*Back with a Vengeance*

The weather is warming up,the flowers are in bloom, and spring has finally made it's way to us which means……..my personal war with the spiders is raging again!!! For years this battle has been going on and the descendants of the ones I have killed in the past are dropping from the roof I'm sure as we speak. That is the main reason I am up at 3:24am wide awake with plenty of energy to write this.

Now, I'll have you know that it's not the spiders that I'm afraid of, because I see them all the time at the lake and I'm okay with it. But I have a really good relationship with the dock creatures and we leave each other alone. I am not afraid of these types of spiders at all because they are where they belong. The spiders I'm afraid of are the ones that are completely out of place! The family of spiders that lives in my house where they should not be and are not welcome. I'm not afraid of things in general…I'm more afraid of those things when they aren't where they belong.

For instance…I'm not afraid of criminals when I'm walking through the local jail, but I would be afraid to see them out of place in my kitchen. (Not that I do that often, but I'm just trying to make a point here.) I'm not afraid of a snake at the local mountain trail as much as I'd be afraid of seeing it on the floor in my room. I'm not afraid of a steak knife, but if there was one out of place in my house, it might scare me. Like if someone put it in my shower…it just doesn't belong there so a red flag in my mind would go off. So be assured…it's not that I'm a baby…it's just that I'm scared when things are out of place and unexpected. Like the large, juicy spider that stared hatefully at me tonight on my bathroom floor. I think it might have had a little hair on it, too.

I tried to smash it, but my hand/eye coordination is so bad that I kept missing and as I've said before, God gave those things lightening fast speed! I finally got it after a scarring experience and put it in the trashcan, only to scare myself by seeing it again later. Now I feel like there are spiders in my hair and on my feet in the covers. And I know that spider has best friends and family that heard it's cries and are headed my way now. You just never know what they will try to do. And I really think they are back with a vengeance this year. They have no sympathies for people like me…they are here to get even. And that freaks me out…and it's taking my sleep.

*It's Always Been There*

I think I've always had a future teacher inside of me ever since I was a little girl.

I've always been drawn to kids. They've always been drawn to me. Almost like they can sense that I'm supposed to take care of them. Even in public there might be a child I don't know, but I see them peeking behind their mom, watching me…I wave and smile and they get shy and hide. Then they peek out again…wondering what the crazy kid lady will do next, haha. I try to show every kid I come into contact with that I WANT them around…because I do. SO much. Children are such a bright spot in my life.

I feel a connection to little people. I feel like my life is incomplete when I don't have them around. I see them as such treasures in this world and I count it as an honor to be around them. I think my love and respect for children is something that was put deep inside of me long ago. When I say the word respect, that is such an important part….I always stress to adults that kids have such insightful things to say that can change our lives and we don't need to treat them like they will only start changing peoples lives LATER. They change my life and minister to me everyday. They have ideas that I wouldn't think of and I need them for. They are intelligent and have been blessed with minds that we need to listen to!

My best friend and her husband are moving to a house on the street I grew up in. When I drove by the other day, the first flashback that came to my mind was when I was 8 years old and had an idea for a daycare program in the open field down the road. I planned out flyers and wanted people to send their kids to me, haha. Nobody came because I wasn't exactly legitimate like I am now, but the want was there. The teacher was there inside me…wanting to break out. I planned out lots of activities and a schedule and had a roster to check people in. I just thought like that all along.

I made pretend class lists in my spare time and would to take roll and count some of the people tardy. All of my imaginary friends I had growing up were my students on the lists. Ashley was my favorite, but I don't have favorites now. Sometimes I'd get my dolls and set them up in a classroom and teach them how to spell "ocean" with a song my mom taught me. Something about the projector and whiteboard at school screamed my name….like I always knew the smell of expo markers would be my future.

It is neat to see how the Lord wired me to do what He has called me to do from a very young age. There were parts of me that I had no control over that were just drawn towards being an elementary school teacher….but there are also parts to my passion that came later in life.

I remember the first time I said to myself: "I'm going to be a teacher!"….I believe I was in second grade because that was the first time I saw a real school setting. I noticed the teacher got a lot of gifts and gifts is my love language like nobody's business!! I noticed she got to talk a lot and I loved to talk and HATED being silenced. I wish I could say the first time I knew I wanted to be a teacher was deeper than this, but it was actually because I saw how full of presents and treats my teacher's desk was at Christmas. Not the most noble thing, but that is true about being a teacher! ha Little Abby has definitely gotten that future wish.

But when I grew older, it started to become something deeper, something more. I always struggled in school and had a really hard time with it. I often felt embarrassed and dumb and I really didn't like being there at all. I remember very vivid memories of certain adults being getting frustrated with me when I was trying to learn something and never could get it. I felt like some of the smart and organized kids who didn't just wad up their paper and throw it in their backpack were the favorites. I know that's probably not true, but it sure felt like that as a young kid. I always thought that my teacher's love and favor was related to my grades and how well I did in school….and I never quite made the bar…and I never could quit talking, really. Or stop staring glassy eyed out the window…or poking the person in front of me….or putting my hand in the fish tank when nobody was looking to try and pet the fish. I never quite figured out that whole put your name on the paper thing, either. I also remember not being able to read well in 2nd grade and struggling with writing my F's…I wrote them backwards EVERY TIME. I can see myself at the desk confused about that F right now. I remember all the kids being on a better reading color than me. I was ALWAYS stuck on brown and when working independently, I never got anything done because I couldn't even read the directions.

School never felt like a place I belonged. The weirdest part was that I still felt like I was drawn to be a teacher…like I was meant to live years in my life in a school setting no matter how much I didn't fit there. But one day it kinda hit me…"If I become a teacher, I can make school a place where kids like me feel safe. Where kids who don't do well all the time want to go. I can have a say in this!"

And that's where the true passion inside of me started. I wanted to make things different for a student like me. I wanted someone who would rather blow bubbles than do math to find a reason to love learning. I wanted to find a way to make it appealing to kids who didn't understand the purpose of school. I wanted to give them a reason and a way to succeed without feeling like they will never be enough.

Even more recently, my passion has grown in the area of training children to follow the Lord and have a heart for God. I didn't know all along that I would be at a Christian school, so that part of the dream has really only begun this year, but it is a passion like I've never felt before. Teaching bible and talking about Jesus everyday has been hands down the best part of my job. Children are so teachable and some of the most spiritual people I've ever met! They trust God and are hungry to hear about Him. They haven't let life make them forget how good God is. I get to show them more and more of who God is everyday and that is so much fun. Children can be some of the best evangelists in the world….God doesn't have a certain age where we can finally make a difference for him…my first graders are making a difference for Him NOW.

I love seeing His plan unfold in their lives and I love that He teaches me more about Himself through those babies and the love He's given me for them. I know God's love for me is unconditional, just like my love for my students is unconditional. I love the kids who do the right thing and I love the kids who might be seen running down the hall with a lunchbox on their head if I'm not watching close enough! I know children are children and therefore their behavior doesn't shock me. I love them no matter what….just like Jesus knows we are human and doesn't expect any different.

I have made it to one of dreams that has been calling to me since I was a little girl…and it has been good. I told my kids the other day on the carpet: "If I had to go through those five extremely hard and stressful years of college all over again to be your teacher for one year…I'd do it." And I mean that. :) There are days when all the hard work feels so worth it…and it truly is.

*Changing Perspectives*

I've been home alone sick now since Tuesday night with all the time to think in the world. What does one do with all that time? Contemplate the meaning of life and think about the entire story of human existence from creation through eternity. What else would there be to do?

I've had a complete perspective change. Whenever I get sick, it's usually because the Lord wants to grab me from my busy schedule and teach me something or have me slow down long enough to just notice Him. Being alone with only Him for a couple of days has been wonderful, because He's all I've been aware of. It's almost like I've taken a vacation from the world and just spent a few days with God. Days without the world humming in my ear are the times I feel closest to the Lord and I'm able to see things I'm not able to see on a regular basis. It's been nice…sometimes it's hard to think about going back into the world because that means the world will be what I think about most. My schedule, my duties, my social life…but for these days…I've thought about God. And they have been beautiful, fever-filled days.

I'm trying to find words to describe what I have learned these past three days, but it's such a big concept that it's hard trying to come up with the words to describe it. It's almost like there's no way I can do it justice. It has to do with the fact that I've been acting like a spoiled child in my spiritual life for a long time now. It has to do with us blaming God or being mad at God when bad things happen. It has to do with God's unending mercy and His love for us that reaches far beyond what we can ever understand.

We deserve to die. All of us have committed the same sin Adam and Eve did when they believed the lie that God doesn't want them to be happy. They believed that they could figure out what was best for themselves without God which is what all of us have done at one time or another. We are all poisoned by sin and even though we believe false things about God on a daily basis and often leave Him out…He waits for us. He wants to help us and be there for us regardless of our actions. Even after Adam and Eve sinned…God made them clothes before He kicked them out. He loved them so much that He took the time to make clothes for the ones who just broke His heart. He HAD to send them away….but He loved them so much He made them clothes. And when I say His heart was broken, I mean more broken than we have ever felt. Imagine the worst rejection or betrayal you've been through in your life that wasn't your fault. Can you imagine making that person clothes and wanting to give your only son to die for them? I can't. Humans are incapable of love that unconditional. In His hurt, He MADE them clothes.That to me says a lot about our God right there. If we ever feel like God is out to get us, we don't know the first thing about His nature.

I think what I've learned in these past few days is that I am so blessed with what God has given me. Instead of being so shocked when something bad happens, what we really should do is be in awe that we aren't all consumed. We deserve none of the blessings that God gives us, yet He chooses to put good in this life although it's very broken here. Those birthday cakes we love so much…the walks in the park on a beautiful day….He gives us those just because He loves us. We are stuck here on this earth because we put ourselves here…but just like Adam and Eve, He is making us clothes we don't deserve. Yes, they still had to go through VERY hard times, but the Lord didn't let them leave without clothes hand made just for them. And He sure didn't let them leave without a rescue plan to get them back.

The Lord loves us so much that He isn't making us go through what we deserve. Even with everything terrible in this world…the Lord in His love and grace has brought rays of hope. He loves to see us happy and He loves to hear us laugh. But bad things WILL happen…it's a fallen world and we are not home. God doesn't send bad things on us…we let them here. Humanity decided that they knew better and started to believe that God didn't want what's best for them and that's where we went wrong. That's where we still go wrong. When we doubt God's love in anyway, we are doing exactly what put this world upside down to begin with.

Instead of being upset with God when things don't go our way or getting upset about trivial matters….we should be thankful that the Lord has mercy on us and loves us enough to give us the blessings we do have. He gives us a set of clothes when we deserve nothing. I am so blessed and in awe of what the Lord has done for me. I can't believe all the times I act like God owes me something or I get upset when something doesn't go my way. I feel like a fool….I needed a perspective change.

*A Restless Puzzle*

When I think about the past month or so, adequate words really don't come to mind to describe it. It's been good in a lot of ways, it's been weird, it's been stressful, and it's been difficult. But as I write these words, I can't help but feel like I'm on the verge of something incredible. Like I'm about to get something that I haven't ever gotten before. Like all the stress and confusion will be worth it. I feel like it always is.

I had the closest encounter to God the other day that I've ever had in my life, but it wouldn't of come about if I hadn't had some difficult times recently. I think my entire life I have been trying to fill the void inside of me with things of this world. I know we all do it, I know we're all guilty, but for some reason the more I realized life doesn't satisfy, the more I would try harder to find things that would. If I could get this, I would be happIER and that would be better. I would follow God in hopes that He would give me what I wanted like it seemed was happening around me to everyone else. I know that is false thinking, but it sure felt like it. When your time is spent planning shower after shower for your twin and best friends….it definitely feels like it. I made that deal with God that if He let me get married before my sister had a baby, then all would be forgiven about the making me wait thing. I wasn't saying it was okay with me, I was just saying I'd find a way to get over it. She soon got pregnant…I soon got hurt by a boy AGAIN. and AGAIN. and you know…AGAIN.

I look at the world and take it in a lot. Something that I've begun to realize is that the people around me who get what I think are the keys to happiness…still have as many struggles as I do. It's not like you walk down the isle and everything is great. It's like you walk down the isle and still are a sinful and broken person…only you have someone that knows that about you now. It's kind of easy to cover up my sin nature when I'm single….no wonder people think I'm great!

Because I've noticed a lot about the world and God has done a lot in my heart…I've started thinking in a new way. I think my whole desire to be married to someone and a mom is fading in comparison to my desire to live and be with Christ that is becoming larger everyday. Sure, that is still HUGE and I want that really bad in my life. In fact…I wrote about it today while modeling "God's Plan For My Life" which is my most recent writing for the wall in my first grade class. I desire to take care of babies and my husband and I think that's a good thing. I'm not saying it's over…I'm just saying that I realize that none of that will every make me truly satisfied like I thought. I realize that my desire inside is not actually for THAT. None of it will fill me like I've always believed. I thought those things would make me happy and I am sad to report that sometimes I would purposefully try to be close to God so that He would grant me what I thought would make me whole….but I'm realizing that He is the only source that I am truly seeking in the deepest parts of my heart. I am changing my view of EVERYTHING.

For the first time in my life a few days ago it dawned on me that this longing so deep is for the life I was created for…the life I don't have yet. We were asked in church what our deepest longings are, and most people just said a husband or kids or whatever we dream for in this life. But my deepest desire will only be met when I'm standing beside my Savior in Heaven. My closest encounter to God came in a moment a few days ago when I just looked up and said as if a light had just gone off in my head: "My deepest desire is YOU. I just want to be with YOU."

I felt the spirit of God so heavy on me like I never have before. I tell my bible study girls that I'm charismatic not because I want to be, but because I can't deny it. I know odd things to say are so not vogue because we like to put God in a box and control what He can do, but they are true so I'm not going to cover it up. He held me there in that moment…just like He will hold me for all of eternity. I seriously felt His arms around me and if the arms of God could speak I know they would say: "YES! That's IT!!!"….He has been trying to tell me that for SO LONG and I just couldn't hear it. The secret can't be found in this life no matter how hard I try to find it. Our desires will never be met…we will be restless until we are made new.

I just want to stop making bad decisions because of my restlessness. My passionate desire for God has caused me to do things that I regret at times because I just know things should be different and I try to make it right on my own. I know that I should feel put together and not like a ton of puzzle pieces scattered around the floor. But that's what I am right now…I am just a broken puzzle that cannot be fully put together until the other side of this world. Hopefully being aware of that can help me make better decisions on what I do and pursue to try and fill the void. Maybe I won't be so quick to assume what will make me happy and I can focus on seeing what God thinks is right for me right now. Maybe I won't use others to give me my significance. Maybe I won't just follow God because I think He will give me what I want. Maybe I can really have a true relationship with Him that is based on truth…the truth that He is the only thing that can set me free. He is the only one that can give me what I need and His well will never run dry. He is the only One who can make me whole. He is the only One who can give me significance. He is what I long for…He is my deepest desire.

And He is yours, too. I bet some decisions you made today were based on that desperate longing inside for the perfect life with God you were created to live….whether you know it or not.

*Some Vitamins and Some Thoughts *

Today I got some vitamin gummies at the store because they were calling my name. The only problem is I could eat the entire bottle in one sitting because they are SO good. I remember as a kid I would try to get a hold of the Flintstone vitamins and hide under my bed and eat them. I remember a distinct time when Molly yelled: "MOM! Abby is eating the bottle of vitamins again!" I quickly ran to hide from what awaited me in my closet. I know all these people tell me what a great kid I was, but I remember doing things like that. They literally had to hide the vitamins from me. I've always been a muncher.

Earlier I got the chance to go back to my alma mater and speak to some freshman education majors on what I've learned during my first year of teaching. It was so strange going on campus on a regular school day and not being a part. It's kinda neat how whenever I drive through a place I used to know, it's almost like a movie of memories plays before me. I can see myself in my head living those old memories…like I'm watching a movie of my former self. It's amazing what all is stored up in my head that I access at random times.

As I was driving by those familiar red buildings, I saw myself the day that my backpack broke because it was too heavy. I saw myself dressed up and carrying a bag of glue sticks and a project. I saw myself panicking over what presentation I had to do next or which school I needed to be at. I saw my old roommate…the saving grace at the end of the day. Katie used to feed me and let me lay in her bed and watch her movies after a long day. She would even give me apple juices on particularly bad days. She was brought into my life at the exact right time and unfortunately taken out of my everyday life before I was ready.

My day as a college professor was really neat and it reminded me of how far I've come. We should celebrate everything we've accomplished more and stop trying to always get ahead and be happy with where we are. Teaching for adults also made me glad that first graders give a LOT more feedback than adults. Blank stares are not really my thing and my six year olds are always wanting to add to the conversation. Maybe a little too much so, but I'll take it. I love my babies. I need to remember how lucky I am everyday.

*Miracle Cheer Shoes!!!*

"You have GOT to be kidding me! That didn't REALLY happen!" I answered as I was handed the shoes for the very first time. Something about them connected with my inner soul right away when I touched them. "We were laughing so hard when it happened!" they said finishing the story. But I wasn't laughing….I was in shock.

I have always struggled with trusting God. I KNOW the truths and I do believe them, but when it comes to truly trusting God to come through for me, I sometimes find myself faltering. God taking care of me sometimes doesn't look the way that I want it to and my human frailty causes my faith to lose it's luster. Uncertainty in my heart can creep in more easily than I'd like to admit.

"God, I know you are faithful. I know you promise to take care of me, but it would be nice if I had something tangible to help me remember that. Sometimes I chase after things in this life because I can FEEL them…I can SEE them. I know that's wrong and they become idols, but sometimes I find it easier. It always ends up leaving me empty, but I do it anyway which I hate. I guess I just want something tangible from you…something I can feel and touch to know that you are going to keep your promises to me. I want to have something to remember you are going to take care of me when things get uncertain. I'm a broken human and I don't deal well with uncertainty at all. I know that's wrong and I really don't need something my hands can touch, but I would like that, ya know?"

…..I guess He did know.

Last Thursday my cheerleaders were heading to an away game when one girl realized she forgot her cheer shoes. Obviously, without the cheer shoes it's hard to cheer and it was going to mess up the entire night. They were hoping that there would be extra somewhere, but nobody could come up with any ideas. They just kept driving to the game with no promise of a pair of cheer shoes.

As they were driving down the road a little later, they suddenly spotted something white on the side of the road. When they got closer, they realized that it was a pair of bright, white tennis shoes. The girls told the driver to stop so they could get out and look, but the mom obviously told the girls not to jump out into the street. Well, she ended up getting them herself and GUESS WHAT…..there on the side of the road was a brand new pair of white cheer shoes!!!! NEW TAG AND ALL…..A PERFECT fit to the girl who needed them. The squad took a picture with the miracle shoes and they were GLOWING in the picture. That part is kind of funny, but very fitting. They don't glow in the picture I took of them, but I know they are a miracle.

I wasn't there for the Thursday game, but was there at the Monday game to hear the story. The entire thing threw me for a loop and I was in awe of how the Lord provided for my cheerleaders that night. "Man, I would LOVE to have these miracles shoes!" I said looking at them mesmerized. "Well, take them!" the other coach said to me a few seconds later. Me? Take them? I was surprised that I could keep them because they WERE miracle shoes and all. Why would I be the one to get them? I wasn't even there. It all seemed so….odd.

I took the shoes to my car and as I was driving home I touched them with my right hand at a stoplight to see if they were real. I kid you not, while I was touching them, I heard that small voice of God I've heard since childhood say to me very clearly: "See? I will take care of you just like I took care of her with these shoes. Wear them on the days when you need reminding."

I got home and put on the shoes….they were a perfect fit. Can you BELIEVE that?!?!? I know…it seems like it's impossible. I might even sound a little crazy to some people, but it really did happen!!!

Even now I can hardly believe that all of this is true and I feel so loved by God that I can't really express how it makes me feel in words. I have the shoes out right now so I can see them every time I wake up and I get such comfort from it. Sometimes when I think about God…..I feel so small. But other times like this, I feel so important. Like I matter so much to God and that He truly cares about how I feel and what will help me. Maybe the girl forgot her shoes just for me. I have no idea how the shoes got onto the side of the road in perfect condition, but there they were- waiting for her…waiting for me. The miracle shoes might have helped them that night, but they will continue to help me for a lifetime.

Will I get married in those miracle cheer shoes? Absolutely. Will I be buried in them? I hope so…and don't y'all forget that. Just like He provided shoes for my cheerleaders, He will provide for me when I need it. Everything will make sense….and the shoes will remind everyone of how faithful God is whether we feel it that day or not.

Praise the King of Kings who is higher than anything else in existence, yet bends down to help his precious, broken humans that He holds so dear. Nothing is too small for Him to get involved in….not even a matter of the feet.

*A Valuable Quality*

The great thing about being a teacher is you can teach the future generations the things that you personally think are important. I didn't realize it until this year, but one quality that I think is so valuable to have is to be easy to apologize to.

I am in the middle of 6 and 7 yr. old disagreements a lot and I have noticed something VERY clear about human nature. When we are hurt, we are usually very hard to apologize to. You know…someone realizes they are wrong and goes to make things right only to have that person cover their ears or mope around. I hate it when I go to say I'm sorry to someone and they are like: "Well, you should be!"…and really half the time I think they are wrong too and I'm just trying to throw the peace sign up and move on with life. What's the point of staying in a fight, anyway? I was just trying to make amends and so and so is just making me mad ALL. OVER. AGAIN. There's nothing worse. Both people are at least a little wrong in most fights anyway! Doesn't the terrible forgiver know that?

"You need to work on being easier to apologize to." I find myself saying all the time at school. I have already seen how friendships get stronger and how people are able to mend if they are willing to do this very hard thing. The easier you are on people who come to apologize, the better things will be. And probably the more apologizes you will get! If nobody ever says they are sorry to you, maybe look at how you react when people come to you for forgiveness. Are you Patty Pouty Pants? A Run Away Reita? A Pay For It Patrick? How about a Greggie Grudge A lot? Don't let that be you.

The fact of the matter is…the bible calls us to forgive and forget. I know some things are so serious that you need to figure out if you need to separate yourself from that situation for intense purposes, but if it's not life altering…we need to forgive and put it behind us like it never happened. I personally like to think the best about people and I don't just assume the worst when we fight and it would be nice if people would do the same for me. We need to move on and not make a fuss about it until we believe that person has paid their dues in full. It's not easy…but it's right.

I try to be very, VERY easy to apologize to because I personally love apologies, haha. They make me feel so much better and if a person actually humbles themselves and does that, it's worth being nice to them for it. Most people wouldn't even say they were sorry, so the fact that someone does shows something good about them.

So…. are we being easy to apologize to or are we covering our ears? Do we not let that person play with us once they've hurt our feelings or are we willing to move on? Do we run from anyone who has hurt us and aren't willing to listen to what they have to say? Do we change our opinions about people if we have a fight? Why would we do this if we know that we ourselves have a sin nature, too? What's so shocking about someone else having one? A fight does not change the good sides of a person. They can still make great monkey bar partners…if only we will let them.