*Going Back*

*I really hope this can help/give encouragement to anyone who has struggled with hanging on to hurts from the past! Jesus CAN heal us!!!! He can do so much more than we imagined possible!*

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I woke up early Saturday morning with this major urge to go back to the place that has been haunting me recently. From my last blog, it was obvious that things were coming back and I now know why that is. It was time for me to face everything from years ago so that I could move forward in my todays. God is up to BIG things in my life and I don't want anything to stand in my way. I'm in a Beth Moore "Breaking Free" bible study that has been SO amazing and it just so happens this week's homework was on facing our past. Definitely not a coincidence.

I grabbed my workbook and headed out the door to travel to the town that I haven't been back to in three years. I didn't think I'd ever go back, but to move forward I really needed to. I prayed that the Lord would show up and show me how to put to rest all of the things inside of me that bring out negativity because of my past. I prayed that somehow He would show me how to let it go and show me the good that He has promised to do from it. All the insecurity that I haven't been able to shake has got to get a move on and FAST! It's God's will that we live as secure people with healthy hearts and minds not fogged up from situations in our life's rear view mirror. I knew inside that I had to go back in order to move ahead.

I drove up to the campus and instead of feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness, I felt an overwhelming sense of "where in the world am I?!"…I didn't recognize the place at all and I bet it didn't recognize me, either. I did remember my old dorms, so I kinda drove around and let all the memories flood back, but in all honesty, I didn't have many come to mind except for the ones I've beat like a dead horse. Everything seemed so normal…so ordinary and not like the nightmare I had pictured it. Our brains have a way of making things so much worse than they are, don't they? I just kinda sat there and stared wondering why I let this place haunt me for so long. Why did I let college aged people help decide what I think my worth should be? Why would I ever let a person decide?

I ended up dong my bible study on a picnic table outside my first dorm room window. It couldn't of been more relevant and it was about Jesus being our Healer and how He has come to bind up the broken hearted. He has come to save us from those moments when our hearts have burst into pieces and we never thought they could be mended again. He has come to bring light to what was once darkness. He has come to make all things new.

The Lord really showed Himself so clearly and His Spirit was there in such a real way. I have been praying constantly everyday that the Lord will give me a security so deep that no one or no situation can shake. I went through some of the things that made me feel so unimportant and worthless and prayed to God through them all. He showed me that no matter who doesn't like me or who rejects me that my beauty and worth is unchanging. Every person on this earth could turn their backs on me, but I am still as valuable and full of dignity as ever because the Lord has crowned me with these things. Going through those moments that should have hurt so bad was not even hard at all in the light of this truth. I have never felt more secure in my life because the fact was, I was rethinking about things that should break me, and all I felt was confidence and security. I was full of unshakeable dignity even while thinking of times when our human nature would feel the opposite. Being able to feel secure in the moments when most people can't is the most empowering thing I've ever experienced.

Once I was done with my bible study, I got in the car and a song that I've never heard from Hillsong came on singing this:

"So I throw my life upon all You are,
‘Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever"

It really spoke to my heart so much. I could see myself literally throwing my past and future out of my hands and into His. And the neat thing was, I started imagining Heaven with Him forever and everything just kind of faded away. It reminded me that when that day comes, NONE of my disappointments or trials in this life will even be on my mind at all. It will fade away for good and the only thing that will matter is the love story I'll be living out for eternity. Suddenly my past didn't seem so big anymore….suddenly it actually seemed pretty small. ALL my problems seemed pretty small in the light of eternity.

God has supernaturally changed my thoughts and feelings towards some of those days which is an absolute miracle. I can't explain to you exactly what He's done, but I will let you know that I thought it was impossible. I thought a lot of the things He's doing in my heart and emotions lately were impossible, but they aren't! I have faith that the Lord will do so much in my heart throughout my life and even though I'll never be perfect, the Holy Spirit can help me be more than I ever thought I could be.

Let's throw our lives into the hands of Christ where everything good and bad can bring glory to Him. Every difficulty we've been through can be a part of our deliverance. Every hard situation can bring us wisdom. We can all find an unwavering security and be empowered through the things that should have crippled us forever. How neat is that? How good is our God?!