*Freedom of Confidence*

I was once told by a woman in her sixties that I had a strength she wished she had. We were standing over my great grandmother's grave and began in a deep conversation about life. She'd been keeping up with my blog and said with such sureness that I was a strong person. Me? Strength? Strong? Not an adjective I'd ever used for myself before.

I am not afraid to be honest and it's easy for me to stand up for myself which apparently is hard for some people. I always thought I was NOT strong because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. It's all a matter of the way you see it, I suppose. I've always been a pretty confident person which has mostly been brought about by my love, Jesus. The closer I am to Him, the more I feel like a beautiful and valued human being. I am a prized treasure of Christ and nothing can change that. The Lord is in love with me. He waits patiently and longs to hear my innermost thoughts. It's such a blessing that I could never, ever deserve. And the more I learn about the goodness and love of Jesus, the more in awe I am. I truly believe He watches me and smiles thinking of how gorgeous He has made me. Even if the world does not see me as beautiful, I know the Lord does. There is not one moment in my life that my beauty isn't being taken in by the Savior, and I can't wait until I do the same for Him. He is going to be more beautiful than I ever dreamed. Even though I am undeserving, I am very special to the Creator. I think He laughs at me and loves to watch the way I live out my life. He made my heart, so He understand every single thing I do. He understand me more than I understand myself. He has captured my heart…a heart He created to love himself. I am His bride and the bible says He takes great delight in me. He is rejoicing over me with singing. And He's doing the same for you.

Some of my confidence has come from my parents as well. They never criticized the way I looked even when something probably should of been said. I think correcting the way a girl looks or always being critical is a key action in bringing insecurity. Just from the things I've seen and the way I am verses the way some girls are that were not raised the same way. I truly believe that my parents think me and my sister are the most beautiful girls in the world and that's always been nice. I was a chubby fifth grader with bushy eyebrows and an enormous double chin and I got nothing but "You're beautiful!!!". I even said something to my mom the other day about how she should've stepped in and helped a child out, but she honestly said…"You are wrong! You've always been perfect!". And I really think she believes that. Giving your children the idea that you think they are the most beautiful in the world is vital! Because something has gone wrong.

So many girls that are half my size and absolutely gorgeous have told me they are jealous of my confidence. Girls that have boys chasing them, and I'm the one that is not first on the eligible bachelor's list. How does that even happen? It seems so twisted. Shouldn't I be the one jealous??? Sure, there are days when Satan gets a hold and I feel so ugly. But I realize it's the enemy and His lies and I fight that. Normally I look in the mirror and am happy with what I see. Sure, I see lots of flaws but all in all, I leave feeling great. The flaws do not control me. Why aren't the girls who are actually more beautiful than me in human standards doing the same thing? Because most gorgeous girls look in the mirror and always feel disappointed. I don't understand.

I can't even imagine being phased after watching Miss USA or America's Next Top Model. I've known people who can't even watch those because it makes them feel like they are not enough. I have never felt that way! I just enjoy looking at beautiful people. It's never an option to compare myself. The comparing game is a losing game. You will never win. There are ways I will fall short to you, and there are ways you will fall short to me. I am not saying we should just let ourselves go and be confident being homely. I am ALL about dressing up cute and wearing make-up and doing my hair. I think it's great to play up our strengths. I just don't think it's great when it becomes everything. I don't think it's great when we compare ourselves to our neighbor that we could never possibly live up to.

I guess what I'm trying to get across to girls is that I REALLY REALLY REALLY want you to experience the freedom of confidence. I went through a few weeks this semester where I lost all confidence and my life was miserable!!!! I have been insecure and I have been confident and there is MUCH difference in the quality of life I experienced. I see women enslaved to their work-out schedules and calories and fat percent almost everyday. One time in my dorm a few girls who are TINY were all standing in front of the mirror pulling at their arms and grabbing their stomachs saying "Look at this! So fat! I gotta work-out!" Excuse me?! Aren't you like 115 lbs?!?!?! And there I am looking in the mirror thinking ya, I'm a bit on the chubby side, but hello! I still like what I see! I tell my friends who are constantly judging themselves: "You are a waste of a pretty person!!!! Enjoy what God gave you!!! You are blessed to wake up and look like that!" haha It's true.

I would NEVER trade my confidence for being the prettiest girl in the entire world without it. The reason I am not jealous of most girls is I see the struggle they have with their outward appearances that I do not have. They may be gorgeous to the boys and they may be the ones being called, but I am the one who is secure in myself. I am the one that knows I am worthy because Jesus does not make junk. I am not constantly driving myself to perfection in order to fit some social mold. I am not consuming my thoughts in outward appearances that will only fade away. You can diet until you are blue in the face, you can become as little as a tiny stick, but in the end…you WILL get old and ugly. Not to say that dieting and staying fit is bad, because it's not!!! It is REALLY good and I'm even going to work-out today because I'm definitely not doing the right thing, either. There is a middle ground that I am on the opposite end. But if we make it our LIFE, if we are constantly trying to jump hoops that we can never live up to, it's just not right.

I think if we put half as much energy into our relationship with Christ as we do worrying about our outward appearance, we would be on a very stable road.