*God is up to good in the bad!*

January is one of the hardest months for me every single year. It's when the fun of winter has come to an end, the days are short, and all that seems to be in the future is a ton of work. Not to mention it brings back harsh memories of the past that seem to pile on and make things worse. I'm the type of person that gets really sad over small things because small things may remind me of bigger things that remind of more bigger things, and then it's just one big mess that nobody understands. That's when emotional breakdowns start to happen, which I'm sure other people (girls especially) can relate to. Sometimes I wonder why I've gone through some of the things I have and it's nights like these when my eyes are swollen shut that I have nothing left to do than to cry out to Jesus who is always there to answer.

Now, you may wonder why I am so open about things like this, but it truly is my belief that people who are vulnerable are the ones who can help other people the most. And if I'm going to have to feel this way, then I'm going to at least try to use it for a greater benefit. I refuse to let the enemy get me down without me doing something good with it!!!!!

A few minutes ago I woke up again because I've been having a really hard night. I wanted to find some sort of comfort from the Lord and it's odd what I found when I opened my bible. There was a section that was highlighted that I don't ever remember highlighting. I can't even recall having these verses imprinted in my mind, but I do realize that I was meant to read them tonight. It was all in Isaiah 53 which is quite the eye opening chapter if you ask me. It was almost as the Lord was meeting me where I was…showing me that I'm not the only one who has known sorrow. Showing me that some sorrow is part of the GOOD plan of God, and that sadness has the potential to reap so much benefit. I'm going to go ahead and type out Isaiah 53 so you will understand what I mean. Imagine me waking up with a tear stained pillow remembering back to all the times I've been rejected or betrayed literally asking God why things like this have to happen... then reading:

"3He was despised and *rejected- a man of sorrows, acquainted with bitterest grief. We turned our backs on Him and looked the other way when He went by. He was despised and we did not care. Yet it was our weakness He carried; it was our sorrows that weighed Him down.5 But He was wounded for our transgressions, crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped and we were healed! 6 All of us have strayed away like sheep. We have left God's paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on Him the sins and guilt of all.10 But it was the Lord's GOOD plan to crush Him and fill Him with grief. Yet when His life is made an offering for sin, He will have a multitude of children and many heirs. He will enjoy a long life, and the Lord's plan will prosper in His hands. 11WHEN HE SEES ALL THAT IS ACCOMPLISHED BY HIS ANGUISH, HE WILL BE SATISFIED."

Now, I am by NO means saying that I am Jesus (clearly)…..but I really think that the Lord has a message in this that is really important. The greatest good plan of God involved so much tragedy, so why wouldn't a smaller good plan involve hurt? If the greatest story of all was full of pain, why wouldn't mine, too? I really feel like the Lord is telling me that my pain will not be wasted. Maybe one day I will look back and be satisfied with what is accomplished through anything that I've been through. I can honestly say that the Lord has brought so much good out of my bad. The tough part is that I have some issues that have stemmed from the past that cause me to keep everyone at arms length and get really nervous in some social situations. Not to mention sometimes I wake up and irrationally think everyone hates me or someone is going to turn on me today. I keep people far to avoid pain which in turn makes me lonely which is painful. What a horrible cycle. If anyone is let in, it's after a long, rigorous process. I gotta make sure they will still like me even though I'm a little bit crazy. Cause anyone who REALLY knows me, knows this is true! lol I can't deny it for a second!!! But I like to think that everyone has a small ticket to the crazy train. Maybe we just have a two way ticket and go there and back…not just one way which is when you are really bad off. I like to think that since I know I'm crazy…I'm not TOO crazy. Cause truly crazy people don't realize it, right? Even though there are some aspects of me that might always be a little off, I think I can overcome a lot more than I realize, and it's nice to see that the Lord's plan is ALWAYS good.

I got this thought that maybe I get this way in the winter just so I will surely have times each year when I have nothing else to rely on but the Lord. Maybe I should be thankful for nights like these that cause me to look up and not be fine because I am satisfied through the happiness of worldly things. Maybe I don't need to kick and scream with every single hurt that comes my way. Maybe the Lord is using it to draw me to Him. And maybe…just maybe….I can stop pushing everybody away because I'm so terrified of being hurt. I'm not quite sure how to do that since it's become something that I'm really good at. It's a natural tendency at the first sign of any sort of funny business to just reject people and push them away. That way they won't get the chance to reject me. It's all messed up, I know and it comes so natural. I'm sure the enemy loves it. Which means I'm going to have to fight it. I'm not sure how, but I serve a big God who is more than able, so I'll have to count on Him. I am on the winning team, an actual Princess in the Kingdom of God (who is the most powerful thing to ever exist) so I am in a good position I would say.

-One thing that I want whoever reads this to remember that is SOOO important is that GOD IS UP TO GOOD EVEN IN TRAGEDY!!!!!!!!!!! Even when you are feeling completely hopeless and everything feels bad…he is STILL good!!!! There is nothing worse for us to go through than He has already done for us. And all that pain He went through reaped so much good!!!! Because of it, we will live in eternal paradise with Him! Perfect communion where no bad thing can ever penetrate! Not many people think this way, but this is the total truth: Even if I lost everybody I loved and lost every single worldy thing, God is big enough to use it for something good!!!!!! And if we continue to serve the Lord and live out His will even if it does involve some tragedy, then we will one day look back in Heaven and be satisfied by all that the Lord has done. What I'm saying is…it will be worth it if we do not give up and faint. Everything that the enemy means for bad, the Lord turns around and uses it for good!!!!! Lord, help me to never forget that!!!!! And help people to embrace hurt and know that your plan is good no matter how grim things may seem! And that you can turn them around and bring beauty from ashes!!! And help anyone who is going through a hard time to know…..they are NOT alone! You know exactly how they are feeling and are there to comfort them. Please, show them that, like You have clearly shown me!