They say the emotions will hit you when you least expect it.
The crash of how did we get here already? The wave of gratefulness that he is mine. The unknown of what's next. The sadness. The happiness. The ache. The relief. The nudging inside that is constantly reminding me it's almost time. The feeling that I'm not ready to let him go but at the same time I am. It's so hard to explain.
My firstborn starts kindergarten this week and even writing that feels surreal. I've watched other parents before me go through this and it's always felt so far away but now it's my turn and I can hardly believe it. 1/3 of his childhood is over and I can barely wrap my mind around that. Parenthood goes by SO slow until you get to the easier part and then it speeds up. It's so fast you can barely hang on to the days and you wonder how life started being this way.
I haven't had the reality of this next phase of life hit me until this week because I've been so focused on the fun things we had going on this summer. For a few blissful, sunny months it felt like maybe it wasn't actually going to happen. It still felt really far off and I didn't let my mind go there because I wasn't ready. I'd been wondering when it would all finally hit me and it happened in a moment I least expected it...while folding a fresh pair of socks.
That day, I had just hung all of his new uniform shirts in a row and folded his shorts neatly underneath. Near those I placed a brand new pair of tennis shoes never worn just waiting to be dirty from a life well lived. Nothing hit me while I got any of this ready which truly surprised me. I felt absolutely NOTHING. Then it unexpectedly hit me all at once as I sat down on the floor and opened a new package of socks and started to fold them into balls. For some reason as the pile of those bright, white socks got bigger, so did my emotions. In that moment I knew, REALLY knew the time was coming and I just started crying. Crying so deeply over so many things.
It wasn't the first time and it won't be that last moment my emotions get so big in a mundane moment. This is motherhood, we feel deeper and on another level than we ever have before and I think every mom reading this will understand what I went through. I actually feel so grateful that I get this opportunity to cry because that means I've loved deeply and it's the sum of all the little moments that have turned into something bigger. I treasure it!
Despite all the emotions, the one that overpowers them all is thankfulness. I have so much peace that the school I'm sending Beau to is exactly where God wants us to be right now and I am completely resting in that. I am sad, but I'm also so excited! I'm excited for all he'll learn and that he's going to be pushed harder than my personality allows to push somebody. Life is not just a party and that's hard for me to grasp! I'm excited that he gets to stay because he's always begged to be at school longer than I'd let him. I'm excited for all the friendships he'll make and the ones he already has that will get deeper. I'm excited to watch him grow in ways we never imagined. I'm excited that the assessments will allow him to get any intervention and help he needs to succeed and be the best version of himself. Whatever success looks like for HIM, that's what this school will allow him. I'm excited for some much needed one on one time with Luke. I'm also really excited for us to miss each other again because too much togetherness does become a thing for us, haha!
All in all I'm so overwhelmingly grateful for that pile of socks that helped me let all the emotions out. I am a mother and that is a moment that all my love, hard work, and commitment to my child has given me. That moment is the sum of so many beautiful things. To all the moms sending their children off in some way this week and having these moments with me, I see you! We are in this together and you are doing a GREAT job.
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Tuesday, December 18, 2018
*My Miraculous Healing!!*
"Your faith should not be in the wisdom of men, but the power of God." 1 Corinthians 2:5
GOD HEALED ME. In a way that has left three doctors and one very intelligent surgeon dumbfounded.
When I was in high school and college I had three different surgeries for a cyst that left me with exposed bone, lots of pain, and unable to move much for three months. It sent my life into a tailspin every time and my C sections were literally a walk in the park compared to what I went through. So when I felt the cyst coming back for a fourth time over Thanksgiving, I began to go into a panic. Who is going to take care of my kids? Will they be okay? (My first thought now that I'm a mom, ha!) How are we going to do this? How can I go through the pain of the three month recovery again?! Unfortunately my LAST thought was to pray for God to heal me.
I'm pretty comfortable with praying big prayers for other people. I know the power of God and I've seen it work time and time again in MIGHTY ways. It's not as easy to pray for myself because I know myself and in my human nature I become upset if the answer is NO. There's a lot of health issues He's chosen not to heal for a good reason so I've just started to choose to be okay with not being healed. And in this world we WILL have trials. I know that being here in this fallen world just comes with pain sometimes. I also know that He tells us in the Bible to take heart because He has overcome the world. He has overcome death, pain, and suffering. He came as a baby to die on a cross and save us from it all. I TRUST Him, I do. How could I not?! I trust His answers with all my heart, but I just don't want to put myself out there and be disappointed because I know I shouldn't be but that's where my heart goes.
So after the cyst came back, I went a few painful weeks on antibiotics that were not working. I tried to get into a surgeon but they couldn't get me in for a two weeks so I lived my life in extreme pain. I could barely function, walk, or sit and I had fevers everyday that made taking care of my kids extremely difficult. I was seriously in a desperate state of panic and felt like I had so much ministry God wanted me to do but Satan just kept kicking my legs out from under me to do it. I'd been down this road, I knew what this meant, and all it would cost and keep me from. I wasn't ready for the pain and helplessness and more importantly, what about my boys?
I was going to doctors regularly so they could keep an eye on it because it can get really bad really quickly and had three doctors confirm that it WAS a cyst and it's a genetic kind that doesn't go away with antibiotics. So according to the wisdom of man I was not getting out of this without surgery, but God's power can override our human wisdom and that's what I was about to be reminded of.
One night when I was feeling pretty bad there was a Christmas party/prayer night with some of my longtime friends in OKC. (I'm so glad I can say by now that I have longtime friends here!) Well, I told them I wasn't feeling up to going but something in my spirit told me I needed to go. So just like in the bible when the people took their friend on the mat through the roof to Jesus, my friends picked me up with a pillow and drove me to put me in front of Jesus in prayer! haha, knowing us it's actually really funny but really true. I feel like I have many laughable spiritual moments with my friends (I'm looking at you Ally when we dabbled in that anointing oil together) but God shows up big time even through the giggles. It doesn't matter what it looks like, how we pray, if we are laughing, if our heart is in the right place, God shows UP.
The night of that party, one of my very best friends Courtney prayed over me that the cyst would just go away! My favorite part is that she said "Please take it away because you are legit, God." ha! That is the prayer that healed me and I'll never forget it!!! I woke up the next morning with INSTANT relief. I mean no fever, no trouble sitting or walking, NOTHING. I went to the doctor to be checked on that day and she said "Remind me where this is?" I couldn't believe it, she couldn't see anything!
So fast forward to a week later and I'm at the surgeon who tells me there is NO WAY there was a cyst there. "Those kinds of cysts don't go away without surgery" he said confused, "There's no way that's what you had." Three different doctors at three different places confirmed that it HAD been there. And believe me I'd had it before, I KNEW. There was no other way to explain it but a miracle.
God had chosen to say YES even though during the prayer I was thinking: "Yeah, not happening, pray I find the right surgeon." When I am faithless, He remains faithful. I had been putting my faith in human wisdom, but God was showing me that my faith should be in His power that is so much greater.
I'm so thankful that I have friends who get me a pillow and take me before the Cross and point me back to God when my faith is weak. That's the most incredible gift of friendship I could ever ask for and I really hope I can be that for my friends, too. I'm even more thankful that I know the most amazing God and that He shows up time and time again. It's not always the way I want it to be, but this time for His purpose He chose to blow anything I ever thought possible out of the water! And for that I am left awestruck and am reminded of how truly powerful our God is.
Praise His Holy Name!!! Yahweh, Elohim (Creator), Messiah, Redeemer, El Sali (God my strength),Deliverer, Living God, El Rachum (God of compassion) Lord of Lords, King of Glory, Prince of Peace, Lion of Judah, God Almighty, JESUS, Jehovah-Shammah (The Lord is there), Savior, Adonai (Master), El Roi (The God who sees me), Jehovah-Rophe(The Lord who heals)YOU have healed me!!!!!
GOD HEALED ME. In a way that has left three doctors and one very intelligent surgeon dumbfounded.
When I was in high school and college I had three different surgeries for a cyst that left me with exposed bone, lots of pain, and unable to move much for three months. It sent my life into a tailspin every time and my C sections were literally a walk in the park compared to what I went through. So when I felt the cyst coming back for a fourth time over Thanksgiving, I began to go into a panic. Who is going to take care of my kids? Will they be okay? (My first thought now that I'm a mom, ha!) How are we going to do this? How can I go through the pain of the three month recovery again?! Unfortunately my LAST thought was to pray for God to heal me.
I'm pretty comfortable with praying big prayers for other people. I know the power of God and I've seen it work time and time again in MIGHTY ways. It's not as easy to pray for myself because I know myself and in my human nature I become upset if the answer is NO. There's a lot of health issues He's chosen not to heal for a good reason so I've just started to choose to be okay with not being healed. And in this world we WILL have trials. I know that being here in this fallen world just comes with pain sometimes. I also know that He tells us in the Bible to take heart because He has overcome the world. He has overcome death, pain, and suffering. He came as a baby to die on a cross and save us from it all. I TRUST Him, I do. How could I not?! I trust His answers with all my heart, but I just don't want to put myself out there and be disappointed because I know I shouldn't be but that's where my heart goes.
So after the cyst came back, I went a few painful weeks on antibiotics that were not working. I tried to get into a surgeon but they couldn't get me in for a two weeks so I lived my life in extreme pain. I could barely function, walk, or sit and I had fevers everyday that made taking care of my kids extremely difficult. I was seriously in a desperate state of panic and felt like I had so much ministry God wanted me to do but Satan just kept kicking my legs out from under me to do it. I'd been down this road, I knew what this meant, and all it would cost and keep me from. I wasn't ready for the pain and helplessness and more importantly, what about my boys?
I was going to doctors regularly so they could keep an eye on it because it can get really bad really quickly and had three doctors confirm that it WAS a cyst and it's a genetic kind that doesn't go away with antibiotics. So according to the wisdom of man I was not getting out of this without surgery, but God's power can override our human wisdom and that's what I was about to be reminded of.
One night when I was feeling pretty bad there was a Christmas party/prayer night with some of my longtime friends in OKC. (I'm so glad I can say by now that I have longtime friends here!) Well, I told them I wasn't feeling up to going but something in my spirit told me I needed to go. So just like in the bible when the people took their friend on the mat through the roof to Jesus, my friends picked me up with a pillow and drove me to put me in front of Jesus in prayer! haha, knowing us it's actually really funny but really true. I feel like I have many laughable spiritual moments with my friends (I'm looking at you Ally when we dabbled in that anointing oil together) but God shows up big time even through the giggles. It doesn't matter what it looks like, how we pray, if we are laughing, if our heart is in the right place, God shows UP.
The night of that party, one of my very best friends Courtney prayed over me that the cyst would just go away! My favorite part is that she said "Please take it away because you are legit, God." ha! That is the prayer that healed me and I'll never forget it!!! I woke up the next morning with INSTANT relief. I mean no fever, no trouble sitting or walking, NOTHING. I went to the doctor to be checked on that day and she said "Remind me where this is?" I couldn't believe it, she couldn't see anything!
So fast forward to a week later and I'm at the surgeon who tells me there is NO WAY there was a cyst there. "Those kinds of cysts don't go away without surgery" he said confused, "There's no way that's what you had." Three different doctors at three different places confirmed that it HAD been there. And believe me I'd had it before, I KNEW. There was no other way to explain it but a miracle.
God had chosen to say YES even though during the prayer I was thinking: "Yeah, not happening, pray I find the right surgeon." When I am faithless, He remains faithful. I had been putting my faith in human wisdom, but God was showing me that my faith should be in His power that is so much greater.
I'm so thankful that I have friends who get me a pillow and take me before the Cross and point me back to God when my faith is weak. That's the most incredible gift of friendship I could ever ask for and I really hope I can be that for my friends, too. I'm even more thankful that I know the most amazing God and that He shows up time and time again. It's not always the way I want it to be, but this time for His purpose He chose to blow anything I ever thought possible out of the water! And for that I am left awestruck and am reminded of how truly powerful our God is.
Praise His Holy Name!!! Yahweh, Elohim (Creator), Messiah, Redeemer, El Sali (God my strength),Deliverer, Living God, El Rachum (God of compassion) Lord of Lords, King of Glory, Prince of Peace, Lion of Judah, God Almighty, JESUS, Jehovah-Shammah (The Lord is there), Savior, Adonai (Master), El Roi (The God who sees me), Jehovah-Rophe(The Lord who heals)YOU have healed me!!!!!
Saturday, December 23, 2017
*My Journey to Joy*
I was never one to do New Years resolutions because I always felt like I was setting myself up for failure. The last thing I needed was one more thing to be discouraged about so I usually just let it go. Last year a pastor at our church named Terry Feix gave a New Years sermon that has stuck with me since and has given me a new perspective. It wasn't about resolutions but it was about making a plan for some heart change. I wish I could remember exactly what he said but I can't, I do remember how it made me feel, though. It made me feel like I could make changes without feeling guilt or stress or striving too hard. He made me realize that it's okay if I don't always get it right every single day and that it's not about being perfect. I felt free and like I could actually change, or rather...I could allow God to change ME without letting the feeling of discouragement set me back.
The verse in the sermon was "Lead a life worthy of the calling you received."- Ephesians 4:1. He told us to write out the verse as well as a few things we were going to work on and put it out as a reminder to us and those around us. On my piece of paper I wrote down I wanted to work on encouragement to others, kindness, forgiveness, focus, and not losing hope. I also prayed for a word for 2017 and God very clearly told me JOY.
The verse that immediately stood out to me about joy was Nehemiah 8:10 -"Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
Many of y'all know the year before with my tough pregnancy and post partum depression was definitely marked with dejection and sadness. It was wave after wave of life hitting hard and I let it knock me down. One person came up to me one day and told me that it looked like my light had gone out and that she prayed it would come back because it was a light that was needed. A light gone out is not something that brings others to Christ and that really got me praying for a change.
We always talk about this particular verse in Nehemiah but I thought it was interesting what it says a few verses later: "So the people went away to eat at a festive meal, to share gifts of food, and to celebrate with great joy because they had heard God's words and understood them." Nehemiah 8:12
THEY HAD HEARD GOD'S WORD AND UNDERSTOOD THEM. That's what gave them great joy. I can tell you that one of the main reasons that I let life get me down and I lost my joy is I started listening to my problems and my pain much more than I was listening to God. This time last year I was not joy filled, I was just moving through the motions, and I wasn't doing much other than surviving. Granted, for me being a new mom is no joke and I'm pretty sure I'd be a train wreck if I did it again, too. (Which I will not!! Two and through, people!) I truly felt God's grace in that, though. He really gave me more grace than I could possibly deserve. God is proud of us new mamas and the bible says he gently leads those who have young and that's what He did for me. I'm here for any of you mamas that ride the struggle bus that first year of having a child, ha! And so is God. I wasn't ready to hear some big spiritual truth in those months of a colicky baby and post partum depression that's for sure. But He sustained me and loved me through it all. And He used everything for my good just like He promised and looking back I wouldn't change a thing because He's used it in some of the biggest plans for my life.
I think that's where my joy is coming from. Truly trusting God for maybe the first time in my whole life. I always thought that I trusted God but I don't think I really did. I feel this sense of knowing for certain that He does work everything together for my good and that even if I don't feel Him working, time always proves to me that He is and always has been.
I feel like I have changed so much for the better and it's because I've experienced God in a whole new way and started learning and understanding more truth about who He really is. In this fallen world where we deserve nothing but troubles, He has created so much GOOD. So much beauty and love and things to experience that point us to Him and give us the tiniest glimpse of what our forever home in Heaven will look like. And He will never leave us or make us go through anything alone. All of that just overwhelms me. His care for the details of my life just overwhelms me.
Another way I've found joy is I joined a ministry and that has given me an unexplainable peace I can't even begin to try to put in words. I had NO IDEA that something like MOMS. would literally fall into my lap just a few months into 2017.
I've found joy in prayer. Really taking time to pray and really trusting God whatever His answer. I have prayed more this year than I ever have and it gives me this joy deep down and releases so much stress. I've realized more than ever that I'm not in control of much at all, but God is and He's out for my good and on my side. If there's one thing I can say, PRAYING is what has changed me the most. Our church even has a prayer room at the main campus upstairs and I've frequented it a few times this year. It's so peaceful and there's something about the big religious looking bible that just helps me get in the zone, haha. Seriously, it does...but I am laughing as I type that.
God gave me a friend this year who makes me laugh and brings out the loudest and most ridiculous side of me that has helped me show joy in an easy way. She taps into my funny side, my dancing in public side, my never caring what anyone thinks side. It's like a button is pushed when she walks in the room and I'm the happiest version of myself. And she just so happens to be the President of MOMS. my ministry so we are in this for the long haul and I'm so grateful for that. God also brought me a new friend who pushes me to be a better me and gets me to open up like nobody else. She has caused me to make some changes in myself that have been crucial to my life and what I can do for God. She happens to be the Vice President of the ministry so we were definitely not put together by mistake. We are in this life together for the long haul. I know God smiled when we all met, maybe there was even a chorus in Heaven?! I'd like to think that.
I've realized what they mean by joy not being the same as happiness. It's really the unwavering faith in the goodness of God and the promise He has for us that will not let us down. It's the solid belief that even if everything around us is going wrong, God still is out for our good. But it also can feel a lot like happy, too. I read the other day that we shouldn't let the well of smiling and laughter run dry and I couldn't agree more. And the best reason to smile and laugh is hearing God's word and truly understanding it because if we really understand it, then our hope and joy can't help but overflow.
The verse in the sermon was "Lead a life worthy of the calling you received."- Ephesians 4:1. He told us to write out the verse as well as a few things we were going to work on and put it out as a reminder to us and those around us. On my piece of paper I wrote down I wanted to work on encouragement to others, kindness, forgiveness, focus, and not losing hope. I also prayed for a word for 2017 and God very clearly told me JOY.
The verse that immediately stood out to me about joy was Nehemiah 8:10 -"Don't be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
Many of y'all know the year before with my tough pregnancy and post partum depression was definitely marked with dejection and sadness. It was wave after wave of life hitting hard and I let it knock me down. One person came up to me one day and told me that it looked like my light had gone out and that she prayed it would come back because it was a light that was needed. A light gone out is not something that brings others to Christ and that really got me praying for a change.
We always talk about this particular verse in Nehemiah but I thought it was interesting what it says a few verses later: "So the people went away to eat at a festive meal, to share gifts of food, and to celebrate with great joy because they had heard God's words and understood them." Nehemiah 8:12
THEY HAD HEARD GOD'S WORD AND UNDERSTOOD THEM. That's what gave them great joy. I can tell you that one of the main reasons that I let life get me down and I lost my joy is I started listening to my problems and my pain much more than I was listening to God. This time last year I was not joy filled, I was just moving through the motions, and I wasn't doing much other than surviving. Granted, for me being a new mom is no joke and I'm pretty sure I'd be a train wreck if I did it again, too. (Which I will not!! Two and through, people!) I truly felt God's grace in that, though. He really gave me more grace than I could possibly deserve. God is proud of us new mamas and the bible says he gently leads those who have young and that's what He did for me. I'm here for any of you mamas that ride the struggle bus that first year of having a child, ha! And so is God. I wasn't ready to hear some big spiritual truth in those months of a colicky baby and post partum depression that's for sure. But He sustained me and loved me through it all. And He used everything for my good just like He promised and looking back I wouldn't change a thing because He's used it in some of the biggest plans for my life.
I think that's where my joy is coming from. Truly trusting God for maybe the first time in my whole life. I always thought that I trusted God but I don't think I really did. I feel this sense of knowing for certain that He does work everything together for my good and that even if I don't feel Him working, time always proves to me that He is and always has been.
I feel like I have changed so much for the better and it's because I've experienced God in a whole new way and started learning and understanding more truth about who He really is. In this fallen world where we deserve nothing but troubles, He has created so much GOOD. So much beauty and love and things to experience that point us to Him and give us the tiniest glimpse of what our forever home in Heaven will look like. And He will never leave us or make us go through anything alone. All of that just overwhelms me. His care for the details of my life just overwhelms me.
Another way I've found joy is I joined a ministry and that has given me an unexplainable peace I can't even begin to try to put in words. I had NO IDEA that something like MOMS. would literally fall into my lap just a few months into 2017.
I've found joy in prayer. Really taking time to pray and really trusting God whatever His answer. I have prayed more this year than I ever have and it gives me this joy deep down and releases so much stress. I've realized more than ever that I'm not in control of much at all, but God is and He's out for my good and on my side. If there's one thing I can say, PRAYING is what has changed me the most. Our church even has a prayer room at the main campus upstairs and I've frequented it a few times this year. It's so peaceful and there's something about the big religious looking bible that just helps me get in the zone, haha. Seriously, it does...but I am laughing as I type that.
God gave me a friend this year who makes me laugh and brings out the loudest and most ridiculous side of me that has helped me show joy in an easy way. She taps into my funny side, my dancing in public side, my never caring what anyone thinks side. It's like a button is pushed when she walks in the room and I'm the happiest version of myself. And she just so happens to be the President of MOMS. my ministry so we are in this for the long haul and I'm so grateful for that. God also brought me a new friend who pushes me to be a better me and gets me to open up like nobody else. She has caused me to make some changes in myself that have been crucial to my life and what I can do for God. She happens to be the Vice President of the ministry so we were definitely not put together by mistake. We are in this life together for the long haul. I know God smiled when we all met, maybe there was even a chorus in Heaven?! I'd like to think that.
I've realized what they mean by joy not being the same as happiness. It's really the unwavering faith in the goodness of God and the promise He has for us that will not let us down. It's the solid belief that even if everything around us is going wrong, God still is out for our good. But it also can feel a lot like happy, too. I read the other day that we shouldn't let the well of smiling and laughter run dry and I couldn't agree more. And the best reason to smile and laugh is hearing God's word and truly understanding it because if we really understand it, then our hope and joy can't help but overflow.
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
*Beginning Again*
Five years ago I found myself writing about the big changes in my life as I left the classroom as a first grade teacher and looked towards a new future with Brian in a new city. I was really sad to say goodbye to so many places and people I loved but I told myself that I needed to let some things go to make way for the new things that were supposed to happen to my life. I had no idea then, but the future would be more than I could ever of imagined and I have fallen in love with new people and new places and have built a life I wouldn't be able to have if I wasn't able to close one chapter and begin the next. Knowing the possibilities of new beginnings, I feel more excited about them than anything.
Social Media is full of those adorable first day of school pictures and the feeling of newness is everywhere. For my sister, she is sending her son off to kindergarten for the first time which has proved to be a really big step and an emotional time. We facetimed this morning and she noted that I am living her life five years ago, with a little baby just learning to walk in the background. She's moving onto the "school" phase of life and I'm still very much in the little stage. It's crazy to think she's moving onto the next step in parenting that I'll be in sooner than I realize.
We are starting a beginning of our own in our house this year, too. Beau is only going to school twice a week but we are starting our new life as a part of a school community. I don't know if it's just because I was a teacher or that my high school was a second home, but I really don't take it lightly. Being a part of the COMMUNITY of a school is what's always been super important to me. I grew up in schools that treated us all like family and the friends and teachers I had there are still a big part of my life to this day. My sister is sending both of her kids to our former school as third generation students which is very special. My parents met in high school there, all of us followed, and now the grandkids are going. That is LEGACY right there. Even though I'm not able to do the same, God has us exactly where we are supposed to be and I'm excited for what the future holds for us and I couldn't be more happy with the school we've chosen for Beau.
If there's anything I've learned it's that each phase has it's pros and cons and the realization that these kids are not always going to be little is both freeing and devastating all at once. It makes me want to focus on all the good that this phase offers and also give myself grace when it's hard because all phases have hardships. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be "ENJOYING EVERY SECOND" of really anything because we are living LIFE..REAL LIFE. No phase of life can we ever be enjoying every second because we will always have trials no matter where we are. But we'll also have so much GOOD, too. In every phase there is so much to cherish and we do need to be reminded to soak it up when it's the right time. Luke spreading poop and ketchup all over my kitchen was not that time, but both boys cuddling with me definitely was. We do need to really cherish the sweet moments that we have because they are fleeting and so special. I won't always have two little boys fighting over my lap and so today I will bask in the fact that my lap is still big enough to (SORT OF) hold them both. Today more than ever I'll appreciate my babies and the time I still have with them to myself. :)
Social Media is full of those adorable first day of school pictures and the feeling of newness is everywhere. For my sister, she is sending her son off to kindergarten for the first time which has proved to be a really big step and an emotional time. We facetimed this morning and she noted that I am living her life five years ago, with a little baby just learning to walk in the background. She's moving onto the "school" phase of life and I'm still very much in the little stage. It's crazy to think she's moving onto the next step in parenting that I'll be in sooner than I realize.
We are starting a beginning of our own in our house this year, too. Beau is only going to school twice a week but we are starting our new life as a part of a school community. I don't know if it's just because I was a teacher or that my high school was a second home, but I really don't take it lightly. Being a part of the COMMUNITY of a school is what's always been super important to me. I grew up in schools that treated us all like family and the friends and teachers I had there are still a big part of my life to this day. My sister is sending both of her kids to our former school as third generation students which is very special. My parents met in high school there, all of us followed, and now the grandkids are going. That is LEGACY right there. Even though I'm not able to do the same, God has us exactly where we are supposed to be and I'm excited for what the future holds for us and I couldn't be more happy with the school we've chosen for Beau.
If there's anything I've learned it's that each phase has it's pros and cons and the realization that these kids are not always going to be little is both freeing and devastating all at once. It makes me want to focus on all the good that this phase offers and also give myself grace when it's hard because all phases have hardships. Don't let anyone tell you that you should be "ENJOYING EVERY SECOND" of really anything because we are living LIFE..REAL LIFE. No phase of life can we ever be enjoying every second because we will always have trials no matter where we are. But we'll also have so much GOOD, too. In every phase there is so much to cherish and we do need to be reminded to soak it up when it's the right time. Luke spreading poop and ketchup all over my kitchen was not that time, but both boys cuddling with me definitely was. We do need to really cherish the sweet moments that we have because they are fleeting and so special. I won't always have two little boys fighting over my lap and so today I will bask in the fact that my lap is still big enough to (SORT OF) hold them both. Today more than ever I'll appreciate my babies and the time I still have with them to myself. :)
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
"Worth It"
I'm having one of those motherhood moments where the emotions just hit out of nowhere like a ton of bricks. I never know when moments like that will happen because they never do when they should, and it hits me in the most unexpected moments.
Like tonight. Brian took Beau to a splashpad after work so I was with Luke alone who was crawling in my lap, touching my face, and giggling with his now 6 teeth showing. I couldn't help but think and be overwhelmed at how much this past hard year has been WORTH IT. He's my absolute joy and his name means "light giving" which is exactly what he is. He's brought light to me in more ways than one. The obvious being joy and smiles and a happiness inside of him that feels like a ray of light in such a fallen world. He has also been the source of bringing me light spiritually and teaching me more about God than maybe I've ever learned in my whole life put together. Because of him, I've also felt like there's a light inside of me that has been lit for other moms who are struggling in whatever circumstances and for that reason I'll never be the same. He's been so good for me.
As a lot of you know, I suffered from major sickness in pregnancy and post partum depression afterwards topped with an extremely colicky baby which was one of the toughest things I had to face in my life. It turns out that I have an autoimmune condition called hashimotos thyroidtitus that caused the pregnancy sickness AND post partum depression which is why all of that hit me so hard. I'm so happy to say that after I got a diagnoses, I've been able to FINALLY recover and get on with my life. Not only get on with my life, but live an even fuller and better one with Christ because of all that I went through. On this side of things, it all makes a lot more sense. I know that God had His reasons for allowing all of that and I can see it now and really want to use it for His Glory.
At the beginning of the each year I pray for a word to focus on and 2016 was "Sacrifice". That for sure would be the title of that year for me and I learned so much about giving of myself and truly sacrificing. 2017 is now "Joy" and so far it has been such a healing year and one that has turned from such hardship into one of the best most joy filled years of my life. It has all been so worth it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat to have Luke be mine. I think that God has a major plan for Luke because satan sure did make such a fuss in my life when he was born. I pray over my boys and get chills thinking of God's plan for them.
I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of Brian. Brian is my perfect other half and I owe so much to him. He never complained once about helping and he never made me feel bad when I was struggling and felt like I couldn't handle things. He always brought the right take out home and would go to Walmart almost everyday. He was always my rock that was everything I needed at the right times. Brian is definitely the definition of the hands and feet of Jesus. My mom said after I met him: "Don't you feel so loved by God that He would send someone like Brian for you?" The answer to that is YES. Very much so! He is my gift that keeps on giving!!
I'm also proud of Beau and what a great brother he is and how he never even noticed when things got hard. He has loved on Luke from the moment he got home from the hospital and thought this getting a new baby thing was one big party. He is three years old yet so tender and loving and the only thing I have to stop him from is hugging Luke too much when he just wants to crawl. I'm proud of Luke for how well adjusted and happy he is despite having colic and stressed parents for the first half year of his life. You would never even know it now!! He's so happy and easy and such a gift to our family in every way. Words can't even describe the love I have for him, I couldn't even begin.
Although this year didn't look exactly how I planned, God truly does work everything together for the good of those who love Him. God's promises prove true over and over again in my life and I couldn't be more thankful.
Like tonight. Brian took Beau to a splashpad after work so I was with Luke alone who was crawling in my lap, touching my face, and giggling with his now 6 teeth showing. I couldn't help but think and be overwhelmed at how much this past hard year has been WORTH IT. He's my absolute joy and his name means "light giving" which is exactly what he is. He's brought light to me in more ways than one. The obvious being joy and smiles and a happiness inside of him that feels like a ray of light in such a fallen world. He has also been the source of bringing me light spiritually and teaching me more about God than maybe I've ever learned in my whole life put together. Because of him, I've also felt like there's a light inside of me that has been lit for other moms who are struggling in whatever circumstances and for that reason I'll never be the same. He's been so good for me.
As a lot of you know, I suffered from major sickness in pregnancy and post partum depression afterwards topped with an extremely colicky baby which was one of the toughest things I had to face in my life. It turns out that I have an autoimmune condition called hashimotos thyroidtitus that caused the pregnancy sickness AND post partum depression which is why all of that hit me so hard. I'm so happy to say that after I got a diagnoses, I've been able to FINALLY recover and get on with my life. Not only get on with my life, but live an even fuller and better one with Christ because of all that I went through. On this side of things, it all makes a lot more sense. I know that God had His reasons for allowing all of that and I can see it now and really want to use it for His Glory.
At the beginning of the each year I pray for a word to focus on and 2016 was "Sacrifice". That for sure would be the title of that year for me and I learned so much about giving of myself and truly sacrificing. 2017 is now "Joy" and so far it has been such a healing year and one that has turned from such hardship into one of the best most joy filled years of my life. It has all been so worth it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat to have Luke be mine. I think that God has a major plan for Luke because satan sure did make such a fuss in my life when he was born. I pray over my boys and get chills thinking of God's plan for them.
I'm proud of myself and I'm proud of Brian. Brian is my perfect other half and I owe so much to him. He never complained once about helping and he never made me feel bad when I was struggling and felt like I couldn't handle things. He always brought the right take out home and would go to Walmart almost everyday. He was always my rock that was everything I needed at the right times. Brian is definitely the definition of the hands and feet of Jesus. My mom said after I met him: "Don't you feel so loved by God that He would send someone like Brian for you?" The answer to that is YES. Very much so! He is my gift that keeps on giving!!
I'm also proud of Beau and what a great brother he is and how he never even noticed when things got hard. He has loved on Luke from the moment he got home from the hospital and thought this getting a new baby thing was one big party. He is three years old yet so tender and loving and the only thing I have to stop him from is hugging Luke too much when he just wants to crawl. I'm proud of Luke for how well adjusted and happy he is despite having colic and stressed parents for the first half year of his life. You would never even know it now!! He's so happy and easy and such a gift to our family in every way. Words can't even describe the love I have for him, I couldn't even begin.
Although this year didn't look exactly how I planned, God truly does work everything together for the good of those who love Him. God's promises prove true over and over again in my life and I couldn't be more thankful.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
*Unexpected Moments*
Most of my favorite memories that I play back throughout my life come at the most unexpected moments on what seems to be a mundane day.
I was driving around with the boys today in my new to me mini van that has changed my life. That's a whole different story, but seriously...mini vans are the third parent that thinks things through for us so we don't have to. I noticed the gas light came on so I turned into the nearest On Cue which is also life changing. A drive through pick up window for all your coffee and junk food needs as well as a gallon of milk if you happen to need one.
When I got out to pump the gas, I looked inside the car window and there staring and smiling at me were the two cutest boys I've ever laid eyes on. This is not unusual because they seem to always have their attention on me, but in that moment it washed over me what a blessing it is to be a mom. And I just felt this warm feeling of thankfulness that these boys are mine. And that looking at me makes them light up like that.
Those happy faces are my hard earned reward and I couldn't help but feel proud as I looked at the four eyes that are constantly on me. Smiling little faces that make me feel like I'm doing a good job. We need to pat ourselves on the back more. We as new moms need to encourage ourselves and realize that we are making a difference and we are not failing.
It doesn't matter if at the end of the day you feel like you might lose it because you've given everything you possibly have and are asked to give more. That is true, sacrificial love. It doesn't matter if you are in a good, easy phase where enjoying your kids is easy. That fun love is one of the biggest blessings we receive in this life. In both times we are ALL doing a great job. Whether we are holding a screaming colicky newborn all day or playing with a joyful toddler who makes it easy to see things are going well, we are doing a GREAT job. And both sacrificial love and fun love are equally important. I've come to realize that together they make something really beautiful.
I was driving around with the boys today in my new to me mini van that has changed my life. That's a whole different story, but seriously...mini vans are the third parent that thinks things through for us so we don't have to. I noticed the gas light came on so I turned into the nearest On Cue which is also life changing. A drive through pick up window for all your coffee and junk food needs as well as a gallon of milk if you happen to need one.
When I got out to pump the gas, I looked inside the car window and there staring and smiling at me were the two cutest boys I've ever laid eyes on. This is not unusual because they seem to always have their attention on me, but in that moment it washed over me what a blessing it is to be a mom. And I just felt this warm feeling of thankfulness that these boys are mine. And that looking at me makes them light up like that.
Those happy faces are my hard earned reward and I couldn't help but feel proud as I looked at the four eyes that are constantly on me. Smiling little faces that make me feel like I'm doing a good job. We need to pat ourselves on the back more. We as new moms need to encourage ourselves and realize that we are making a difference and we are not failing.
It doesn't matter if at the end of the day you feel like you might lose it because you've given everything you possibly have and are asked to give more. That is true, sacrificial love. It doesn't matter if you are in a good, easy phase where enjoying your kids is easy. That fun love is one of the biggest blessings we receive in this life. In both times we are ALL doing a great job. Whether we are holding a screaming colicky newborn all day or playing with a joyful toddler who makes it easy to see things are going well, we are doing a GREAT job. And both sacrificial love and fun love are equally important. I've come to realize that together they make something really beautiful.
Friday, December 2, 2016
*He Came Near*
There was a moment hours into watching my son suffer and fight for his life that I knew I would have to stay with him alone. I was told parents only and possibly only one in the room. Not that it mattered, Brian was hours away trying to get to us. Shaken up and changed forever, I looked at my sister in law kelsey and said "This is a time you're glad when Jesus goes with you."
We spent hours in the ER after a fast paced "code red" situation. I knew it was whatever code red means because a nurse said it on the intercom after taking Beau's vitals and it seemed to be the loudest sound I'd ever heard in my life. 14 people surrounding my son as I was by his head rubbing him and holding his hand. "You're doing great, try not to hold his has SO tight" a really sweet nurse told me with a comforting voice. I WAS holding on so tight. One of my two greatest treasures was in front of me fighting for his life.
A little candy bar he got into without anyone seeing. A little candy bar is all it could take. I didn't know how serious it could get, I really didn't know.
We arrived at the ER around 7 and I'll never forget the security guard looking at him and saying urgently "Don't wait in line! Go!!" I've never realized how lucky I was to have to wait forever on the stomach bug infested chairs in an ER before. If you have to wait that's good news. We didn't have to wait...
Four and 1/2 traumatizing hours later my baby boy was finally asleep and I could breathe again. We were moved to the hospital and not long after I was alone with Beau in a hospital room. He looked so small in the bed. Sitting by a familiar computer screen lighting and steady beeps in the background, I finally let myself breakdown. I just cried and cried expecting to feel so alone but I didn't.
Chills hit me hard when I could feel God with me so near in that moment. He was there as He always is, but in a closer more obvious way. Comforting me. Holding us. Beau was finally comforted and so was I. God was THERE.
I believe in God because I know Him and I feel Him. I believe in God because He's not just something I read or hear about. He's the most important part of me.
Until the story ends and God can wipe away our tears forever, He's there with us in them. I know He hurts for us, too. I know seeing us suffer is so hard for Him. But He's there through the hardest moments of our lives feeling it with us, too. He's emotional. Sitting by us suffering is as hard for Him as it is for me to sit by my son and hold his hand while he was in agony and fear. God was human, He understands our pain. And more than that He loves us like His own children. His life was filled with more pain than I could ever imagine. He knows suffering and He's there with us through it.
Today Beau came up to me and said: "You didn't leave me, mama. Honey didn't leave me, mama." He was obviously talking about the actual ER because we both were there the entire time until he fell asleep. Even a three year old is impacted by knowing he won't be left in the hardest times. We won't be left in our hardest times, either. He is there. And He is GOOD.
We spent hours in the ER after a fast paced "code red" situation. I knew it was whatever code red means because a nurse said it on the intercom after taking Beau's vitals and it seemed to be the loudest sound I'd ever heard in my life. 14 people surrounding my son as I was by his head rubbing him and holding his hand. "You're doing great, try not to hold his has SO tight" a really sweet nurse told me with a comforting voice. I WAS holding on so tight. One of my two greatest treasures was in front of me fighting for his life.
A little candy bar he got into without anyone seeing. A little candy bar is all it could take. I didn't know how serious it could get, I really didn't know.
We arrived at the ER around 7 and I'll never forget the security guard looking at him and saying urgently "Don't wait in line! Go!!" I've never realized how lucky I was to have to wait forever on the stomach bug infested chairs in an ER before. If you have to wait that's good news. We didn't have to wait...
Four and 1/2 traumatizing hours later my baby boy was finally asleep and I could breathe again. We were moved to the hospital and not long after I was alone with Beau in a hospital room. He looked so small in the bed. Sitting by a familiar computer screen lighting and steady beeps in the background, I finally let myself breakdown. I just cried and cried expecting to feel so alone but I didn't.
Chills hit me hard when I could feel God with me so near in that moment. He was there as He always is, but in a closer more obvious way. Comforting me. Holding us. Beau was finally comforted and so was I. God was THERE.
I believe in God because I know Him and I feel Him. I believe in God because He's not just something I read or hear about. He's the most important part of me.
Until the story ends and God can wipe away our tears forever, He's there with us in them. I know He hurts for us, too. I know seeing us suffer is so hard for Him. But He's there through the hardest moments of our lives feeling it with us, too. He's emotional. Sitting by us suffering is as hard for Him as it is for me to sit by my son and hold his hand while he was in agony and fear. God was human, He understands our pain. And more than that He loves us like His own children. His life was filled with more pain than I could ever imagine. He knows suffering and He's there with us through it.
Today Beau came up to me and said: "You didn't leave me, mama. Honey didn't leave me, mama." He was obviously talking about the actual ER because we both were there the entire time until he fell asleep. Even a three year old is impacted by knowing he won't be left in the hardest times. We won't be left in our hardest times, either. He is there. And He is GOOD.
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