*112 Pets*

The good news is, I am feeling 100% better about my quarter life crisis than I was before. Mostly because of Jesus and also because of the show "Hoarding Animals". The lady on the show lived in a trailer and had 15 cats and 97 dogs. The moment I heard that my lungs started caving in and I yelled to my friends: "I need oxygen!!!"

Not only could you not see the floor because of all the dogs, but they were pooping freely and apparently cost a TON of money. She didn't need to live the trailer life, but she chose to so her "children" would be able to live there, too. She married Bucky the love of her life who sadly died a year later….Larry was her next husband, but the pet issue became too much. Now her third husband Don is on his last leg and very unhappy with her 112 pets. He has to work two to three jobs to support them and Don is on his last limb. Calling a tv show to bring cameras into their personal life is the only way to save the failing marriage.

I tried to decide last night which would be worse: Being stuck on the Deadliest Catch boat in -49 degree weather with my life on the line everyday, or in a trailer full of 112 animals. That is a reallly hard decision to make, because both are pretty much terrible. But honestly? I think I'd choose to go out to see with the boys before I lived in a trailer with that many pets. I'd actually go out to sea before allowing a real dog to sleep in my bed with me come to think of it. But then again…the boat smells like fish and cigarettes so that is just as bad. If I had surgery to take away my sense of smell, both would be easier to cope with.

Let's just say I'm really happy with my life because I'm not in either of those situations. It could be worse…it could ALWAYS be worse.

*Relief*

I was woken up by the Lord tonight and at just the right time. Not only did I really need a word from the Lord, but I was also in the middle of a Deadliest Catch nightmare. I'm so glad to be awake at 3:42 am and not in Alaska on a Deadliest Catch boat in -49 degree weather. Me and Kate were both there and believe it or not….it was much worse than summer camp.

For the past few weeks I've been experiencing a major quarter life crisis. It's a crisis that nobody really prepares you for, because it's not really talked about. I think it's because people feel bad for having the quarter life crisis, like there's something wrong with them for feeling this way. I'm referring to the crisis that unexpectedly comes when you are coming to the end of your college career. You're trying to figure out where your life is going and realize things aren't how you thought they'd be. By now we've kinda all figured out that life is NOT like a box of chocolates, but more like a cool stream that we put our feet in only to be bitten by a large parana. Just when we feel secure and have life finally figured out…that little parana takes a bite out of our toe again and we feel like we don't know anything anymore. All of the optimists out there tell me life's a dance, you learn as you go….but dancing has always been fun to me. Life is not fun all the time. Let's just stop with saying all the right things for a minute and tell it like it is….every human being has times when life just feels BAD. Even when our life appears to be looking pretty good.

If you are looking for a cheesy cliche line that will make you feel good about life, that isn't coming today. I highly doubt you will ever hear anything like that from me. Cheesy lines about dreams and how life is like a wonderful day at the beach….not really my aim. My aim is to actually tell it like it is, not just make you feel good for two seconds of your life. I'm not here to make you believe everyone else but you feels like life is a box of chocolates. People feel like they are the only ones with hard times, because we upload all of our happy photos and freely throw out cute little quotes without actually talking about what's going on. We all give so much energy to make others feel like we have it together and are "LIVING,LAUGHING, and LOVING!" even when we don't always have it together. There are definitely times in life that ARE great and fun, but sometimes life IS hard. That is just a fact. But bare with me, because I am not bringing tidings of only negativity….there is HOPE by the end of all this.

Until tonight I haven't been able to freely talk to the Lord because I've felt very guilty for being in the funk I've been in lately. I feel like logically I have been very blessed and the Lord has given me more than I need. I feel kinda embarassed and wrong for admitting I feel this way. But emotionally, I'm discouraged and experiencing a taste of my quarter life crisis. I'm scared to be an adult, but I'm tired of being a child. I'm not sure at all what my life will look like and that is a scary feeling. My funk has not been pretty, but it's been there non-the-less. It's time I come to terms with the fact that my life may not look the way I was so sure it would look all those years growing up. I am on the edge of my adulthood and I will go into adulthood alone. I'm on the edge of adulthood and I feel more unsure than ever about my competencies. I figured once I was adult all my fear would just go away….adults seemed so brave, but I don't feel very brave. I feel scared to death!!! I'm glad I can't go back and tell my child self all this, cause I'd probably pass out from stress. I was supposed to be married two years ago and already have my first kid and be super awesome. I wanted my life to be just like my moms, but God has a different plan for us all. And no matter what someone's life looks like on the outside, we are all in a fallen world and have struggles of our own. Nobody gets outta this place without a little heartache. And if you are a drama queen like me…a little heartache can feel like an earthquake. That's one bad thing about having such a "passionate" personality. haha

My funk was much worse considering I was getting really tired of hiding the way I'm feeling and trying to say and do the right things even when I was praying. Again…my quarter life crisis is not really justified I don't think, because I am so blessed and therefore whining to God about it seemed wrong. That's what makes it even worse! I should be the happiest kid on the block! Or adult on the block….I really don't know what I am!!! See?! Identity crisis galore! Students think I'm an old lady, but old people think I'm a kid. Who am I? What am I? I am old to most college kids, but young to the people actually living in the real world. It's like a Junior high confused phase all over again!!!!

The good news is tonight I got some relief when I realized I was believing a lie about the Lord. I thought that He would be disappointed in me for feeling this way and want me to come to Him with only happy words because that's what He deserves. But no…He doesn't want to just hear my happy words. He wants to hear my heart…the good, the bad, the ugly. When I was woken up a few minutes ago, I felt like I was supposed to open this book I haven't even looked at in a long time. I opened it up randomly to these words:

"The One to whom we pray knows our feelings. He knows temptation. He has felt discouraged. He has been hungry and sleepy and tired. He knows what we feel like when the alarm clock goes off. He nods in understanding when we pray in anger. He is touched when we tell Him there is more to do than can be done. He wants us to confess our weariness. He, too, was human. He wants us to know that he, too, knew the drone of the humdrum and the weariness that comes with long days."

I felt so much relief after reading this…a relief I've been really needing to feel for a couple of weeks now. I felt the Holy Spirit so distinctly while I read and a lightbulb went off in my head about the lie I'd been believing. I'd been so scared to tell the Lord how I was truly feeling and been caught up in doing what I thought was the right thing. I felt I was supposed to just be "spiritual" and play the "God is enough so I should always be happy" card. The bible says that Jesus was a man of many sorrows….if we are always supposed to have it together and be full fledged excited about life, then why would Jesus of begged God to take away the day of His death if there was any way? Does that sound like He was completely gung ho with a smile on His face about God's will for Him??? Not really…sounds like He poured out His heart to the Lord and was discouraged hardcore. Crying out to the Lord didn't change God's plan, but it did show that we are able to talk to the Lord with our innermost thoughts and feelings. I think He'd rather have the realness of that than the holy words we are "supposed" to say. And Jesus was given the power He needed to do God's will. It wasn't always pretty and it wasn't always fun……but in the end it was DEFINITELY best I would say. We have an inheritance to the Kingdom of Heaven because of that plan for Jesus, and I know He'd agree it was worth it.

After I read that paragraph, I felt like the floodgates had finally opened and I just told the Lord how I truly felt. A few minutes later I had a realization that I hadn't had before…."Jesus, You were once my age on this earth weren't you? What was it like?" and I heard that small voice inside of me that had been drowned out by fear say very clearly: "It was hard." I couldn't help but smile….He's not up in Heaven looking down on my discouragement with anger, but with understanding. That wasn't it, though. Of course it wasn't! He is a God of hope. Do you know what He said next? "The power that helped me make it through my life of many sorrows is the same power available to you."

Relief. Relief that I'm not being judged for how I feel. Relief that I'm not condemned when my emotions get out of control. Relief that I was only believing a lie about God that wasn't true. Relief that He would rather see the broken sides of me than those perfect holy words that sound amazing. God is not a God who is up in the sky watching us from afar…No…He is like a father who kneels down to be on the same level as a child. He is a father that is willing to get blood on His hands when we have a skinned knee. He is a God who is willing to have tears and snot on His shoulder on those nights that we feel hopeless. He is going through every feeling and situation in our lives with us and understands us completely. Not only that, He is there to hold us up by our right hand and rescue us from all our trials. He brings us hope that one day things will be perfect, and the life we have longed for will come to pass through eternity.

God is not here to judge….He is here to give us hope in a world that feels hopeless sometimes. He understands being discouraged. He understands the quarter life crisis. Let's stop just trying to be all holy, and actually talk to the Lord with some real words in order to get the help and power we need. Admitting we are broken and discouraged opens up doors for the Lord to help and comfort. And we need His help and comfort.

*I needed a point*

I started to suspect during a College class last year that I might be special. It hadn't really crossed my mind before, because my parents have always treated me like a prodigy. "I am proud of you!" they would say all the time. I'd search my brain to see what I could have done to be proud of. My C in math? Talking too much in class? Notes picked up and thrown away by an angry teacher? I know it couldn't of been my awards or sports endeavors, because those had all failed miserably. Even so, my parents were very proud of my "Personality". Mom used to say:"Even if you don't do well in school and are not athletic, the most important thing is that you are friendly and kind and love Jesus!"

So I kept living life up until last year thinking I was quite normal…nothing out of the ordinary. That is until we started learning how to deal with special students in our class that needed something different. There were scenerios we went through and one day the student she was speaking of sounded EXACTLY like me. "I think I might be special!!!!" I said out loud to the class. Everyone was laughing and thinking I was kidding, but I wasn't. I was being very serious. I was that little Johnny we were speaking of, and I needed something different.

There were only so many times I could sing a Shirley Method song without wanting to throw myself out the window. There was only so long I could sit there without bouncing in my chair or getting up to look at the fish. Apparently these were bad things, but my teacher didn't seem to understand. What she wanted to do was the bad thing to me! It was a crime….getting out of my chair to look at the fish was so much more interesting and fun than having to read my leveled books. Me and my twin were the only ones stuck on level one. All of the other kids would brag and carry on about what color they were on. I was stuck at the beginners level and can still feel the frustration i'd get every time. I'd cry because I really had no idea what was going on and my teacher was really scary. Not to mention the first level was not even a cute color, it was a drab color. The pretty colors I liked came after you had mastered the yucky colors. I stopped caring about school when I realized I couldn't keep up with the other kids. What was the point of feeling miserable and inadequate? What was the point of doing things that made me cry all the time and realize how dumb I was? I could see a lot of point in getting out of my chair and enjoying life trying to further my friendships. That was MUCH more important than giving the type A personalities their fix by letting me know how much better they were than me. It's all about perspective and priorities. My priorities were completely different than my teacher's were and most of the other students come to think of it. I needed a point…a reason to do what I was doing that I never got. Therefore, my mind was elsewhere.

I can now see some of my students having different priorities than me, but I can understand them in a lot of ways. What goes around certainly comes around! But at least I can remember what I felt and feel a little empathy. When I teach, I'm going to make sure I let my class know the reasons why we do what we do. I'm going to make sure that the students like me never have to stay in the dark or feel unsafe when they are not at the same level as other students. I might have lost all of my motivation for school that I carried through my entire life because of one year in elementary school. My first year of school really shaped how I feel about school, and it was a bad experience. That gives me a lot of reason to do my best and keep moving forward through this year. And i'll try to keep an open mind and not just think that my priorities are the only priorities. Sometimes you just gotta let someone bounce in their chair and keep livin life. Maybe that bounce every once in a while gets them by. Or maybe they are just looking for a point.

*All up in your business*

A true best friend is all up in your business. Earlier today I put a six page letter I got on my bed to put somewhere else a little later. I was running to get to my Monday night TV, so I figured it'd be fine there for a while. Well, in the middle of one commercial I said I had to go write a thank you message to the person who had sent me the letter. Turns out my best friend Kate knew exactly what I was talking about when I said this. I curiously looked at her as we had this conversation:
"How do you know? Did you read the letter on my bed?"-Me
"Uh, YES! It was six pages long, of course I was gonna look!"-Kate
"Oh, okay! Does this mean I can rummage through your room, too?"-Me
"Of course."-Kate

There are no secrets between us that is for certain. We are all up in each other's business and I think it's a good thing. I love it that I have someone in my life who would be curious enough to go through my mail. That's actually really sweet if you think about it. If it were me in the same situation, I'd love her enough to do the same. I'd love a lot of people enough to do the same, actually. :)

Speaking of being all up in each others business…today we had a dinner conversation about how we sometimes get our nosy sides fed through "prayer request time." If someone is going through juicy drama, all you gotta say is"How can I pray for you…tell me in DETAIL" and it somehow makes it okay. You can find all the latest gossip in a prayer circles a lot of times, don't you worry about that one! I might be the only one bold enough to admit that fact, but we all know it's true.

*Kamp Letters-Oh, the horror*

My parents have never said that I am the black sheep of the family, but I have questioned that at times. I guess it's because I've been the reason for more advil than any of the other kids, and I think you'll get a better idea of what I mean in a minute. Again…mom and dad would never say that….feel free to decide for yourself which child caused the most grief after you read this. *Disclaimer* (I know many people love Kanakuk, so don't be offended by what I say. It's only my opinion and does not reflect the camp as a whole. It only reflects the camp in my world, and this blog is a glimpse into my world as the words at the top explain.)

When I was 15 years old I went to Kanakuk and had the most horrific 2 weeks of my life. To let my parents know about my dire circumstances, I wrote them this letter::

Hey Mom and Dad!
How are you? Let me just say I am NEVER coming here again. It's the worst. I cry myself to sleep every night. My counselor is such a dud. I've never seen her smile once and she is ALL about the rules. Our other two counselors are nice, but they have no idea what's going on. I don't have many friends. No one in our cabin is talkative what-so-ever! I have never been so bug bitten in my life! Our cabins are infested with chiggers. I have living things on my body itching and all in my bed!!! I'd rather be in jail than here right now. At least the inmates have air conditioning and water. Will you come pick me up now?!?!?! Katelind hates it so much, she's losing weight fast and can't help it! We exercise ALL THE TIME!!!! Mom, Dad…I'm dying here. NEVER AGAIN. You can't pay me to come back! I miss ya'll so much! I have to go back to hell, frankly. GOOD-BYE! Be thankful you aren't here!!! Oh, how the days DRAAAG. AHHH!!! -Abby
P.S. Pray for me A LOT! LIKE A LOT!!!! I am contemplating cutting off my leg!!!!!!


Now here is a letter my little brother sent from the SAME kamp:


Hey Mom and dad,
I am having a blast at kamp. I am not in a cabin with anyone I know, but I am making some great friends. I went on the huge slide today and it was so much fun. I was sitting here thinking how I am blessed with such good parents. I love ya'll so much. I miss ya'll, but I am not homesick. I love you and I'll see you in two weeks! -Pug
P.S. My counselors are great and I am in good hands so don't worry!


I mean….there is a stark difference in the stress level of these children I would say. I realize that I might have been a LITTLE dramatic, but I needed to get a point across. My mom was very angry at me when she picked me up because she said it made her worry too much and there was nothing she could do. Apparently it was cruel to send that letter home, but I was just sending out an SOS. Ask Katelind…she had to make it through those two weeks with me. We will never forget how much they made us run up a huge hill in the sun with only bad tasting water awaiting us. It should be called fat camp if you ask me!!! Many people swear by Kanakuk, which is great for them. But if you have no athletic abilities or talent and hate the outdoors…a sports camp is not for you. Just sayin.

Which child would you get more stress from????? Mom and dad can claim there is no blacksheep in the family, but that doesn't fool me! Just kidding... I really don't think there is a blacksheep, but you definitely can't get any better than my brother on the writing home thing. But in my defense, he is athletic and everyone loves him and he excels at whatever he does. One of my students asked me what I was good at the other day and I said "Well, I don't really know." Then he went through a list: "Basketball?" no "Softball?" no "Grades?" no "Singing?" no "Math?" no "Driving?" no "Cooking?" no….."Eating?" Yes. Then my student said very sweetly: "Well, there ya go! You ARE good at something….eating!"

Oh, my life.

*Shocking Status'*

There are things I find so shocking in my newsfeed on facebook. This is not a complaint or critique, just an observation. I personally do not communicate intimidate details of my heart via fb status', but who am I to judge the ones that do? I sometimes wonder if some people have lost their phones, because it appears that a few people have their intimate conversations typed out through status changes. My nosy side enjoys it for sure, but I also feel tired after reading some of the drama. It's amazing what people will spill to the world!!! I have a few examples of what I'm talking about, but they are not REAL examples. People who have these types of things on their fb page are probably in denial and have no idea i'm talking about them, so I won't make anyone aware. That would be just plain rude. We all live in our own little world with our own views of the universe that helps us sleep at night. It's always the other person, right? I may even be the pot calling the kettle black right now, but ignorance is bliss, my friend!!! Anyway…back to the shocking status' I'm speaking of.

First we have your classic status from a boy who has just been cheated on by his lover and the only way to communicate is through a fb status. It's all he can do to the find the right words…he shakes as he types:
"I love you deeply and my heart is bleeding over our love lost. It was my fault we kept fighting about your mom who stalks me, but I was wrong. I forgive you for cheating last Thursday at 6:17 pm. I need you. I am crying on my pillow. My pillow is very, very damp tonight."

Next we have the daughter who has just been in a huge fight with her mom. The mother has told her that she needs to stop laying around all day and get a job. The girl does the first thing that comes to mind and gets her fb status ready!:
"My mother is a crazed lunatic!!!! Tell all your friends! PLEASE! She wants me to get a job, can you BELIEVE that?! Comment and tell me how i'm completely in the right."

Another status that is always quite entertaining to me are the ones from the over the top relationships that are glad to share every intimate detail of their love life:
"Today me and my lifelong love kissed and realized our lives are perfect. We talked about how we were going to spend forever together and he even gave me twelve roses for the twelve reasons why I'm the perfect girl. Baby, I love you. I'm the luckiest girl in the world!!! And it's even more true because I just put it on this fb status."

Then you have the status that makes you worry about the cell phones that have clearly been destroyed in a terrible accident, because fb status is the only way to communicate at this time:
"You should think twice before you say something like that to me. I am so hurt by you!"
"You are the reason I smile when I wake up in the morning. What you said to me last night made my heart smile."
"You need to realize how you make me feel….i am always here, waiting for you to come around."
"You were my best friend but now you stole my boyfriend for the last time!"
(First of all...who is "you"…if you are making it that public anyway, don't leave me hanging! And second of all…call "You" and talk to them yourself!!!! It's easier that way!)


Honestly, I change my fb status like three times a day, so I could make a whole blog making fun of my own self. Just sayin. That is all for now.

*Five Non-negotiables*

**Disclaimer** I am usually not a fan of writing things like this, but I feel like it's important!!! I am not as mooshy gooshy as this comes off, but this is good advice that I think is worth following. I firmly believe in everything this says.

My grandpa gave me a sermon by Tommy Nelson that really gives some great insight and advice to anyone who is single out there. It reminded me how much waiting is truly worth it, because it may be lonely to be single, but it's MUCH worse to be married and lonely. Settling for a life partner is NOT an option. I don't care how dire the situation may seem, NEVER SETTLE. We need to believe and trust the Lord to bring the right person and not try to force things ourselves stamping the Lord's name on it! I have seen many people unknowingly ruin their lives on their wedding day because they didn't think about these five IMPORTANT things. This sermon has come at the perfect time for me because I've been tempted to let out feelings for guys that are definitely not lining up with these five points. I mean, having a twin sister married does not come without it's panicky moments! Mary-Kate and Ashley always had a man at the same time, so wouldn't I, too? haha But let me tell you this…. no matter how many times I'm a third wheel and feel as though i'll never find anyone, settling is NOT an option. And I truly hope you feel the same way! No matter how emotionally draining it can be, stick to what you know is right. I think the Lord will bless us for it!

*Five Non-negotiables*

1.) You and the person must be in complete theological unity. Your perception of God must be the exact same. This means that the person must not just be a Christian, you should completely be one minded in everything theologically. Our perception of who God is drives our decisions and the way we view the world. How can a marriage be in union if you view the whole universe in a different way? In my own life, I couldn't marry a man who puts God inside a box. I need someone who is truly driven by the Holy Spirit and knows that there is much more to experience with Christ than merely religion! Church drives me crazy because it's so superficial sometimes!!! I need a man who understands what I'm saying when I tell Him how I felt the Holy Spirit and how He moves in my life. Someone who believes and knows that there is a major spiritual battle going on and we need to fight daily! Superficial Christianity….not gonna be in my equation. But he can't be legalistic! I make the legalistic Christians out there stare with their mouths open in shock. I am not by any means your cliche Christian nor will I ever be. But theology….it HAS to HAS to be the same. You gotta make sure EVERY aspect matches up! Not just some of it!!!!!

2.) You must have complete moral unity. If you have a man or woman who lives life for the flesh even though he/she can recite the gospels and give a time of their testimony, we've got a problem! It doesn't matter if they attend church every Sunday, have religious fb status', or can talk your ear off about the Lord all day long. DO they keep their word? WHAT do they do with their Friday nights? Who do they hang around with? Do they settle for lower moral standards to please their flesh? AGAIN being "a Christian" is NOT enough. THAT IS SO IMPORTANT!!!!!!! Listen to this next sentence because it is crucial you hear it: **** If a man is superficial with God you have NO GUARANTEE that he is going to maintain the values he had on your wedding day.**** Many of men have tooted their religious horns loudly to win over the woman they love. Trust me, that has happened to me on a few occasions!!! So I know that's true! IF he likes to go out and drink the night away yet has "given his life to Jesus", that's a red flag. The man or woman MUST be of the same moral character! Watch how he/she treats their family…make sure in their single lives they have not created an illusion or diversion to make things 'easier'.
***illusion- Goes to church, sing the songs, quote the verses, but deep in the heart not following Christ.
***Diversion- Going to people, relationships, things and not dealing with true heart issues. Must know how to stand alone with only God at their side.

3.) Your future mate has to be of ministerial unity with you. Are you going in the same direction? Are the ways you spend your time and what you feel is important in union? A woman who is following hard after Christ cannot marry a man who simply wants to make a million by 30. Her values are in a completely different place. You must come together running the same direction. Do you have to move your values and dreams to force yourself to fit with that person? Are your goals different or are they the same? If you are single, don't just sit there and wait around for that life partner, keep moving on with your life and go towards your passions. "If you are running in a certain direction and out of the corner of your eye you see someone running that same way, it's worth a second look." (that cheesy line was by the guy, not me….although I am guilty of cheesy lines at times.)

4.) You must have a genuine passion and attraction to the person. If a pastor asks you: "How is your sexual purity" and you say "Great! We have no temptations." there is a major problem there! Keeping pure should be a fight and a battle, and should NOT come easily. If there is no passion or chemistry the marriage is going to end up being really hard. You can't just marry your best friend, you have to marry your best friend who you find irresistible! But you must make sure not to give into your passion and fall into pre-marital sexual sin. This is like striking a match in knee deep kerosene. A lasting relationship will need to build coals in order to keep "burning" for an entire lifetime. Some people are just using lighter fluid and lasting a lot longer than they would if they didn't bring sexual sin into the relationship. Relationships like that often end up like this: "A good deal, becomes an ordeal, becomes a new deal." VERY TRUE. Purity is SO important!!!! But it should be hard to stay that way! If it's easy….that's not good. If you can sit in a house alone for five hours and just talk with no kind of temptation…probably not the perfect fit for you!

5.) You must be in social unity. This means that you should enjoy doing the same types of things as the other person. What you like and what interests you should be a lot alike. I guess for me personally that means I can't marry a rustic mountain man who can't get enough of rock climbing. I also would be unhappy with an excercise-o-holic! Those types drive me crazy! If you love to go to the beach and your mate can't stand the feel of sand, it's gonna be rough. You need to like the same things! Of course, girls and guys are different so there will be obvious differences in interest. If your husband likes to do ballet and shop for make-up as much as you do, there may be an even bigger problem. So, obviously you will not be alike in everything. But"To the degree that you and your mate are socially opposite, you better balance it out with the same degree of flexibility and holiness." After you get married you are not number one any longer! You must do what pleases your mate…and having the same hobbies and interests makes this a lot easier.

At the beginning of the sermon it was talking about how men and women get into their mid to late twenties and sometimes panic and settle for someone who is not a good fit. But a lot of times settling ends up putting people in a much worse place than they ever could be single! Like I said before, we must learn to trust God and believe that He is capable of bringing the right person. We don't think about these five things when we are completely in love with a smooth talking man. When our hearts are pounding and all we see are stars, this doesn't exactly cross our minds. But it NEEDS to. We must never settle no matter what. And you know what else??? We need to make sure we are the type of person that is going to line up with the man we want. I know that is said a lot, but do we REALLY take that advice? Are we the woman who a Godly man would be blessed to be with? (so cliche, I know! but a good cliche,right?) Are WE making illusions and diversions in our single life? I know I have!

I hope some of you got as much out of this as I did. Not gonna lie, I got kinda nervous because I've never met a guy that has been even close to connecting with me on all these points. Maybe two or three at best! Me finding the perfect match for me will truly be a miracle! But no matter how hard it may seem to wait and not settle, it will be worth it. :) If I'm thirty and get desperate and start settling for some strange man…kick me and remind me of what I just wrote! I'm not perfect! haha

*ALL OUT WAR!!!!*

I have just experienced a very dramatic encounter with an enormous spider, and I feel as though I've just run fifteen miles because of it. I am pretty much scarred for life, but I am willing to tell the tale. I think it will help me to recover by sharing my story. The words I'm about to say are hard, because it means reliving a traumatic moment, but time will heal this wound.

I taught bugology this summer and made all my children say each day "A bugologist never kills a bug" so I tell this story with a tinge of regret. Not enough that I wouldn't do the same thing again, though. I have definitely violated the bugologist code and I know a few kids who would be heartbroken over it. I thought I had come to friendship status with spiders, but that's before they decided to declare war on me in my own home. For the past few weeks I have seen a spider in my shower at least every other day. They started out as really small spiders, and the first time I even let it go. The second time, I was just a little annoyed so I smashed it, i'll admit that. The next day I panicked because I was washing my hair in the faucet and looked over to see a vengeful friend of the dead spider right next to my cheek. That's when I realized I didn't want these spiders around anymore. Me seeing them is one thing, them hiding and jumping out at me…that's another.

I've killed about ten spiders by this point and I regret to inform you that Molly and Logan had a spider waiting on their pillow when they visited home this weekend. It's getting OUT OF CONTROL!!!!! A few days have passed without any sitings, but tonight things have taken a turn for the worst. The largest and angriest spider I have ever seen was chilling in the corner of my roof above my shower. It was the mack daddy of all spiders…legs spread out to make it all the more creepier. Everyone is asleep so there's nobody to scream for which was a really disheartening thing to realize. I took a seat in indian style on the floor and just kinda looked at the guy wondering what I should do. I was so tired that I almost felt like forgetting about it, but the thought of a morning shower with a huge monster waiting for me was not appealing. There was only one thing to do.

My first thought was that I needed to throw something at it to get it down so I could reach it…if I was lucky, it'd die from the fall. I picked up my hair dryer to throw, but luckily thought about how dumb that would be before I chunked it. Then I picked up my hair brush, but that wouldn't work either. What if the remains are brushed through my hair or something? I placed the hairbrush back on the counter and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My hair was on top of my head in a bun and it was not the best look for me to tell you the truth. I took a time out to brush my hair and make it look good before I resumed my war. Once my hair looked great, I gave myself a smile in the mirror and then quickly looked away meaning business once again. It makes no sense to brush my hair considering nobody is going to see me, but that's what I did. In all honesty…that's what I do almost every night. haha

Finally I picked up something I wouldn't mind ruining…a roll of toilet paper. The first roll completely missed the spider because I'm terrible at aim. Then I took another roll and finally got a little bit of a hit…only problem was, the spider completely disappeared after that. It seemed like the roll had killed him and all I really had to do was check to see underneath to make sure the dastardly deed was done. It took me a while to gain the courage, because I wasn't sure if he was somewhere else and was going to come down on my hair. Because really…when I hit him, I kinda closed my eyes in fear. Smart, I know.

I finally got enough courage after I put a towel over my head for protection. My hair dryer did come in handy because I used the cord to bang against the rolls of toilet paper to see if the spider was underneath. Frighteningly enough, he was nowhere to be found. How does something THAT big get lost?! I was in over my head. I realized it was about to be an all out war.

Because I had no idea where the spider had gone, I jumped back to the other side of the bathroom to think through my next battle plan. I grabbed a basket and dumped everything out to use as a trap. I stayed back with the towel still over my head; hands clutching the basket tightly. I crouched down like the crouching would actually help something and started to laugh at myself because of how ridiculous I was being. But the laughter came to an abrupt halt when I saw movement. I ran and smashed the basket down over what I thought was the spider but when I lifted the basket up, I was very horrified to see that it was not underneath. The movement was just my overactive imagination.

Breathing fast I slowly moved my head from side to side to see if I could find him. I noticed I strange shape out of the corner of my eye, and surely enough it was the killer spider hiding underneath the soap dish!!!! "GOD! Why on earth did you make spiders so stealthy?!" I mean seriously…….spiders would be so much easier to love if they didn't make dramatic entrances from the ceiling like Nsync or hide in the crevices like a pack of creeps!

Once spotting the spider, I knew exactly what I had to do. I had to bring a high heel into the mix! No spider (or man for that matter) is a match for a handy high heel. I ran to my closet with towel still on my head and came back with my favorite heel. I smacked that big spider until I was tired of smacking, but would you believe it?!?! HE WAS STILL ALIVE AND MOVING!!!!!!!! I had to smash him some more and kinda follow him as he walked.

I am NOT okay!!!! I have been in an all out war.

*Redneck Riviera*

Last night I was expecting a relaxing cruise down the river to watch fireworks, but I ended up stumbling into the biggest redneck fest of my life. As I walked on to the boat I noticed something peculiar... I was surrounded by mullets and cigarettes and old women dressed in "sexy" apparel to show off their finest tats. One man was dressed as an american flag with a lady in a sparkly mid drift top right beside him. Did I mention they were around fifty eight years old? The word "cruise" was very misleading and so was the word "buffet".

When the captain announced through the loud speaker that everyone was only allowed one trip to the buffet, I googled it to make sure he was right about that. As the family walked to the line, Logan and dad started coming up with strategies on how to get the most food on the plate in one trip. They suggested lining up the sides of the plate like a big wall, and then piling food in the middle. I was laughing too hard about the suggestion that I never really got enough focus to try it out.

Before hand I looked at the menu and realized I didn't really like much of it, so I tried to build myself up to get enough courage to get TWO rolls instead of one. I knew it was against the rules, but I felt like we paid enough for me to have two rolls regardless. Rolls are usually the best parts about buffet's, anyway. Let's face it….buffets are usually mediocre at best and leave you beggin' for mercy by night fall.

I knew my brother was going to try to get two rolls, so I was watching him to see what he was going to do. The meat man was at the end of the table staring us down like he knew what we were up to. I watched pug with anticipation as he made it to the basket lined with white lenin, full of our forbidden rolls. He looked at the chef, then quickly ran away leaving with only ONE roll. WHAT?! I was losing my courage and fast. I ended up only grabbing one roll and walked to the table with disappointment in each step. "I wish I had enough guts to get a second roll" I said to Kate as I sat down. Next thing I know, I see Pug's plate full of rolls…apparently he had run up again when I wasn't looking and slipped his hand in really quick to grab one. At that point,I knew what I had to do. I had to stop being a wimp and get up there!!!!!

I slowly and nonchalauntly crept up to the buffet table leaving all inhibitions to the wind. I was a rebel in that moment, and it scared me to DEATH. I used my catlike quickness and grabbed a roll with one hand and started to run back to the table smashing into my older brother and a man along the way. When I got back to my seat I felt so much relief…that was the scariest experience I've had in a long time. "This is forbidden, Kate!" I said…she looked back at me with a gleam in here eye and said: "I'm about to be a little forbidden,too." and the next thing I know she's doing the same thing I just did! By this time the chefs had see our rebellion and began pointing at us and talking amongst themselves. One man mouthed "rolls" as he looked at our table in disgust. I didn't care…..the forbidden roll happened to be the best roll I'd ever tasted. Even better than the one I was allowed to eat.

After the "buffet" and I use that word VERY lightly, we went outside for our true redneck experience. There were a few too many that had a few too many and whooping and hollerin about EVERYTHING was a must. Old and young alike came together with their cigs,boondock hair dos, and revealing styles. The point of no return was probably when I looked over and saw the man dressed as an american flag flying down the hand rails with his wife in the sparkly mid drift top not far behind. Can I mention AGAIN that they were around fifty eight years old? Then I heard my brother say "Woa! They look suspicious." and I seriously think I saw my first imbred family. The couples rarely looked like a fit and it was quite normal to see a man half the size of his woman. But love comes in all forms, so no judgements here. I am really bad about staring, so my sister had to tell me a few times to be less obvious and to close my mouth. Speaking of mouths…a man's set of teeth almost fell out on me…

An enormous moth got stuck in my eyeball during the firework show. I was watching the sky without a care, when I was unexpectedly attacked by the flying creature. I looked to my left and right and both people were shocked at what they saw. The HUGE bug was halfway in my eye and halfway out….stuck in my mascara. We even have a video from one of the camera's that has pretty fireworks and all the sudden my sister screams "AHHH! There's a bug in Abby's eye!!!!"….And there certainly was. I didn't see much for the rest of the night.

All things considered….I think this fourth will probably stick with me for QUITE sometime.

*Lost Earring and Talent*

I lost one of my earrings two days ago and spent about twenty minutes of the day trying to find it. While I was searching, I kept stepping on something really sharp which made the lost ear ring that much more annoying. Nothing like a hurt foot to heighten your irritability. I searched high and low, through every drawer, underneath my bead…everywhere. My foot was throbbing and the earring was nowhere in site. I was about to give up the search, but decided to look through my make-up bag one more time. On my way there I ended up stepping on something sharp AGAIN. "AHHH!" I screamed out loud to myself…. half from the pain and half from frustration. That was the last time..I was determined to get rid of whatever it was. I made sure to keep my foot in the same spot and slowly lifted it up so I wouldn't miss what was underneath. Laying there in the shadow of my raised foot was……..my ear ring. Smart, Abby. REALLY smart.

I didn't end up wearing that pair of ear rings because I wasn't ready to lose them again. So really, I wasted twenty minutes of my life, but at least I'm not hurting my foot any longer.

We went to the lake all day yesterday to celebrate the fourth of July. I must say…I have become quite proficient at being the third wheel. (Or the fifth wheel in yesterdays case). I may not have many talents, but being the third/fifth wheel is something I am an expert at. Can I put that on my resume? On list of talents I don't have much, so maybe I can add that to the list? Surely it will help me further myself in some way as most talents do.

Anyway, Happy July 4th, people! :) This is one of my favorite Holidays. We are going on a river cruise tonight downtown to eat and watch fire works. Kate's boyfriend can't make it, so i won't be a wheel of any sort. Not that i mind, I just am getting so good at it that I don't want to make onlookers jealous of my skills is all.

*Worth it*

There's this little boy that I bonded with in particular that left today to go to Aspen for the rest of the summer. When he was giving me a final hug, I really had to try hard not to show how sad it made me that he was leaving. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling kinda sad now. I can't believe just how easily some of these kids can get into my heart. It makes me feel pretty vulnerable.

I remember the moment I realized him and I were truly friends. We were riding on the bus back from the museum and a drop of water from the condensation above landed on my face. He told me a few minutes earlier that it was going to fall on me, and I argued that it wouldn't. Then it fell down, and his eyes immediately caught mine with a sparkle that said "I told you so". At that point, we both started laughing and laughing until we couldn't stop, and when we finally caught our breath, he grabbed my arm and used it to hide his tickled face. Then we both made eye contact and crinkled our noses at the same time as if on cue. From then on we were pretty much buds. No going back from there.

As I watched him walk out the door for the last time today, it made me start thinking. Love has some downsides to it, and the feeling I got when he left is definitely one of those i'm speaking of. But, even though there is some hurt and vulnerability and sometimes loss, it's worth it. And I figure being a teacher, I'll have to get used to the fact that I'll be watching kids who grab my heart leave every year. It will hurt, and I will cry, but it won't stop me from loving again. It won't stop me from working hard and being really tired every night just for those few priceless moments.

I don't have the time to write about it right now, but there's a story about a boy named Miguel that I may write another time. When we had to separate it took a big toll on me, and most people who know me pretty well have heard of little Miguel. He was one of my students when I was at my other college. I cried to my mom about how much I missed him and how I wished I could keep up with him. She just told me that I should pray for him so maybe he will become a believer and we can play together again. I know that sounds really mooshy and hallmarkish, but it made me feel better none-the-less. I am a girl…we need our hallmark thoughts, okay?!

I'm definitely gonna add this new little boy to my prayer list. That's the cool thing about praying for people. It makes me feel connected to them even when we are apart. Even when they have no idea.

Well…time for me to go to bed. Cause I may be missing him and a little sad…but the fact of the matter is,people come and go, but life moves forward anyway. And that means I need my rest for another long day tomorrow. A day filled with kids that I still have time with, and that's what I'm going to focus on now.