*My Slow Journey to Being Outdoorsy*

I finally took a walk alone down my street and I feel like I've really taken a large step forward in my quest to be outdoorsy. I have wanted to take a walk on these pretty days for a while now,  but it's really scary for me when I look out my bedroom window and see a bobcat smiling at me, and that snake in the middle of the road still fills my mind with questions. Even the insects here are enlarged and seem to be eating something to make them grow twice the size they were in Arkansas. But then again…maybe I didn't get close enough to look.

It's not only the wild beasts that make me fearful of walking on my street as much as the VERY large dogs. Every time I drive through the neighborhood, I see enormous dogs running loose that I'm sure are VERY loyal to their masters, but not to outsiders. We all got a note in our mailbox to tie up the dogs in the area, but out in the country…folks don't really listen to that. I hear gunshots often…people just do what they want. That's what the country is for, right?

I really do WANT to experience the beauty of nature, but it has really scary things that come with it. I feel like every time I go outside, I end up having to face some fear or put myself in the path of potential pain. When we were little, punishment didn't feel good so we learned not to do something because of it. That's EXACTLY how I learned to run from nature. It punished me in full many times. It might've punished me with a bee sting, or falling into the rocks at Pinnacle, or seeing a snake out in the yard, or getting torn up by a sticker bush. It just seemed to come with a lot of pain…and aren't we supposed to learn to get AWAY from something if it's painful? Why am I so judged for my lack of love for the outdoors?! It only makes logical sense that I would feel this way. I DO NOT like to feel pain, so I run from things that bring it.

Knowing where my problem with the outdoors comes from helps me understand and take baby steps in the right direction. My lack of willingness to run to the trees is not just some random accident. It was from very clear and direct punishments from nature.

But I'm still trying…even though it's hard to see the positives that outweigh the negatives, I'm still TRYING to be more outdoorsy. I'm TRYING to be less fearful of the hornets nest right outside the door. I'm TRYING to imagine myself tanning in the backyard without panicking about a snake or bobcat or turkey ruining the experience. I'm TRYING to imagine myself at the top of the food chain with nothing to fear,  but my brain is telling me that being outside is where the danger could come. Inside…looking from the window…it's just beauty without consequence. 

If all the wildlife was taken away, I really would enjoy nature more. I love the beauty of the trees and the smell of being outside. I like to be on the lake in the boat where I can experience all the joy of creation with all the dangers underneath and out of my mind. I WANT to be outdoorsy, because I like the outside, I really do. I just hate the feeling you have when you spot a snake…even if it doesn't hurt you. I don't like putting myself in places to get spooked, because I scare myself enough in my own mind and don't need any reality to help. 

But I do want to be braver and less fearful when it comes to going outside regardless of the fact that wildlife will always be there.  I've already figured out how to be outside on the beach pretty well and I can also do the lake like a champ…but I guess the next thing on my list is being okay with the woods. 

My baby step one towards that goal is officially completed. I took a walk alone down my street and I made it. And I'm okay. It was actually very nice and nothing bad happened. It was worth putting myself in snakes way…because the feeling I got was far greater than the fear.