"BRIAN!!!" I yelled louder and more dramatic than I ever meant to as everyone stopped what they were doing to stare.
He walked over with an amused smile trying not to laugh as I filled my coffee with hazelnut creamer. "I don't think I can do this!" I said with desperation and a tear in my eye, "You don't understand!!! I CANNOT do this!"
"Yes, you can." he said trying hard to make me feel like he was taking me seriously. "He will be FINE." He pointed me in the right direction so we could sit down before the service started. I had this overwhelming and unstoppable wave come over me…that wave of needing to cry and not having any capability to stop it. "Brian, I am seriously losing it here! I am about to cry, I am about to cry!!!" "Just focus on the screen…you CAN make it." "You're right..I'll just look like I'm really moved by this song." I kept checking his phone every five minutes just to make sure everything really WAS okay.
Now, I know this shouldn't be this dramatic of a moment in life, but for me it WAS. I promise you, motherhood makes people absolutely crazy. The reason I was freaking out is that I finally bit the bullet and sent Beau to the church nursery this morning and it was NOT easy. I had so many reasons before now that I could use in my mind not to send him: "It's flu season and he hasn't had a shot","He freaks out when I'm not around, I don't want him to fuss for the teacher the entire time", "I can just take him to the video church with me, no problem", "He's too little","Nobody can take care of him like I can","He seems tired","It's crawling with germs in there"!!!
I kinda ran out of reasons now that it's summer and his flu shot has come and gone and he's gotten completely social with strangers. He really is too big to take to video church because now that he's moving, sitting in his seat does not cut it anymore. Plus he scream talks really loud at the most inopportune times like when there's a song about death or something extremely serious. It just really ruins the mood for everyone. And, he REALLY likes people and wants to be in big groups. I knew in my heart of hearts that he was ready. I just didn't know if I was.
"Beau, it's going to be JUST fine." I said to him as he smiled at me bouncing in his bouncy chair while I wrote his name on everything in his diaper bag with a sharpie. I stared at his cute little face and realized that I needed to let go even though I didn't want to. I needed to trust that God would take care of him even when I wasn't around. I was really telling myself it would be fine more than anything. I KNOW that Beau is more God's than mine, and part of acting on that is making myself do things like sending him to the nursery and giving him up for even a short time.
Maybe that's why it felt so big to me. Maybe it wasn't even about the nursery. Maybe it's the fact that one day the feeling I had of just being a normal adult sitting in church without a baby is going to be every Sunday. And, honestly? I don't want to go back to being a normal adult. But I HAVE to do what's best for Beau and in this case, that was sending him to the nursery.
Of course he LOVED it. I came to pick him up and he was in a circle with eight other babies laughing and kicking his feet. Some sitting, some on their stomachs, some bouncing in a chair. Beau had his chubby little arm trying to grab a baby just out of reach. His teacher picked him up and brought him to us and he was absolutely glowing with excitement from being around all his new friends.
He is SO energized by people, it cracks me up. He kept hollering, laughing, and trying to touch everybody on the way out. I mean, this baby crowd was good for him and I love to see him that excited.
That made it worth it. That will make every single time I have to let go worth it. Because no boy dreams of spending their lives with their moms all the time no matter how much we wish that were the case, haha. I know that everyday that I hold him now, I'm just teaching him how to love well and hold his family later. It's not about me.
I know the lesson of letting go isn't easy and takes lots of time. I think of the parents with graduates this month and how they have to feel that same feeling only on a much larger scale. It's not easy, but it's right. We are teaching our kids how to go and be their own people and be independent. We are reminding ourselves that they are God's and He is the Parent that goes everywhere with them no matter what. Even when we can't.
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