Tuesday, September 21, 2010

*Biking Mom and The Don'ts of Profile Pictures*

Every morning I open my window to see what's going on outside before I get ready. I usually see a runner or two jogging up the hill with gloomy frowns on and sweat running down their faces. Nobody smiles when they jog and by the looks of it, they must be having a terrifying experience. They look like sheep going to the slaughter and if you don't believe me, stare at some joggers every morning if you get the chance.

Today I happened to see an extremely thin/tan young mom riding swiftly up the hill on a bike with her baby on the back. My mouth flew open and I mouthed to her with a mad face "SHOW OFF!". That's not the kinda thing I like to see when I wake up in the morning. But the cute baby with the little helmet on the back was definitely adorable. Maybe one day i'll dress my baby up like that because it IS so cute, but nix the whole pumping tirelessly up the hill before dawn part.

On another note, I've noticed something over the past few years that needs to be addressed. It is somewhat of a modern day phenomenon if you will. Single men have the hardest time picking out profile pictures that are even a little bit okay. Attractive men find the most revolting picture they can and post it up on their page. Ladies, how many times do we want to show our girlfriends who we have a crush on only to have to say: "Oh wait, let me find another, this is a HORRIBLE picture of him!" Who is tired of having to say this?! I know I am. I think they truly think they are picking a good picture, so I've decided to make a few rules to go by in order to help any single man out there that is guilty of committing some profile picture crimes.

Profile Picture Don'ts:

1.) Don't put a picture of you shirtless showing off your muscles in the bathroom. You love your muscles more than we do, so please refrain.

2.) Don't put a picture up of you surrounded by girls. That's the most unattractive thing in the world, but at least your "boys" may think you're awesome…however,no girls will.

3.) Don't put a picture up of you and your car. We don't even know what that car is or why you happen to have it in your picture. I'm looking to see what you look like, not your car.

4.) Don't put a picture of you with a strange smile on. Ask a woman if your smile is weird, because she'll know.

5.) Don't put a picture of yourself from years ago. This is considered false advertisement in the worst sense and you should be ticketed by the police. Pick something recent.

6.) Don't put a picture of you and your latest dead animal kill. It does not stir the heart of a woman to see you with blood all over your hands and bambi mercilessly in your arms.

7.) Don't put a picture of yourself not smiling, because it makes you look like a creeper. On the creeper note…make sure you avoid any pictures where you happen to have a creeper mustache. The other phenomenon is what facial hair men think is actually appealing to us. Let me help you out here as well….Fails of facial hair= Soul patch, Random circular hair on your chin, only a mustache, and let's throw the go-t in there as well.

Now for what you SHOULD do:

1.) Do ask the girls around you if you look your best in the picture or not. They know better than you do.

2.) Do put a picture of you and a baby if you are really wishing to look attractive. Infact…there's a book which has a picture of a man shirtless on one side and a man with a baby on the other fully clothed. Studies show that a woman is more attracted to the man with the baby! SO TRUE!!!

3.) How about I just give the ultimate advice to ask the females in your life what profile picture you should choose. Even if you aren't dating, there are still girls that cross your path so use them as a resource. Men who are no longer single usually have a better profile picture and I have a sneaky suspicion that there's a woman behind it all. And if you have no women to talk to…I'm always here for you.

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