*Three Months Later*

On a rainy September morning just a few days before Beau was born, I sat in the car listening to the wipers go back and forth in front of the hospital and wrote these words:

"In only a few short days I'll be in the hospital that stands before me right now meeting my son for the first time. It's so surreal to even be saying those words right now. So many emotions wash over me from excitement, joy, and anticipation to fear, anxiety, and apprehension. There's so much unknown with what's about to happen and the pain and weeks to come really scare me. I can't even fathom what a love like that will feel like. It's so good to be reminded that it's God's plan for me to be a mom and that He will be present with me along the way. God, thank you for reminding me that you know my shortcomings, yet decided to entrust me with this precious soul of Yours. He is even more Your child than he is mine and I'm so thankful that You the most perfect parent are here to help us along the way. Please come and be the parent to your baby with me and show me how to be what he needs."

It's crazy to think just how different the person is writing right now than the person who was writing then. Nothing in my life has ever changed me like becoming a mother has. I had so much unknown, fear, and uncertainties flowing through me then that have all but disappeared by now. It's hard to imagine what life will be like and how you will handle it when you don't KNOW that child yet.

God REALLY answered my prayer and has been with me every step of the way. The first few weeks weren't that bad because I was on many, many meds, but week 5-8 were extremely hard. That's when the narcotics faded and the help left. God helped me through those weeks and got me through them by His strength alone and it truly brought us closer. I couldn't of done it without Him. Those weeks are important though because it brings the bond between a mother and baby closer. Anything you sacrifice so much for becomes even more important to you.

After that things got so much easier, and now things don't feel hard at all. (Unless his routine is thrown off, then it's all another story! haha Prayers appreciate for Christmas week!!!) I have gotten up every single night for three months now and have survived! I have figured out so much that I didn't think I'd be able to and it's amazing how much more naturally this life fits me than I even thought.

Every time I look at my son and he is just staring at me with loving eyes, I know that there's no other job I'd rather be doing. I am extremely thankful to my husband for understanding and being behind me when I said being a stay at home mom was important to me. I am so thankful that I get to spend every day with my baby because one day he will have a whole new life and dear old mom won't be his number one favorite thing like I am now.

I mean...I am literally his favorite thing of all time. When I'm cheering for him in the stands when he's in fifth grade or waving at him obnoxiously in the school parking lot, it may not be the same. Brian is already telling me I have to tone it down for the poor fella. I love to cheer on people...I'll really have to restrain.

But not yet...today Beau loves for me to cheer him on and thinks I'm the coolest person ever. He also thinks I'm one of the only people on this planet. He thinks life is all about ME and I'm okay with that. He doesn't know any different and I'll enjoy it while it lasts.

I think way too far ahead so I find myself being sad over the fact that I won't get to spend all my time with him because one day that would be considered crazy. I can't stalk him at college or make him stay home with me forever. But for now...for now he's here. And mom says by the time I need to let him go, It'll be okay because I'll be tired of parenting anyway.

I hope she's right.

My thoughts on parenting three months in as you all probably know from my insane amount of pictures and chatter is that it is AMAZING. And much, much, MUCH easier than I originally thought. I think I'll probably have my kids far apart so I can keep saying that statement, haha. It's probably like juggling...it's easy to just throw up and catch one ball but when you add more to the mix, I bet it gets pretty tough. One baby is not bad at all, though. In fact...it's a truly wonderful life.

*Let's Talk Body Image*

There's a fancy looking cup in my kitchen that I always thought was extremely valuable.

I keep it in a safe place on the shelf and barely use it because I'm afraid I'll break it. I've held it in such high esteem thinking that it's a costly item that cannot be replaced.

Well, two days ago I went to the grocery store and got a bottle of sparkling red grape juice. (That's about as crazy as we get around here.) I decided to get down the glass just for fun and poured Brian one, too. I went in for an over the top cheesy "clinking" of the cups only to hear a very different sound than I was expecting. "Are these...plastic???" Brian said looking at me with disbelief. We clinked again and then again just to make sure. It WAS plastic. A very thick and good looking plastic in my defense.

I think sometimes we have things on our minds and in our lives that we treat like the cup in my kitchen. We hold it in such high esteem and make it so important when really it should be treated like what it truly is...plastic. And maybe we treat our true valuable things like they are paper cups without even realizing it at times.

For instance...many of us as women focus A LOT on body image. Even super skinny girls that I think would never think of it are constantly thinking about it. We treat this search for beauty as the most expensive glass cup in our kitchen when really it's just a plastic cup. It shouldn't be as important as we make it and I'm NOT talking about a healthy lifestyle. I think it's good to lose weight and try to be healthy and stay away from foods that aren't good for us. I'm talking about when it overtakes our minds and gets to a place it shouldn't. I'm talking about the search for perfection and when body image takes up more of our mind than God does. I'm talking about the moment when we think we are worth more if we weigh less.

I know I've been guilty of treating body image like the fake glass cup in my kitchen, like it's more valuable than it is. I let too many times in my life when boys would pick the skinnier girl than me affect my thinking too deeply. I would see even the good Christian guys only go for the bomb shells and that would really get me down. In those moments when I thought the only way to get attention was to be smaller, my thoughts about God became more like a paper cup.

I have learned a lot by my weight gain during pregnancy believe it or not. I learned that there are more important things in life like self sacrifice and a baby that are truly worth it. I have learned that before I got pregnant I focused entirely too much on how I looked and put it in a place that it shouldn't have been. I am working hard to get back to where I was and I truly believe in a healthy lifestyle and exercise, but it will all be meaningless if I make it TOO important again. It will put me in misery if I believe the lie that the better I look, the more people will accept me. If my reasoning for doing it is wrong...it's meaningless. If it takes too much of my thought life and overshadows my thoughts about God...it will be in vain.

I guess I just want all of you to stop judging yourselves because it's exhausting. And there's much more important things in life to focus your mind on. Besides, if your mind and heart aren't doing well and you start treating it as more valuable than it is...no amount of weight loss or beauty product will ever be enough.

(BTW..the links in orange are NOT my doing...the internet is just making it a link.)

*My Winter Goal and Putty in Our Hands*

I have a confession to make….

I haven't been out of the house for eight days and it would've stayed that way with or without the snow.

Not only am I incapable of this thing called "Cabin Fever", but I have a goal this year that I plan to meet. My personality is not very motivated by goals according to personality books and well, my own everyday living but this time I'm really serious about it.

My goal is to NEVER get cold this entire winter.

Now, if you know me that well you know that I have not faired well in the frigid weather in the past. I've never been able to escape it because in elementary school I had to go to recess and my brother's football games. In high school the team was extremely good so I was still on the sidelines cheering in December. In college I had to walk to class or be heating up my frigid car in the parking lot at 7:00am after a long and windy hike. When I finally became an "adult" I was braving the elements in my nice clothes for recess and carpool duty. Not to mention, many times along the way I had incredibly scarring moments on the ski slope that I'm not even ready to talk about yet. Let's just use the word desperation to give you a feeling of how "fun" I think skiing is.

But this year…this year is DIFFERENT. This year my job IS at my house and I'm taking the term stay at home wife/mom to the next level! I will literally STAY AT HOME whenever possible!! I no longer have to face my enemy winter like I once did before…I even have a car that heats itself up before I leave which means I can close the door on that old way for now. The future will hold years where I will have to brave the elements again, but the goal for this year is to never get cold. Not once…not even for five minutes. Wish me luck.

I think I'll be able to do this for sure because I never get bored. I don't even know what that means…I may have my mom to thank for that one because when I was little if I would say: "Mom, I'm bored!" she would get this look in her eye and go: "Bored, huh? Ohhhh…I've got PLENTY of laundry for you to fold to cure that!" *Scared face*…I was so afraid of boredom.

I do think her tactic was pretty good and I will use many of her techniques for my own kids. It's funny, though…me and Brian talked about our different parenting ideas long before the baby was born and Beau is way more putty in our hands than we even thought. We had all these strong opinions about how not to spoil him etc. until we saw his face. The little prince just pooped on Brian's pillow because that's where he likes to be in the morning and who am I to say no to that face?! I am sooo hoping this whole not spoiling thing will work out when it's old enough to matter cause right now we just want to give him the world. Maybe it gets easier when they are old enough to learn the word NO and aren't just staring at you with chubby cheeks and sparkly eyes and a loving smile.

I remember a conversation when I was pregnant with Brian where he said very firmly a person should work hard for everything they get so when he's sixteen he will work for his car. I got my car from my parents so I'm more on the let's get him a car, but not a new/amazing one road. WELL…not two weeks after the baby was born I caught Brian talking to him saying: "And we're going to get you a lifted truck and a dirt bike and a four wheeler…" So much for that. Hoping we get a backbone by then cause it's important but oh my goooodnesssss that face just melts us.

Good thing you can't spoil a newborn as they say, let's just hope the terrible twos make this putty in our hands become a little more solid. We literally spent most of our snow days just staring at Beau laughing at everything he did. He is our very own play toy and we both talk about how surprised we are that we aren't yearning to get out more or wanting a babysitter. We don't want to give up any time with him!! We thought we'd feel a little trapped having 24/7 duty over a baby, but it's the opposite. It's our PRIVILEGE! There's no hope for us…this little boy has stolen every bit of our hearts!

*New Mom Diaries 4: Getting the Hang of it*

As I type this I can hear the washing machine filling up with water and the constant tick tick tick in the distance of the miracle baby swing. These two sounds often bring me comfort in the middle of the day. They are familiar noises that mean it's just an ordinary day and things are the way they should be.

In my last blog post I was pretty much drowning in the sea of new motherhood and talking about how I knew the time would go by so fast but I had no idea how fast they would really go. Beau already doesn't look like a newborn anymore and is twelve pounds making life a whole lot easier. He can hold his head up and is very easy to carry around because there's a lot more rolls to hold onto. He feels strong instead of a weak newborn and is able to sleep five and six hours at a time at night. He's finally gotten his days and nights figured out, so at night he only wakes up to feed once and then goes right back to sleep. It's made my life SO much easier.

I've been trying to teach him some things for sleep training later, one of which is not to rely on a sleep prop and wow, has he done REALLY well. Granted, I have a baby that likes his space so being in his moses basket when he's tired without being held is up his alley. I doubt it would work for all babies because of differing personalities, but he has been able to put himself to sleep lately and that has been really nice. I even put him in his bed after a night feeding with his eyes wide open and ten minutes later he's snoozing without one single tear or whimper. I'm so proud of him.

All moms have different ways of approaching these early days which I think is great, but what has worked best for me is just following him. I don't have any other babies or agendas so I can watch his cues and go with his flow. He has figured out day and night on his own, it just took a bit. He is only seven weeks old and doing so great in figuring out how this life thing works and it's been nice being able to go with the flow at whatever pace he feels like. A newborn knows what he needs much more than I do and they are built to tell us what they want and need in ways I could never figure out on my own.

My personality is the opposite of type A so a schedule this early in the game would just make me feel like a failure. Flexibility has definitely been my friend. And the odd thing is, even though I don't have a schedule schedule per say...he's starting to make one of his own. Though newborns will always throw you for a loop, so I'm not getting too cozy in our routine this week. You just never know and realizing that has made me a pretty relaxed new mama. That's my motto...just breathe and relax and let my baby's cues take the wheel. I don't want to get caught up in what I think should be happening and stress myself out. Each day I just take it as it comes and it's a very relaxed way of parenting a newborn, and I like that. I'm already too high strung as it is so I don't need to add anything to stress about quite yet. There will plenty of room for that in the future. He's a good little sleeper and pretty happy except for those dreaded few fussy hours at night before his longest sleep.

It's gotten so much easier now that I've taken most of my sleep back. He sleeps five and six hours at a time before waking up which has made all the difference. I feel like I'm becoming myself again and even started thinking about a second baby which I never thought I'd do after all I've been through. But when you're holding your precious baby in your arms and he's being and angel and you were somehow able to do the laundry, you think you just might be able to do it all over again.

So, it DOES get easier for any moms to be out there. I'd say weeks 3-5 are the absolute hardest because you're just so tired and they are still sleeping only two or three hours at a time. You have been tired and continue to be tired on levels you never thought a human could survive on...but then something during week six happens and it suddenly gets easier. At least for me anyway. I thought being a new mom would feel like more of a burden than it actually is. I knew I'd love it, but I thought all day would feel like a super hard job but it's really not when there's only one. I actually don't feel a lot different than I did before I had a baby because I still get my DVR's in and time to relax. I just get to hold a cutie while I'm doing it. And have to lug in a baby when I go tell the cashier I want forty bucks on pump seven.

*New Mom Diaries 3-What I Didn't Know*

There are so many things in life I learn as I go. I hear what life will be like from other people, but until I experience something for myself there's really no way to truly know. I've also realized that people have very selective memory including myself so the stories people tell that are twenty years later are not exactly lining up with all the people I know experiencing it NOW. Like the people who had a newborn over twenty years old that say: "Oh, it was just so wonderful and easy" make moms in the thick of it go, huh? All phases of life that seem so huge at one point fade over time into a small montage of memories that remind us of once was. The details and emotions are lost somewhere along the way and we are left with whatever stands out.

I find myself trying to hold on to what Beau is like right now because I know it won't last long. I want to remember the memories because they are so special to me and the sweetness that a newborn brings is nothing short of a gift from God. It's truly one of the best things that ever happens to you. I love my baby so much. I can write that down, but it doesn't do nearly the justice that I feel. I would do anything for him and I love being around him so much. I love playing with him and holding him close. I love the sounds he makes when he sleeps, and how his hair sticks up after a bath. I love finding new things about him like when he's super tired and going to sleep a while, he puts his hand in the air. I call it "The hand of surrender to sleep"…it's so, so cute. He's so adorable and he gives me so much joy.

But that's not the only side to this time…there's a whole other side to it as well. It took me about three weeks of sleep deprivation to get there, but I have finally made it to the land of desperation people speak of. I totally thought in my last blog post that I was going to miss out on that, but it just took a few weeks to finally make it to the point of exhaustion I've never felt before. The one way ticket to crazy town.

Like…I thought it was Tuesday when it was really Thursday.
I slept on spit up and didn't even care because I thought "Well, my tshirt can soak it up"
My emotions are literally on the next level.

It's not parenting that's hard…it's the sleep deprivation. Getting eight hours and then taking care of a newborn would be the best and easiest job EVER. I was reading a book for bible study on how to battle depression as a mom and the main thing was to GET SLEEP. Ummmmm….not really an option here! I DO sleep when the baby sleeps, it's just that two hours here and there just doesn't cut it. That advice from people does not really make it any easier, I still feel like I've been to a bad junior high sleep over all the time. Emotions on almost a month of no sleeping is something I never knew was possible. I have literally turned into nothing short of a lunatic.

They say it's the best thing and hardest thing you'll ever do and it's so true. But they forgot to tell me that it would make me absolutely bonkers. It's that selective memory thing, I think. Who is this person?! And when will she ever have her toenails painted and eyebrows less jungleistic?! And for heavens sake when will she think strait ever again?!

I know times like these shape us and mold us into even better and stronger people. I know the best place we can be in life is being fully aware of our need for the Lord and strength from Him. I'm not wishing away this time because it's one of the most special times I've ever had…but I am fighting through this time as well. It's something I know I'll look back on and be proud of what I did and also scared of how crazy I was. On Duck Dynasty the other day after his son had his wisdom teeth taken out Willie said: "John Luke is sporting some nice crazy eyes to go with his new personality" I am sporting those crazy eyes…I feel ya, John Luke, I feel ya. Only my drug is sleep deprivation and it doesn't feel nearly as good.

Thanks to my many friends with newborns right now and my moms group at church, I know I'm not alone and it's completely normal to sport crazy eyes. That truly helps. We always need someone going through the same things in life to help us make it through and let us know our feelings are NORMAL.  People outside of this phase treat me like I'm still a regular person like: "Hey, are you going to this or that?" Ummm…no…I'm barely alive here actually, but thanks for asking! And "Can I help?" can only be answered truly by "Yes, come take a night shift!!!" but that's not happening, haha. That's really all I need…ONE NIGHT…just ONE NIGHT!!!! *Crazy scream voice*

One day I want to invest in ministry for new moms just like my bible study leader is doing. I didn't know how deep the need there was. Yesterday it was raining and I had been up since 3 am and it's a 30 minute drive to church but I was going to make it there no matter what. I forced myself up and prayed to God that Beau would have peace in the car because I had to go to my moms group regardless of how hard it was to get there. It's like a cool, refreshing drink with like minded people that helps me get my week started right. I NEED that ministry probably more than I've ever needed a ministry in my whole life.

What I didn't know in my former years of looking enviously on the smiling pictures of people with newborns was how happy they truly were…and how desperate at the same time. Those smiles are very real and there's nothing that can brighten up your life like a baby...but oh, I've never felt so much need for encouragement from people and strength from the Lord. Not in my single years, not in college, not in my job. If I wasn't allowed to sleep those times, it would be just as bad but I was able to get those precious eight hours. Eight hours is all it takes for sanity to reign and there's many out there that are not able to get that. I will never ever take sleeping for granted again! It's truly a gift that we are given everyday to help us meet life the way it should be.

Taking care of a newborn would be the easiest thing in the world if they came out sleeping all night…BUT since they don't..it's kinda like trying to take a nap out in a hammock on a tropical island…with a fire set underneath your toosh. Fire-no sleep. Hammock on a tropical island- your baby. I'm so thankful I have the most wonderful husband in the world to be there beside me being so understanding and helpful and strong for me when I'm weak. I don't have my family close, but God gave me the right husband to support me and help me through anything. I love him more than ever because of how he has handled all of this. He is my hero in so many ways. When I cry in a loud cry from exhaustion that scares the cat and makes him run…Brian is always there to hold me close and pick me up. He's never afraid of what any man should be. He's truly amazing. :)

I'm holding my sweet baby right now and my heart swells to levels I can't even explain. He's worth it…he's so very, very worth it. I'd do this forever if it meant being with my little Beau. He has my whole heart wrapped around his tiny, chubby finger. I would never, ever go back…I would go back into this knowing everything that I know now over and over again. I love him…with the true meaning of love. Maybe it's the first time I've ever known so deeply what the TRUE meaning of love is. Giving of oneself when the other can't give much back in return. We are just as needy as a newborn and the Lord is the one that takes care of us and sustains us when we can't do much back. But He finds delight in us like we find delight in our babies. He sacrificed so much when we were unable to do anything for ourselves without him. And the bible does say in Psalms "The one who guards you never sleeps." I get a tiny glimpse of what that relationship is like now that I have this baby in my life. Just a tiny one.

I hear the sleep deprivation phase gets better, so stay tuned….this was written in the thick of the trenches so it won't be forever! Keep fighting new moms, keep fighting! :) We can do this!! With God, everything is possible!!!! Enjoy that cuteness of your baby and how sweet they feel in your arms and don't let the tiredness make you miss out on this precious and fleeting time. Find reasons to laugh everyday…it keeps me going. A smile makes greasy hair and crazy eyes look more appealing anyway. :)

*New Mom Diaries 2- The First Days*

It's been two weeks since I met my baby boy and it might as well of been a lifetime ago. I have never had such a short span of time seem so far away. I look at pictures of the day he was born and he already looks SO different. He grows and changes so much each day.

Right now as I type this, I have my sleeping baby in my arms. MY baby…I still can't believe it when I say that. He rocks slightly back and forth with each letter I type and I can tell he finds it comforting. If only you could hear his little soft snore beneath me and see his sweet face. He is truly a gift. My son…I can't say it enough.

It's hard to believe now, but before I had a baby, I was absolutely terrified. I heard horror story after horror story about the first weeks after giving birth and how your life is over and was honestly scared out of my mind. I am really bad on no sleep, so I didn't know how that was going to work out. There were so many doubts in my mind that I had, you know? Will I be a good mother? Will I know how to make him stop crying? What if I get overwhelmed and fall into major anxiety? Newborns seem so breakable, how will I know what to do? I let my realistic personality take away a lot of the joy that I should have been feeling. If there's anything I've learned in the first days it's this….motherhood,  is so much better than I ever thought or imagined. Motherhood comes more naturally than I ever thought possible. Motherhood does not make you lose your life, it breathes life into you like you've never known.

You hear mothers say "It's worth it" and before I was a mother I didn't understand that. There's no way to explain it, but every hard thing truly is worth it and the good far outweighs any of the bad. I have gotten about three hours of sleep a night in the past two weeks and I wouldn't change that for the world. I wake up to my son and although I am sleepy and my bed has suddenly become much more inviting and comfortable than it was before…the face of my baby boy perks me up and I somehow come to life in the night…over and over and over. We spend many minutes of the night together, but it has truly bonded us together as mother and son.

I remember the very first night I spent with my sweet Beau. I was extremely tired from laboring two nights in a row and having him at 6:29am so I sent him to the nursery just for two hours to get a little bit of sleep. I told them to please send him to me if he was upset, because I really wanted to be there for him. Not long after, the nurses brought him back to me crying and in a fit. He was completely upset and the nurse said that she thought he was just missing me. Sure enough, I took him in my arms and he stopped crying immediately and just looked at me with little loving eyes. I cradled him close and we spent the next few hours sleeping as near to the way we had the past ten months as we could. The nurse smiled when she saw how happy he was and said: "I think he thinks he should still be in the womb!" I just couldn't make myself take away the comfort that our closeness brought him on that first night. And honestly…he's been a part of me, too. I needed him as much as he needed me. I pick him up a lot because I'm used to him being near me- a part of me. It's not easy being separated when you are so used to someone hiccuping and wiggling inside you for so long.

I've already become better at being a mom in the first two weeks and there has definitely been a learning curve. When he first got home, I barely knew how to change a diaper but luckily babies are VERY forgiving. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and fumbling around with his diaper trying to figure out how in the world it goes, and he just stared at me like he didn't care that I had no clue what I was doing.

I barely slept the first few nights he got home (literally about forty five minutes) because I was so busy checking if he was still breathing. When a human being that small is sleeping next to your bedside, it's a little bit unnerving for the first few nights! I would put my hand under him to get a reaction just to make sure he was alive and well! That lasted for about four nights and I am proud to say, I now sleep soundly and am comfortable with him there. But…maybe I still check a few times. ;)

These past fourteen days have been absolutely wonderful for me. Even though I have been recovering, it really has not been that hard at all. I once asked a new mom with a one month old if the past month had been hard. She replied with an answer I'll never forget: "We've wanted this baby for so long. If you want something this bad, it's not hard to do what you need to do."

Maybe that's why it hasn't been that hard for me. This is what I have always wanted my entire life. This is what I have been wanting to wake up to do everyday since I can remember. I look at my baby at this very moment and my heart swells with purpose and meaning and the hard parts just fade away. Sure, I haven't showered, I'm in pain, and I look like I have two black eyes from lack of sleep, but that's what I wanted. Nothing truly meaningful in life comes without a sacrifice.

I truly believe that these days where my baby needs me for everything and I sacrifice even the ability to go to the bathroom or get a drink when I want are the times that will keep us close and bonded forever. We care about the things that we put our heart and souls into. We care about the things we sacrifice for more than anything that is just given to us easily.

Even though it IS full of sacrifices, it has been much easier than I thought. MUCH easier. I think it's because before I couldn't imagine how much I'd love him and how much I'd want to do things for him. Plus, those motherly instincts the Lord gives us are such amazing things and help us new mothers get it done! I feel like I have these new traits inside me that are super powers that I never hard before. I see myself doing these things and wonder who on earth I am. But I really like who I am.

My heart has overflowed with happiness time and time again and I have yet to get too overwhelmed simply because I've made it. I've finally started this journey that I've been waiting to start since I can remember.

So with tired eyes and a pleasant heart….I say goodnight to you. My little love is about to wake up and right now it's my job to put everything else aside for my baby. The one who is entrusted to me for these precious moments that will end far too soon.

*New Mom Diaries 1- The Birth Story*

These past few days of my life have changed who I am forever.

I tried my whole life to figure out what becoming a mom would feel like and I wasn't even close to getting it right. My heart feels a million times better than I ever dreamed and it's much less scary/overwhelming than I thought it would be. It's like God puts something in your body and mind to help you, so imagining being a mom before I was one was a lot harder than it actually is. It's true that you never sleep and you are in pain afterwards…but oh, the joy you feel and the love that washes over you takes control and you feel something in your heart you never have before. Something so great that only the Creator of this world could put it there. I'm a better person for knowing my little Beau already and I never want to go back to who I was.

To get to that moment of pure joy and bliss, it took many trials in the days before. The bible says: "A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her hour has come, but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into this world." That verse couldn't be more true.

Tuesday morning around 4am my contractions started coming and my "hour" or many hours of pain were about to come.  We had a C section scheduled that Friday for health reasons and I never even had one Braxton Hick so I thought I'd get out of the whole labor without meds thing. I am so not granola,  so I was relying on the fact that I would probably be numb when most of the hard work happened, but that 4am wake-up call ruined that dream.

I called my doctor and told him what was going on and he said to go in to see if we needed to go ahead and get him out that day. They hurt, but weren't terribly painful but I wanted to go in for sure because I had high hopes in the pain relief hospitals readily offer and was ready to get on that train ASAP! When we got there I had the terrible realization that I had to actually dilate through contractions to a certain point if the baby wasn't 39 weeks along yet. He was three days away, so I was basically sent home to tough it out for a bit because it was only early labor and it could last a few days.

Fast forward to 11:30pm the next night after having contractions throughout the day and they steadily got worse and worse until they become VERY painful and five minutes apart. That's when they said to come in, so we rushed to the hospital and they put me on the monitor immediately. We were there from 12:00am-4:00am with me just laboring there and having contractions that made me bawl my eyes out only to be told I was still not dilated at all and had to go back home! Talk about disappointing!! Luckily they put me out of my misery for a little bit with a shot that stopped the contractions for a few hours and a pain killer as well.

The whole next day I contracted on and off and by that night it was to the point where I was begging the dear Lord to take me to my maker!!!  I have never known pain on that scale and what I once thought was agony in my former life is a walk in the park. Recovering from a C section is rough, but I'm just thankful I'm not in labor because woaaaa…it is not playing around! It makes the recovery process pretty doable because it's like "At least I'm not having THAT happening anymore!" My insides all blended up feels MUCH better.

Since they had sent me home so much, I tried to tough it out because I didn't want to be sent home again and this time the contractions were fifteen minutes apart instead of five and that was too far apart so I thought. I finally got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and just wanted one of those miracle shots, so we rushed to the hospital where I was like: "You'll probably just send me home again" crying and the nurse was like: "OH wow, you're staying here!! The baby's head is right there!!"

FOR REAL?! You have GOT to be kidding me! I NEVER wanted to be the hero!!!!! I was so okay, ready, and willing to be judged by the la leche league for my love of doctors and medicine!

Anyway, we got to to hospital at 5:45am and the baby came out at 6:29am if that tells you how fast they got me in there. I got my spinal on the OR table so I got a good look at how many people this was going to take and all the tools that were about to dig into my gut. Talk about unfortunate moment in life. They didn't let Brian come in for all that so I was forced to put my head in the bosom of a woman I don't know while I got something shoved in my back. It should've been an awkward moment but since I was still contracting and I was in such desperation bawling my eyes out, I held onto her like she was my own mother! I remember thinking her clothes smelled extremely good…I kept commenting on that later that day even. Out of all that went on, her smell still stuck with me. I REALLY want to know what laundry detergent she uses.

I talked during my entire wedding ceremony so why wouldn't I talk during my entire C section, too? I kept saying things like "I think I can't breathe!!!" and "My arms!!! My arms! My arms are free!" Apparently they never were free but I swear I remember waving my arms in the air. The worst part was probably when they opened me up and air ran up to my shoulders causing a terrible pain that the spinal didn't get rid of. That's when I thought I moved my arms in the air but I think when they knew I was in pain they added a little somethin somethin because things got a little hazier from there.

Things went pretty downhill not long after that. We had no idea there was something wrong with our baby until I heard the doctor very calmly say to the NICU nurses…"We have some meconium here." I remember my heart sinking and my world started to spin. I didn't know much, but I knew that wasn't good. I then felt like I was going to throw up so I started yelling: "I think I'm going to throw up, no really, I'm going to throw up!!" So I got this bag put by my face but I had no idea what help that would do since I was stuck facing upwards.

I remember trying not to throw up and feeling a tug at my stomach then people rushing over to the baby on my right. I heard the quietest sound I have ever heard in my life and started saying over and over: "Why isn't he crying? Why isn't he crying? Isn't he supposed to cry by now?" The doctor just calmly and gently said: "Don't worry, we are just needing to jump start him."

I could see Brian looking at him and I told him to move, but he wouldn't no matter how much I begged. He didn't want me to see what he thought at the time was our dying child. I saw a little blue foot from around him, but that's all I could get a glimpse of and the feeling of throwing up rushed over me even worse. I waited and waited for what seemed like forever…right when I heard a faint baby wail and looked Brian in his teary eyes, I went blank and don't remember much from there. Maybe since I was panicking they put something else in to help calm me down…I really have no idea, I just know I went blank. But if that was the case, thank you whoever you are! I needed that relief…it was too much to handle and I was definitely in a panic which probably doesn't make sowing me up easy.

Beau came out with a score of one which was barely alive. He was not breathing and his heart rate was below 80. The cord had gotten wrapped around his arms and squeezed him so tight the blood flow was messed with is what I gather from what I heard. The miracle from God is that they revived him and in ten minutes he scored a 9! YES…a NINE! Talk about turn around!!! I am so thankful to Jesus for that miracle!!!!! Even though I had to go through those moments of shear panic, my baby was saved and the jump start the doctor spoke of worked. I can't thank the NICU nurses enough for what they did for my baby.

I can't remember meeting my son, but my mom told me as they wheeled me out I just kept saying: "I haven't seen my baby, they didn't let me see my baby!" Then when we finally got to the room Brian said I had my eyes closed shut saying: "I can't see him, I can't see him!" I vaguely have an image in my mind of someone putting him propped up on my arm since I couldn't really hold him normally since I just had surgery. Other than that…it's all a blur and I'm not even sure when my mind came back. I don't exactly have a first memory, but I DO have a first picture of the moment. Everyone says I looked like I was "glowing" but that was actually yellow from nausea. Bright as the shining sun yellow, I guess. ha

I may not remember details for the first hour or so, but I do remember over time coming to and falling in love instantly. Beau was cuter than I even imagined and he was MINE. I still can't really fathom that when I look at him. He had a really hard time with his blood sugar because of his hard birth so the nurses had me put him skin to skin for a couple of hours to help him get better. Nourishment only brought his blood sugar levels up 2 points, but being close to his mama and hearing my heartbeat brought it up 22 points. My body was able to help my baby and that seriously was one of the best feelings ever. It was sad that he needed it, but it was such an intimate way to get our relationship started. To have a baby rely on me and for me to be his place of comfort is a moment that will change me forever. To have such a cute little one so tiny looking with those little eyes like he knows me so well makes my heart swell with thankfulness. I love him so much more than I ever thought possible and my sweet baby gives me all that love right back. He's mine, and he knows he's mine…praise the Lord this precious baby is mine.