On a rainy September morning just a few days before Beau was born, I sat in the car listening to the wipers go back and forth in front of the hospital and wrote these words:
"In only a few short days I'll be in the hospital that stands before me right now meeting my son for the first time. It's so surreal to even be saying those words right now. So many emotions wash over me from excitement, joy, and anticipation to fear, anxiety, and apprehension. There's so much unknown with what's about to happen and the pain and weeks to come really scare me. I can't even fathom what a love like that will feel like. It's so good to be reminded that it's God's plan for me to be a mom and that He will be present with me along the way. God, thank you for reminding me that you know my shortcomings, yet decided to entrust me with this precious soul of Yours. He is even more Your child than he is mine and I'm so thankful that You the most perfect parent are here to help us along the way. Please come and be the parent to your baby with me and show me how to be what he needs."
It's crazy to think just how different the person is writing right now than the person who was writing then. Nothing in my life has ever changed me like becoming a mother has. I had so much unknown, fear, and uncertainties flowing through me then that have all but disappeared by now. It's hard to imagine what life will be like and how you will handle it when you don't KNOW that child yet.
God REALLY answered my prayer and has been with me every step of the way. The first few weeks weren't that bad because I was on many, many meds, but week 5-8 were extremely hard. That's when the narcotics faded and the help left. God helped me through those weeks and got me through them by His strength alone and it truly brought us closer. I couldn't of done it without Him. Those weeks are important though because it brings the bond between a mother and baby closer. Anything you sacrifice so much for becomes even more important to you.
After that things got so much easier, and now things don't feel hard at all. (Unless his routine is thrown off, then it's all another story! haha Prayers appreciate for Christmas week!!!) I have gotten up every single night for three months now and have survived! I have figured out so much that I didn't think I'd be able to and it's amazing how much more naturally this life fits me than I even thought.
Every time I look at my son and he is just staring at me with loving eyes, I know that there's no other job I'd rather be doing. I am extremely thankful to my husband for understanding and being behind me when I said being a stay at home mom was important to me. I am so thankful that I get to spend every day with my baby because one day he will have a whole new life and dear old mom won't be his number one favorite thing like I am now.
I mean...I am literally his favorite thing of all time. When I'm cheering for him in the stands when he's in fifth grade or waving at him obnoxiously in the school parking lot, it may not be the same. Brian is already telling me I have to tone it down for the poor fella. I love to cheer on people...I'll really have to restrain.
But not yet...today Beau loves for me to cheer him on and thinks I'm the coolest person ever. He also thinks I'm one of the only people on this planet. He thinks life is all about ME and I'm okay with that. He doesn't know any different and I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
I think way too far ahead so I find myself being sad over the fact that I won't get to spend all my time with him because one day that would be considered crazy. I can't stalk him at college or make him stay home with me forever. But for now...for now he's here. And mom says by the time I need to let him go, It'll be okay because I'll be tired of parenting anyway.
I hope she's right.
My thoughts on parenting three months in as you all probably know from my insane amount of pictures and chatter is that it is AMAZING. And much, much, MUCH easier than I originally thought. I think I'll probably have my kids far apart so I can keep saying that statement, haha. It's probably like juggling...it's easy to just throw up and catch one ball but when you add more to the mix, I bet it gets pretty tough. One baby is not bad at all, though. In fact...it's a truly wonderful life.
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