*Perfect Timing*

Do you ever wake up and look at the world completely different? I feel like I go through phases in my head where my view of things seem to change. I never know when those days will be, but sometimes I just wake up and feel….different.

Obviously my life has changed over night for two very important reasons which is probably why I feel this way. The MOST important thing is that I'm now an aunt to a beautiful baby boy who has stolen my heart completely! :) A very close second is that I am finally where I've wanted to be for so long and have started my career.

I feel like I can't even write about Samuel because there are no words that truly portray how wonderful it feels to be an aunt. I'm sure many of you are wondering (don't lie) how it feels to have a twin sister who is married and has a newborn baby when you haven't even had a date in three years. I'm here to tell you that no matter what we plan for our lives, God has His own plans and He has His ways of making us okay with that. I couldn't be more overjoyed to have this baby in my life!!! I am absolutely head over heels IN LOVE!!! My heart is complete putty in his hands and it's never going back! Samuel is my little love and I would go to the ends of the earth for him. My heart is thrown at him completely with no hinderances which is my favorite type of love. :) I am so thankful to Jesus for my nephew and I rush over after work to hold him for hours. I never want to let go!

Although my heart is full of peace and joy now, i'll be honest...it wasn't always like that. For the first few months of Molly's pregnancy I had a really hard time dealing with it. I told God very politely that as long as He brought me a man before Molly had a baby, then I'd be fine that I was second to be married. I think God makes me feel so special that I definitely overstep my bounds sometimes! I wonder if He sometimes just looks at me and shakes his head. Probably because I say "I know it's wrong to say this, BUT…" I mean, I am completely honest with God and we have a very open relationship so I made sure that He knew my agenda. Aka…get a man before the first grandchild. He really didn't answer that one the way I wanted exactly, though. Infact…I kinda got more heartbreak instead! I would sometimes just yell at God and try to convince Him that He was not fair. It's interesting because whenever I would hold my fists up and question God, He had a way of grabbing my hands softly and pulling me into a hug. Even though I thought that I had a better way of handling my life than God, He still just wanted me close. Even though I was throwing a complete fit…He held me even tighter.

Jesus has grown me a lot since then and I wouldn't be the woman I am today without the struggles that have come in the past two years. Even though it isn't always easy, I have so much joy and I know that Samuel didn't come a moment too soon. I am convinced that God has PERFECT timing and nothing could've taught me that more than my wrestling with God. I ask for love…and I seem to get heartbreak. I follow God and work so hard to live a life of purity…and I get to sit at home with my frogs. There is definitely no kissing going on in my life, believe that! Just me and the frogs who like to cuddle which is kinda rude….I can never seem to escape the third wheel role. That's just the way it is right now, but I wouldn't have it any other way if that is what Jesus chooses for me these days! God promises to work everything together for my good and I believe that because He has and will!

I know God has the perfect plan for me and I trust Him with my life. I am now at a point where I see what He has been doing and I am so thankful that I am where I am today. Jesus has been SO good to me!!!! I am in absolute awe and I have never trusted God as much as I trust Him right now. Sometimes we just have to keep drudging forward in the dark, forcing our hearts to believe that it will all make sense one day. And it will.

I am starting to see things come together that I didn't understand before and I cannot tell you how full of happiness I am now that I've started my job. It's like I've been searching my whole life for where I fit in the world and I've finally found it. I was MADE to teach babies….everything about myself that I didn't understand now makes perfect sense. God has made me exactly the way I need to be and I am so thankful.

I am convinced that everything will make sense in time no matter how long we are in the dark. You just wait…..for every trial I face in my life, I can guarantee you that something beautiful will come. God's timing is PERFECT. God's plan is the BEST for my life. How can I argue? How can I complain? My Jesus knows what He's doing, even when I don't understand.