They say the emotions will hit you when you least expect it.
The crash of how did we get here already? The wave of gratefulness that he is mine. The unknown of what's next. The sadness. The happiness. The ache. The relief. The nudging inside that is constantly reminding me it's almost time. The feeling that I'm not ready to let him go but at the same time I am. It's so hard to explain.
My firstborn starts kindergarten this week and even writing that feels surreal. I've watched other parents before me go through this and it's always felt so far away but now it's my turn and I can hardly believe it. 1/3 of his childhood is over and I can barely wrap my mind around that. Parenthood goes by SO slow until you get to the easier part and then it speeds up. It's so fast you can barely hang on to the days and you wonder how life started being this way.
I haven't had the reality of this next phase of life hit me until this week because I've been so focused on the fun things we had going on this summer. For a few blissful, sunny months it felt like maybe it wasn't actually going to happen. It still felt really far off and I didn't let my mind go there because I wasn't ready. I'd been wondering when it would all finally hit me and it happened in a moment I least expected it...while folding a fresh pair of socks.
That day, I had just hung all of his new uniform shirts in a row and folded his shorts neatly underneath. Near those I placed a brand new pair of tennis shoes never worn just waiting to be dirty from a life well lived. Nothing hit me while I got any of this ready which truly surprised me. I felt absolutely NOTHING. Then it unexpectedly hit me all at once as I sat down on the floor and opened a new package of socks and started to fold them into balls. For some reason as the pile of those bright, white socks got bigger, so did my emotions. In that moment I knew, REALLY knew the time was coming and I just started crying. Crying so deeply over so many things.
It wasn't the first time and it won't be that last moment my emotions get so big in a mundane moment. This is motherhood, we feel deeper and on another level than we ever have before and I think every mom reading this will understand what I went through. I actually feel so grateful that I get this opportunity to cry because that means I've loved deeply and it's the sum of all the little moments that have turned into something bigger. I treasure it!
Despite all the emotions, the one that overpowers them all is thankfulness. I have so much peace that the school I'm sending Beau to is exactly where God wants us to be right now and I am completely resting in that. I am sad, but I'm also so excited! I'm excited for all he'll learn and that he's going to be pushed harder than my personality allows to push somebody. Life is not just a party and that's hard for me to grasp! I'm excited that he gets to stay because he's always begged to be at school longer than I'd let him. I'm excited for all the friendships he'll make and the ones he already has that will get deeper. I'm excited to watch him grow in ways we never imagined. I'm excited that the assessments will allow him to get any intervention and help he needs to succeed and be the best version of himself. Whatever success looks like for HIM, that's what this school will allow him. I'm excited for some much needed one on one time with Luke. I'm also really excited for us to miss each other again because too much togetherness does become a thing for us, haha!
All in all I'm so overwhelmingly grateful for that pile of socks that helped me let all the emotions out. I am a mother and that is a moment that all my love, hard work, and commitment to my child has given me. That moment is the sum of so many beautiful things. To all the moms sending their children off in some way this week and having these moments with me, I see you! We are in this together and you are doing a GREAT job.
