*Realizations*

Last night I feel like a burden I've never had to bear before came into my life. I've never wanted to be holier than thou, and always despised when people acted as if they were too good for sin, because we are all very sinful people. But last night I was in a situation where the sin around me just cut deep into my soul. It was not even horrible sin, but it was people who had just come from an amazing church service and seemed unchanged. I felt so burdened because of the realization that there are VERY few people that are in the fight for Jesus' victory, and most of us give Satan the upper hand on many occasions. Even myself! I became so upset at all my past and everything I had done. All the times I've let Satan win the battle, and kept my eyes shut to the things of God. And those times I still read my bible and went to church and felt good about my Christianity. Most people go to church to feel warm and fuzzy, most people that go to church are not getting it completely. I feel like I am just now seeing and realizing things that I never have before. And last night the weight of sin was just so heavy on me. I felt horrible because I don't want to be that person that is so strict on sin, but the fact of the matter is....when my eyes are open to the spiritual battles in this world, sin kills me! Sin hurts my heart!!! I can't even turn on my tv much anymore because I feel so weighed down by it. It's not that I'm holier than thou, it's that it actually kills my soul! I feel a weight inside of me when I watch something that is not of God. And some of those things are only PG! I mean....it's just this world is soooo lost. The Christians are sometimes as lost as the people who are not. It is so sad. SO very, very sad. It really weighs me down, and what makes me the most sad is that Satan is getting our hearts instead of God. The one who created all things, and is the One who loves us most!!! This world is NOT FAIR! I do not like it!!!! I want my best friend, Jesus, to get the credit He deserves!!!!!!! He has patience, He knows the day is coming. But I want Him to have it NOW!!!! He is so nice to me, I just want Him to have the credit now!!!!! It makes me so upset! He calms my heart about things that should hurt Him more than me. He's just great like that.

I am sick of evil prevailing!!! I am sick of evil winning! I am sick of having to live everyday with a sin nature inside of me!!!! I am the enemy, I am a sinful person!!!! I hate it!!!!!! I want to be in Heaven and be rid of it, especially when I am so aware of it! There is a verse I was reading about how there should be weeping and sorrow over the sins we have done. The dancing should stop and sorrow should feel the air over all our sins. And I feel like that was last night. I was weeping, crying as hard as I can cry over what I have done before. All the times I let Satan win. All of the times I let the fog come over my eyes and just went on with life my own way. All the times I chose to not ask for wisdom, and live in darkness. All the times I sinned and didn't even feel guilty!!!! I mean, it is horrible!!!!! So many people are exactly where I was!!!! Reading their bible, and going to church, yet still letting Satan win!!! People in the church can be just as lost as people out of the church. I was so lost. I thought I had everything sorted out, I thought I had life figured out. But I was SO wrong. Lots of people are so wrong, and I just want to scream WAKE UP!!!!! Hello!!!! We are all helping the Devil here!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE THE CHURCH!!!! It makes me so sad. And last night things that had never bothered me before started to break my heart. God is opening my eyes to a lot of things, but the realization of the battle, and the Christians helping out the evil one makes my heart sick. This is a heavy post, but it's the truth. My human nature kinda wishes I didn't know the truth. Didn't see the battle. Because it hurts. We like to do things that make ourselves feel warm and fuzzy. But the realizations are not warm and fuzzy. But God gives me warm and fuzzy feelings when I turn to Him in my time of sadness. He comforted me last night, and taught me about patience. He could destroy this evil world, but he is patient and waiting for others to come to Him. What a good God!!!!! He is SO AMAZING AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH! :) He is the only one who brings true wisdom!