It's been two weeks since I met my baby boy and it might as well of been a lifetime ago. I have never had such a short span of time seem so far away. I look at pictures of the day he was born and he already looks SO different. He grows and changes so much each day.
Right now as I type this, I have my sleeping baby in my arms. MY baby…I still can't believe it when I say that. He rocks slightly back and forth with each letter I type and I can tell he finds it comforting. If only you could hear his little soft snore beneath me and see his sweet face. He is truly a gift. My son…I can't say it enough.
It's hard to believe now, but before I had a baby, I was absolutely terrified. I heard horror story after horror story about the first weeks after giving birth and how your life is over and was honestly scared out of my mind. I am really bad on no sleep, so I didn't know how that was going to work out. There were so many doubts in my mind that I had, you know? Will I be a good mother? Will I know how to make him stop crying? What if I get overwhelmed and fall into major anxiety? Newborns seem so breakable, how will I know what to do? I let my realistic personality take away a lot of the joy that I should have been feeling. If there's anything I've learned in the first days it's this….motherhood, is so much better than I ever thought or imagined. Motherhood comes more naturally than I ever thought possible. Motherhood does not make you lose your life, it breathes life into you like you've never known.
You hear mothers say "It's worth it" and before I was a mother I didn't understand that. There's no way to explain it, but every hard thing truly is worth it and the good far outweighs any of the bad. I have gotten about three hours of sleep a night in the past two weeks and I wouldn't change that for the world. I wake up to my son and although I am sleepy and my bed has suddenly become much more inviting and comfortable than it was before…the face of my baby boy perks me up and I somehow come to life in the night…over and over and over. We spend many minutes of the night together, but it has truly bonded us together as mother and son.
I remember the very first night I spent with my sweet Beau. I was extremely tired from laboring two nights in a row and having him at 6:29am so I sent him to the nursery just for two hours to get a little bit of sleep. I told them to please send him to me if he was upset, because I really wanted to be there for him. Not long after, the nurses brought him back to me crying and in a fit. He was completely upset and the nurse said that she thought he was just missing me. Sure enough, I took him in my arms and he stopped crying immediately and just looked at me with little loving eyes. I cradled him close and we spent the next few hours sleeping as near to the way we had the past ten months as we could. The nurse smiled when she saw how happy he was and said: "I think he thinks he should still be in the womb!" I just couldn't make myself take away the comfort that our closeness brought him on that first night. And honestly…he's been a part of me, too. I needed him as much as he needed me. I pick him up a lot because I'm used to him being near me- a part of me. It's not easy being separated when you are so used to someone hiccuping and wiggling inside you for so long.
I've already become better at being a mom in the first two weeks and there has definitely been a learning curve. When he first got home, I barely knew how to change a diaper but luckily babies are VERY forgiving. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and fumbling around with his diaper trying to figure out how in the world it goes, and he just stared at me like he didn't care that I had no clue what I was doing.
I barely slept the first few nights he got home (literally about forty five minutes) because I was so busy checking if he was still breathing. When a human being that small is sleeping next to your bedside, it's a little bit unnerving for the first few nights! I would put my hand under him to get a reaction just to make sure he was alive and well! That lasted for about four nights and I am proud to say, I now sleep soundly and am comfortable with him there. But…maybe I still check a few times. ;)
These past fourteen days have been absolutely wonderful for me. Even though I have been recovering, it really has not been that hard at all. I once asked a new mom with a one month old if the past month had been hard. She replied with an answer I'll never forget: "We've wanted this baby for so long. If you want something this bad, it's not hard to do what you need to do."
Maybe that's why it hasn't been that hard for me. This is what I have always wanted my entire life. This is what I have been wanting to wake up to do everyday since I can remember. I look at my baby at this very moment and my heart swells with purpose and meaning and the hard parts just fade away. Sure, I haven't showered, I'm in pain, and I look like I have two black eyes from lack of sleep, but that's what I wanted. Nothing truly meaningful in life comes without a sacrifice.
I truly believe that these days where my baby needs me for everything and I sacrifice even the ability to go to the bathroom or get a drink when I want are the times that will keep us close and bonded forever. We care about the things that we put our heart and souls into. We care about the things we sacrifice for more than anything that is just given to us easily.
Even though it IS full of sacrifices, it has been much easier than I thought. MUCH easier. I think it's because before I couldn't imagine how much I'd love him and how much I'd want to do things for him. Plus, those motherly instincts the Lord gives us are such amazing things and help us new mothers get it done! I feel like I have these new traits inside me that are super powers that I never hard before. I see myself doing these things and wonder who on earth I am. But I really like who I am.
My heart has overflowed with happiness time and time again and I have yet to get too overwhelmed simply because I've made it. I've finally started this journey that I've been waiting to start since I can remember.
So with tired eyes and a pleasant heart….I say goodnight to you. My little love is about to wake up and right now it's my job to put everything else aside for my baby. The one who is entrusted to me for these precious moments that will end far too soon.
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