*Perceptions*

I think I'm going to make a really good old person. I say this because I spent about thirty minutes tonight sitting on my table counting fireflies out the back window. I bet old people do that sometimes. Kinda like birdwatching only better. I found it to be quite enjoyable.…I mean, what else would I be doing on a Saturday night, anyway?

It looks like I have nothing to do on a Saturday night, but that's not true. I do get phone calls and invites but choose to look out the window instead. I was invited to do three things tonight, but I said no to all of them. I had friends up at my lake house all day today, but I just couldn't go. I'd rather be counting fireflies and relaxing by the window, which is why I'll make a great old person.

I used to constantly be worried about being with people and going places and proving to myself that I AM likeable. Like maybe if I was invited places enough or if I had so many friends that would make me feel important. But all it really did was make me tired. I've learned not to weigh my worth depending on how many people like me or not. I've learned that if I go an entire day without getting one phone call or text that's OKAY. It doesn't make me worth any less. It doesn't make me feel like there must be something wrong with me, because well….it doesn't really matter what others think. It doesn't matter if people can't live without me and deem me desirable. Regardless of my social life (or lack there of), I'm still worth the same.

Before I got this new and freeing mentality, I always had to have a boy in my life. I felt like if I had a guy calling me and making me feel important then I truly WAS important. When they would stop, I'd feel completely unworthy of anything because they had deemed me unworthy. How dumb is that? What does one persons perception of me really matter anyway? Why would we ever place our worth in the hands of a human? That is just a little crazy. So someone doesn't like you…so what? There is not a person on earth that doesn't have someone that has negative feelings towards them. NOT ONE. I'd be willing to bet on that.

As I was looking out the window tonight I started to think about perceptions. Every person that comes into contact with me has a different view of who I am, and not one can see the whole picture. One person may think I'm fun and love being around me. Another may find me obnoxious and never want to hang out at all. Some may see me as entirely trustworthy and loyal and come to me with problems. Others think I'm a blabber mouth and would never trust me with anything. Another may see me as an enemy that chews people out and has a bad temper. I've been the "other girl" in a few instances, so I'm sure there are a some girls out there that wouldn't mind seeing me thrown off a cliff. Some may perceive me as outgoing and social, another may think I'm a loner. One might see me as a great Christian girl, and another may wonder how I could ever call myself a Christian at all. It all depends on the perceptions and life interactions we've had with each other. But one thing is certain…nobody sees me the same way.

Which got me thinking….if nobody sees me the same way, then who is seeing who I really am? And the answer to that truthfully is…NO ONE! No one can ever see who I truly am, not every aspect anyway. Every perception that people have of me probably has some truth to it, both the good AND the bad. But every perception probably has some faulty ideas in it as well. Even if a person's perception has truth to it, it's never a good picture of ALL of me. None of it is enough to make a judgement about me. None of it really gives a good idea of who I am as a whole person. Not even the people who have known me my entire life. They have perceptions of me, too…just a wider perception that has more of the pieces. But nobody is ever going to be able to see the whole puzzle put together that makes up who I am. Only God can see that.

Realizing that God is the only one that has the TRUE perception of who I am made me realize how important my relationship with Him really is. He's the only One who knows me to my very core. He knows me better than I know myself. Even I have a perception of myself that is probably not exactly accurate. It's nice to realize that God is the only one that knows me, because He has deemed me worthy. He says I am loveable and there's not one part of me He doesn't know. When the puzzle pieces are put together and the whole entire Abby is put before Him, He says I AM enough. He says He didn't mess up when He made my personality. It doesn't really matter what others think. Especially when the ones who don't like me don't have the full picture anyway. And maybe the people I don't like are more than I can see as well.

*You forgot your pants!!!*

There I was, relaxing on the couch and innocently flipping through channels when I suddenly saw something really life altering…..Miley Cyrus was having a concert in London and COMPLETELY forgot her pants!!!!! My mouth hung open and I almost poured my drink on the ground. Miley? Honey? You left something at home….something very important. I know it's nice to be free every once in a while, but a concert tour that is all over ABC is not the time!

It was probably worse for me because it was in HD on a theatre screen as big as the wall. Maybe it wouldn't be SO bad if it were on a smaller screen. All I know is….I got an unwanted up close and personal experience with the pop princess herself. Isn't this supposed to be a role model for kids? I really liked Miley Cyrus and that's the truth, but I can't say I'm a fan anymore. I'm usually not legalistic, but in this case I certainly am. My kids are watching her every move and wanting to be just like her. If they continue to make Miley Cyrus their role model, they are going to get PRETTY cold in the winter!!!! Going without pants has got to be a frigid experience.

The other day me and my mom were getting a drink from Sonic and there was a girl standing on the street curb wearing a button up collard shirt as a dress with a belt in the middle. It was definitely obscene, but clearly she was just trying to give the world a free peep show. Well, my mom sees her and says really concerned: "I think that girl has been attacked and got her pants stolen!!! Maybe we should stop and help her!" LOL….talk about a funny moment for me. I am still laughing about it.

All I need to say is this……somebody needs to help Miley Cyrus because the poor girl got her pants stolen! As she ended her concert she went out saying "GOD BLESS YOU!!!!" and all I could think was "The only thing we need to bless is your poor little pantsless heart!"

*Odd Kid, Odd Adult*

I used to have this miniature cabbage patch kid that lived in my fifth grade locker. Her name was annabelle. She had her very own pink shelf that contained a little bed and couch for her to use while I was in class. I also left snacks in case she ever got hungry and a book for her to read when bored. She sometimes got mad that I left her in there so long, so I put a beanie baby turtle in there to keep her from having a meltdown.

Now, I never realized how odd that was until I started sharing that story with a friend recently. I mean….sure, the other kids were worried about who was going to be their boyfriend and what they were going to wear, but I had other things on my mind. More important things. Like keeping my cabbage patch kid happy and playing with my pet tomogotchi. I was the President of a tomigotchi club I started that met underneath the slide at recess. It was a BIG hit. The popular girls frowned upon it, but I didn't care. As far as I was concerned…they were missing out. The tomogotchi club was where the true party was at! All i needed was a good pair of overalls each day and a ponytail and I was good to go. A scort was also one of my favorite fashion finds paired with a tigger tshirt.

While I was telling my friend about that doll today she said: "Maybe you NEEDED that cabbage patch doll. Your imagination is out of control!". I think my imagination IS out of control! But I like it that way. Walking down a hall is not walking down a hall to me….walking down a hall I imagine the people beside me doing funny things or picture myself slip n sliding down the hallway. Or if there's something on the wall I imagine it moving or talking. It's just a natural thing. I thought everybody worked like that, but recently I have discovered that it is not exactly normal.

I thought I was alone in my kitchen the other day when I heard my brothers voice ask: "Um..what's so funny?" I hadn't even realized I'd been laughing, but apparently I was laughing out loud. I was picturing a dodgeball game that went entirely my way and put Kristin's scary dodgeball face in the middle of my brain. It WAS funny and it WAS enjoyable….I didn't have to think about it. That's just the way my brain works. It's always trying to go somewhere else…like I have a world all my own that nobody knows about.

It's a good world,though. Even if it makes me odd.

*Cow Eyes, Puppy Dogs…Etc.*

I was sitting here with a lot of thoughts flowing through my head, but all of them have come to a halt thanks to the fact that my computer is on 47% battery. Am I the only one that is driven insane when the battery gets below 50%? I mean…I just keep staring at it with such dissatisfaction. I'm gonna have to plug this in and get it up to at least 50% battery before I can even think strait here.

I feel so much change in the air recently. Coming home has been such a good thing for my soul. It's like the school year and winter almost shriveled me to pieces and I came home just in time. I was a deflated balloon that is now finally being blown up again. I feel like this is where I belong and it's nice to finally feel that way. Living in College where I feel out of place is rough, but the Lord definitely has grown me into a better person because of it!!!! And it makes me enjoy these times that much more. I am SO thankful and I'm SO blessed!!!!! I am very glad with where I am right now. And even when I am not this content and comfortable…I am still SO blessed. The Lord is good at ALL times.

My job has been going amazing so far. I feel so at home and since it's my third summer, most of the kids know me by now. I feel like we become a family in a way. I love the kids and they keep me laughing. They also give me such encouragement and joy everyday. Even the ones that I am having to send into the corner multiple times a day have a special place in my heart. They love to hug me and grab my hair and hold my hand. They want to know all about me and seem interested in who I am. The girls compliment me more than I've ever been complimented in my life! When I walk through the kindergarten and first grade hallway I am bombarded with children and literally have to pull them off my legs. Those are the kids I taught two years ago as four year olds. They still feel an attachment, because we definitely bonded. And the feeling is quite mutual. I don't mind them hanging on my legs even if I DO need to be somewhere and can't pull them off.

Some of my kids from last year are now going into fifth grade and have gotten into the "too cool" stage. One of them comes into my room and acts like I'm really uncool, but sits by me for hours anyway. He acts like he's too "old" to play games anymore but one time he said:"so..where's the pumpkin suit, anyway?" and I saw a flash of childhood still in his eyes. I used to let him dress as a pumpkin and run down the halls as I timed him if he was good. I wish the childhood would stay a little longer. I think I have a special place for young boys in my heart because there comes a day when they are no longer able to live as freely as they did as children. There comes a day when it's time to grow up and respect is more important than feelings. There's only a few short years when they dress up like puppy dogs for fun and cry in my arms. Those days of begging to play with my hair are soon to be over, because well…boys aren't "supposed" to play with hair.

I had to dissect 8 cow eyeballs today and I seriously almost passed out. I have never been queezy before, but since my recent blackout thanks to Molly's foot injury, I am now living with a weak stomach. The eyeballs squirted all over me as the children laughed and I nervously ran to the sanitizer. I survived, though. I am OKAAAY! The cow guts are washed off my clothes; i've never been so excited to do laundry in my life.

I fell out of my chair the very first day of class. Feet flailing willy nilly in the air and everything. "Willy Nilly" is how my friend Kristin describe the occurrence, anyway. I walked in this morning and said in a really serious tone: "Anyone remember that one time I fell out of a chair?" and they all laughed REALLY hard. I love kids because they think I am just the funniest thing that ever happened to the world. That is a nice change from a few people who won't even give me fake laughter. I'm funnier than the people who just look at me with blank stares think! Like Michael Scott from 'The Office' says…"From the mouths of babes comes truth! And kids think I'm awesome!". haha

Time for bed…..waking up has proven to be ROUGH. The alarm has not been my friend recently. I gotta get to bed earlier than this!

*My Love, God's Love*

It was one of those moments in life that is absolutely perfect. The room was silent except for a tiny breathing sound coming from the newborn baby I held in my arms. His smell was so fresh and his face so intriguing. Everything about him was so miraculous to me. His little eyelids as they felt the burden of opening his eyes to the new bright world around him. His little sneeze made me feel so warm inside. Everything about him brought about emotion in a good way. It was all so perfect to me. The love I felt made me feel like I could just burst inside. How is your heart supposed to hold that much love?

One thing I really started to think of while holding the baby is how it's such a picture of God's love for us. Long before we could do anything for Him at all, He loved us with so much passion. I feel so much love in my heart for that baby and all he can do is lay helpless in my arms. He can't do anything for me at all, but regardless I am overcome with love. In the same way, we can't do anything for God, but He is completely in love with us no matter what we do. I am like the newborn baby that is literally helpless unless God steps in and takes care of me. Just like the baby relies on me to hold his neck up, I rely on the Lord to hold me up each day as well. Without him I am nothing. Without his constant caring for me, I would be lifeless. He is the one who gives me life and I am lucky to be loved by Him. There is nothing I can do to earn the love of the Lord, but He loves me anyway. From the day I was born He has loved me with an everlasting love that outweighs any kind of love I could ever feel. That to me is so amazing….absolutely unfathomable. God's heart must be very big.