will. And the others? Well…just don't hold on too tight. Because holding on too tight can end up with some pretty messy repercussions. Especially if someone is just in your life for a short time. I gotta realize that's okay.
It's harder for me to be okay with that, because i'm the type of person that yearns for deep, deep relationships. I want to feel so close to people, on a deep, loyal, unconditional level. I don't want to have to play games, I want to be able to share how I feel and know how the other is feeling. I don't want any sort of pent up feeling that the other doesn't know. I like to be transparent and on the same wave length. I long for commitment and knowing that someone will always be there. I'm drawn to people who come off as loyal and talk about lifelong friendship. I want that so badly. But I rarely let anyone in enough to become that lifelong friend. And when I want to let someone in, that doesn't mean that they always want to be that friend! Some personalities mixed together just hit a brick wall day after day. People have different love languages, different ways of looking at life, different ways of thinking in general. And that's okay, too. I just gotta come to terms with the fact that some people stay and many more go. And that's just life.
I'm really tired, so I'm probably not making very much sense. This is probably written really poorly as well, but I'm going to bed so I'm not even going to read through it. This has been a GREAT Birthday….I am so thankful!!!!!!!
You know? Friends like that are very rare to find. Ones that stick around forever and are not only loyal, but actually like you enough to talk to you on a daily basis! I have friends that I know will always be there, but are rarely in my everyday life. Katelind loves me enough to be there everyday, AND stick around. That is huge! Anyone who ends up with her is going to be the luckiest man. She loves like no other I've ever met. Birthday's to me are the times when true friends really stand out. And a lot of people have stood out today, and I really appreciate that. Especially Katelind and Macy who slaved away today for me! And all the people who gave me gifts, because it's my love language! And to my new friends Lauren and Kristen who really make me feel special!!!!! And everyone who has gone out of their way to make me feel loved today! Too many to count! LITERALLY!!!! It means so much!!!!!!
Off of the birthday subject….I had a realization today that just because I may want somebody to be a close friend, doesn't mean it's always possible. You can't fit a square into a circle no matter how hard you try. You can't make somebody want to be around you even if that's what you want more than anything. Sometimes you just gotta let go, and realize that the people who are meant to stay, will. And the others? Well…just don't hold on too tight. Because holding on too tight can end up with some pretty messy repercussions. Especially if someone is just in your life for a short time. I gotta realize that's okay.
It's harder for me to be okay with that, because i'm the type of person that yearns for deep, deep relationships. I want to feel so close to people, on a deep, loyal, unconditional level. I don't want to have to play games, I want to be able to share how I feel and know how the other is feeling. I don't want any sort of pent up feeling that the other doesn't know. I like to be transparent and on the same wave length. I long for commitment and knowing that someone will always be there. I'm drawn to people who come off as loyal and talk about lifelong friendship. I want that so badly. But I rarely let anyone in enough to become that lifelong friend. And when I want to let someone in, that doesn't mean that they always want to be that friend! Some personalities mixed together just hit a brick wall day after day. People have different love languages, different ways of looking at life, different ways of thinking in general. And that's okay, too. I just gotta come to terms with the fact that some people stay and many more go. And that's just life.
I'm really tired, so I'm probably not making very much sense. This is probably written really poorly as well, but I'm going to bed so I'm not even going to read through it. This has been a GREAT Birthday….I am so thankful!!!!!!!
Monday, February 15, 2010
*Diary of a Fuze Blowin Survivor *
I am sitting on my bathroom floor and I have no intention of moving. Once you hear what I've been through you will understand why I have come to love this bathroom floor I now reside on. Just call me rug girl, cause I'm not going ANYWHERE!
It all started out when it decided to snow outside even though I prayed that it wouldn't. I guess that it wasn't my day for the Good Lord to answer "yes" to me. I even thought I had faith as small as a mustard seed, but maybe there's more to that verse than my human brain understands.
I decided to be positive because I'm sick of being sad, so I went against my better judgment and had a snowball fight outside. A certain friend of mine (who will remain nameless since I'm about to say a bad thing) threw a snowball in my hood that would later ruin my night. When I went upstairs a little later I threw my coat on the bed without thinking about the snowball in the hood. When I grabbed my coat I was shocked and appalled at what I saw all over my sheets. SNOW!!!!! MELTING SNOW!!!!!! All over my new clean, warm sheets!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!! My bed is my safe place! My haven! My escape!!!! And now snow had seeped it's way into it's cozy covers!!!!
After freaking out for a few seconds, I decided to be positive again. I'll just turn on my heat warmer and the bed will be as good as new before we know it! But then I thought about how water comes up from the ground and makes rain and snow and a dead person could possibly be in that snow. I mean, seriously. The water may have come from a graveyard, built into snow in the clouds, then fell to the ground at this very school. Let's just say you won't see me eating any snow anytime soon! That's all I'm gonna say about that.
So back to my trying to stay positive moment…well…I turned on my heated mattress pad, then turned on my heater, and then as I was plugging in my phone something horrible happened….everything stopped. I didn't panic at that point, because I figured I had tripped over a cord or something. No. After a few trials and errors I found out that I had just blown a fuze. None of my plug-ins were working anymore!!!! Now all I had was a snow filled bed and a frown.
I forced myself to make it through the freezing night, but was constantly woken up with the chills. It turns out that our heater does not work in here, so I was literally camping. I went to bed cold, woke up cold, went to class cold, and couldn't find any sort of relief. I talked to two RA's and even banged on the head of the dorm's door. I told him of my predicament: "None of my plug-ins work and my heated mattress pad is what gets me through!!!!!" I said in a horrified tone. He began to laugh at me and said "Well, I hope you find SOME way to keep warm without that mattress pad!" and began laughing again. Where's the humor? Cause I can't find it.
Maybe other people just can't understand. Maybe I have this rare disease where the cold weather sticks to my skin and never gets off. Luckily the plug ins still work in the bathroom so I have my heater in here and I am cuddled up to it for the night. I really hope that I inform you very soon that this problem is taken care of, because how can a girl get an education when things like this are happening at home?
It all started out when it decided to snow outside even though I prayed that it wouldn't. I guess that it wasn't my day for the Good Lord to answer "yes" to me. I even thought I had faith as small as a mustard seed, but maybe there's more to that verse than my human brain understands.
I decided to be positive because I'm sick of being sad, so I went against my better judgment and had a snowball fight outside. A certain friend of mine (who will remain nameless since I'm about to say a bad thing) threw a snowball in my hood that would later ruin my night. When I went upstairs a little later I threw my coat on the bed without thinking about the snowball in the hood. When I grabbed my coat I was shocked and appalled at what I saw all over my sheets. SNOW!!!!! MELTING SNOW!!!!!! All over my new clean, warm sheets!!!! NOOOO!!!!!!! My bed is my safe place! My haven! My escape!!!! And now snow had seeped it's way into it's cozy covers!!!!
After freaking out for a few seconds, I decided to be positive again. I'll just turn on my heat warmer and the bed will be as good as new before we know it! But then I thought about how water comes up from the ground and makes rain and snow and a dead person could possibly be in that snow. I mean, seriously. The water may have come from a graveyard, built into snow in the clouds, then fell to the ground at this very school. Let's just say you won't see me eating any snow anytime soon! That's all I'm gonna say about that.
So back to my trying to stay positive moment…well…I turned on my heated mattress pad, then turned on my heater, and then as I was plugging in my phone something horrible happened….everything stopped. I didn't panic at that point, because I figured I had tripped over a cord or something. No. After a few trials and errors I found out that I had just blown a fuze. None of my plug-ins were working anymore!!!! Now all I had was a snow filled bed and a frown.
I forced myself to make it through the freezing night, but was constantly woken up with the chills. It turns out that our heater does not work in here, so I was literally camping. I went to bed cold, woke up cold, went to class cold, and couldn't find any sort of relief. I talked to two RA's and even banged on the head of the dorm's door. I told him of my predicament: "None of my plug-ins work and my heated mattress pad is what gets me through!!!!!" I said in a horrified tone. He began to laugh at me and said "Well, I hope you find SOME way to keep warm without that mattress pad!" and began laughing again. Where's the humor? Cause I can't find it.
Maybe other people just can't understand. Maybe I have this rare disease where the cold weather sticks to my skin and never gets off. Luckily the plug ins still work in the bathroom so I have my heater in here and I am cuddled up to it for the night. I really hope that I inform you very soon that this problem is taken care of, because how can a girl get an education when things like this are happening at home?
*Did you toot, or was that my phone?!*
Every Monday, Wednesday, Friday me and Kate have an hour where we do our last minute homework for that day. Each time I rush into the room and grab my Spanish book at the speed of light and head strait to the computer. Somedays we can't be in the same room because the massive panic for the work due the next hour is the only thing on our minds. But other days we end up in the living room together. It's not always good because something always starts a laughing fit that ends up distracting us from our work. Not to mention there is always a story or something to say when we are together. Like right now we are talking about kittens raised constantly looking at a strobe light, because that is apparently important at this very moment.
Anyway….I just need to write this post so in the future I'll remember this precious hour of homework time with my best friend. Today we both were geared towards our homework, but it's just really hard when a Spanish voice starts screaming at me from my computer. How can two friends not start to laugh?! And while the spanish man is screaming at me about a broken leg, Kate is looking at odd pictures in her neuroscience book.
Not to mention our couches make really weird toot noises when we move around. The first time I thought the fart noise was my phone so I said "HEY! Did you toot or was that my phone?!?!" "No! Your phone sounds like a toot?!?!" she said back laughing. "um..YA! VIBRATION!" So then we were sitting there and every time a weird noise would happen she'd say "Was that your phone?!" hahahaha So now if you ever can't hold it in and toot around us, we'll pretend like it was my phone. So don't be bashful, we won't make you feel ashamed.
Well, the hour is up!!! Time to go to class!!! Until next time! :)
Anyway….I just need to write this post so in the future I'll remember this precious hour of homework time with my best friend. Today we both were geared towards our homework, but it's just really hard when a Spanish voice starts screaming at me from my computer. How can two friends not start to laugh?! And while the spanish man is screaming at me about a broken leg, Kate is looking at odd pictures in her neuroscience book.
Not to mention our couches make really weird toot noises when we move around. The first time I thought the fart noise was my phone so I said "HEY! Did you toot or was that my phone?!?!" "No! Your phone sounds like a toot?!?!" she said back laughing. "um..YA! VIBRATION!" So then we were sitting there and every time a weird noise would happen she'd say "Was that your phone?!" hahahaha So now if you ever can't hold it in and toot around us, we'll pretend like it was my phone. So don't be bashful, we won't make you feel ashamed.
Well, the hour is up!!! Time to go to class!!! Until next time! :)
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
*I'm TRAUMATIZED!!!*
There are days in life that define us….some that are good, and others that are down right horrible. These days change who we are and what are lives are going to look like forever. You know….the day you are born, the day you go to school for the first time, the day someone you love dies, the day you become a Christian, the day you get your heart broken, the day your house goes up in flames, the day you get married, the day you wreck your car, the day you realize that your skirt is caught up in your undies and your booty is out for all to see,the day you have a child, and last but not least…the day you get your head stuck in an elevator for the first time. All of these make up who we are and define our lives in a lot of ways. I am all about those defining moments (especially the good ones) but I wasn't ready for one to happen today. 2/9/2010 was supposed to be an ordinary day, but to my utter horror it has been added to the list of life-changing days in my life.
It all started when I didn't feel like walking down a flight of steps with my friend Kristen. The elevator is the safest bet considering stairwells have a number of hazards. Safety first is what I always say! But safety did not come first…I had no idea that I was on a ride that was much more terrible than the "Tower of Terror" ever could be!
I should have changed my mind when we had to step UP to get into the elevator. When it's not directly leveled proportionally to the ground, that means there are issues. But I am a trusting person when it comes to machinery, so I went in anyway. The noises were haunting and the elevator shook all around as Kristen grabbed my arm for dear life in a panic. We finally got to the second floor and Kristen was glad to get off. I said my goodbyes and suddenly saw my friend Theresa sitting on a bench on the second floor. "HEY!!!!" I said as I poked my head out of the elevator waving….and that's when my life changed. That's the moment that the door CLOSED mercilessly on my head!!!!! My screams filled the halls of the entire building as I was thrown into a whirlwind of shock and adrenaline! What if this goes down and my head is stuck?!?!? My temples were hurting so bad!!!! My feelings were hurt as well!!! I was NOT okay!!!! I didn't even know how I would survive this mess, but I knew somehow I would!!!!! And I did!!! Obviously!!! Since I AM writing this right now. It's a miracle, actually.
I'm here to tell you that physically…I am okay. But emotionally…I am a train wreck. Gifts and flowers in honor of this day will be accepted. Defining days are the days when family and friends come together to support each other. I am willing to be supported. That is all for today.
It all started when I didn't feel like walking down a flight of steps with my friend Kristen. The elevator is the safest bet considering stairwells have a number of hazards. Safety first is what I always say! But safety did not come first…I had no idea that I was on a ride that was much more terrible than the "Tower of Terror" ever could be!
I should have changed my mind when we had to step UP to get into the elevator. When it's not directly leveled proportionally to the ground, that means there are issues. But I am a trusting person when it comes to machinery, so I went in anyway. The noises were haunting and the elevator shook all around as Kristen grabbed my arm for dear life in a panic. We finally got to the second floor and Kristen was glad to get off. I said my goodbyes and suddenly saw my friend Theresa sitting on a bench on the second floor. "HEY!!!!" I said as I poked my head out of the elevator waving….and that's when my life changed. That's the moment that the door CLOSED mercilessly on my head!!!!! My screams filled the halls of the entire building as I was thrown into a whirlwind of shock and adrenaline! What if this goes down and my head is stuck?!?!? My temples were hurting so bad!!!! My feelings were hurt as well!!! I was NOT okay!!!! I didn't even know how I would survive this mess, but I knew somehow I would!!!!! And I did!!! Obviously!!! Since I AM writing this right now. It's a miracle, actually.
I'm here to tell you that physically…I am okay. But emotionally…I am a train wreck. Gifts and flowers in honor of this day will be accepted. Defining days are the days when family and friends come together to support each other. I am willing to be supported. That is all for today.
Monday, February 8, 2010
*Nightmares and Mailmen*
It's 6:00am and I am completely awake. I know that sounds crazy, but you would be too if you just had the terrible dream I did. I mean…….my heart is still pounding. Can I also just take a quick moment to say that my automatic lights scare me and have a mind of their own. The bathroom light turns on and off without anyone being in there. Who or what is causing the sensor to go off?!?! I have no idea!!!!! Anyway...
In the dream I was getting married and my hair was awful and my dress was awful and I was marrying one of my exes! I hadn't even talked to him for like a year so I wasn't sure if he was going to even show up. Well, he did, and he came in and hugged me and told me he bought me a bird to take care of. A bird?!?! Do you hate me?!?!? I don't want a bird!!!!!! So then it was time to go down the aisle but my favorite song came on and I started dancing so by the time I went to the aisle the entire wedding party had left! Nobody could find the bride so they just ended up leaving. So the preacher married us in the hallway and my new "husband" asked for some cash to get gas for our honeymoon trip. "Don't you have some cash?!" I said annoyed. "Nope, that's one of the reasons I've married you!". (Insert me giving a newly married blissful..DEATH STARE!!!)Then we had to stop by the mall and I saw the cutest dress I'd ever seen! On top of that, I had forgotten to pack anything for the trip we were taking so finding the dress was the best thing that had happened all day!!! "Can I get this?!?! It's perfect!!!" and the words he said were haunting: "No, you can't ever get any clothes again! This money is going towards a leaky faucet!!!!"
That's when I woke up screaming. I can't go back to sleep. It's too much to bare! What a horrible dream!!!!!!! Marrying an ex?! A bird?!! Horrible hair?!!!! Not even making it on time to the aisle?! My husband asking me for cash?!?! Not allowing me to buy a dress that I NEEDED?!?! That wasn't pleasure shopping!!!!!! AHHHH!!! Thank goodness for reality. I was not excited about getting up early for a Monday and having a long day of work, but right now….I'm just happy to be awake! Monday is much better than sleep right now!
Speaking of Monday morning…..my mailman is probably awake and getting ready for his long week of keeping the U.S. mail system going. Apparently I've had the same mailman since I was two years old and he has our same last name. I'd never met him before, but he came to the door with a package and we started talking for the first time. Turns out he knows every address we've ever had and what's been going on in our lives through our mail! He said he's watched us grow up and even saw us riding our go cart around at the old house all the time. That's when I was about ten or so! How crazy is that?!?!?! This man knowing all about my life, yet me never knowing him. I think we need to pay attention to our mailmen more. Because they know the inner details of our lives and they deserve some chat time.
In the dream I was getting married and my hair was awful and my dress was awful and I was marrying one of my exes! I hadn't even talked to him for like a year so I wasn't sure if he was going to even show up. Well, he did, and he came in and hugged me and told me he bought me a bird to take care of. A bird?!?! Do you hate me?!?!? I don't want a bird!!!!!! So then it was time to go down the aisle but my favorite song came on and I started dancing so by the time I went to the aisle the entire wedding party had left! Nobody could find the bride so they just ended up leaving. So the preacher married us in the hallway and my new "husband" asked for some cash to get gas for our honeymoon trip. "Don't you have some cash?!" I said annoyed. "Nope, that's one of the reasons I've married you!". (Insert me giving a newly married blissful..DEATH STARE!!!)Then we had to stop by the mall and I saw the cutest dress I'd ever seen! On top of that, I had forgotten to pack anything for the trip we were taking so finding the dress was the best thing that had happened all day!!! "Can I get this?!?! It's perfect!!!" and the words he said were haunting: "No, you can't ever get any clothes again! This money is going towards a leaky faucet!!!!"
That's when I woke up screaming. I can't go back to sleep. It's too much to bare! What a horrible dream!!!!!!! Marrying an ex?! A bird?!! Horrible hair?!!!! Not even making it on time to the aisle?! My husband asking me for cash?!?! Not allowing me to buy a dress that I NEEDED?!?! That wasn't pleasure shopping!!!!!! AHHHH!!! Thank goodness for reality. I was not excited about getting up early for a Monday and having a long day of work, but right now….I'm just happy to be awake! Monday is much better than sleep right now!
Speaking of Monday morning…..my mailman is probably awake and getting ready for his long week of keeping the U.S. mail system going. Apparently I've had the same mailman since I was two years old and he has our same last name. I'd never met him before, but he came to the door with a package and we started talking for the first time. Turns out he knows every address we've ever had and what's been going on in our lives through our mail! He said he's watched us grow up and even saw us riding our go cart around at the old house all the time. That's when I was about ten or so! How crazy is that?!?!?! This man knowing all about my life, yet me never knowing him. I think we need to pay attention to our mailmen more. Because they know the inner details of our lives and they deserve some chat time.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
*Facebook Etiquette*
Recently, I have seen some facebook users who have decided to use facebook improperly. Considering I have many years in cotillion that have officially made me "fancy"..I am going to throw down a few rules for being polite on facebook. There is a way to use it correctly, and a way that will just drive people nuts. In order for everyone to have a clear idea of what's okay and what's not okay on facebook….here's a couple of etiquette rules for you to live by if you are an upstanding citizen:
1.) If you clearly have a following of people who would like to stalk you more freely, stop getting on and not changing your status!!! Don't make us refresh your page day after day to see no change at all. This is just rude.
2.) Write back on a person's wall if they write on yours. It's not like I'm writing on your wall to exercise my fingers!!! It means I want a response!!!!! Don't be the person that doesn't give thirty seconds to a wall post.
3.)This rule is the one exception to the rule stated above. If someone writes on your wall that is clearly creepy, you are not bound by the rules of etiquette to write back. But maybe you should remove all of those types of people anyway.
4.)If you are a guy and do not know me, stop adding me and other girls!!!! I am sick of having questionable messages from clearly 'single-for-a-reason' males around the world.
5.)Don't flaunt your chest on facebook pictures.I'm not going to throw my morals at anyone, because that's my main reason…but beyond that... If you have scantily clad pictures, there are plenty of men scanning through your pics and thinking things. If I'm a girl and I can't help but wonder what might be going on under there…imagine someone who is actually attracted to you. Do you REALLY want beer belly bobby checking you out?!?!??!
6.)Don't stop using facebook as a means of communication just because you talk all the time in person. Facebook is fun, and getting closer should not hinder your facebook life!!! I can't tell you how many boys have let me down in my facebook life whenever we start talking all the time…their reason: "Well, I can just tell you in person when I see you in five minutes!"…Wrong answer!!!! lol I say "boys" because girls write on your wall MORE when you talk all the time. A major difference between males and females is males may think "Well, we talked alot so that should be good" and females think "We talked alot which means we need to talk some more!" haha
7.)Do not post the intimate details of your love life for all to see. Nobody likes to see kissing pictures and nobody thinks it's cute but yourself. I know the world is perfect and your love is all you need…but please…let me keep my lunch.
8.) Use many exclamations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SMILEYS!!! :D :D :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't this sentence feeling so much more positive than the others?!??! :)!
9.) Have fun and use the "like" button freely! It makes people feel good!
So there you have it…now you have no excuse for using facebook improperly or driving me nuts. I hope that this helps you further your facebook life in a healthy way. Remeber…facebook is a beautiful thing when used correctly.
1.) If you clearly have a following of people who would like to stalk you more freely, stop getting on and not changing your status!!! Don't make us refresh your page day after day to see no change at all. This is just rude.
2.) Write back on a person's wall if they write on yours. It's not like I'm writing on your wall to exercise my fingers!!! It means I want a response!!!!! Don't be the person that doesn't give thirty seconds to a wall post.
3.)This rule is the one exception to the rule stated above. If someone writes on your wall that is clearly creepy, you are not bound by the rules of etiquette to write back. But maybe you should remove all of those types of people anyway.
4.)If you are a guy and do not know me, stop adding me and other girls!!!! I am sick of having questionable messages from clearly 'single-for-a-reason' males around the world.
5.)Don't flaunt your chest on facebook pictures.I'm not going to throw my morals at anyone, because that's my main reason…but beyond that... If you have scantily clad pictures, there are plenty of men scanning through your pics and thinking things. If I'm a girl and I can't help but wonder what might be going on under there…imagine someone who is actually attracted to you. Do you REALLY want beer belly bobby checking you out?!?!??!
6.)Don't stop using facebook as a means of communication just because you talk all the time in person. Facebook is fun, and getting closer should not hinder your facebook life!!! I can't tell you how many boys have let me down in my facebook life whenever we start talking all the time…their reason: "Well, I can just tell you in person when I see you in five minutes!"…Wrong answer!!!! lol I say "boys" because girls write on your wall MORE when you talk all the time. A major difference between males and females is males may think "Well, we talked alot so that should be good" and females think "We talked alot which means we need to talk some more!" haha
7.)Do not post the intimate details of your love life for all to see. Nobody likes to see kissing pictures and nobody thinks it's cute but yourself. I know the world is perfect and your love is all you need…but please…let me keep my lunch.
8.) Use many exclamations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SMILEYS!!! :D :D :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Isn't this sentence feeling so much more positive than the others?!??! :)!
9.) Have fun and use the "like" button freely! It makes people feel good!
So there you have it…now you have no excuse for using facebook improperly or driving me nuts. I hope that this helps you further your facebook life in a healthy way. Remeber…facebook is a beautiful thing when used correctly.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
*I want you to love yourself!*
When you watch your twin sister walk down the aisle with absolutely no prospects, it can be a little bittersweet. Being the third wheel has it's humor, but it also brings a sting as well. But the sting is not so bad anymore, because my Lord is taking care of me. He's taught me for the first time how to put my life in His hands and stopped me from trying to figure everything out on my own. He's shown me that His time table is the best, and that I should trust Him with my heart. He's also shown me something really important lately that I didn't see coming. It seems like I'm always learning something from the Lord and it's never ending. But He only teaches me exactly what I can handle at that point, and then when I'm ready, He teaches me something new.
There's been a lot of talk negative talk about Valentine's day because of the feelings most single people have of it. I love Valentine's day and it's really sad to hear people talk like that, but I can also see where they may feel left out. I've been taking a purposeful break from dating for a year that won't end until April 1st, so it's not a big deal to me. But I guess other people have kinda rubbed off on me and I had one of those nights where I'm impatient and want God to speed up the time table already!!!! Come on, God!!! Let's move this along!!!!!! Send in that man on that white horse!!! (Only minus the horse, because white horses terrify me). You know, the usual ranting and raving that happens on nights like these. I just kinda had a time of telling the Lord that I don't understand and I'm not feeling patient…letting Him know about the partnership with Adam and Eve and Abby and NOBODY. It clearly wasn't matching up. And in the middle of my banter God gently showed me something very important. He showed me that I am not ready for someone until I learn to love myself.
Love myself?! God!!! What on earth are you talking about?! What have you got up your sleeve today?! Well, what He had up His sleeve was my next lesson from Him. The next step I'm going to take into being the woman that God designed me to be is to learn to love myself. He wants me to stop being so insecure and not valuing myself just because some people have treated me like I'm not valuable. Just because someone is so lost themselves that they treat me like that, does not make it true. And just because I have made mistakes in my life does not mean that I can't be freed of them! I don't have to hate myself for something I did years ago. I serve a God who is bigger than that. Someone who died so that I don't have to live in bondage to my past regrets. I'm going to write down this page from a book I'm reading called "His Princess Bride" that is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. The book is like letters back and forth from Jesus to His Bride (aka ME and YOU):
"Let me settle something in your mind and soul once and for all, my bride. I don't see you as you see yourself. You see your sin, and I see a forgiven princess. You see who you were, and I see who you will become when I crown you in My glory. You give yourself guilt, and I give you grace. You hold yourself hostage to your past, and I give you the key to freedom in Me. You are lovely in My eyes, and nothing you could say or do will change this truth. Now let me open your eyes so you may see all I have died for, that you may have a new view of you!" 'Come now ,let's settle this' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them white as snow. Though they are like red crimson, I will make them as white as wool.'-Isaiah 1:18
I have heard that verse so many times, but I guess it has never really clicked in my mind. God keeps all His promises and He promises to make my sin as white as snow. I don't have to dislike myself for anything I have done nor take what someone has done or said about me as seriously as I have been. In fact, I feel like the Lord has opened my eyes to the truth that I listen to human feedback way more than I listen to Him. The love of my life is begging for me to listen to Him….He is so desperate for me to realize my worth. And I turn my ears and listen to the words and actions of people who are highly imperfect. What is wrong with this picture? Why am I still this scared little girl that questions myself constantly? Shouldn't I be bold and confident because the Lord is with me?!
Basically the Lord has been letting me know that I will be of no use to anyone romantically until I learn to love myself. I was once told that you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. If you don't love yourself you end up falling in love with the way a person makes you feel instead of being in love with them. And honestly, that really make sense. Looking back on anything that I believed to be "love" was really not love at all. It was a way to find fulfillment and confidence from my insecurities than anything else. I've never just sat around and thought about all the things I love about a certain person when I'm dating them. Nor have I thought about putting their feelings above my own. It was all about ME.I think about how they might see me. How they might think I'm beautiful or funny or whatever and it makes me feel good about myself. It was in no way love. How can you love someone without loving yourself first? How can you build up someone else when you are too busy trying to deal with your own problems? How can you fully serve someone and truly put them first when you have no confidence? How can you receive love without realizing that you are worth being loved??? The truth is…you can't!!!
God, you make so much sense!!! Thank you for showing me this fact! I have no idea how I will do this, or how long it will take, but the Lord will give me all the power I need!!! I have come so far, and I can only see myself going further. I have been rising to new heights, and there are still even higher places to go. There will ALWAYS be higher places to go. I will never stop learning until the day I die! And I will most likely have to learn certain lessons over and over and over and over again. But for now….I'm going to learn to love myself. I'm going to learn to see myself the way God sees me!!! And I think you should, too!!!!
There's been a lot of talk negative talk about Valentine's day because of the feelings most single people have of it. I love Valentine's day and it's really sad to hear people talk like that, but I can also see where they may feel left out. I've been taking a purposeful break from dating for a year that won't end until April 1st, so it's not a big deal to me. But I guess other people have kinda rubbed off on me and I had one of those nights where I'm impatient and want God to speed up the time table already!!!! Come on, God!!! Let's move this along!!!!!! Send in that man on that white horse!!! (Only minus the horse, because white horses terrify me). You know, the usual ranting and raving that happens on nights like these. I just kinda had a time of telling the Lord that I don't understand and I'm not feeling patient…letting Him know about the partnership with Adam and Eve and Abby and NOBODY. It clearly wasn't matching up. And in the middle of my banter God gently showed me something very important. He showed me that I am not ready for someone until I learn to love myself.
Love myself?! God!!! What on earth are you talking about?! What have you got up your sleeve today?! Well, what He had up His sleeve was my next lesson from Him. The next step I'm going to take into being the woman that God designed me to be is to learn to love myself. He wants me to stop being so insecure and not valuing myself just because some people have treated me like I'm not valuable. Just because someone is so lost themselves that they treat me like that, does not make it true. And just because I have made mistakes in my life does not mean that I can't be freed of them! I don't have to hate myself for something I did years ago. I serve a God who is bigger than that. Someone who died so that I don't have to live in bondage to my past regrets. I'm going to write down this page from a book I'm reading called "His Princess Bride" that is exactly what I needed to hear tonight. The book is like letters back and forth from Jesus to His Bride (aka ME and YOU):
"Let me settle something in your mind and soul once and for all, my bride. I don't see you as you see yourself. You see your sin, and I see a forgiven princess. You see who you were, and I see who you will become when I crown you in My glory. You give yourself guilt, and I give you grace. You hold yourself hostage to your past, and I give you the key to freedom in Me. You are lovely in My eyes, and nothing you could say or do will change this truth. Now let me open your eyes so you may see all I have died for, that you may have a new view of you!" 'Come now ,let's settle this' says the Lord. 'Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them white as snow. Though they are like red crimson, I will make them as white as wool.'-Isaiah 1:18
I have heard that verse so many times, but I guess it has never really clicked in my mind. God keeps all His promises and He promises to make my sin as white as snow. I don't have to dislike myself for anything I have done nor take what someone has done or said about me as seriously as I have been. In fact, I feel like the Lord has opened my eyes to the truth that I listen to human feedback way more than I listen to Him. The love of my life is begging for me to listen to Him….He is so desperate for me to realize my worth. And I turn my ears and listen to the words and actions of people who are highly imperfect. What is wrong with this picture? Why am I still this scared little girl that questions myself constantly? Shouldn't I be bold and confident because the Lord is with me?!
Basically the Lord has been letting me know that I will be of no use to anyone romantically until I learn to love myself. I was once told that you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself. If you don't love yourself you end up falling in love with the way a person makes you feel instead of being in love with them. And honestly, that really make sense. Looking back on anything that I believed to be "love" was really not love at all. It was a way to find fulfillment and confidence from my insecurities than anything else. I've never just sat around and thought about all the things I love about a certain person when I'm dating them. Nor have I thought about putting their feelings above my own. It was all about ME.I think about how they might see me. How they might think I'm beautiful or funny or whatever and it makes me feel good about myself. It was in no way love. How can you love someone without loving yourself first? How can you build up someone else when you are too busy trying to deal with your own problems? How can you fully serve someone and truly put them first when you have no confidence? How can you receive love without realizing that you are worth being loved??? The truth is…you can't!!!
God, you make so much sense!!! Thank you for showing me this fact! I have no idea how I will do this, or how long it will take, but the Lord will give me all the power I need!!! I have come so far, and I can only see myself going further. I have been rising to new heights, and there are still even higher places to go. There will ALWAYS be higher places to go. I will never stop learning until the day I die! And I will most likely have to learn certain lessons over and over and over and over again. But for now….I'm going to learn to love myself. I'm going to learn to see myself the way God sees me!!! And I think you should, too!!!!
Monday, February 1, 2010
*We Aren't Wild Mountain People!!!!!*
I was extremely peaceful and happy cuddled in my blankies without a care in the world. My head was off to dream world while my heated mattress pad and box fan worked together to make a beautiful masterpiece. Everything in life was at it should be and the worries of my life were cast aside. No fear of the darkness or cold, just happy, warm times. That is until I was rudely woken up with a weird, loud sound and a few sparks. My ears were no longer comforted by the sound of the fan and my body no longer felt the nurturing warmth of the heat from below. I peeked one eye open…what's going on?! Is it the end of the world?!??!?!
Yes, I do jump to dramatic conclusions on a daily basis. I popped up and heard another noise again and looked out the window…darkness!!!!!!! Quiet….to an eerie degree. More sparks…why is my room sparking up?! Why am I freezing?!?! That's when I realized the power had gone out. I waited for the generator to click in like it always does…waited…waited. Usually a generator comes on immediately, but maybe this one is faulty. Still waiting….then it hit me. We may not have one!!!! And now that I've only gotten a few hours of sleep and have been completely woken up, I AM GRUMPY!!!!! So here's what I think…
I think that the new dorms could have done WITHOUT a movie theatre, plasma screens, and automatic lights and gotten a GENERATOR!!! Maybe even a WATER FOUNTAIN!!!!!!! How about a little free hydration for once?!?! How about being sensible?!?! How about surviving!!!! We aren't wild mountain people, here!!! I'm not used to this!
Yes, I do jump to dramatic conclusions on a daily basis. I popped up and heard another noise again and looked out the window…darkness!!!!!!! Quiet….to an eerie degree. More sparks…why is my room sparking up?! Why am I freezing?!?! That's when I realized the power had gone out. I waited for the generator to click in like it always does…waited…waited. Usually a generator comes on immediately, but maybe this one is faulty. Still waiting….then it hit me. We may not have one!!!! And now that I've only gotten a few hours of sleep and have been completely woken up, I AM GRUMPY!!!!! So here's what I think…
I think that the new dorms could have done WITHOUT a movie theatre, plasma screens, and automatic lights and gotten a GENERATOR!!! Maybe even a WATER FOUNTAIN!!!!!!! How about a little free hydration for once?!?! How about being sensible?!?! How about surviving!!!! We aren't wild mountain people, here!!! I'm not used to this!
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