*Oh, this fallen world...*

This world is full of wonderful blessings as you can see from the post below...but it's also extremely twisted and broken, because of the fall. I have learned to enjoy my blessings as they come, but to keep my grip very loose on them. When our grip becomes too tight around our blessings, that's when we have a problem. And most blessings don't stay forever, but the Lord brings the right ones at the right time! And sometimes we get so angry at God for taking away blessings that He gave! What is that?! They are His to give and take away. And we DID make this a fallen world, not Him. The anger comes from a mind that has the wrong idea about who God is. He knows SOO much better than we do! I can trust Him, so I don't have to have my grip too firm on my blessings. I can trust that the right things will come into my life at the right time. And sometimes they will be taken away at just the right time, for reasons I don't understand. But what I DO understand, is that the Lord is much higher than I, who am I to judge what He sees as best?He will give me all I need from day to day, if I keep the Kingdom of Heaven my primary concern. And last night, I got my brain knocked into making the Kingdom my primary concern. A lot of the time since I have gotten here, I have focused on all the fun I have been having, and the new wonderful people around me! And that is all fine and good...as long as I keep my head in the game concerning eternity. I can't be too busy, or be having too much fun that I forget what is truly important! And I can't let the wonderful times make me forget that this is a fallen world. My struggles will never be over until the day I die. But, I am very glad that the Lord is gracious and allows me to have such fun things in life to make the ride worthwhile. He is SO good to all of us!!!!

The reason I started thinking about all this, is for two reasons. First of all, I had a night FULL of terrible nightmares!!! I also had a bad dream yesterday during my nap as well. Could this mean that I haven't been fighting the spiritual battle like I need to? I mean, these dreams have been SCARY!!!! Like...stuck in the ocean with sharks all around me, and a ship about to run me over! And to make it even worse, it was at night! And then there was a tornado when I got home, and my house flooded, and all my clothes were lost!!!! It was BAD! I woke up scared as it was, and then I read the email about a freshman here at school dying in a car accident last night. I mean that is always a sobering experience. I am really, really sad for that family, and those girls on her hall. The grief that will be brought about from it is overwhelming. My heart physically hurts for all that will be affected. I hate this fallen world. I can't wait until Heaven. So many tears and grief are a part of being human. When I see such terrible things happen, I need to rely on my trust in the Lord even more. God is NOT bad. He is everything good. That is something I have learned this summer, that will shape the way I live for the rest of my life.

*Baby, It's Morning Time!!!*

I am so happy to be able to blog this post! I have been waiting SO long to be able to write something like this!!!! I mean...I feel like my life consisted of tears and prayers of healing for such a long time!!!!! I feel SO happy! Joyful! I know that no matter what happens to me in my life, God is good, and He is up to my good whether I can see it at the time or not! I just feel like singing praises to Jesus all night and all day for all He has done!I can't stop smiling, because I am just so thankful that the Lord has healed me! And I know that there are going to be other trials in my life, but when they hit, I will remind myself that the Lord is up to something! The Lord CAN and WILL bring beauty from ashes!!! Sometimes you just have to give it time! Be patient when you don't understand! Be patient when it hurts!!!!! God is up to something MORE!!!!

Every fear that I had over the summer about the Fall was just a waste of time!!! I feared that I would have my feelings hurt all over again, but omg, that is so not the case! I am just happy! I feel absolutely NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL!!! :) And I just laugh, because I didn't know how I'd feel, and it's seriously NOTHING! My heart doesn't race...my feelings feel fine...I am just HAPPY! Happy about all my new friends!!! Happy about how far the Lord has taken me! Happy I'm not the girl I was! Happy that no one on this earth has control over my heart or feelings!!! Happy that the one who has control is the Lord!!! Happy about all the wisdom that the Lord allowed me to get this summer! In my devotional last night I read this verse that is SO true!!! "Wisdom lights up a person's face, softening it's hardness." -Ecclesiastes 8:1 I prayed for wisdom, and I really feel like the Lord has blessed me with some! This summer was such a growing time for me...and I feel like I have finally found a part of me that was lost a long time ago! I feel more myself than I have in three years!!!! I HAD to deal with myself and see myself for what I really was. I HAD to change...I had no other choice, because the love of the Lord engulfed my life in such a way that I wanted nothing more than to become a different person! Things that I thought I never could accomplish..I did! That and so much more!!!! The power of the Holy Spirit is so much powerful than I could of ever imagined!!!! I feel so impowered! So confident with the Lord by my side!!!!

It doesn't take a dating relationship to make life feel great! It takes giving the Lord every single thing in your life! It takes being able to NOT have someone! To be able to be completely alone and in the world, and still be okay! Dying to yourself, and going through some pain! Yes! I said it!!! I think to get to joy, you sometimes have to feel pain first! But, it makes the joy that much sweeter! I feel so much joy in my heart, I just want to dance all night long!!!! Though sorrows may last for a night...joy comes in the morning!!! And, baby! It's morning time!!!!!!!!!!!

*Back to School and Baby Tigers*

I haven't had the chance to blog since I've gotten here, because it has been the busiest/best few days ever! I absolutely LOVE the new freshman class!!!! I would suggest being a WOW leader to anyone, because it really is a blast. It's also a great way to be in a position to help people. This is such a big transition in their lives, and they need someone to kind of be there to help them in that. I remember how I felt when I moved to ATU three years ago! I cried the whole way there out of terror! haha! But I made it through! And oddly enough...I'm starting my second year at OBU tomorrow, which I wasn't expecting at that time. It's funny the turns that life can make. And this turn was incredible. I LOVE THIS SCHOOL!!! It makes me sad that I didn't just come here first, but I know that God can use good out of the ATU experience. Maybe I just don't see it yet. I definitely got a culture shock or two, and that was good for me, I guess. haha.

The speaker we had on Sunday for our worship service was AMAZING! He talked about how we need friends in our lives who will tell us when they see something in our lives that might turn into something bad. Kind of like a baby tiger that is SO cute, and say a person wants it as a pet. At first it seems adorable, and like a good idea. But over time that thing turns into a huge, flesh eating animal. It will grow up and eat you! It's basically talking about things that come before God. If you are dating someone and they are your world, it may be a baby tiger right now, but it will grow into a huge, flesh eating tiger in the future. He said other things as well, but that's the one that stuck out to me, because I've made that mistake before! I had a baby tiger that I thought would be okay to have, but it ate me in the end! But I am totally happy that the Lord allowed it to eat me!!! What mercy He had on me! He loved me enough to let my plans fail! What a WONDERFUL GOD!!!! I totally understood what he was talking about!!! God needs to come first! Like when he said "To follow me you must hate your brothers, and even your life". He didn't REALLY mean HATE them! He just meant love God above all else! And that is definitely my goal! And so far I am just all around happier since I have pursued that! God is SO good!!!!!

*Can't Sleep!*

I am the type of person that needs A LOT of sleep. I try to get around nine hours a night, and getting even more than that makes me a happy girl. If I get eight or less, I get nervous about the next day. I do not function well without a lot of sleep like many college students these days. And if I do happen to only get seven hours at night, I end up taking a three hour nap the next day. So, there's a little backdrop on my sleep life so you can understand how odd this night has been....

I was not tired at all last night, but finally forced myself to go to bed at 1am. Then when 4:30 am rolled around, I woke up screaming from a dream I was having. My sister came in to see what was wrong which scared me even more. My whole body was literally SHAKING! It took everything in me to calm myself down, and make my hands stop moving. I could hear my heartbeat inside of me. It was SO freaky! I didn't like it at all!!! I realized what time it was and got really nervous, because I'm supposed to go to a doctor's appointment at 9:30 am. I knew that there was no way I would get an adequate amount of sleep, so I tried so hard to fall asleep really fast. That's a little inside view of my thought life. Calculating the amount of sleep I am getting is a normal aspect of my night. No matter how hard I tried to fall asleep last night, I just couldn't! My mouth was really hurting me, and my jaw not working caused me some panic, especially when I had nothing but time to lay there and think about it. I seriously can't open it. It's not that the pain is too deep to open it, it just WILL NOT OPEN! I really hope the doctor can figure out what the deal is. I want to feel myself again! It makes me thankful for the times that I don't have any health problems. They are such a hassle.

The good news about this odd night is that I did have a GREAT time with the Lord around 5:30! I never thought that I could get spiritual insight at such an early hour, because I do not function before the sun. Never have, and I can't see myself doing it anytime soon. From about 4:30 to 5:30 I was just laying there trying to fall asleep, but all I really did was think. I was thinking so many thoughts and my brain was just going crazy. Then I started reading "Me, Myself, and Lies" and it is about our thought closet!!! God really spoke to me through that book, and I felt His prescence in such an amazing way! I am happy about that!!!!! Being dead tired all day is going to be worth it. Plus, I wasn't going to get to say good-bye to my brother, but now I can, because I am up as early as he is!

I'm moving back to school today.......AHH!!!!!! (That was a scream of excitment,nervousness, and just plain freaking out!!!!)

'Yours Alone' by Phil Whickham

Lord You are the anchor
Refuge in the storm
Your words are wisdom
Shining in the dark

I hear Your voice on the water
I feel Your touch in the wind
Your above and beneath me
Surround my heart again

And I know that You are good
God I know that all You do is good

So I put my life in Your hands
I’m Yours alone, I’m Yours alone
Surrender, Lord I raise my hands
To You alone, to You alone

Lord Your voice guides me
So Tell me what to do
Your heart it drives me
To follow after You

*SO EMBARRASING!!!!!*

Today I had one of the most embarrassing moments of my entire life. I have come to the conclusion that the feeling of embarrassment is my least favorite feeling of all. I would rather feel extremely sad, then have to go through that feeling ever again. It is a terrible, terrible experience!

So, my face is extremely large and puffy due to getting my wisdom teeth out, and that already makes it hard to go out in public. I can't smile or talk very well, and I look like a marsh mellow. But i needed to get some errands done for school, and one very important errand was to get my toes done. No sickness will keep my from getting my toes shiny and pink. That is something I just cannot think about missing!!!! So I ventured out into the public eye to get my pedicure, not knowing what horrors were headed my way. The pedicure was great as always, and it seemed like the afternoon was going to go pretty well. After the pedicure, we decided to stop at heavenly ham to get some food before my doctor's appointment. I am having a really hard time chewing, and it's embarrassing enough just trying to eat. So we sat down and ordered our food, and I tried as best I could to get food down my throat. Next thing I know, a cute guy about 25 or so comes and sits at the table beside us. These tables are SO close, so he could hear everything that we were saying. I was horrified, because we made eye contact, which meant he had seen my swollen face. I was having the worst time trying to eat in a dignified manner, when all the sudden my mom SCREAMS: "HEY! You got a boogie in your nose!!!" Let me first say, I did NOT have a booger in my nose! It was a piece of bread gone astray on my cheek! Which happens all the time since I can't feel my mouth at all! When my mom screamed that I had a booger in my nose the man turned away really quickly and turned red. He was totally embarrassed for me! It was the worst moment of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was MORTIFIED!!!!!! Mom then asked if I wanted to sit there for a minute and I was like "No! Give me the keys!!!" Mom had NO IDEA about the awkward moment, and she thought I should have been more thankful for her "boogie" comment. I mean...seriously, mom! really?!?!!?!?!?!?! I am having a hard time even writing about it, because that raw feeling of utter mortification is still fresh on my mind. I hope none of you ever have to experience such a traumatizing situation in your days on this earth.

*The Life!*

I have been bedridden for four days now, and it is not that bad at all! I actually would love to have one week out of every month where I can just sleep and watch movies with no obligations. This is the life!!! I am not the kind of person that has to be doing something all the time, and it takes a while for me to get sick of being alone. I would probably have cabin fever by now if I didn't have so many amazing friends and family members who have come to visit! Since my dentist is my uncle, I even got a special visit from him the day of! Gotta love those family connections!!! And I have a ton!

Because of the pain pills I can't really stay coherent that long, and I am feeling really happy! I'm like stuck in bed with a huge face and just really okay with it all. Nothing is bothering me! "Don't worry, be happy" is my motto this week, and it is wonderful, haha! BUT, I do want to be able to focus more so I can start reading "Me, Myself, and Lies". It's a book that Beth Moore is doing a bible study with for her blog! I can't wait to see what's inside! I love having a new book to read!!!! I forced myself to read last night from "Dear Jesus" because I haven't been getting bible time in considering my brain is incognito this week! The words were like moving and it took like five minutes to read one sentence! Then it didn't really register what it meant, so I gave up and turned on Golden Girls. I slept most of the day yesterday, so I woke up at like 2am last night and had nothing to do! Just watched Golden Girls and played with some of the stuff nana gave me! People were very good at picking out what presents to get me! I have used it all! My nana is so sweet! She knows I love presents, so she wrapped every little thing so I had a ton to open! Everyone has been so kind and thoughtful!!!!! I feel so loved!!!!! I think if I fell off the face of the earth a couple people would notice. lol. And it's nice to have times like these to remind me of that! I have such a strong and wonderful group of people backing me up no matter what! I am very blessed!!!!! :)

*MUCH BETTER!*

I feel a lot better now than I did when I wrote the post below! I went to the Chris Tomlin concert, and it was incredible!!! God really showed up there! I'm sure everybody was moved by the experience. It was more a time of worship, than an actual concert. It' always odd to see the person who sings the song, when I never saw him as looking that way. Chris is kind of like a short elf, but attractive none the less. I am glad that the concert made me feel a lot better, and I just wanted to state that so none of my 2 readers would be worried that I'm still upset. I am great again, haha! The cool has been found!

*Me-Not at my best!*

I am about to rant and rave, because I am always trying to have it together and today on the eve of my wisdom teeth removal, I am NOT okay!!!! And you know why?! Because bridesmaid dress shopping is horrible! THE WORST!!!!! Why do people make it out to be a fun event!? Someone else gets to pick out a dress that looks completely unflattering, while they look perfect in their well-fitted wedding dress! To make things more stressful they didn't have my size, so I just got measured and ordered some dress cold turkey! Whose to say it's even gonna look right?!?!?! AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so upset right now! I have lost my cool!!! It is so lost, I have no idea when I'll find it!!! It has gone and hidden in a cold, dark place where noone has ever gone before! I cried in the middle of David's Bridal for all to see. All those brides trying on their dresses with not a care in the world look over and see me red faced and heaving! Because not only did that not work out, but the OTHER bridesmaid dress I have for another wedding came in and looks SO BAD!!!!!! Dresses normally make me feel beautiful, but this makes me feel like a hobbit!!!!!!!! AK!!!!!! The fact that I have been worrying about getting my wisdom teeth out has not helped in any way! I have been cleaning and doing chores to get ready for school for three days, and I am just stressed!!! I feel like the more I do, the more there is to get done!!!! My room is SO messy, but I've been working on it all the time! HOW is that possible?!?!?!??! I have been working so hard at living a calm, cool, and collected life. But right now....I'm throwing that to the wayside!!!!!!!!!!! I am just going to lay here in my pajamas with a box fan blowing on me until I feel better. Then, like I always do, move on and start a new day with a smile on. Luckily, my new day is coming with happy pills thanks to the surgery.

I do have a Chris Tomlin concert to look forward to tonight! And (as you can see by the post) some praying to do. lol.

*Bittersweet*

I haven't blogged in some time, because I have been super busy with life. I have been going on trips and having things to do almost every single second. I welcome a time to just write down things that I have been thinking about lately. I have been shopping for school and gearing up for that new chapter in my life. I hope that my first senior year will be incredible. I say first, because there's going to be a second senior year as well, haha. If the first one doesn't work out, I'll have another go!

I am bittersweet about my return to school. On one hand I am super excited about the new year and possibilities. I want to get involved more than I did last year, and I already have a ton of friends that I'm ready to see more often. I have made new friends that I like, and I also miss my friends from last year and I am more than ready to see them! I am excited about the new freshman class, and want to make their transition to college as smooth as possible. My dorm is going to be amazing, and I just have a good feeling about this year.

On the other hand I am terrified. I am terrified about potential awkward moments, and of hurt that might creep up suddenly. I am terrified of the memories that come to mind when I go onto the campus. My heart broke numerous times, and the pain is hidden there. I don't want it to open back up. I am scared that I will end up in this ratrace in which I care more about what people are my friends and how many friends I have instead of focusing mainly on the Lord. I don't want to be in this frenzy to make myself feel like I am social enough. Someone told me I wasn't social enough, and from then on I've just been like crazed out trying to prove to myself that he was wrong. But it's getting so tiring, and I don't want to wear myself out. I don't want to have to try so hard to prove something anymore. I just need to trust God. He has always taken care of me and given me the friends I need at the right time. I'm scared. Scared silly. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want something bad to happen this year like it has happened every single year since I started college. I just want to stay in the warm/snuggly summer where everything seems right in the world. But...I can't. I can't run forever. The Lord will be with me through anything I may face, and I can breathe a sigh of relief when I think about that. Everything will be just fine.........