*What's best after all*

Sometimes the worst part of something is all the worry I feel before it happens. More often than not, I over worried and it's not as bad as I thought. By the time I realize everything will be okay, I've already filled a room with tears and gotten a few extra pounds from emotional eating.

Before I moved here, I thought my world would completely fall apart. I thought nothing existed outside the amazing hills and greenery that was Arkansas. I had many emotional fits leading up to it just KNOWING that I would constantly miss my old life. But I knew deep down, that if I didn't leave…that would be much worse. I knew I had to go because life without Brian would be the bleakest life of all.

Too bad for me then, I had no idea the move would be one of the happiest things that ever happened to me. I listen to stories of people who have moved before me and how horror filled it can be and I think for sure even worse will happen to me. I can be so dramatic and pessimistic sometimes. Luckily half the time I throw a fit that even Hollywood would be proud of, Brian just laughs. Anyone else would run in the opposite direction, but sometimes I'll have a random dramatic moment and Brian will just start laughing from the pit of his belly. Or he'll do the opposite and pretend to take me seriously and hug me when I'm being ridiculous and takes the cue that I am SUPER serious this time. He knows which is which and is pretty good about that. He is what I need in so many ways. He reminds me not to take life so seriously. Maybe I do get kinda over the top sometimes, but luckily Brian never does. Dad always said I'm like a roller coaster and I need someone who will just stand there and laugh at it instead of taking the ride with me. That's exactly what I found. :)

The city is now moving from one big mesh of confusing streets to actually making sense. I'm finding that I love the flat land and how open it is…it makes me feel like I can breathe. It makes me feel like running into a field and opening my arms wide and turning in circles like an old House on the Prairie episode. It's an acquired taste, but once acquired you never want to leave. It's an incredible place for so many reasons, but the FOOD. AHHH…the food is SO good. (And I'm not just talking about my cooking….it really has gone up in quality since we last spoke)

The restaurants here are endless. Anything you could possibly want is in your reach and not only that…it's the best kind of food you've ever had. You think you've had great Mexican? Not until you've come here do you even have a shot at knowing what great Mexican is! You think you've had great pizza?!?! You are mistaken unless you've eaten at Hideaway pizza!! I DREAM of their ranch dressing at night. Sometimes Brian takes me on a rescue 911 pizza run…and I really feel like I can't live without it in that moment.

The people here are SUPER nice. It's a Christian/country culture that just makes you feel good inside. I live in a place that has a country feel, but I'm so close to a big city. It's the perfect combination.

I don't have a hoppin social life at all. In fact…I'm pretty much alone during the day other than being with the two kids I babysit here and there, but it doesn't bother me. I have my best friend at the end of the day and time to do things I didn't before which is nothing to complain about. When you've gone from a life of utter chaos and constant work, to a slow one like this…the refreshment can't be described in words. I know my life will not always be like this and when we work the hardest is when we are doing some of our most important things we will ever do. I welcome that. But sometimes..getting more free moments and having time to get closer to God before the next phase of hard work is just what we need. And right now…this is my time.

I've joined a BSF bible study here recently and it has been great. The moment I walked up for the first time, so many women ran up to me and hugged me and made me feel at home. The warmth and inner happiness they gave me is something I will never forget and honestly never had to need before. Going in as a stranger was NOT awkward at all…how can that even happen?! I thought I'd just sit alone during the talk, but women from my small group surrounded me and wouldn't have that. They made me feel so welcome and like they wanted me there more than anything. In that moment, the reminder of the ministry of friendliness and bringing in someone you may not know spoke louder to me than it ever had before. I needed that so bad, and those women were there to give me that. Never let anyone make fun of you for being "too friendly"…because those overly friendly women have given me so much comfort.

I've always had tons of people I know and my friendships have lasted years. I rarely met anyone in my old town that I didn't have a connection to in some way. I had a reputation because of my family or what people heard about me. It was easy to connect to people because it's almost like they already knew me before they really did. "OH!!! ABBY! Ya, I know YOU! I LOVE your family! Your grandpa delivered my baby! OH YA, I've known your mom for YEARS! My kid knows someone in your class and they said you are *Insert whatever comment here*"

It's kinda strange having to build from the ground up. Nobody has heard any rumor of me or know where I fit in because I have no connections. That has been an interesting thing. I always wonder what people's perception of me is because with that little of information, it can't be exactly right. It's only bits and pieces of a puzzle that can only be half correct.

I do miss being the Abby from back home sometimes because I don't feel like that anymore. I always defined myself by my work or school and it was neat having the bubbly teacher persona that people seemed to love. Now that is gone and I'm having to figure out who I am without a job defining me. Without people constantly giving me feedback which is something I got used to. Who am I when that fades away? Who am I without teaching? What do I love to do? What is important to me when I don't have something obvious to focus on? Who am I when I'm not forced to do something? What do I do when given total freedom? What do I choose to do? Who am I going to be? I know I'm not who I will be in five years…because I'm learning new things everyday. Things I never had the opportunity to learn before now.

It's a fun new thing trying to figure all this out. And it reminds me that change isn't always bad and that worrying is usually the worst of the battle. God is there with us wherever we go and gives us the mindset and power to do whatever it is we need to do at the time. And more often than not…things that we never thought would be good for us (like moving)…turn out to be what's best after all.

*When you know, you know*

Brian's parents are moving out of their house tonight which is so bittersweet. I know it's for the best and that God has a great plan…but it's always hard to say goodbye to a place that holds so many good memories.

I remember the night I knew I was going to marry Brian. Earlier that day he had dropped me off at the airport to go back home which was a dramatic event. It was dramatic because I looked back to wave goodbye and he wasn't there which made me upset. You always need that last goodbye wave to feel better about things, ya know? As I sat waiting at the airport gate, I just knew without a doubt that I could not live without that man. Even if he had waved goodbye, I know it would have been hard..but that lack of wave made me realize I wasn't meant to leave.

Luckily, the weather was really bad and I couldn't make it home that night and he had to come pick me back up from the airport. The moment I saw his truck pull up I got this wave of excitement and the realization that this was the man I was going to marry hit me like a ton of bricks! "You're my soulmate!!!" I said as he hugged me and smiled really big. I began to yell louder:"No really..I'm going to marry you!" He hugged me tighter and said, "I feel the same way!!" We made the best memories that night just watching the Thunder game at his parent's house and basking in the fact that we knew who we would spend forever with.

Usually this would freak a man out, but if you have found the right one for you it won't. Or maybe it's just that I needed a man who doesn't get freaked out easily. Girls who can keep their feelings and thoughts to themselves can marry more skiddish men…but not me. I always say how I feel when I feel it. There's nothing I don't say and I need a brave man for all that. My mouth guard is not the most reliable thing in the world.

Later that week I had a conversation with my mom about Brian and how I knew he was the one for me. "Well, y'all should get married soon, then!" she said. "But you have to date a YEAR first…it's the socially appropriate thing to do!!" I answered arguing back but wanting her to be right. My mom just looked at me and said I was crazy for caring about what's socially appropriate and that waiting another year would be insane if I already knew. "If you know you are going to marry him and you can be pure for a year, then he sure isn't the right man for you in the first place! Better to be married than to let the fire burn too hot!!! An earlier marriage brings purity! Longer dating leads to temptation!" she said back…I think maybe wanting grandkids sooner than later. She knew he was right for me, too. :)

So I went into my room and called Brian right away of course. I didn't even really second guess my decision to make a move that second. As he picked up, I started right in: "So…I want to marry you... SOON! You know…before the end of the year." I'll never forget Brian just answering really frankly and excitedly back: "OKAY!" no questions asked. He said that he just knew from early on that I was the right girl for him so it didn't matter when. I guess when you know, you know. :)

I wish we could have the house a little longer to bask in the memories of what it held…but life keeps moving on and there are many more memories to be made in a new place. 

*Day 1 of being domestic…FAIL!*

I have been a wife for a little over two weeks now and before I really had to do anything, I was really successful at it. Playing around is my specialty and when that's all I had to do I got an A+ in that department with bonus points probably. The problem is….I am realizing just how much of a rookie I am at anything domestic. I always had this hope I would just be a natural and rays of sunshine would flood into the kitchen window as I blissfully took a perfect turkey out of the oven. Unfortunately..that's not exactly how it works and I am now more thankful than ever that I have some time to figure all this out. Because…so far…after one day of trying…it's a FAIL.

I decided to cook yesterday. Of course we ate everything in sight on our honeymoon so now I'm on a health kick to lose the good five pounds I gained last week so I thought I'd try my hand at tilapia. He told me that he liked Lawry's powder and to make it look orange. SO, I DID….I crusted the fire out of those tilapias and by the time I was finished with them I could barely scarf a bite down. It was like biting into fishy salt and seaweed. I could not even eat one, but Brian ate TWO because he's getting an A in the husband department. I don't know how he did it. We went and got sonic afterwards.

When we got home Brian laughed because the drier rack was in backwards. "I am a homemaking disaster!!!!" I yelled dramatically falling into bed later that night. "You are a homemaking WARRIOR!"  he said very seriously back. Yes, a warrior is right because if you don't know anything about cooking or cleaning…it really is a battle. Just make sure the person you marry thinks you're cute and remind him about your amazing personality everyday if you don't know anything about being domestic. Cause well…that will sustain him until he REALLY needs you to be killin it on the home front. If you are already a susie homemaker…you are a step ahead. I seriously thought I'd be a crazy cat lady extremely manless my entire life so I didn't really take time to prepare….

On a more successful note, our time in California was a BLAST!!! I had Brian all to myself for seven days with no work for him which was incredible. I only didn't see him when I was sleeping so that pretty much sums up the best life ever! He got a patdown by a man which was pretty much the funniest moment in my life. Except for maybe when he got stuck by another man in a TINY airplane seat. That might have been a little funnier.

*And then we realized...we had no way out!*

I knew that it wouldn't be easy getting through my wedding day without any awkward moments. I kept looking around to see if everything was still going right and for the most part awkward moments were held at bay. As we drove away in the truck, I REALLY thought I was going to make it through the entire day without any mishaps...but I was wrong.

"AHHH!!! We're MARRIED!!!!" I screamed grabbing Brian's hand and waving at all the guests who were watching us drive away. We talked excitedly and held hands as we drove off into our happily ever after. About two minutes into our blissful drive, we realized that there was no way out the way we were driving. We looked on the map to figure out how to get out and realized with utter disbelief that we were going to have to drive BACK around our wedding party because we were in a no outlet!

It's like when you say goodbye to someone and they continue to walk beside you because your cars are actually parked beside each other. It's just not right. "I mean...should we like wait a minute or something?" Brian said to me as I began laughing thinking about how awkward driving back would be. I made us wait until they at least had time to make it back up the hill with their bubbles.

After a moment of waiting, we drove back around the corner to find ALL our guests still standing in the same spot like they were waiting for us to come back. I heard someone scream "They're back!" and I started laughing so hard I cried a little. I have never in my life seen the bride and groom come BACK after being sent off.

I guess I'd never seen a bride eat tons of bacon at her wedding either. Or talk during the ceremony to the audience. Or dance her bustle off. I also got shhhhed by the Big Cedar people before I walked out because I was screaming "I'm getting married!!!!!" and I saw Brian walk by to take his mom out and had to scream "HEY BOO!!!!!" and they were not happy about that.

I always wondered what I would feel like right before I got married and I'm here to tell you it's nothing like you think. It's just all so surreal that you end up dancing down the isle when you didn't even really plan to. It just happens. Your body takes over and nerves set in...you know how that goes. Unfortunately nerves for me means I'll probably do something crazy like scream "WOO WOO WOO" and shake my flowers at the groom when I get down the isle. I saw the video and seriously didn't remember doing that. Very unplanned.

All in all it was a very Abby wedding and absolutely perfect for me. A small and cozy wedding with lots of amazing food that I seriously wish I ate more of. I didn't really know what the food would be like and blindly planned my wedding in a lot of ways, so I was happy with it!!! With Big Cedar you literally like point to what you want and then forget what you pointed to. It was awesome.

Right now I'm waiting for my HUSBAND to get back from work. :) We are here for a week until we go on our honeymoon to California next week!!! Our wedding was like a vacation and moving towns is a pretty huge deal so I'm glad for the break. I'm very thankful for the quiet and the stillness I have right now. After the music fades and the fake nails chip off....the quiet creeps in and settles itself around me. All I hear right now is the gentle whir of a ceiling fan and I can't explain how good that feels. :)

Anyway this blog might have been choppy because I still feel like my head is all over the place. There are so many thoughts and emotions in my brain right now that I can't seem to do anything strait. It's a good kind of losing your mind, though! That's for sure!!! This is the happiest I've ever been. Ever.

*Falling Into Place*

After many debacles…everything is finally falling into place. I know they were definitely debacles because I learned a lot about that word from my math teacher in highschool. He tutored me and my twin for the better part of his work day and he'd explain what to do, show us on the board, and then ask us to do it by ourselves. After giving us about five minutes, he would come back and go: "WHAT?! This is a DEBACLE!!! Where did you get THAT number?!" He said debacle so much that I actually picked it up and use it in my everyday conversations.

The debacle lately was the fact that my wedding dress was altered too tight as some of you well know. I mean…that may sound so miniscule but if the wedding dress you just spent equal to half your life savings on cuts off your circulation and gives unwanted muffin tops, that is pretty much a worse case scenario for a woman. Luckily, that nightmare is no longer a reality and my mom has really saved the day!!! After many stressful days and a lot of bridezilla moments, my mom came through and fixed my dress!! It was truly a wedding miracle and it came just in the nick of time.

Now I feel like those stressful things are behind me, and everything is starting to fall into place the way I really wanted them to. Yesterday was my bridal portraits and it ended up being so much fun! The weather was amazing, the sun was amazing, and my helpers were amazing. My dad, mom, and Kate were there carrying my dress around and trying to figure out how to fit me into the car. Moving around outside with a wedding dress on is seriously like a major puzzle you have to figure out. There's a lot of: "Don't move!!" and "Wait, I don't have that part!" and "Walk slower!!". They were really great and I was SO happy to have them. I managed to get away without a tire mark on my dress unlike Molly years back. It was as perfect as this life can get, but obviously there were funny things along the way that were unplanned.

The thing I love most about pictures is that they make life seem so much more dreamlike than it really is. They make us feel like there is such thing as Heaven on earth and if the day was actually like the pictures indicated, that would be true. I mean my engagement pictures were taken in 112 degree weather and I had a major outburst of emotion while getting ready because I felt like my hair was doing something crazy and I was second guessing all my outfits! It wasn't a dreamlike day, but the pictures made it seem SO perfect. We looked like we were living in a cloud of happiness for a day. I love that about pictures. We can make our brains only remember the good and the smiles if the aftermath of the pictures is all we focus on.

My bridals are going to look like the day was absolutely perfect and even though it was SO much fun, I was laughing at all the imperfections. Like the fact that there were crickets jumping up my legs and finding shelter in my dress. I was avoiding some animal poop half the time and there was this enormous dog on the loose! There have been three attempts by big dogs to try and eat me lately, and I am frankly tired of it. My fear of large dogs is increasing as the days progress and it's definitely not my fault. It's called a leash, people…or a FENCE.

At the bridals, there was also a man getting his son in major trouble in the background and we heard screams and yelps from a redneck establishment on yonder mountain. Then I thought I saw a man shirtless coming towards us, but it was really a skin colored shirt on a woman riding a horse. I was like "A shirtless man! No, wait…a woman on a horse!" and the photographer just goes: "Wow, that is so random." haha Yes, yes it was….

Then there was a creepy man in a creepy car that kept creepin around! I can't use the word creepy enough as you can tell. I've never seen my dad want to shove me in a car so bad, haha. I was like talking and laughing and dad was like: "ABBY! Get in the car..this man is near, I can hear him!" I don't know what I'll do when I don't have an overly worried dad around. If he knows I've walked outside alone even a street over he freaks out. He's such a good dad! He spent his 50th birthday holding my bouquet while he paid for me to have pictures taken. He is truly a selfless and good man!! :)

I am so thankful to have bridal portraits over with and it really relieves a lot of stress and helps me to look forward to the actual day. Knowing I have a dress that will actually fit me and not make me pass out is such a good feeling. I ate a hamburger last night without panic about my dress and it was truly one of the best feelings I've felt in a long time.

I may have gone through a few bridal meltdowns to get where I am today…but it's finally looking like it's all coming together. And I can happily eat again which is great because hardcore worrying about my food does the opposite effect. It just makes me bloat with unhappiness. So I am thankful to be back to my old self again. :)

*Little Reminders*

Life has a funny way of reminding us that this place isn't Heaven. Even when our lives are at their peak of happiness, when we get a little taste of what Heaven might be like…those pesky little things come and poke us unexpectedly to make sure we remember this is still a fallen world.

For instance…if you haven't planned a wedding in your life, you may be under the false impression that it is fun or easy. I chose a venue where I don't have to plan very much, but I'm telling you…even that can't stop things from messing up. I found my perfect dress about a month ago. You know, the one I've dreamt of all my life…... ya, that one. Well when I picked it up from the alterations place last week, it was TOO SMALL!!! I can't breathe at all and that awkward muffin top of the back has made an appearance! Now I'm stuck on this horrifying diet where I can either eat non buttered vegetables all day or a handful of real people food. Talk about not being ideal!!!! I saw this bumper sticker on facebook that said: "Men think a woman's greatest dream is to find the perfect man….but it's actually eating anything they want and never getting fat." SO true. So very, very true.

I also got wind today that my photographer accidentally double booked, but I am so proud of myself because I have yet to freak out. I think I used all my freak out and bridezilla moments when my dress didn't fit. It not only didn't fit, though…it wasn't even close to fitting before my mom did her rescue 911!!! So give me some grace. My mom luckily did some damage control so that it at least can make it's way on me, but it's certainly not where it needs to be at this point in my opinion. But I refuse to keep waking up with night sweats over it anymore. I'm just tired of freaking out to be honest…it's so tiring.

Maybe I'm just supposed to be learning a lesson about vanity. Maybe I need to do what we were taught as a little kid, and focus on my heart beauty instead. Maybe I'm supposed to realize that my wedding day is not about not having a back muffin top, but about marrying the man God has made for me to live this life with. At the end of the day, I am marrying the right man so I just need to focus on that! The flowers, the food, the portraits, the dress…it's all so minimal compared to what this day means.

I may pass out at the alter thanks to my dress being taken in to fit one of those people that run every morning at five am….but I'll still be marrying Brian! And that's what matters the most.

*My Engaged Life*

I've wondered my whole life what it would be like to be engaged. I started in fifth grade writing in a journal about my future husband and thinking about him like many girls do. The boys may have been busy playing basketball or playing video games without the slightest thought of us on their brain all these years, but girls….we've thought about getting married from the very moment we heard what marriage was or saw a grown up lady in a big, white dress. The closest relationship of all between two humans and a big princess dress- what could be more appealing to a woman?

Being engaged feels different than I thought it would in so many ways. First of all, it's like an out of body experience. You don't actually feel engaged and it almost feels strange when someone asks you about your wedding. Me? Engaged? What are you talking about?! What is this ring on my finger doing here?! It's like I get to be reminded all the time because it never quite sinks in. I feel the same way I did before so it's hard to imagine me being the one wearing that white dress. And even better and more exciting than the white dress is being the girl lucky enough to be picked by Brian!!! That is the best part of all. That part is so much more important than any wedding hoorah. 

I haven't had a miraculous change and I'm not constantly jumping on my bed singing Taylor Swift love songs like I would have if I got engaged as a teenager. When I was younger, all of my "love life" was basically fabricated up in my head. I would think about someone more than actually living life and sharing deep things with them. But with Brian, I am so close to him and he knows everything about me and I can talk about whatever, whenever. It's much deeper and much more secure than anything I've ever felt. I don't have to worry about what to do or say, because he always accepts me. Not to mention, it's just a lot more FUN. He is so funny and always ready to have a good time. And if I have a stomach ache he rushes over to the nearest public restroom to drop me off. That's the true love story…that's what REALLY happens in this world we live in. Never dreamt of that as a kid, did ya? Never saw that on your favorite romantic comedy, huh? Well, that's life, sister! So find someone who isn't awkward or you are going to live a long and perilous life!!!

Being engaged to Brian is the most secure feeling I've ever had. I also laugh more than I used to and I'm not just waiting for him to call and making my mind wander…he's ALWAYS there and everything I think in my head is what's actually happening. This love is more real and stable than the jumping on the bed kind or running at each other in a flower field. It's something I know can stand the test of real life. It's the kind that understands that love isn't about just the butterflies and giddy moments (though they are fun, can't lie!) but it's about knowing that life is still life even after you're married…and times won't always be easy in this fallen world…but you both are committed to figure out life together and stick with each other with the help of God no matter what comes even when the butterflies stop. (I read one time that when you are in love a chemical in your brain goes off for like a year and a half that makes you goo goo, then it's gone…hence, the butterflies stop and what is left is only what was actually solid and lasting.) The solid and lasting can only come from Jesus and His help. I am so thankful that I have found someone that God has planned for me and it's such a good feeling knowing that He is behind me on this decision. It's the best knowing with 100 percent confidence that what I am doing is right in the sight of the Lord, because I know no matter where I move or what I do…God will work it out for me one way or another.

On a completely different note, here's how the wedding/new life planning is going:

-The wedding is already planned considering I got a package deal at Big Cedar!!! WOO!!!! NO stress!

-Bridesmaid dresses came in yesterday!

-Brian's tux is ordered and he looked AMAZING in the fitting mirror!!! I got emotional when I saw his shiny shoes…he's marrying me in those shiny shoes! *TEARS* AHHHHHHH

-My dress is my favorite dress EVER and I'll pick it up on the 17th! I literally haven't found a dress in this world I like more which is the way it should be!! WOO WOO! 

-We got our honeymoon booked this week! An island off the coast of San Diego to avoid Hurricanes for this storm fearing woman!! YAY! It will be AWESOME!!!

-We bought furniture this week….it's the BEST furniture I've ever had!!!!!! SO PUMPED!!!! My man is the BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

-I painted for the first time with Brian and his dad the other day! They've painted all the trim in our house and put in new doors. It looks ready for newlyweds!!!  YAY!!! 

-I am failing miserably at a wedding diet! Diets make me hungry even thinking about them so I end up going overboard the wrong direction when I try to diet!!! :0 Ultimate fail doesn't even begin to describe it!

-Insurance is kinda awkward when you quit your job and don't get married till October! Just sayin!!! Luckily, I'm marrying an insurance genius who can figure things out. He's the best insurance agent in the world and if you are ever in need of the most incredible coverage you've always dreamed of…you are looking in the wrong place until you are under the safety wings of Brian! haha