There was a moment hours into watching my son suffer and fight for his life that I knew I would have to stay with him alone. I was told parents only and possibly only one in the room. Not that it mattered, Brian was hours away trying to get to us. Shaken up and changed forever, I looked at my sister in law kelsey and said "This is a time you're glad when Jesus goes with you."
We spent hours in the ER after a fast paced "code red" situation. I knew it was whatever code red means because a nurse said it on the intercom after taking Beau's vitals and it seemed to be the loudest sound I'd ever heard in my life. 14 people surrounding my son as I was by his head rubbing him and holding his hand. "You're doing great, try not to hold his has SO tight" a really sweet nurse told me with a comforting voice. I WAS holding on so tight. One of my two greatest treasures was in front of me fighting for his life.
A little candy bar he got into without anyone seeing. A little candy bar is all it could take. I didn't know how serious it could get, I really didn't know.
We arrived at the ER around 7 and I'll never forget the security guard looking at him and saying urgently "Don't wait in line! Go!!" I've never realized how lucky I was to have to wait forever on the stomach bug infested chairs in an ER before. If you have to wait that's good news. We didn't have to wait...
Four and 1/2 traumatizing hours later my baby boy was finally asleep and I could breathe again. We were moved to the hospital and not long after I was alone with Beau in a hospital room. He looked so small in the bed. Sitting by a familiar computer screen lighting and steady beeps in the background, I finally let myself breakdown. I just cried and cried expecting to feel so alone but I didn't.
Chills hit me hard when I could feel God with me so near in that moment. He was there as He always is, but in a closer more obvious way. Comforting me. Holding us. Beau was finally comforted and so was I. God was THERE.
I believe in God because I know Him and I feel Him. I believe in God because He's not just something I read or hear about. He's the most important part of me.
Until the story ends and God can wipe away our tears forever, He's there with us in them. I know He hurts for us, too. I know seeing us suffer is so hard for Him. But He's there through the hardest moments of our lives feeling it with us, too. He's emotional. Sitting by us suffering is as hard for Him as it is for me to sit by my son and hold his hand while he was in agony and fear. God was human, He understands our pain. And more than that He loves us like His own children. His life was filled with more pain than I could ever imagine. He knows suffering and He's there with us through it.
Today Beau came up to me and said: "You didn't leave me, mama. Honey didn't leave me, mama." He was obviously talking about the actual ER because we both were there the entire time until he fell asleep. Even a three year old is impacted by knowing he won't be left in the hardest times. We won't be left in our hardest times, either. He is there. And He is GOOD.
