*A Restless Puzzle*

When I think about the past month or so, adequate words really don't come to mind to describe it. It's been good in a lot of ways, it's been weird, it's been stressful, and it's been difficult. But as I write these words, I can't help but feel like I'm on the verge of something incredible. Like I'm about to get something that I haven't ever gotten before. Like all the stress and confusion will be worth it. I feel like it always is.

I had the closest encounter to God the other day that I've ever had in my life, but it wouldn't of come about if I hadn't had some difficult times recently. I think my entire life I have been trying to fill the void inside of me with things of this world. I know we all do it, I know we're all guilty, but for some reason the more I realized life doesn't satisfy, the more I would try harder to find things that would. If I could get this, I would be happIER and that would be better. I would follow God in hopes that He would give me what I wanted like it seemed was happening around me to everyone else. I know that is false thinking, but it sure felt like it. When your time is spent planning shower after shower for your twin and best friends….it definitely feels like it. I made that deal with God that if He let me get married before my sister had a baby, then all would be forgiven about the making me wait thing. I wasn't saying it was okay with me, I was just saying I'd find a way to get over it. She soon got pregnant…I soon got hurt by a boy AGAIN. and AGAIN. and you know…AGAIN.

I look at the world and take it in a lot. Something that I've begun to realize is that the people around me who get what I think are the keys to happiness…still have as many struggles as I do. It's not like you walk down the isle and everything is great. It's like you walk down the isle and still are a sinful and broken person…only you have someone that knows that about you now. It's kind of easy to cover up my sin nature when I'm single….no wonder people think I'm great!

Because I've noticed a lot about the world and God has done a lot in my heart…I've started thinking in a new way. I think my whole desire to be married to someone and a mom is fading in comparison to my desire to live and be with Christ that is becoming larger everyday. Sure, that is still HUGE and I want that really bad in my life. In fact…I wrote about it today while modeling "God's Plan For My Life" which is my most recent writing for the wall in my first grade class. I desire to take care of babies and my husband and I think that's a good thing. I'm not saying it's over…I'm just saying that I realize that none of that will every make me truly satisfied like I thought. I realize that my desire inside is not actually for THAT. None of it will fill me like I've always believed. I thought those things would make me happy and I am sad to report that sometimes I would purposefully try to be close to God so that He would grant me what I thought would make me whole….but I'm realizing that He is the only source that I am truly seeking in the deepest parts of my heart. I am changing my view of EVERYTHING.

For the first time in my life a few days ago it dawned on me that this longing so deep is for the life I was created for…the life I don't have yet. We were asked in church what our deepest longings are, and most people just said a husband or kids or whatever we dream for in this life. But my deepest desire will only be met when I'm standing beside my Savior in Heaven. My closest encounter to God came in a moment a few days ago when I just looked up and said as if a light had just gone off in my head: "My deepest desire is YOU. I just want to be with YOU."

I felt the spirit of God so heavy on me like I never have before. I tell my bible study girls that I'm charismatic not because I want to be, but because I can't deny it. I know odd things to say are so not vogue because we like to put God in a box and control what He can do, but they are true so I'm not going to cover it up. He held me there in that moment…just like He will hold me for all of eternity. I seriously felt His arms around me and if the arms of God could speak I know they would say: "YES! That's IT!!!"….He has been trying to tell me that for SO LONG and I just couldn't hear it. The secret can't be found in this life no matter how hard I try to find it. Our desires will never be met…we will be restless until we are made new.

I just want to stop making bad decisions because of my restlessness. My passionate desire for God has caused me to do things that I regret at times because I just know things should be different and I try to make it right on my own. I know that I should feel put together and not like a ton of puzzle pieces scattered around the floor. But that's what I am right now…I am just a broken puzzle that cannot be fully put together until the other side of this world. Hopefully being aware of that can help me make better decisions on what I do and pursue to try and fill the void. Maybe I won't be so quick to assume what will make me happy and I can focus on seeing what God thinks is right for me right now. Maybe I won't use others to give me my significance. Maybe I won't just follow God because I think He will give me what I want. Maybe I can really have a true relationship with Him that is based on truth…the truth that He is the only thing that can set me free. He is the only one that can give me what I need and His well will never run dry. He is the only One who can make me whole. He is the only One who can give me significance. He is what I long for…He is my deepest desire.

And He is yours, too. I bet some decisions you made today were based on that desperate longing inside for the perfect life with God you were created to live….whether you know it or not.