There are so many things in life I learn as I go. I hear what life will be like from other people, but until I experience something for myself there's really no way to truly know. I've also realized that people have very selective memory including myself so the stories people tell that are twenty years later are not exactly lining up with all the people I know experiencing it NOW. Like the people who had a newborn over twenty years old that say: "Oh, it was just so wonderful and easy" make moms in the thick of it go, huh? All phases of life that seem so huge at one point fade over time into a small montage of memories that remind us of once was. The details and emotions are lost somewhere along the way and we are left with whatever stands out.
I find myself trying to hold on to what Beau is like right now because I know it won't last long. I want to remember the memories because they are so special to me and the sweetness that a newborn brings is nothing short of a gift from God. It's truly one of the best things that ever happens to you. I love my baby so much. I can write that down, but it doesn't do nearly the justice that I feel. I would do anything for him and I love being around him so much. I love playing with him and holding him close. I love the sounds he makes when he sleeps, and how his hair sticks up after a bath. I love finding new things about him like when he's super tired and going to sleep a while, he puts his hand in the air. I call it "The hand of surrender to sleep"…it's so, so cute. He's so adorable and he gives me so much joy.
But that's not the only side to this time…there's a whole other side to it as well. It took me about three weeks of sleep deprivation to get there, but I have finally made it to the land of desperation people speak of. I totally thought in my last blog post that I was going to miss out on that, but it just took a few weeks to finally make it to the point of exhaustion I've never felt before. The one way ticket to crazy town.
Like…I thought it was Tuesday when it was really Thursday.
I slept on spit up and didn't even care because I thought "Well, my tshirt can soak it up"
My emotions are literally on the next level.
It's not parenting that's hard…it's the sleep deprivation. Getting eight hours and then taking care of a newborn would be the best and easiest job EVER. I was reading a book for bible study on how to battle depression as a mom and the main thing was to GET SLEEP. Ummmmm….not really an option here! I DO sleep when the baby sleeps, it's just that two hours here and there just doesn't cut it. That advice from people does not really make it any easier, I still feel like I've been to a bad junior high sleep over all the time. Emotions on almost a month of no sleeping is something I never knew was possible. I have literally turned into nothing short of a lunatic.
They say it's the best thing and hardest thing you'll ever do and it's so true. But they forgot to tell me that it would make me absolutely bonkers. It's that selective memory thing, I think. Who is this person?! And when will she ever have her toenails painted and eyebrows less jungleistic?! And for heavens sake when will she think strait ever again?!
I know times like these shape us and mold us into even better and stronger people. I know the best place we can be in life is being fully aware of our need for the Lord and strength from Him. I'm not wishing away this time because it's one of the most special times I've ever had…but I am fighting through this time as well. It's something I know I'll look back on and be proud of what I did and also scared of how crazy I was. On Duck Dynasty the other day after his son had his wisdom teeth taken out Willie said: "John Luke is sporting some nice crazy eyes to go with his new personality" I am sporting those crazy eyes…I feel ya, John Luke, I feel ya. Only my drug is sleep deprivation and it doesn't feel nearly as good.
Thanks to my many friends with newborns right now and my moms group at church, I know I'm not alone and it's completely normal to sport crazy eyes. That truly helps. We always need someone going through the same things in life to help us make it through and let us know our feelings are NORMAL. People outside of this phase treat me like I'm still a regular person like: "Hey, are you going to this or that?" Ummm…no…I'm barely alive here actually, but thanks for asking! And "Can I help?" can only be answered truly by "Yes, come take a night shift!!!" but that's not happening, haha. That's really all I need…ONE NIGHT…just ONE NIGHT!!!! *Crazy scream voice*
One day I want to invest in ministry for new moms just like my bible study leader is doing. I didn't know how deep the need there was. Yesterday it was raining and I had been up since 3 am and it's a 30 minute drive to church but I was going to make it there no matter what. I forced myself up and prayed to God that Beau would have peace in the car because I had to go to my moms group regardless of how hard it was to get there. It's like a cool, refreshing drink with like minded people that helps me get my week started right. I NEED that ministry probably more than I've ever needed a ministry in my whole life.
What I didn't know in my former years of looking enviously on the smiling pictures of people with newborns was how happy they truly were…and how desperate at the same time. Those smiles are very real and there's nothing that can brighten up your life like a baby...but oh, I've never felt so much need for encouragement from people and strength from the Lord. Not in my single years, not in college, not in my job. If I wasn't allowed to sleep those times, it would be just as bad but I was able to get those precious eight hours. Eight hours is all it takes for sanity to reign and there's many out there that are not able to get that. I will never ever take sleeping for granted again! It's truly a gift that we are given everyday to help us meet life the way it should be.
Taking care of a newborn would be the easiest thing in the world if they came out sleeping all night…BUT since they don't..it's kinda like trying to take a nap out in a hammock on a tropical island…with a fire set underneath your toosh. Fire-no sleep. Hammock on a tropical island- your baby. I'm so thankful I have the most wonderful husband in the world to be there beside me being so understanding and helpful and strong for me when I'm weak. I don't have my family close, but God gave me the right husband to support me and help me through anything. I love him more than ever because of how he has handled all of this. He is my hero in so many ways. When I cry in a loud cry from exhaustion that scares the cat and makes him run…Brian is always there to hold me close and pick me up. He's never afraid of what any man should be. He's truly amazing. :)
I'm holding my sweet baby right now and my heart swells to levels I can't even explain. He's worth it…he's so very, very worth it. I'd do this forever if it meant being with my little Beau. He has my whole heart wrapped around his tiny, chubby finger. I would never, ever go back…I would go back into this knowing everything that I know now over and over again. I love him…with the true meaning of love. Maybe it's the first time I've ever known so deeply what the TRUE meaning of love is. Giving of oneself when the other can't give much back in return. We are just as needy as a newborn and the Lord is the one that takes care of us and sustains us when we can't do much back. But He finds delight in us like we find delight in our babies. He sacrificed so much when we were unable to do anything for ourselves without him. And the bible does say in Psalms "The one who guards you never sleeps." I get a tiny glimpse of what that relationship is like now that I have this baby in my life. Just a tiny one.
I hear the sleep deprivation phase gets better, so stay tuned….this was written in the thick of the trenches so it won't be forever! Keep fighting new moms, keep fighting! :) We can do this!! With God, everything is possible!!!! Enjoy that cuteness of your baby and how sweet they feel in your arms and don't let the tiredness make you miss out on this precious and fleeting time. Find reasons to laugh everyday…it keeps me going. A smile makes greasy hair and crazy eyes look more appealing anyway. :)
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