Sunday, January 8, 2012

*Maybe We'll Finally Get It*

"Maybe this time we'll get it. REALLY get it." I heard Pastor Mark say as the worship guitar started to strum contemplatively. Not thirty seconds later as the praise song words came on the screen, 25% of the room started heading for the door to get to lunch early…unchanged.

Today we were talking about Grace. We were talking about how we get bored with church because we forget about the great work God has done in us. We forget how black and cold our hearts are and get consumed with who we "think we are". We have this perception of ourselves that makes us feel pretty good. We start to think that God is lucky to have us on His team and we even have these beliefs that God should answer our prayers exactly the way we want because of it. We become spoiled in a sense and forget who we truly are in our deepest, ugliest parts.

It's easy for me to forget how broken I am. There are very few people that have to experience the worst parts of me and let me tell you…if they catch a glimpse, they are headed to tim buck two outta my life with not so much as a new address to leave behind. It's easy to forget that dreaded part of me because 98% of the people who know me or come into contact with me only see my good sides.

It's so easy for me to look at my life and get a blinded pride by what I think I am. I mean…I am taking care of children all day long and pouring out my life to them. I am constantly told how amazing that is and I'm not gonna lie…it's an adorable job. Nobody looks at me when I tell them I'm a first grade teacher and says: "Ewww…terrible life calling." NO, they think it's precious.

It's the cutest thing to have on a resume and it kinda gets to my head sometimes. I start to feel like I'm this really great person especially since it comes so easily for me. What some people see as hard work or a pain in the neck, I see as a fun and exciting day. I LOVE loving children. I am always courteous to other teachers and haven't gotten even close to an altercation with anyone. I never talk bad about others or spread gossip in the halls. I stay very peaceful and look pretty good to myself. I get on my high horse thinking that I'm teaching bible everyday and that must mean something great. I find myself believing I'm a good person….and even worse…I sometimes think I'm a better person than others. I brought a kid to Christ, what did you do today?

Look at me…Abby….first grade teacher…lover of children…teacher of bible stories…giver of time and efforts to others constantly throughout my week. My closet has no immodesty to be seen and I have more Christian books than anyone I know. Some people even say I encourage them or help them through some of my blog posts. Look at me…so holy. So GOOD.

I forget how much grace I need daily and put the people out of my life that bring about those hidden truths about myself. Anyone who knows the sinful side that is not seen on a regular basis…oh you know, I just call them crazy and head for the door! They do NOT know what they are talking about. They HAVE to be wrong about me.

Only, they aren't wrong at all.

I have not had an opinion of myself that is true. I am not GOOD. There is nothing good within me and my heart is painfully deceitful and wicked. The only way I am able to be good is because of the Holy Spirit within me. He has given me my passion and loves and has made it possible for me to do whatever it is that I'm doing. Because of His grace and His grace ALONE, I am able to live a life that I can be proud of.

In the midst of everything going so well this year, I forgot how much of a wretch I truly am. Maybe some of the hard things I've been through in my life are worth it just because I'm reminded of how bad I can be. How much grace I have been given and how unworthy I am of eternal life and forgiveness. I am nothing….I am nothing but a sinful girl with a heart that is hopelessly wicked to it's core.

I think that's what's so amazing about grace. A girl who is desperately deceitful even to herself is turned into this royal saint with all sin wiped away as if it never happened. I am filthy and needy, and yet the Lord longs to pick me up and clothe me with strength and dignity. He wants me to think good things about myself and have confidence in knowing that I am a daughter of Christ.

He loves me as much on my bad days as he does on my good. Grace is not something that we have to work for and we don't have to make ourselves "better" in order to get the favor of God. The favor of God is already given and there's nothing I can do that will make Jesus stop loving me. There is no time in my life when He won't give me another chance. His mercies are new every morning.

When the pastor said "maybe we'll finally get it"…I realized that I don't think we can. As I write this, I still cannot fathom it. I do not understand it in my mind and part of me still doesn't believe it to be true. I still feel ashamed to write in my journal about some of the things I did or feel. Sometimes I stay away from my devotional at night just because I'm afraid to see myself for what I really am. I feel so embarrassed because I know God has taught me better. I hate that I do some of the things that I do!

The Lord wants us to come with our hearts open and our mind clear of the illusion that we need to be something "holy" or "good" to spend time with Him. He doesn't want us to ever feel shame when it comes to Him, because He has already forgiven us. I write that right now, but I still can't get it in my mind. I just can't. It's too great of a thought…..I feel my brain stretching to try to understand it, but it's impossible.

I need to stop this teeter totter mind game of going from feeling so "good" and "holy", to feeling too broken and ashamed to come to Him. Both of these things are hurtful to us, and both of these things do not bring us closer to the Lord. We need to stop thinking we are better than we are and see ourselves for the broken, filthy people that NEED a savior more than anything else. But on the other hand, we CAN'T let that bring about shame that stops us from going to the Lord. We cannot allow the truth about who we are give us shame that will separate us from the only One who can make us new.

This afternoon I fell asleep for three hours and literally could not wake up. I could hear things going on around me, but I stayed asleep even so. It was so random, because I go plenty of sleep last night….maybe I took that nap so I could write this tonight. It's neat how the Lord works.

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